How would you have preferred to hear from the OW/OM?

September 10, 2013

I've seen complaints from BS's about HOW they were told by the OW/OM, such as by anonymous email. What is the best way, if there is such a thing? What would you have ideally heard from the OW/OM? The bare facts? Details? Apologies? Nothing?

A short simple statement of the facts along with the REASON you are telling, the medium does not matter. The reason will be important in whether the betrayed spouse believes you. If you have any evidence you would like to offer (copies of emails or texts, for example) offer them up. Talk to the betrayed spouse with the same tone and demeanor that you would if you were giving any other kind of bad news (e.g., I'm sorry, but I hit your car in the parking lot, your mirror and door appear to be damaged, here is my insurance company information).

When it started
When it ended
How many hookups (approximately)
How emotional it was (I love you's)
How you met
Why you decided to tell me

Hi, I had an affair with your spouse, we are co-workers, it started in April, it just ended, we had sex at least 20 times, he told me he loved me, and I thought I loved him too, I am telling you because I found out your spouse lied to me about getting divorced from you and I thought you deserved to know the truth.

If you are the other man or other woman, no matter how nice you try to be, you have to accept that the initial reaction of the betrayed spouse MIGHT be to try to take it all out on you, instead of on their cheating spouse. This is kind of along the same lines as parents who blame the bad behavior of their son on the bad crowd he is hanging out with. "My son is good, but those other boys are bad." If this happens, end the conversation quickly ("once again, I'm sorry, I just thought you deserved to know the truth, I have to go now, goodbye").

Keep it short and sweet, the facts of what happened and why you decided to tell, no "opinion" comments praising or detracting the spouse or the betrayed partner. Be prepared to take some verbal abuse from the betrayed partner and to end the conversation quickly.

September 10, 2013

My H told me, but if he hadn't, I would have preferred to know from anyone so as to give me informed choices. I think that I would have welcomed a letter rather than a text or even a telephone call to my home, simply because I could be anywhere and with anyone when a text came through and I would have fallen apart to read that H was having or had an A, I would rather this in private than public. I would also have appreciated being given the choice to know what I needed at my own pace, so a simple, I have been having an A with your husband, do you want to talk and then contact details and a time, that way both are prepared and expecting what is to come.

I think those that send pictures, emails etc don't really think through the shock these bring and not imagine how it can be to be going through a normal day when a whole pile of life shattering information arrives through the letterbox or inbox. Had I gone through a D day and H was still seeing the OW, would have liked and appreciated her sending me a simple text saying that H was trying to contact her and again offer to discuss if she chose, but also give a time frame. In that way, the OW would know her message had been received and that she could either expect a call, or not.

I was sent emails through the post, whole pages of them and I was floored as I wasn't expecting them, they arrived on a day I was going for chemo, so not what I needed. I already knew, it was over and it was done for malice, I burned them. OW couldn't stand to think that H and I were reconciling and a part of me understood that, but even so, her actions only served to make her seem needy, angry and brought us closer together.

I think that as you and the MM are over and you are keeping NC and fully intend to, and if she knows, that you keep it brief and offer the opportunity to talk or not, but do give a timescale, that way you too can draw a line under it all and move on. I hope it goes OK.

September 10, 2013

What mickey said basically.

Facts with no emotional outpourings, no blame-shifting, no excuses.

I could have worked with that and made some decisions. I actually found out, H didn't tell me, I don't think he ever would so OW was the only person who could. One other friend of mine had some faint suspicions but not enough to say anything to me. OW's friends knew but not likely to tell me.

September 10, 2013

I would want to know. While hearing from the OP may not be optimal, it's better than never knowing. Years of my life could be wasted otherwise.

A brief letter of confession, apology, and an offer to meet to honestly answer any questions seems the best route to me. Some BSs want more detail; some want less. It's pretty much guaranteed that all will need proof. Instead of proactively sending it all, be willing to make it all available.

I recommend the first communication to be fairly short. Lengthy explanations just end up sounding like rationalizations.

Good luck. I do believe that leaving her in the dark is probably slowing down your healing process. And I'm certain that it's slowing down hers.

September 10, 2013

I would want to know. While hearing from the OP may not be optimal, it's better than never knowing. Years of my life could be wasted otherwise.

A brief letter of confession, apology, and an offer to meet to honestly answer any questions seems the best route to me. Some BSs want more detail; some want less. It's pretty much guaranteed that all will need proof. Instead of proactively sending it all, be willing to make it all available.

I recommend the first communication to be fairly short. Lengthy explanations just end up sounding like rationalizations.

Good luck. I do believe that leaving her in the dark is probably slowing down your healing process. And I'm certain that it's slowing down hers.

It wasn't my intention, but I believe disclosing my affair to his wife definitely sped up my healing process. I didn't want that at her expense, but at least I know she has a complete picture. I disclosed and let her dictate what she wanted to know, including emails.

I left her with the truth, an apology, a promise to cease being any part of her life, and an offer to answer any questions she may have in the future.

September 10, 2013

My situation is a bit different in that I knew the OW and she pretended to be a friend. I would not have wanted her to personally witness my pain and humiliation, but I would still have wanted to know. Based on that, in your situation, I would go with a short email as the first communication to give her her privacy to deal with her initial reaction. I really believe you would be doing the right thing. I know the thought that you are causing someone pain is scary, but it's not the telling that's the cause of the pain, it was the affair itself, the ways in which it inevitably changed her H, and the ripples that have been running through her life from it that have probably been hurting her all along.

September 10, 2013

I left her with the truth, an apology, a promise to cease being any part of her life, and an offer to answer any questions she may have in the future.

:) Awesome! I'm sure this took a lot of courage and humility. I hope it left you with some peace.

September 10, 2013

It wasn't my intention, but I believe disclosing my affair to his wife definitely sped up my healing process. I didn't want that at her expense, but at least I know she has a complete picture. I disclosed and let her dictate what she wanted to know, including emails.

I left her with the truth, an apology, a promise to cease being any part of her life, and an offer to answer any questions she may have in the future.

I think this is the most overlooked, and most important reason for disclosure an OW/OM can consider- their own healing.

September 10, 2013

This is something I do not understand. If you want proof, then to me, that just seems like giving you that would be spiteful, ie i can prove what colour your bedroom is. I can tell you what colour undies your H wears. I think if you tell someone, then can find their own proof if they want it. I never gave BS proof and she never asked me for it. It is only later on that she put the pieces together. Why on earth would any BS think that someone would just make up having an affair with your H???? I know there are nut jobs who maybe could exaggerate but rarely is there smoke without fire.

The BSs who want proof are the ones that say "oh she was stalking him" Oh it was just sex and they only had it once." etc.

I think that this is just you not knowing what it's like to be a blindsided BS, j'adore.

I'm not sure I would have believed some stranger over my wife (that I had been with for 18 years). I suspect I would have investigated on my own but I wouldn't have instantly believed someone that made the claim if they offered no proof of it whatsoever (esp. If it were an anonymous email or something similar). The wayward spouse would most certainly deny it and then what are you left with? Unverifiable doubt? That just leaves the BS with a mess, especially if the affair had ended and investigating would turn up nothing.

The typical BS is the faithful type that doesn't have a cheater's mentality. I probably would have believed someone (perhaps a coworker) was trying to get vengeance on me or my wife if I had nothing else to go on.

September 10, 2013

It seems the majority of BS's would NOT like to be kept in the dark about his/her spouses infidelity. The preferred source of discovery would be by the self-admission of cheating spouse. If that doesn't happen (and it seems to rarely happen) would you have appreciated being told by the OW/OM?

I've seen complaints from BS's about HOW they were told by the OW/OM, such as by anonymous email. What is the best way, if there is such a thing? What would you have ideally heard from the OW/OM? The bare facts? Details? Apologies? Nothing?

I ended things with exMM soon after the "truth" was revealed to me (he'd told me his WIFE had initiated divorce). We've been NC for a few months. He has attempted to contact me a few times. I am deeply conflicted between feeling the W should know vs. my own desire to just stay the heck out of it. Sometimes I wonder if her being in the "dark" keeps me stuck. But then I wonder if my disclosure would really be revenge to the exMM...I feel I've moved beyond most of my anger, but I don't know, emotions are all mixed up.

If you did have an experience of the OW/OM disclosing his/her relationship with your spouse, could you share your story please?

Thanks in advance.

If it were me I would like to hear the truth from anyone.

September 10, 2013

A short simple statement of the facts along with the REASON you are telling, the medium does not matter. The reason will be important in whether the betrayed spouse believes you. If you have any evidence you would like to offer (copies of emails or texts, for example) offer them up. Talk to the betrayed spouse with the same tone and demeanor that you would if you were giving any other kind of bad news (e.g., I'm sorry, but I hit your car in the parking lot, your mirror and door appear to be damaged, here is my insurance company information).

When it started
When it ended
How many hookups (approximately)
How emotional it was (I love you's)
How you met
Why you decided to tell me
Hi, I had an affair with your spouse, we are co-workers, it started in April, it just ended, we had sex at least 20 times, he told me he loved me, and I thought I loved him too, I am telling you because I found out your spouse lied to me about getting divorced from you and I thought you deserved to know the truth.

If you are the other man or other woman, no matter how nice you try to be, you have to accept that the initial reaction of the betrayed spouse MIGHT be to try to take it all out on you, instead of on their cheating spouse. This is kind of along the same lines as parents who blame the bad behavior of their son on the bad crowd he is hanging out with. "My son is good, but those other boys are bad." If this happens, end the conversation quickly ("once again, I'm sorry, I just thought you deserved to know the truth, I have to go now, goodbye").

Keep it short and sweet, the facts of what happened and why you decided to tell, no "opinion" comments praising or detracting the spouse or the betrayed partner. Be prepared to take some verbal abuse from the betrayed partner and to end the conversation quickly.

Thank you. This was very helpful for organizing my thoughts.

September 10, 2013

This is something I do not understand. If you want proof, then to me, that just seems like giving you that would be spiteful, ie i can prove what colour your bedroom is. I can tell you what colour undies your H wears. I think if you tell someone, then can find their own proof if they want it. I never gave BS proof and she never asked me for it. It is only later on that she put the pieces together. Why on earth would any BS think that someone would just make up having an affair with your H???? I know there are nut jobs who maybe could exaggerate but rarely is there smoke without fire.

The BSs who want proof are the ones that say "oh she was stalking him" Oh it was just sex and they only had it once." etc.

Ok, flip it around. BS contacts an OW one time out of the blue by text. who This is a long affair in which the OW is convinced MM is in a sexless marriage that they are just holding together for the kids. MM plans on leaving BS as soon as the kids are old enough.

It's a text that says- "Guess what sweetie? I'm still having sex with your boyfriend"

MM apologizes profusely to OW, says that BS was drinking and is crazy, they never had sex but had simply gotten in an argument about some bills and she was just being a spiteful beyotch, she has her own boyfriend and everything is ok... All the plans for him to leave his marriage are still on track as soon as the youngest child turns 12. Don't worry baby. Would an OW fall for this? Or would she immediately break up with MM because obviously, where there is smoke there is fire? Would she want proof?

September 10, 2013

It wasn't my intention, but I believe disclosing my affair to his wife definitely sped up my healing process. I didn't want that at her expense, but at least I know she has a complete picture. I disclosed and let her dictate what she wanted to know, including emails.

I left her with the truth, an apology, a promise to cease being any part of her life, and an offer to answer any questions she may have in the future.

Red,

Had you debated not telling the BS? What was the deciding factor in going forward with the disclosure? Did she desire further information from you or was the admission of an affair sufficient? I'm sorry to hear that the process didn't speed your healing. How are you now?

September 10, 2013

Red,

Had you debated not telling the BS? What was the deciding factor in going forward with the disclosure? Did she desire further information from you or was the admission of an affair sufficient? I'm sorry to hear that the process didn't speed your healing. How are you now?

She said it definitely sped up her healing

September 10, 2013

@ j'adore:

I want you to know, I'm not being hard on you or on OW's. I am not on "BS's side".... I am on the side of ALL people who are being hurt by lies and deception from infidelity... I don't care who they are or what they did. Nobody deserves to be strung along and lied to by someone who claims to love them.