MissNoname Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I asked this guy Im dating if he wanted to hang out Monday night, which is tonight. We were together Sunday morning when I asked him. He said to call him Monday (today) and he will let me know if he can. I should call him tonight to ask him but I feel like not seeing him tonight. I dont like that he cant commit to me ahead of time and tell me if he can or cant. Just wondering whats the best way to tell him that I've changed my mind and I dont want to see him tonight? Thanks for the advice.
phineas Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Better hope he's not the kind of guy who hates it when women flake on him and he dumps you.
Author MissNoname Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Better hope he's not the kind of guy who hates it when women flake on him and he dumps you. Ive never flaked on him. Thats why Im worried because I dont want to start and he would start flaking too. But I dont feel like seeing him tonight.
Balzac Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Tell him before the NFL game starts. Trust me, he's got options. 4
Author MissNoname Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Tell him before the NFL game starts. Trust me, he's got options. Ok but how do I say it? I dont want him to think Im a flaker.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 He kind of placed the ball in your court intentionally...and now it's your obligation to call him to ask him if he's available to hang out or you're the flake? Yeah....right I wouldn't call. 2
Author MissNoname Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 He kind of placed the ball in your court intentionally...and now it's your obligation to call him to ask him if he's available to hang out or you're the flake? Yeah....right I wouldn't call. So you advice not to call?? This is a guy Im dating for a few months and I see him every weekend.
CptSaveAho Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 end result of a guy letting her drive (telling her to call) shes going to drive right off the cliff guys should learn from this, say yes and lead or be prepared for this to happen
MrCastle Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 How concrete was this talk? Friends and I, women and I, always have fluff conversations. "Oh we should do something next week." "Yeah we totally should!" And then neither person contacts the other and it was just a pipe dream plan. But if it was like "Hey maybe we can hang out Monday (or any concrete, specific day)" "Yeah I'll see. Call me and we'll talk about it." That's has a little bit more substance. One party should let the other party know they can or can't make it. Not absolutely required but it would be courteous.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 So you advice not to call?? This is a guy Im dating for a few months and I see him every weekend. But you already saw him on the weekend right? Doesn't sound like he was that interested in seeing you tonight or I believe he would've given you a different answer or exuded more effort, it's already evening...he could have let you know if he was available instead of having you reach out to him. If the guy is interested he's going to pursue you. If he asks why you didn't call, just tell him you didn't want to bother him If he was busy because he was unsure about hanging out and you weren't feeling that way as well, you figured if he was available he would have contacted you. It just depends on how you communicate with each other, If I ask someone to hang out another day and they give me an undecided answer then I'm not going to put in all the effort to make it happen...especially when after two months of dating calling each other or contacting each other to make plans shouldn't be an obstacle. Don't make yourself so available if he isn't willing to put the effort...i don't know what's happened at this point in two months but this should be something easily resolved and communicated. 1
nescafe1982 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Don't make yourself so available if he isn't willing to put the effort. ^This. If you asked to make plans once already and he was flaky and noncommittal, it's on him to reach you. Don't call him again for this same day... you asked once and he was being flaky. When he wants to hang out, he'll call. Try pulling back on him (you know, the "rubberband" trick?) and see if it improves his priorities.
ChatroomHero Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 But you already saw him on the weekend right? Doesn't sound like he was that interested in seeing you tonight or I believe he would've given you a different answer or exuded more effort, it's already evening...he could have let you know if he was available instead of having you reach out to him. If the guy is interested he's going to pursue you. Don't make yourself so available if he isn't willing to put the effort...i don't know what's happened at this point in two months but this should be something easily resolved and communicated. I disagree. On Sunday I have not always checked my schedule for the week. I may have to work late, a lot of things come in over the weekend. Usually if someone asks me on Sunday what I am doing that week even Monday I don't necessarily know until Monday around 2 or 3 pm what work is going to be like. To dismiss someone because he doesn't answer right away is dumb in my opinion. I am sure if this guy asked the OP out and the situation was changed and she wasn't sure she could commit because she hadn't looked that far ahead or has a job where Mondays are spent putting out fires, I expect she would not think it was a big deal not to commit. To say if the guy is interested he will pursue you after spending Sunday with you, sounds a bit like a princess complex. When you are dating a guy he can really like you but not put you on a pedestal and ahead of everything else. If you want a man with a real job that's worth anything, you better be willing to accept that sometimes, gasp, other things like work may come before you while you are dating. Op doesn't say, but I am guessing like me, his Monday's might be hell. I had plans to go over my gf's house tonight to watch a movie and at 5pm I got an email asking about a project and realized I had to work all night. I will almost never commit to things early in the week because of the way my week gets frontloaded. It doesn't mean I am blowing anyone off, it just means that work is pretty important. To dismiss someone for that seems a little immature. 1
CptSaveAho Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) I disagree. On Sunday I have not always checked my schedule for the week. I may have to work late, a lot of things come in over the weekend. Usually if someone asks me on Sunday what I am doing that week even Monday I don't necessarily know until Monday around 2 or 3 pm what work is going to be like. To dismiss someone because he doesn't answer right away is dumb in my opinion. I am sure if this guy asked the OP out and the situation was changed and she wasn't sure she could commit because she hadn't looked that far ahead or has a job where Mondays are spent putting out fires, I expect she would not think it was a big deal not to commit. To say if the guy is interested he will pursue you after spending Sunday with you, sounds a bit like a princess complex. When you are dating a guy he can really like you but not put you on a pedestal and ahead of everything else. If you want a man with a real job that's worth anything, you better be willing to accept that sometimes, gasp, other things like work may come before you while you are dating. Op doesn't say, but I am guessing like me, his Monday's might be hell. I had plans to go over my gf's house tonight to watch a movie and at 5pm I got an email asking about a project and realized I had to work all night. I will almost never commit to things early in the week because of the way my week gets frontloaded. It doesn't mean I am blowing anyone off, it just means that work is pretty important. To dismiss someone for that seems a little immature. Did you even read the OP and what the she wrote and compared it to what ninja wrote? I see the bs a mile away, so does Ninja, so does OP So for having to spell it out for you.... OP asked the guy shes dating to hang out with her (in womanese). Its his job as a "man" to say yes or no... not put the ball back in her court She wanted to hang out with him so she asked.... he rejected her offerings in her own words I dont like that he cant commit to me ahead of time and tell me if he can or cant. Its simple, yes or no, not call me tomorrow. If I am dating someone and they ask me to hang out the next day and I like the person, I am either going to say yes, great idea or no I have a lot of work to catch up on. I am not going to string her along with call me tomorrow bs Edited September 10, 2013 by CptSaveAho 1
Adele0908 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I asked this guy Im dating if he wanted to hang out Monday night, which is tonight. We were together Sunday morning when I asked him. He said to call him Monday (today) and he will let me know if he can. I should call him tonight to ask him but I feel like not seeing him tonight. I dont like that he cant commit to me ahead of time and tell me if he can or cant. Just wondering whats the best way to tell him that I've changed my mind and I dont want to see him tonight? Thanks for the advice. Just don't call. Nothing was confirmed so you wouldn't be flaking if you didn't call. 2
todreaminblue Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Ok but how do I say it? I dont want him to think Im a flaker. why dont you want to see him?...deb
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Not knowing if he can see you before the day is fine, he might suddenly have a tonne of work that needs doing. But if he was bothered, he'd be the one to initiate calling you and telling you his decision, not expecting you to call him to get your answer! I'm not into games etc. but it doesn't sound like he's too bothered about seeing you last night. I think if he was, he'd have made it clear. I'd just have said 'oh that's fine if you're busy, let me know when things are a bit better for you' and left it at that. If he wants to be in your company, he'll make the effort.
Sweeetie Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 But you already saw him on the weekend right? Doesn't sound like he was that interested in seeing you tonight or I believe he would've given you a different answer or exuded more effort, it's already evening...he could have let you know if he was available instead of having you reach out to him. If the guy is interested he's going to pursue you. If he asks why you didn't call, just tell him you didn't want to bother him If he was busy because he was unsure about hanging out and you weren't feeling that way as well, you figured if he was available he would have contacted you. It just depends on how you communicate with each other, If I ask someone to hang out another day and they give me an undecided answer then I'm not going to put in all the effort to make it happen...especially when after two months of dating calling each other or contacting each other to make plans shouldn't be an obstacle. Don't make yourself so available if he isn't willing to put the effort...i don't know what's happened at this point in two months but this should be something easily resolved and communicated. I disagree. On Sunday I have not always checked my schedule for the week. I may have to work late, a lot of things come in over the weekend. Usually if someone asks me on Sunday what I am doing that week even Monday I don't necessarily know until Monday around 2 or 3 pm what work is going to be like. To dismiss someone because he doesn't answer right away is dumb in my opinion. I am sure if this guy asked the OP out and the situation was changed and she wasn't sure she could commit because she hadn't looked that far ahead or has a job where Mondays are spent putting out fires, I expect she would not think it was a big deal not to commit. To say if the guy is interested he will pursue you after spending Sunday with you, sounds a bit like a princess complex. When you are dating a guy he can really like you but not put you on a pedestal and ahead of everything else. If you want a man with a real job that's worth anything, you better be willing to accept that sometimes, gasp, other things like work may come before you while you are dating. Op doesn't say, but I am guessing like me, his Monday's might be hell. I had plans to go over my gf's house tonight to watch a movie and at 5pm I got an email asking about a project and realized I had to work all night. I will almost never commit to things early in the week because of the way my week gets frontloaded. It doesn't mean I am blowing anyone off, it just means that work is pretty important. To dismiss someone for that seems a little immature. I agree with both of these. However, if this guy knew that his job was a little unpredictable, he should have responded in a more suitable way that doesn't make the OP doubt his interest. Something as simple as "is if ok if I let you know tomorrow? It depends what time my boss sets me free after the unpredictable Monday, but hopefully we'll be able to meet ." If someone I was interested in asked me out and it happened to be a day I was unsure of due to work, I wouldn't want to risk appearing like a flake to them so I'd say it like this.
phineas Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I agree with both of these. However, if this guy knew that his job was a little unpredictable, he should have responded in a more suitable way that doesn't make the OP doubt his interest. Something as simple as "is if ok if I let you know tomorrow? It depends what time my boss sets me free after the unpredictable Monday, but hopefully we'll be able to meet ." If someone I was interested in asked me out and it happened to be a day I was unsure of due to work, I wouldn't want to risk appearing like a flake to them so I'd say it like this. She's been seeing him for 2 months and obviously spending the weekend with him. You would think OP knows his style of communication by now.
Sweeetie Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 She's been seeing him for 2 months and obviously spending the weekend with him. You would think OP knows his style of communication by now. Well, manners don't have an expiration date, and clearly she is confused by his reaction. To him it could have been a harmless way of saying he doesn't know if he'll be free due to work, so one could argue he should know her way of interpreting things by now.
phineas Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Well, manners don't have an expiration date, and clearly she is confused by his reaction. To him it could have been a harmless way of saying he doesn't know if he'll be free due to work, so one could argue he should know her way of interpreting things by now. She isn't confused by his reaction. She is confused by her feelings of canceling on the guy out of spite because she didn't like the way he answered her. Most likely he just isn't as invested as she is or wants him to be. Despite what op posted she clearly believes she does in fact have plans with the guy. Otherwise why make a thread agonizing over how to cancel non-plans or even maybe-plans?
Author MissNoname Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 She isn't confused by his reaction. She is confused by her feelings of canceling on the guy out of spite because she didn't like the way he answered her. Most likely he just isn't as invested as she is or wants him to be. Despite what op posted she clearly believes she does in fact have plans with the guy. Otherwise why make a thread agonizing over how to cancel non-plans or even maybe-plans? I made this thread because I didnt want to look like Im a flake if I didnt call in case he was expecting a call from me.
Author MissNoname Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Just an update, I texted him on Monday asking if he was free to hang out. He sent me a text Monday night saying he was still at work. I sent him a text saying not to worry about it because I made other plans. Then I went out with a girlfriend and put my phone on silence. I was a little upset because he waited late at night like around 8ish to let me know. After I told him that I made other plans, he sent me multiple texts asking who I was with, if I went out with the dude who approached me at a party, sent me sad faces, telling me to have fun with my date, texting me that he got home from work. Pretty much sending me texts in two hours that I didnt reply till I got home like around 11ish. I just sent a simple text saying "sorry I didnt see your texts, I was out", which he didnt reply to. We havent talked since then. 1
scorpiogirl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Just an update, I texted him on Monday asking if he was free to hang out. He sent me a text Monday night saying he was still at work. I sent him a text saying not to worry about it because I made other plans. Then I went out with a girlfriend and put my phone on silence. I was a little upset because he waited late at night like around 8ish to let me know. After I told him that I made other plans, he sent me multiple texts asking who I was with, if I went out with the dude who approached me at a party, sent me sad faces, telling me to have fun with my date, texting me that he got home from work. Pretty much sending me texts in two hours that I didnt reply till I got home like around 11ish. I just sent a simple text saying "sorry I didnt see your texts, I was out", which he didnt reply to. We havent talked since then. Good. As far as I'm concerned you shouldn't even have texted on Monday. He could have phrased his original response better. "I might have to work late. Let ME get back to YOU to let you know" Then he got all hurt when you didn't sit around waiting for him. DO NOT contact him again. He knows where to find you if he wants to see you. 1
nescafe1982 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Just an update, I texted him on Monday asking if he was free to hang out. He sent me a text Monday night saying he was still at work. I sent him a text saying not to worry about it because I made other plans. Then I went out with a girlfriend and put my phone on silence. I was a little upset because he waited late at night like around 8ish to let me know. After I told him that I made other plans, he sent me multiple texts asking who I was with, if I went out with the dude who approached me at a party, sent me sad faces, telling me to have fun with my date, texting me that he got home from work. Pretty much sending me texts in two hours that I didnt reply till I got home like around 11ish. I just sent a simple text saying "sorry I didnt see your texts, I was out", which he didnt reply to. We havent talked since then. Well, bravo for balancing between "too available" and "not available;" I think you struck just the right chord! You gave him a chance, and then had a good time with the gals! His responses definitely show that he sensed you were done being a doormat; the only problem is that he assumed that the change came from another guy, not from you. But you know what? That's not your problem. That's his. You did exactly what I would have done, and his reaction just reveals that he's not mature enough to date you. The only thing I would have changed is I would have said "Sorry, I was out with Sara." But that's just me.. I don't think that you owed him that in the least.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I hoped you would NOT contact/text him that Monday night but it was probable you would, however for the rest of it that was good...you definitely got his attention. Unfortunately I think this guy is just going to play games with you though at this stage, for myself and what I know about men at least...that's enough to see what is going to motivate this guy. He reacted in jealously/insecurity when faced with the prospect you might be on another day or with another guy, that's pretty typical for men in general, but it's not for the reasons you may want to believe. I think the way he reacted was completely typical and inline with my initial thoughts however...I don't think he's that into you, but like I tell people over and over about men...it does not mean they will stop pursuing you, you just drew a line there for him and now he understands that. I'm glad you did not clarify who you were with, let him sleep on that. If you want to keep dating this guy, at the very least communicate and express that If he's unsure of a work schedule or uncertain of when he'll be available that you're not going to wait around for him unless he really makes an effort to communicate and be respectful of your time, and you think it's appropriate for him to take the initiative since you have no idea what his days are like or how they are going go and when he is free. You've got to be firm and communicative or at least learn how to be even if you're scared to frighten him off like he's a baby puppy or you're just scared to confront men...you've got to have expectations and show some strength if you want a guy to respect you and take you seriously. You're not going to accomplish anything with most men if you can't demand respect for yourself and communicate your needs/expectations and you just bend and mold to their desires or needs and make all these excuses in your head and give him "chances" and crap without him even knowing any better, they'll just chop you down like wood and eventually throw you into the fireplace to burn...that behavior is just going to attract someone who wants to do things his way and puts your needs second or even third.
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