How would you have preferred to hear from the OW/OM?

[Goodbye]

It seems the majority of BS's would NOT like to be kept in the dark about his/her spouses infidelity. The preferred source of discovery would be by the self-admission of cheating spouse. If that doesn't happen (and it seems to rarely happen) would you have appreciated being told by the OW/OM?

 

I've seen complaints from BS's about HOW they were told by the OW/OM, such as by anonymous email. What is the best way, if there is such a thing? What would you have ideally heard from the OW/OM? The bare facts? Details? Apologies? Nothing?

 

I ended things with exMM soon after the "truth" was revealed to me (he'd told me his WIFE had initiated divorce). We've been NC for a few months. He has attempted to contact me a few times. I am deeply conflicted between feeling the W should know vs. my own desire to just stay the heck out of it. Sometimes I wonder if her being in the "dark" keeps me stuck. But then I wonder if my disclosure would really be revenge to the exMM...I feel I've moved beyond most of my anger, but I don't know, emotions are all mixed up.

 

If you did have an experience of the OW/OM disclosing his/her relationship with your spouse, could you share your story please?

 

Thanks in advance.

[yellowmaverick]

Hi Goodbye.

 

My H's mistress did not tell me. In fact, she did not want me to know because she knew that he would not choose to be with her.

 

But, yes, I would have preferred that she told me. I would have preferred knowing the reality that my H was a liar and a cheater. While I can't say that I would have reacted in a dignified manner, I would have appreciated knowing everything but the sexual details.

 

Since she wanted to continue to have sex with my H, I can understand why she did not tell me. What I can't understand is why she was so nasty to me and my children after d-day. I had never even met her or talked to her before d-day. I guess I am pretty naive when it comes to affairs. I expected an apology from her. I expected her to feel ashamed or empathetic when she learned how much devastation the affair caused me and my children. I expected her to feel bad for the pain and fallout that she caused in her part in the affair. In short, I expected her to be a decent human being. She wasn't.

 

It was a real eye opener - all the way around.

[yellowmaverick]

I wanted to add to my post above that I am speaking about the OW in my case. I have been lurking on these forums long enough to know that I can't paint all OW or fOW with the same brush [OP included].

[Goodbye]

For me this would be the preferred method- the OW tells the MM he has 2 weeks to tell his spouse and provide some type of proof- a call, email whatever from the BS or you will tell- this gives the BS the chance to hear it directly from their spouse rather than being blind-sided by a stranger- also gives the chance to have it done at a time when the kids are not around, etc...

 

I received an anon text, later found out to be our OW and I received it when my kids were around-ugh! I feel badly saying this in your thread because I like you, but honestly, the OW is a persona non-grata (spelling?) in the life of a BS and to have something like that exposed by someone you have so little respect for is an extra kick in the gut-

 

In your situation because you were also betrayed by the MM, I would send him an email saying you are only breaking NC to tell him to tell his wife so that you can move on and heal...you owe him nothing, he is a POS for what he did to you and his wife-

 

 

After the March confession, I told him I was telling his W. He then claimed he had. I do not believe he has. So, telling him he needs to tell her will only spawn more "I already did" from him.

[Betterthanthis13]

It seems the majority of BS's would NOT like to be kept in the dark about his/her spouses infidelity. The preferred source of discovery would be by the self-admission of cheating spouse. If that doesn't happen (and it seems to rarely happen) would you have appreciated being told by the OW/OM?

 

I've seen complaints from BS's about HOW they were told by the OW/OM, such as by anonymous email. What is the best way, if there is such a thing? What would you have ideally heard from the OW/OM? The bare facts? Details? Apologies? Nothing?

 

I ended things with exMM soon after the "truth" was revealed to me (he'd told me his WIFE had initiated divorce). We've been NC for a few months. He has attempted to contact me a few times. I am deeply conflicted between feeling the W should know vs. my own desire to just stay the heck out of it. Sometimes I wonder if her being in the "dark" keeps me stuck. But then I wonder if my disclosure would really be revenge to the exMM...I feel I've moved beyond most of my anger, but I don't know, emotions are all mixed up.

 

If you did have an experience of the OW/OM disclosing his/her relationship with your spouse, could you share your story please?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

I don't have a typical OW in my story per se. However, the one girl who comes close to fitting the profile is the girl "friend" who my xbf texted back in June that ended up causing the DDay that brought me to LS. I like to call her gym girl.

 

For some reason, this girl hates my guts. She slept with xbf during our first breakup last year. I didn't know that until after this DDay. She has always liked him.

 

I have quit my gym because of the animosity this girl has towards me, even now. She is fully aware that we have split up and he has moved out. She knows I have switched gyms and am avoiding her.

 

I would have loved for her to tell me the truth about what she knew about my xbf at any point in time during the year and a half that they were "friends". I would love the opportunity for her to drop her attitude and stop being a nasty beyotch and give me some honest answers to help me put some of the last remaining pieces of the puzzle together. She has a new boyfriend, I have no idea what her problem could possibly be with me now. I have zero hope of this ever actually happening.

 

So my answer to your question is.... Anything, really. Anything honest, somewhat tactful, and not downright nasty would be helpful. Right now I am just perplexed by her behavior from beginning to end, all I can do is avoid her and try to put the whole thing out of my mind. It would be easier to put out of my mind if I knew what it was that I was putting out of my mind....so weird....

[Goodbye]

OK, then I would do what I did- our OW would not back off, I told her to do so or I would tell her husband-she said he knew-the first line of my email to him was....

 

It is my understanding that you are aware of the situation between my husband and your wife, if not, I apologize for you finding out this way.

 

 

I went on to ask for his help in getting his wife to stop intruding in our lives- it didn't work and that pyscho is still at it but at least I followed through as I said I would and she is left to deal with the consequences of her actions-

 

 

I like what you said "I apologize if you are finding out this way."

 

When did the affair end? Has your H been straight with the OW? I'm sorry she continues to harass you, that is just weird.

[ComingInHot]

Hey Goodbye,

I guess I wish that exOW would not have been cruel to me when she told me. That's all really as I Am grateful for the truth.

But ya, she could have been decent, at least to Me, I never did Anything to deserve her wrath.

[Ebelskiver]

Betterthanthis, it seems to me that maybe your ex was telling lies to gym girl....maybe that you are the liar and cheater. That you manipulated him. She may be mad at you for hurting HIM! Since he had no problem in lying to you about just about everyhting, I wouldn't put it past him to have lied to her to make himself look better in her eyes.

 

As to the original question; it would have been nice if the OW had pulled me aside instead of spilling the beans in the middle of a sushi joint. However, she was just as surprised as I was so I don't blame her that she wasn't thnking of my feelings. I like that we were able to exchange numbers and that we later met so that we could go through the process of discovery together without having to rely on him for trickle truth.

 

Our situation may be different than average in that niether of us knew of the other. He lied to us both. It would have been different if she knew he and I were together and decided to continue seeing him anyway. In that case, I would still have liked to have a respectful discussion in person or over the phone to uncover the lies.

[Betterthanthis13]

@Ebelskiver- oh yeah, no doubt about that.

 

I am curious exactly what kind of horrific monster I am. It doesn't really matter, I know. Although my business is built upon my reputation...

 

Ah, whatever. The faster I get away from this mess the better. Anyone who knows me knows that whatever lies that idiot spread about me are nothing more than absurd nonsense. Consider the source.

 

High road...

[painfullyobvious]

Is it too mean to say I would have preferred to hear from OM when I read his obituary?

[whatatangledweb]

The OW is not someone I would have wanted to contact me at all. Yet she did a year and a half after d-day by text. He had told her it was over on dday that I knew everything. Which was true. Her contacting me just pissed me off...why contact me so long afterwards? Honestly I think she did it because she was pissed at him for never contacting her again. Going by what she wrote in all those texts sent seconds apart. I blocked her and changed my number. She wanted me to contact her and I had no desire to hear her side.

 

If this is something you feel you have to do then do it kindly and not in person. I would do it by email. Give her details of days you were together, places, etc.

[2sure]

Given that my X was a serial cheater I had to assume that he also cheated with many women I didn't find out about. And if them, a few at least knew his real name. I was always surprised that none ever contacted me.

 

At the time, if someone had told me, I wouldn't have cared how. He had driven me half mad with confusion and self doubt. A mime, hand signals, a secret note, anonymous call, vicious confrontation...anything would have been met with thanks.

 

Through the grapevine, over the last two years, I've been told of more. I would never be surprised to get a phone call.

[Goodbye]

Is it too mean to say I would have preferred to hear from OM when I read his obituary?

 

 

 

Uhm, ok...understandable. However, would you have preferred to not know anything about the affair or have been told by him in some fashion?

[Goodbye]

The OW is not someone I would have wanted to contact me at all. Yet she did a year and a half after d-day by text. He had told her it was over on dday that I knew everything. Which was true. Her contacting me just pissed me off...why contact me so long afterwards? Honestly I think she did it because she was pissed at him for never contacting her again. Going by what she wrote in all those texts sent seconds apart. I blocked her and changed my number. She wanted me to contact her and I had no desire to hear her side.

 

If this is something you feel you have to do then do it kindly and not in person. I would do it by email. Give her details of days you were together, places, etc.

 

 

OK, but you had a D Day in your situation. So that is different. I am asking if you knew nothing about your spouses affair, would you want to hear it from the OM/OW and if yes, how so?

[ChooseTruth]

The OMM didn't tell me initially, my WW did. But WW trickle truthed me pretty badly and some of that truth came from OM eventually.

 

He knew I was searching for the whole truth..and had lied when I had initially asked him for it. I had been trying to compare stories from him and WW.

 

When it came out that I had discovered the bulk of the truth, he broke down and volunteered the story of how it began from his viewpoint. I had emailed him to tell him that I knew their initial story was a lie and had proof otherwise. For me the story he then told is the real story my ex never had the courage to tell. He asked me not to use it against her, but it did cause kind of an explosion because I was so angry at what she had done and her continuing dishonesty.

 

I was appreciative of the OM for telling me what I needed to hear. Unfortunately(for him) later I ratted him out to his wife...but not before asking him to tell her himself. It's funny how he could tell me, but not his wife. I guess maybe he thought I already knew most of it anyway. He wasn't blaming when he did it, and didn't have an agenda to break us up. He actually expressed remorse at the trouble he had caused us. The affair was over at that point as far as I can tell.

 

I think however it is done, the BS deserves to know..but yeah the delivery should be in that spirit, not one of malice, revenge, or jealousy.

[harrybrown]

yes, I would want to hear by email and not by telephone, so that I had something in writing to show what she did. I would like his name, not just the fuzzy picture without his face. She still denies that the fuzzy picture is of her. The phone calls were lies and I would want the email to give me some details that she could not deny, or at least make it more difficult to deny. She denies to this day, and I do not have enough to pin her down on her lies. (she would never have an affair and do this to me, so she swears) So send some details or emails from him to you. I am still in the twilight zone.

[Goodbye]

Hey Goodbye,

I guess I wish that exOW would not have been cruel to me when she told me. That's all really as I Am grateful for the truth.

But ya, she could have been decent, at least to Me, I never did Anything to deserve her wrath.

 

 

 

CIH, yes I recall your story. I have no reason to be rude or mean to the BS. I've never met her. She seems like a decent woman and mother. Of course he made her out to be the W from hell, but I suspect that was all part of his big ol' rationalization.

[Goodbye]

yes, I would want to hear by email and not by telephone, so that I had something in writing to show what she did. I would like his name, not just the fuzzy picture without his face. She still denies that the fuzzy picture is of her. The phone calls were lies and I would want the email to give me some details that she could not deny, or at least make it more difficult to deny. She denies to this day, and I do not have enough to pin her down on her lies. (she would never have an affair and do this to me, so she swears) So send some details or emails from him to you. I am still in the twilight zone.

 

 

So a stranger, claiming to be the OM, sent you a fuzzy picture of a man with your wife?

[Betterthanthis13]

Is it too mean to say I would have preferred to hear from OM when I read his obituary?

 

I think I can understand where you are coming from, BUT... Not everyone understands or appreciates sarcasm, if that is what you intended. I am sure you don't actually wish the OM dead, but you might want to explain your feelings in more detail, given the format of this board as an advice forum. I'm sorry you are experiencing pain...

[eleanorrigby]

If I had to find out about the affair from the OW, I'd prefer it to come in an email or snail mail with her taking precautions to avoid it being intercepted.

 

I'd like her to give me all the info I need so that I could confront my husband as fully prepared for the gas lighting I'd be sure to get as possible.

 

I'd like her to list for me all the pertinent info I need, dates, times, and places. I would like to know if there was any strange or risky behavior engaged upon between the two of them.

 

If she loves him, I'd like to know, but a sentence would suffice. I wouldn't want to read a 3 page missive about their love story. If she didn't love him and it was all about sex or money or whatever, I'd like to know that as well. But again, I wouldn't appreciate a long story about it.

 

I'd like her to end the letter with a statement of her intentions with my husband. I'd like her to include in the letter if she's open to me contacting her with any additional questions I may have, I'd also like her to state if she's firmly against any further contact.

 

And, if she felt it and could give it without justifications and excuses and apology at the end would be nice.

[Goodbye]

If I had to find out about the affair from the OW, I'd prefer it to come in an email or snail mail with her taking precautions to avoid it being intercepted.

 

I'd like her to give me all the info I need so that I could confront my husband as fully prepared for the gas lighting I'd be sure to get as possible.

 

I'd like her to list for me all the pertinent info I need, dates, times, and places. I would like to know if there was any strange or risky behavior engaged upon between the two of them.

 

If she loves him, I'd like to know, but a sentence would suffice. I wouldn't want to read a 3 page missive about their love story. If she didn't love him and it was all about sex or money or whatever, I'd like to know that as well. But again, I wouldn't appreciate a long story about it.

 

I'd like her to end the letter with a statement of her intentions with my husband. I'd like her to include in the letter if she's open to me contacting her with any additional questions I may have, I'd also like her to state if she's firmly against any further contact.

 

And, if she felt it and could give it without justifications and excuses and apology at the end would be nice.

 

 

This was helpful, thanks. If I do contact her, I would do it via letter as I don't have her email and I don't want to speak with her unless she contacts me. Unfortunately, I'd need to send it to her work address as ExMM works from home and I believe he'd intercept anything remotely suspicious.

[whatatangledweb]

OK, but you had a D Day in your situation. So that is different. I am asking if you knew nothing about your spouses affair, would you want to hear it from the OM/OW and if yes, how so?

 

No, I would not want to hear from her.

[Spark1111]

I thought she must be like me....kind, smart rational.....

 

Yet six months after DDay, when I had finally decided to give reconciliation a chance, I called her three times to extend an olive branch and give her my numbers, work schedule, and times she could reach me.

 

I told her that I did not want to blind side her? Me? At a company event or while out with my female posse who are very protective of me. I told her let's bury it, nice and for all and move on.

 

She NEVER returned my phone call. So be it. in fact, she told her friends, her sibling that I was vicious and intent on harassing her.

 

Big MISTAKE. HE was standing next to me when I made the calls and nothing could be further from the truth. it was maybe the FIRST time he was forced to realize she was an exaggerator? Drama queen? Stretching the truth a bit much?

 

She should have just played it straight with me....If I call, return it...own your actions....stay calm, answer questions...and do not moan, cry or blameshift onto him, me, the world at large.

 

be an adult.....and act like one.

[Goodbye]

I thought she must be like me....kind, smart rational.....

 

Yet six months after DDay, when I had finally decided to give reconciliation a chance, I called her three times to extend an olive branch and give her my numbers, work schedule, and times she could reach me.

 

I told her that I did not want to blind side her? Me? At a company event or while out with my female posse who are very protective of me. I told her let's bury it, nice and for all and move on.

 

She NEVER returned my phone call. So be it. in fact, she told her friends, her sibling that I was vicious and intent on harassing her.

 

Big MISTAKE. HE was standing next to me when I made the calls and nothing could be further from the truth. it was maybe the FIRST time he was forced to realize she was an exaggerator? Drama queen? Stretching the truth a bit much?

 

She should have just played it straight with me....If I call, return it...own your actions....stay calm, answer questions...and do not moan, cry or blameshift onto him, me, the world at large.

 

be an adult.....and act like one.

 

 

So the question was...if you didn't know your spouse was involved in an affair, would you want to find out from the OW/OM? Are you talking about calling the OW months after the affair had ended and wanting to talk to her? Not sure I get that or why you desired to stretch the olive branch if you thought she was an exaggerator, drama queen who stretched the truth?

[Spark1111]

So the question was...if you didn't know your spouse was involved in an affair, would you want to find out from the OW/OM? Are you talking about calling the OW months after the affair had ended and wanting to talk to her? Not sure I get that or why you desired to stretch the olive branch if you thought she was an exaggerator, drama queen who stretched the truth?

 

didn't know what she was...just made the mistake of assuming she must be something like me....and was disillusioned to learn she was nothing at all like me.

 

I've stated this many, many times....I cared that someone, anyone, who knew told me the truth.

 

IF it happened to be the OW/OM....I would respect that. BUT they would have to supply some irrefutable proof.....emails, texts, dates and times, money spent on them that could be traced to a bank statement.

 

I know how unfair that is. Yet, the OW/OM have NO IDEA how quickly the WS wants to throw you under the bus and explain you into the cornfield, as in, we were just friends and she developed a crush on me and she just wouldn't stop calling me.

 

they will PULL out every stop to minimize, twist, omit and lie just to make it all disappear to keep the status quo intact.

 

I know that is hard to hear, but for many of us, it is true.

 

So, we want the truth. But PULLEAZE, back it up with lots of proof. And please back it up with confirmation....

 

We love the WS too....and are not sure who, and WHAT to believe.