Kelly15 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I wrote on here about my boyfriend last Nov when we were broke up, He was flirting with a co worker, doing drugs and was depressed. And I was feeling very hurt and disrespected. He got some help, fixed all the things that upset me and treated me amazing, up till recently. He's become really depressed, says there's no point in life and nothing makes him happy. Mopes everytime I see him. Has zero interested in me and is doing drugs again. While we were broke up, I made new friends and started doing my own thing. I went back because he made such an effort to fix himself for the first and I think a lot of it had to do with me. I really need some advice on what to do, he goes out with his friends two nights a week and does drugs and who knows what else. I told him that I feel insecure and disrespected and am very worried for him. He turns it around thats he wants to kill himself, hates his family and job. Has no happiness in life which really hurts my feelings as I try so hard to be there for him to the point of exhaustion. I suggested we break up since I feel I bring him no happiness, and he starts the guilt trips that I'm the only one who cares for and how he needs me there. Wants to be with me etc... but none of his recent actions show me any of that. I'm not happy and worst of all lacking faith in him to be there for me. He's very disrespectful when we go out, flirts with girls, acts like I'm not there... So I'm afaird if I leave him , I wont be able to be there when he needs someone and I'm the main person he talks to. I dont want to see him hurt/kill himself and hes talking about it more and more. He is seeing is Dr again. What should I do?
Philosoraptor Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 First, it's not your job to save him. He needs to do that for himself. You already see that he will be in this cycle unless he gets real help and sticks with it. The only thing you are doing right now is hurting yourself by sticking it out with him. Your happiness needs to be important too, and sadly he doesn't make that a priority whatsoever. He just put in a facade to get you back then fell back into the same cycle. He also plain disrespects you in many ways and expects you to just accept it. You should get away from this negative cycle and find someone who is willing to put in as much effort as you are. You seem like someone who is willing to work hard to make their partner happy, and there are many guys out there willing to do the exact same for you. 3
JessieJ08 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I think you already gave him a chance to make things right in your relationship since he went back into old habits you need to Let this guy go. He is obviously a liar and people who usually say they will kill themselves are just trying to control the persons decision to want to leave them. He is very selfish in the fact that he says he is not happy but yet he is guilt tripping you into staying with him This is SICK! I honestly dont know why you feel any type of guilt or worried about his life to the point of being unhappy. This guy is a destructive person and needs help but you cant do that for him so stop wasting your time putting up with his crap. The fact he fixed himself to get you back and went into old habits says a lot I dont think this guy would kill himself I think he is a liar and playing u for a fool to make you put up with his crap honestly He didn't kill himself the first time you broke up I doubt he will this time either. I hope you get away from this guy and find someone who would never put you thru not being able to make healthy choices that will make you happy Good Luck
sabre80 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 You did your due diligence in giving him a second chance. He proved he will not change. These are all serious red flags. Given his second chance he failed and has shown you this will be the pattern in the future. 1
Author Kelly15 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Molly and coke like twice a month, smokes weed like twice aweek. Drinks twice a week. I don't do any drugs at all but I do like to get out and have a few drinks.
Author Kelly15 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I know I can't save him, I just put in south time and he means so much to me. I guess I need to be strobger
Author Kelly15 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Thanks for all the replies, I love this guy so much and have been on and off with him for 7 years, I've been a fool and always been there for him so it might be hard on him when I suddenly cut him off. And I can deal with not being with him but him killing himself or hurting himself I can't handle the guilt. Thing is he didn't do it and the past but he has a gun now. Scares me really bad and he also cries a lot but when he's with his friends he's the life if the party the few times I'm invited. I'm not what is the right thing to do, I told him we need to talk, about to go in an hour How do I bring this up and what should I say? I don't want to make things worst.
Kofybean Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 ...He was flirting with a co worker, doing drugs and was depressed. And I was feeling very hurt and disrespected... This was actually helpful. I always wondered HOW in the WORLD guys like that even got gf's. There is so much dating advice for guys on what they need to do to better themselves to finally get someone to care about them and in reality it is all backward. Its guys like THIS that women in real life go for. you should write a dating blog to train men to be just like this guy so they can get someone to care about them too.
heartshaped Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I think the only way people get help for their problems is when they hit rock bottom. You aren't helping him in your current situation. If anything, you are enabling him. I don't think you need to be cruel, but you need to tell him that you cannot stay in a relationship with him while he is struggling with depression, doing drugs, etc. and is unwilling to seek any help. He needs serious help and that's not something he can do for you, but must be a life change he decides upon for himself. Also, I wouldn't worry about him hurting himself or committing suicide. Statistically speaking, people who commit suicide or self-harm do not declare they are going to do it before they do. If anything, saying he is going to hurt himself is a manipulation and attention grabbing tactic. Don't allow him to manipulate you.
Author Kelly15 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Kofybean We were friends for a year first and he was a complete gentleman, it wasnt till he got depressed that he turned into a different guy. I do notice that a lot of women enjoy hitting on a guy with a girlfriend, especially if the girlfriend is pretty. It's like take pride in it, shows their low morals and insecurity. The girl that was flirting with my boyfriend was a 35 yr old women, and when she heard I was his gf, she started flirting harder. It's sad but there's not a lot of good women out.
It's Just Me Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Kelly, clearly what you've been doing so far hasn't worked to fix the problem one iota. Give your head a shake. You cannot fix this. HE has to fix this. As one of my colleagues would say, "Welcome to the Not-My-Problem Awards!" Idle threats of killing himself are meant to manipulate you. He's not going to do that; it appears that drugs and partying are what really matter to him. Ask yourself one question: why am I willing to bend over backwards for someone who clearly has zero respect for me? Run, girl.
rbrock2323 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Wow, and guys like me can't even get a date... I would run and find someone who feels as strongly for you as you do for them. Good luck
Author Kelly15 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) you're probably right, I don't want to think that about someone I loved for years, I'm making excuses for him in my heart but my head knows better. All feels so confusing. I'm going to back off. I really believe he's depressed and that he loves me but I feel he doesnt respect me and I guess that's a very good reason to leave. Anyone been though this before... Any tips on how to get over it?? Edited September 11, 2013 by Kelly15
rbrock2323 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 The best way to get over it is to acknowledge that you can still have some sort of communication, and friendship, with this person as long as they respect the manner in which you want to keep the communication....for example, not sexual, not a relationship, etc. This way you can still care for the person, know they're going to be fine and watch them progress. If they keep regressing, and it gets to the point of causing you strife, then you just have to let it go. You can't live someone else's life for them. You can walk away knowing you did the right thing. What feels bad about losing someone is all of the "what if's" that never happened but you always dreamed would come true. Just understand that your life isn't over and dating is suppose to be fun and an adventure. There's always something new waiting to be discovered. Meeting someone and allowing them into your life as they allow you into theirs is fun. It lets you know you aren't alone in the world with the exception of the obvious people who love you unconditionally...parents, family, and close friends. Another thing that always bothered me was, what if I can't find someone else "like" that person. Don't be content with what you already had. Try something new. Expand your horizon and you might find something, or someone, exciting and enjoyable to be around. There's just sometimes when you're going to be alone, and as long as you're ok with hanging around yourself, you'll be fine.
sickpuppy Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I wrote on here about my boyfriend last Nov when we were broke up, He was flirting with a co worker, doing drugs and was depressed. And I was feeling very hurt and disrespected. He got some help, fixed all the things that upset me and treated me amazing, up till recently. He's become really depressed, says there's no point in life and nothing makes him happy. Mopes everytime I see him. Has zero interested in me and is doing drugs again. While we were broke up, I made new friends and started doing my own thing. I went back because he made such an effort to fix himself for the first and I think a lot of it had to do with me. I really need some advice on what to do, he goes out with his friends two nights a week and does drugs and who knows what else. I told him that I feel insecure and disrespected and am very worried for him. He turns it around thats he wants to kill himself, hates his family and job. Has no happiness in life which really hurts my feelings as I try so hard to be there for him to the point of exhaustion. I suggested we break up since I feel I bring him no happiness, and he starts the guilt trips that I'm the only one who cares for and how he needs me there. Wants to be with me etc... but none of his recent actions show me any of that. I'm not happy and worst of all lacking faith in him to be there for me. He's very disrespectful when we go out, flirts with girls, acts like I'm not there... So I'm afaird if I leave him , I wont be able to be there when he needs someone and I'm the main person he talks to. I dont want to see him hurt/kill himself and hes talking about it more and more. He is seeing is Dr again. What should I do? If you value yourself and your own sanity you'll simply up and leave. Forget the emotional manipulation of this guy. You think you're "special" in his eyes...But you aren't...Because this same guy will pull the same stuff on the next chick he dates. Are you responsible for grown mens actions? You'll end up as screwed up if not more if you stay with this guy any longer. I'd be OUT. I could care less if they threatened suicide. What..He'll try to pin his own cowardace on you? Please. That's weak sauce. Or you could stay and enjoy going insane.
Author Kelly15 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 I know I can find a good guy and one who will treat me right. I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE GIRLS WHO THINK ALL OR MOST GUYS ARE JERKS! I'm pretty successful, have goals, in school, very easy going, no kids and not a lot of baggage. I do some modeling on the side for extra money and get to meet all kinds of people and travel because of it. So I know I will people. I don't have a lot of girlfriends, I was home schooled and A little shy but been working on all that. It's just he was such a wonderful bf before, sweet, kind and loving. We could talk about anything and all night. Made me feel secure, safe and happy. He was my first REAL love. I'm just having a hard time walking away, I miss that guy he was. And I thought we had a special bond and now I'm realizing that I was nothing to him and have no value to him at all. I feel so hurt. And really don't want to accept it.
sickpuppy Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 you're probably right, I don't want to think that about someone I loved for years, I'm making excuses for him in my heart but my head knows better. All feels so confusing. I'm going to back off. I really believe he's depressed and that he loves me but I feel he doesnt respect me and I guess that's a very good reason to leave. Anyone been though this before... Any tips on how to get over it?? Here's a tip: You never know what much better person is out there for you if you decide to stay in an emotionally manipulative sick relationship. If you prefer simply "having" someone no matter how bad over being "alone" with the possiblity of in the future meeting a much better person for yourself and you for them...then stay.
sickpuppy Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 It's just he was such a wonderful bf before, sweet, kind and loving. We could talk about anything and all night. Made me feel secure, safe and happy. He was my first REAL love. So who says you'll NEVER have that with someone BETTER who ISN'T using drugs, won't threaten suicide, doesn't emotionally manipulate etc? 1
rbrock2323 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) I know I can find a good guy and one who will treat me right. I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE GIRLS WHO THINK ALL OR MOST GUYS ARE JERKS! I'm pretty successful, have goals, in school, very easy going, no kids and not a lot of baggage. I do some modeling on the side for extra money and get to meet all kinds of people and travel because of it. So I know I will people. I don't have a lot of girlfriends, I was home schooled and A little shy but been working on all that. It's just he was such a wonderful bf before, sweet, kind and loving. We could talk about anything and all night. Made me feel secure, safe and happy. He was my first REAL love. I'm just having a hard time walking away, I miss that guy he was. And I thought we had a special bond and now I'm realizing that I was nothing to him and have no value to him at all. I feel so hurt. And really don't want to accept it. Most relationships start off that way, and it's such a welcomed "shock" that it's easy to get infatuated with that particular person. It's almost always hard to walk away, those individual feelings towards another person is one of the things that makes you human. It's hard because you remember how good the feeling was before and you wish you could get it again. You can, with a different person, it's just a lot of effort to put back into a relationship to get to the point of feeling comfortable with exhibiting those feelings for one another. It will happen again. The deck is stacked in your favor. I wouldn't think of it as you have no value to him. I would think of it as he placed more value on his personal addiction rather than appreciating someone so caring, which is a rare trait these days it seems. Think of it more as you're placing enough value on yourself to go on your own way, without any direction, no foreseeable relationship in the near future, and a broken heart...but so much inner value that it eradicates any negative feelings from your current outlook on moving forward and give you the courage to do so, no matter how it turns out. It gives you an incredible personality trait to an already incredible individual. Edited September 11, 2013 by rbrock2323 1
Author Kelly15 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 he never said he would commit suicide if I left him, he just talks about it more and more... saying that me and his best friend are the only reason he doesnt. because we would be hurt and messed up by it. He said he had nothing in life that made him happy and that's when I realized I didnt matter to him. And he had no respect for how much I go out of my way for him. I talked to him today and I think he might be relieved if I leave him all tho he says no... and that I'm one of the few ppl who really cares about him and he never realized he was being disrespectful and was very sorry. You are right
rbrock2323 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 he never said he would commit suicide if I left him, he just talks about it more and more... saying that me and his best friend are the only reason he doesnt. because we would be hurt and messed up by it. He said he had nothing in life that made him happy and that's when I realized I didnt matter to him. And he had no respect for how much I go out of my way for him. I talked to him today and I think he might be relieved if I leave him all tho he says no... and that I'm one of the few ppl who really cares about him and he never realized he was being disrespectful and was very sorry. You are right He sounds like the same kind of guy that threatens to kick another guys ass but can't deliver... He's a drug addict. From what I gather, you're not. Addicts hit highs and lows...whether it's drugs, gambling, etc. When they're on a high, nothing matters except their choice of a stimulant. When they're on the low, they want anything and anyone around them to suffer in the same self pity they've got themselves into. You sound way too good for that. There are guys out there, one right here, who I can tell you have been through much worse and have always kept a positive outlook, tried to create a positive environment for those around them, and have gotten ahead by working hard for the dreams they believed in. This guy apparently believes in nothing. not you, not his friends, not even the drugs that are getting him high. Like I said, if you really care, you can always monitor and remain a friend, besides, a real friend would care, show sympathy, compassion, and aide a friend who's struggling. I know I would. But when that person starts to drag you down, gives you daily negative thoughts and makes you feel like less of a person than what you are, you need to leave. Some people just have to be left alone. Too many cooks spoil the soup. 1
Author Kelly15 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Thank you, rbrock2323 .YOU ARE 100% RIGHT. Thank you for your kind thoughts Everytime I try to do it, I just can't. This helps me so much with the what ifs. And he does cheer up when thought of drugs and his friends are around. And probably wants that thrill of chase with other women. He knows he has me and I'm Not going to play games with him after all these years. He has a good girl who really loves him and if he can let it go easily, why shouldnt I? So I have no choice but to be strong and respect myself, here I'm whining he doesnt respect me but I'm not respecting myself. Great eye opener! Thanks so much for the advice
Author Kelly15 Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 No I do drink lightly but never touched drugs in my life and never plan to, that's another thing, he asked why I dont ever roll with him (he knows my uncle died of drugs) and how I feel about it.
rbrock2323 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Thank you, rbrock2323 .YOU ARE 100% RIGHT. Thank you for your kind thoughts Everytime I try to do it, I just can't. This helps me so much with the what ifs. And he does cheer up when thought of drugs and his friends are around. And probably wants that thrill of chase with other women. He knows he has me and I'm Not going to play games with him after all these years. He has a good girl who really loves him and if he can let it go easily, why shouldnt I? So I have no choice but to be strong and respect myself, here I'm whining he doesnt respect me but I'm not respecting myself. Great eye opener! Thanks so much for the advice You're always welcome Let's look at it like this... You're concerned about the "negative what if's"... What about the positive? What if this frees up your time and you meet the guy you REALLY love and can't live without? What if he inflicts hidden feelings that surpass any feeling your previous BF gave you? What if your ex gets better, understands his mistakes, learns from them, and thanks you and goes on to make an improvement in the next persons life rather than try to destroy it? By staying hung up on the guy, and I don't mean that disrespectfully, you deny the opportunity for a great guy to meet an incredible woman and build a bond. Is there anything you do that makes you feel "whole"? As if, you feel 100% content with your life while doing that activity? I do a lot of things, as untrue as that may sound based off my first thread about my dating life....but one thing that I do that just erases any of my worries and makes me feel great is cruising down the highway in my '69 Charger with old motown on the radio... Something as simple as that. Speaking of motown....I dedicate this one especially for you:
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