Regressing

[reddragon588]

It's been almost 3 1/2 months post-break up for me (wow it does not seem that long). For all intents and purposes, I'm doing great. I've worked hard enough to earn a raise at work, I've lost 15 pounds through a changed diet/exercise routine (and I didn't really have that much extra weight to begin with), I've become much more proactive about the daily chores/errands and not procrastinating on them anymore, I've begun to apply for graduate school, I've met a some new friends using Meetup.com, I've gone on a few dates and even had a few hookups, I've been seeing a therapist, I've gotten to a place where I'm no longer binge drinking and controlling my drinking and sometimes even going out sober, I have gone on several vacations and minications, and I've had a lot of people tell me I've been more open about sharing my thoughts and feelings.

 

But on the inside, I still feel like I'm dying a little bit every day. My emotions are still torn. I'm past the point of pain, but I'm still lonely, I still miss her and I still love her. I've been obsessing over her lately, and it feels like I've started to regress the last few days, and hard. I deleted her on all social media, but I still find myself going to her profiles, even though I can't see anything since I deleted her. I have come so close to breaking NC the past few days. I really want to reach out to her and say- I still love you, I can't get you out of my mind- can't we make it work? Luckily, my workout just now tempered that desire a bit, but I was very, very close to doing it before. I still can't get her out of my thoughts- she is on my mind all day.

 

I don't get it. Why am I still so emotionally torn when everything in my life is going so well? Really, if you look at what I've accomplished in the last 3 1/2 months compared to the 6 months of 2013 prior to it- I've probably accomplished more and had more wins in my personal and professional life. What's going on with me here? Why am I suddenly regressing emotionally? What can I do to move past this?

[barky2]

What can do you?

 

Simple.

 

She will not respond the way you want.

 

She will be cold and distant.

 

THATS even if she does reply.

 

How would you feel if she blatantly ignored you?

 

When thoughts became to much for me, and all I wanted to do was reach out like I always did, I took my rottweiler for a walk.

 

Then came home and took a shower.

 

Had a protein shake, did some pushups...tired myself out and went to bed.

 

You can only think of her when your mind is not consumed.

 

You, yourself have to find ways.

 

Your doing great man, just let these emotions come and go.

 

I used to yell in the mirror " LETS GO!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!"

 

As corny as it sounds, it pumped me up enough to say fu.

 

Then id go bang out reps at the gym and be happy.

 

Roll with the punches, once again, your doing great.

 

Grit those teeth and bare it, I promise in the end it'll pay off.

 

 

 

Barky

[melell]

I am near the same time post breakup of an 8 year relationship. One thing that I have noticed is that my mind plays tricks on me.

 

The way I think about them changes depending on how I feel about myself. Even when everything is going great, if I feel down it automatically turns into me thinking about my ex. There seems to be no explanation. Sucks.

 

I can forget all of a sudden all the awful things and then want nothing more than to reach out and say 'I love you'. It makes little sense.

 

I really think these times are part of the healing process, and perhaps not regression at all, almost like each time it happens it is like a bit of spring cleaning for the mind. Each time we deal with them and keep on keeping on we get a bit closer to being free of it.

[Jenny1234]

I have the same feelings at 4 months. It's like a weird nightmare still. But I am just pushing forward. No other option was given. And if he wanted to contact me he certainly knows how to.

Just keeping doing you

[reddragon588]

Even though this is probably one of the hardest issues to deal with in a relationship, it's the hardest to see as a negative for me somehow. Really, the issue in my former relationship was commitment- she was afraid of it. But since the relationship was pretty much roses up until that point where she realized it, I'm having a hard time seeing the negatives. There wasn't fighting, there wasn't cheating, there wasn't abuse.. It was a great relationship, right up to the day where she realized she was afraid of making a long term commitment to me and ended it. So my hindsight is still one of a great relationship with potential, even though the relationship in reality had reached its end and is not able to be resurrected. I just need to get that realization into my mind as a personal reality, if that makes sense.

[Cali408]

You've broken no contact. You are going to her profiles. What you need to do is not go there. Stay off the social media internet. Don't search for her.

 

You have to completely forget. No one said it's easy. She's not looking you up.

[JDPT]

I think it may be a good opportunity to perhaps revisit the reasons why you two are no longer together an the positives in you currently being a free agent. Analyze very objectively what lead to the breakup don't sugar coat anything or fall on this "emotional" state, I understand easier said than done but try to be your own judge. Be very honest with yourself and no one else, the things she did, the things you did that lead to the separation and see the positive in it. The end of one chapter leads to the beginning of a new one. Focus the attention on you now and see the many possibilities and opportunities now that you are single and working towards the eradication of codependency. You have been proactively taken all the right steps and remember it does not have to be perfect, it's a very long process, day in and day out we all strive to bring the best out in us. I commend you for bettering yourself and having a very strong concept about the things you need to do to continue advancing yourself as a human being and simultaneously putting this breakup where it belongs which is in the past. Be easy on yourself, you know very well that there will be many ups and downs, simply embrace them and keep propelling yourself forward.

[forgetmenot75]

hi there.

 

I've been 3 months strict no contact. I've broken it yesterday when I said hi to him in a dating site.

 

I feel your pain, and I completely understand what you're feeling. these lasts weeks had been a nightmare for me too, to the point I could't bear it and contacted him.

If I could give you any advice, that would it be to stay strong. there will come the day you'll no longer have any feelings for her. but you must stay no contact. You've done a great job so far.

[Cali408]

It's okay to break contact. None of us are perfect. Look at how many people quit smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. and have a relapse.

 

Relationships are addicting. When you fall you need to get up and be persistent.

So you said hi on a dating website. No big deal. He responded, now it''s your turn to ignore him. Psychologically, you are on top now.

 

Try meet up dot com instead, go to a different dating site.

[forgetmenot75]

It's okay to break contact. None of us are perfect. Look at how many people quit smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. and have a relapse.

 

Relationships are addicting. When you fall you need to get up and be persistent.

So you said hi on a dating website. No big deal. He responded, now it''s your turn to ignore him. Psychologically, you are on top now.

 

Try meet up dot com instead, go to a different dating site.

 

thank you. that makes me feel better. I don;t have any idea of he responded or not because I can't look at it. I'm feeling super anxious, and I know it's no good. I need to calm down before signing in and see whether he replied or not.

 

(Sorry Reddragon I disrupted your post)

[Cali408]

Don't check. Why drive yourself crazy? Move on, because it's obsessive.

[cavalier99]

I remember month 4 NC being one of the worst. The mad dash at self improvment dies down and your left with the stark realization that this is your life without then and it is REALLY REALLY over. I mean you knew it was over before but now the reality of it all sets in.

 

They arnt coming back. EVER! This is a tought pill to swallow and a lot of the early on coping mechagnisms dont work as well.

 

Some of the self improvemnt early on is sorta a competative improvement to show them how great your doing even though your NC. But of course you will never get that validation to show that off. So things transistion to things being more for you. And this is super tough

 

It may feel like your going backwards but you are really moving fowards. You just need to go thru this and dont crack. Cry again if necessary its all part of the process.

 

Work on controling your thoughts even more and not letting your self think of the EX. Push those thoughts away. The new motto need to be NC and emotional fortitude. Hang strong and Rock on! Cav

Edited September 11, 2013 by cavalier99

[Viro12]

Sadness

Anger

Bargaining

Acceptance

 

 

Bargaining is the hardest to deal with.

[Angry bird]

I am back to grieving myself. I broke no contact a little bit too. I looked at a photo of him that I trashed weeks ago. And it was the first time I looked at him and surprisingly my first thought was, " I was hung up on this?" The flutter of love was all in my memory and in my loneliness, and a big part I think is him breaking it off with me...for someone else!!

 

But, after looking at the photo, I had two realizations

 

1. I am focusing on the wrong person

And

2. My mind has blown this guy up to be Brad Pitt,

 

Much of this heartache I believe is conditioning. We feel let down, but we have gotten comfortable in our disappointment a bit.

[reddragon588]

Thank you everyone for your feedback! I would not be where I am now without the support I've received on this website.

 

I remember month 4 NC being one of the worst. The mad dash at self improvment dies down and your left with the stark realization that this is your life without then and it is REALLY REALLY over. I mean you knew it was over before but now the reality of it all sets in.

 

They arnt coming back. EVER! This is a tought pill to swallow and a lot of the early on coping mechagnisms dont work as well.

 

Some of the self improvemnt early on is sorta a competative improvement to show them how great your doing even though your NC. But of course you will never get that validation to show that off. So things transistion to things being more for you. And this is super tough

 

It may feel like your going backwards but you are really moving fowards. You just need to go thru this and dont crack. Cry again if necessary its all part of the process.

 

Work on controling your thoughts even more and not letting your self think of the EX. Push those thoughts away. The new motto need to be NC and emotional fortitude. Hang strong and Rock on! Cav

 

You're absolutely right. Your post really resonated with me.

 

I yo-yo a lot, this morning was brutal. Right now I'm feeling good- I also went out on a hike tonight with some new people I met on meetup, rebuilding my social circles and friends.

 

When I'm down, I feel what you were saying about realizing it really is actually over and she's not coming back. Sometimes it's hard because even after some wins, I still can't get too excited for that reason- it seems that outweighs the positives at times. But I just have to keep piling to those wins up and eventually I'll get there.

[Cali408]

You are doing the right things. You had a great night last night. When you wake up lonely, say to yourself, "Really? I had a great night last night and am not going to let this bring me down." Let go, and be grateful for the stuff you have.

 

For example,

1. Great hike with new friends

2. You are hitting your stride today

3. You hopefully make it through without looking at her social profile

 

Those are 3 victories. You can only worry about today. Yesterday is gone. It takes at least 60 days to create new habits. Your first new habit is to get her out of your head. Don't daydream.

 

Second habit is no contact.

 

Keep it up you're doing great today.

[Recovered]

Hi Red.

 

I really can empathize with you.

 

For me, months 3-5 of no-contact were the hardest.

 

The first month was utter shock, disbelief and hope that it was just a mistake... so, initially, I didn't think it was really over.

 

Then in months 1-3, there was the self-improvement and focus on myself, but the reality was that everything I was doing was "for" my ex-. When you've shared everything with your ex-, when you celebrate together all of life's little victories and mourn the little defeats, it's so hard to stop. So I was working on myself, doing all the activities and hobbies and meetings and pseudo-dates, but in my mind, I was still having a 24/7 conversation about all of it with my ex-.

 

In a way, I had a feeling that it was like a test: the better I do at self-improving during no contact, the better the odds that my ex- would somehow come back to me.

 

Months 3-5 were so hard because it started to really sink in that I was accomplishing great things... but that I wasn't sharing them with the person who'd been so important to me and I never would. No matter what great things I did, it didn't change the fact that my ex- was gone. I stayed busy, on the outside it looked like I was moving forward great, but in the depth of my heart, I honestly felt that nothing I did mattered because my ex- didn't know about it. And the thought that my ex- didn't even care what I was doing...

 

It wasn't until a few months later that I finally was able to accomplish things and take pride in them for myself, without feeling that they were lessened by not being shared with the ex-.

 

Every day of no contact is a little victory for you. Gradually, over time, the good days will outnumber the bad days. And when you truly have moved on, you'll recognize that you're stronger and more confident than you were before all this happened.

[Nancy87]

Breaking NC brings back all the feelings of rejection all over again..

Be kind to yourself..

Dont break it..

When everything is going perfect for you, you want this one lil thing to work out too, but it doesn't, makes you feel clueless about life all over again..

Dont break NC!

[HereWeGoAgain1]

You could also go nuclear, much like I am (you've commented in my thread). It's controversial but it's an alternative and that is:

 

Break no contact. Stick all of your self improvements and progress into a neutral letter or email and send it to her. That's what I'm doing.

 

Why am I doing this?

 

The stupid hopefull part of me hopes that she go "oh wow, you really have changed lets meet up" but I know in reality that it's likely to get a cold reception or even worse a friendly reception but not the outcome that I'd really like. I even think there's a possibility she's gone back to her crazy horrible ex and she'll lay that on me too.

 

To many people this sounds crazy, but for me I need something to break the false hope. I can't do it just by willing it into my head, I need the hurt one more time so I can finally say "right f*ck you, I don't need you anymore, life starts now".

 

It seems that like my scenario, that there wasn't enough negative in the relationship for her to truly justify ending it. So the first break up talk you got probably wasn't enough to convince your mind that she really really really meant it. This is what I am experiencing and rather than just hoping it'll sink in and go away, I'm forcing the issue.

 

My letter (plus a birthday gift) was dropped in the mail today. I'm almost excited for tomorrow to see what reaction I get because I feel for me that whatever happens it'll be a true turning point, a line in the sand if you will.

 

Like I said...controversial and not for everyone but for me I feel it has to be done otherwise I don't think I can trick my brain into getting the message.

[Nancy87]

You know that's exactly how i broke my NC with him. sending him stuff, apologizing and asking for friendship..

Be prepared, it could swing either way..

Don't be so hopeful..

 

Din't work out for me..

But i can understand.. our brain needs time to accept the facts.. n only after our feelings feel mutilated beyond repair, would we rest ..

 

Update us on whatever her reaction is...

[HereWeGoAgain1]

You know that's exactly how i broke my NC with him. sending him stuff, apologizing and asking for friendship..

Be prepared, it could swing either way..

Don't be so hopeful..

 

Din't work out for me..

But i can understand.. our brain needs time to accept the facts.. n only after our feelings feel mutilated beyond repair, would we rest ..

 

Update us on whatever her reaction is...

 

I know it 99% won't work out for me either but that's almost kind of the point. I'm the kinda person who really needs to be knocked down hard before I start standing up again.

[lovesucks76]

I know it 99% won't work out for me either but that's almost kind of the point. I'm the kinda person who really needs to be knocked down hard before I start standing up again.

 

What's is meant to be it will be man!! I totally understand where you coming from. I really do. I also considered laying all the cards on the table and going for broke and calling her! I also thought it would be easier to be hurt one last time and quit hoping once and for all. I held back and didn't call her because I didn't want to lose my dignity and self respect. I also thought it would be easy for her to feel sorry for me and my desperate attempt so I didn't reach out. She started contacting me a couple weeks over into the BU and then again at weeks 3 and 4. It has been 6 weeks for us since BU and finally now she's back calling me and reaching out and inviting me do things.

 

My situation is very similar. There was no one else in the picture, we always got long and love each other very much. This is our first BU and we are both very stubborn too. She's a great person and I care about her and will love her forever but I'm not sure we're a good match anymore. I have to protect my heart now and what I think I want is not necessarily what's best for me. So good luck to you with whatever you're planning to do next.

[lauri]

You could also go nuclear, much like I am (you've commented in my thread). It's controversial but it's an alternative and that is:

 

Break no contact. Stick all of your self improvements and progress into a neutral letter or email and send it to her. That's what I'm doing.

 

Why am I doing this?

 

The stupid hopefull part of me hopes that she go "oh wow, you really have changed lets meet up" but I know in reality that it's likely to get a cold reception or even worse a friendly reception but not the outcome that I'd really like. I even think there's a possibility she's gone back to her crazy horrible ex and she'll lay that on me too.

 

To many people this sounds crazy, but for me I need something to break the false hope. I can't do it just by willing it into my head, I need the hurt one more time so I can finally say "right f*ck you, I don't need you anymore, life starts now".

 

It seems that like my scenario, that there wasn't enough negative in the relationship for her to truly justify ending it. So the first break up talk you got probably wasn't enough to convince your mind that she really really really meant it. This is what I am experiencing and rather than just hoping it'll sink in and go away, I'm forcing the issue.

 

My letter (plus a birthday gift) was dropped in the mail today. I'm almost excited for tomorrow to see what reaction I get because I feel for me that whatever happens it'll be a true turning point, a line in the sand if you will.

 

Like I said...controversial and not for everyone but for me I feel it has to be done otherwise I don't think I can trick my brain into getting the message.

 

I wish you all the best...either way you will get the answer you are looking for and some sort of way to eliminate the false hope.

 

Just as a word of advise - make sure you make it clear the chances and advancements you did were FOR YOU not for your ex. If she thinks you are doing this all to impress her and get her back it could backfire.

 

Just prepare yourself for anything - I hope this helps you in your healing process and allows you to move forward in life one way or another. If she does come back and wants to meet you, you have to be very very very cautious regarding her. Keep us posted on what happens!

[HereWeGoAgain1]

I wish you all the best...either way you will get the answer you are looking for and some sort of way to eliminate the false hope.

 

Just as a word of advise - make sure you make it clear the chances and advancements you did were FOR YOU not for your ex. If she thinks you are doing this all to impress her and get her back it could backfire.

 

Just prepare yourself for anything - I hope this helps you in your healing process and allows you to move forward in life one way or another. If she does come back and wants to meet you, you have to be very very very cautious regarding her. Keep us posted on what happens!

 

All the improvements were for me. I'm suffering from depression and social anxiety, but I was not aware of how bad it was because being with her was helping me mask it. Her leaving me pushed me over the edge and so I've been seeing a counsellor etc and sorting my life out.

 

Had she stayed with me then I'd have never realised how bad things were, but then it sucks because I think if I hadn't been so screwed up we might have worked out. I didn't realise at the time how miserable I was making her but now I'm getting better I can look back and see what I was doing.

 

The gist of my letter is basically explaining that to her but also saying she was right to leave me and that I understand how difficult I must have been to deal with.

 

The present I've got her is something really special BUT I've made it 100% clear that it's not a bargaining chip, I do genuinely like giving gifts to people, it's just the way I am.

 

I'm only expecting the negative because she hasn't made a single attempt to contact me in the whole time since BU, but then I haven't contacted her either. Also when we first started dating, we both happened to mention that if we ever dumped each other then we would never talk to each other again. Was a weird convo to have but she probably remembers that.