Is it appropriate for my bf to react in this manner? Where do I draw the line?!

[confused8787]

I've posted on here a few times before about my struggling relationship. I have been with my bf for a bit over 2 years now. Things are very tough for my bf. He's in a very low place in the sense that nothing seems to be working in his favor much. He even sat down with me this weekend and let me know how stressed and pulled apart he was. He just felt like he was at a breaking point in his life, not our relationship. And he said added to all of that he wasn't having fun anymore with me because all I did was complain about him being too busy or too negligent. He confirmed what many people her have said, that he started focusing more on his car interests and hobby because it was his only escape, it didn't complain or nag and he could have feminine fun.

It hurt to hear this. I cried, I felt helpless. I feel like I nag because I need to fix our relationship, fix our issues etc. The more I bottle in, the more I will explode later. He didn't break up with me nor does he want to. He wants me to give him the space to focus on his life so he can get it back on track. He wants me to be happy that he has a hobby he can do 2x a week on set days. That hobby is attending car meets with random people and his cousins where they just talk about cars all night long from 11pm- 3am. His passion is cars, it will always be his number one passion and hobby aside from his professional goals (medicine). He said he wanted me to not make it such a big deal that he take time out for these meets. I said I didnt have a problem with it, that I was happy he was happy and I talked about a compromise with him:

During this difficult period for him, we both understand that we can not meet as often as we used to or that we would like. So, we set two days a week to have date nights, and one night where I would go to my hobby, he would go to the meet but at the end of the night he would come over to my place to sleep (even if I was already asleep by the time he got back around 3am). I also said, on my nights with him he should try to stick to schedule, focus on us. He should check his temper and tantrums at the door and I would check my nagging and complaining so we could have fun. I also said, maybe on occasion I could join him at the meets (not every week, but randomly) where I could just sit in the car, read a book while he went out and talked with his friends, I would not get in the way of his element while at the meets.

All of this seems fine ... but at the end of our weekend we ended up in another fight right when he was about to leave back home. I take fault for it. He had just woken up from a nap, was getting ready to leave and I sort of accused him of lying to me. Not directly, and in a playful way. I knew there was a meet in the evening and I asked him why he didnt tell me he was going ... he said he didnt even know about it. But now that he did, he might go. I said, come on ... how could you not know about it? About 1000 + people were going! He got REALLY UPSET. He said I was making assumptions, jumping to conclusions and that he has always told me about the meets, why would he hide tonights?? I told him I didnt mean anything by it, I just honestly thought he knew about it ... he wasnt willing to listen, he was really angry, he told me to get out of the way, he wanted to go home. I said, no, just calm down, lets fix this before you leave. He didnt want to .. he told me to shut the fk up, he hit his fist into his palm and said he was tired of me bringing things up and assuming things, he didnt want to talk to me. He just walked out really angrily.

I take full blame. I approached it incorrectly, I know it. But his behavior scared me. His cursing hurt me. I have not talked to him since last evening, I am giving him space to cool off. So what is the purpose of my post?? Not to understand what I did wrong but to understand if I should be tolerating his temper tantrums, his anger issues. He would never hurt me, he has never touched me. But the yelling and cursing are emotionally draining. How do I show him that this is not an acceptable response? He always says that he grew up yelling and cursing in his family, thats how they argue and deal with things. I grew up in a very very stable household, we would fight but there was no yelling or anything.

[pteromom]

How do I show him that this is not an acceptable response? He always says that he grew up yelling and cursing in his family, thats how they argue and deal with things. I grew up in a very very stable household, we would fight but there was no yelling or anything.

 

You can't. This is what he knows, and this is what he does. If he denies there is an issue and doesn't want to change, there is nothing you can do. If you want him, the cursing and yelling comes with him.

 

As far as the rest of this post, you do come across as somewhat clingy. It would be annoying to know that every time he is out, you are wishing he was with you instead. It's like there's always that invisible chain. But that doesn't give him the right to yell and curse at you.

 

It sounds to me like you guys aren't very compatible - both in what constitutes a successful relationship, and in communication style.

[Grumpybutfun]

He didnt want to .. he told me to shut the fk up, he hit his fist into his palm and said he was tired of me bringing things up and assuming things, he didnt want to talk to me. He just walked out really angrily.

.

 

Confused:

You know my thoughts on your behavior (nagging and micromanaging) but his escalating anger and verbal abuse is not okay. I think it is safe to say that you two are not a good fit. His behavior of not keeping scheduled dates, wanting to be without you only escalates your micromanaging and nagging. Since you discussed this and the behavior has already broken down your affection, you may want to break up and move on. It is headed that way anyhow.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I tried very hard to try to talk you through how to get this back on track with your other thread and it seems the resentment he has for you has turned him into a shell of the person you dated before. It has also turned you into a insecure, pleading, crazy woman.

This is both of your faults...a vicious cycle that will not end. He breaks his word, is not straight with you because you micromanage and nag him so he breaks his word, would rather be away from you so you get insecure and nags and micromanages him so he curses at you and becomes angry and feels trapped so you nag and micromanage him...on and on and on.

Love should never be this hard, or so drama laden. My guess is that you are both holding on for the relationship you once had, but is now over.

Good luck,

Grumps

[confused8787]

You can't. This is what he knows, and this is what he does. If he denies there is an issue and doesn't want to change, there is nothing you can do. If you want him, the cursing and yelling comes with him.

 

As far as the rest of this post, you do come across as somewhat clingy. It would be annoying to know that every time he is out, you are wishing he was with you instead. It's like there's always that invisible chain. But that doesn't give him the right to yell and curse at you.

 

It sounds to me like you guys aren't very compatible - both in what constitutes a successful relationship, and in communication style.

 

Thanks pteromom. He is only like this when something triggers him to get irritated or angry. Most other times when we have an issue, he is willing to sit down and talk it out calmly. He listens to all my complaints (they are excessive, something I am working on). Moreover, he was never previously like this. I dont know if it is a result of his personal issues. Part of the problem yest was he had just woken up ... he has told me repeatedly never to bring anything up as soon as he wakes up -- he is extremely crabby. Also, if he is really tired he is in no mood to talk about serious things either. Maybe I have bad timing, honestly I am kind of lost, helpless as to how to fix this.

[confused8787]

Confused:

You know my thoughts on your behavior (nagging and micromanaging) but his escalating anger and verbal abuse is not okay. I think it is safe to say that you two are not a good fit. His behavior of not keeping scheduled dates, wanting to be without you only escalates your micromanaging and nagging. Since you discussed this and the behavior has already broken down your affection, you may want to break up and move on. It is headed that way anyhow.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I tried very hard to try to talk you through how to get this back on track with your other thread and it seems the resentment he has for you has turned him into a shell of the person you dated before. It has also turned you into a insecure, pleading, crazy woman.

This is both of your faults...a vicious cycle that will not end. He breaks his word, is not straight with you because you micromanage and nag him so he breaks his word, would rather be away from you so you get insecure and nags and micromanages him so he curses at you and becomes angry and feels trapped so you nag and micromanage him...on and on and on.

Love should never be this hard, or so drama laden. My guess is that you are both holding on for the relationship you once had, but is now over.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

I know grumps, he and I both want our old relationship back. I see the vicious cycle I am stuck in. I just dont know how to break it. I KEEP DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER. I want to tape my mouth shut almost. Especially after this weekend .. he came to me to talk. He pleaded with me to be more understanding. He was willing to set days with me and make it work until he got back on his feet. Yet I went and ruined the weekend we had (it was a pretty good one too up until that!).

 

When he came over to talk it looked like he had cried ... eyes were puffy and red.

 

I can only change myself and I seem to be having such a hard time doing so. Maybe I need time away to fix me. No one would want to deal with me anywyas, him or any other guy.

[pteromom]

I know grumps, he and I both want our old relationship back. I see the vicious cycle I am stuck in. I just dont know how to break it. I KEEP DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER. I want to tape my mouth shut almost. Especially after this weekend .. he came to me to talk. He pleaded with me to be more understanding. He was willing to set days with me and make it work until he got back on his feet. Yet I went and ruined the weekend we had (it was a pretty good one too up until that!).

 

I dunno. It seems like you are in a no-win situation. You can't talk to him when he's tired. When he wakes up. If he's grumpy. It puts you in a place where you have to constantly bite your tongue and walk on eggshells.

 

 

I can only change myself and I seem to be having such a hard time doing so. Maybe I need time away to fix me. No one would want to deal with me anywyas, him or any other guy.

 

If you want to change yourself, you can do it. It's hard work but you can do it. But make sure you are doing it because you WANT to do it for yourself, and not out of fear that he will leave or you'll be alone. Because you have to be true to who you are first and foremost.

 

And I'll say that although you would be clingy for me, there are plenty of people who love immersing themselves in their partner and doing that "two become one" thing. Your boyfriend isn't like that. But it isn't WRONG if you are. This is why I said you seem incompatible.

 

That nobody would want to deal with you just isn't true. Be kind to yourself. You wouldn't say that to your best friend, so don't say it to yourself. You are worthy and deserving of love.

[Grumpybutfun]

Confused:

Correct. Changing your coping and managing behavior is the only way to have a healthy relationship, unless you find someone who likes to be controlled and micromanaged. Have you considered that perhaps your behavior is altered by something in your past? Maybe a distant father, abandoned by a friend, or child abuse. The reason I ask is that you seem to understand that you are behaving in the least effective way possible, but you seem to be unable to modify that behavior due to some deep insecurity and self-esteem issues. Please feel free to disregard if you feel uncomfortable with the question.

Concerned,

Grumps

Edited September 9, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[confused8787]

Confused:

Correct. Changing your coping and managing behavior is the only way to have a healthy relationship, unless you find someone who likes to be controlled and micromanaged. Have you considered that perhaps your behavior is altered by something in your past? Maybe a distant father, abandoned by a friend, or child abuse. The reason I ask is that you seem to understand that you are behaving in the least effective way possible, but you seem to be unable to modify that behavior due to some deep insecurity and self-esteem issues. Please feel free to disregard if you feel uncomfortable with the question.

Concerned,

Grumps

 

Funny you shd ask that. I grew up with a distant dad. He is a workaholic and my mom stayed at home. She showered her affection on us and everything revolved around her kids. She never did anything for herself. My dad still doesn't give her the time of day and it has always bothered me. My dad and I hv a formal relationship unlike he and my sister who are much closer, they actually hug eachother. I don't remember when I last hugged my dad. We both feel uncomfortable doing so.

Regarding friends ... I made a different best friend in 6th, 7th, 9th, 10th and 11th grades. Each of those best friends lasted one year. They all moved away to diff countries or ended up changing social groups. After college I moved away and the people who put the effort to keep in touch with me I still remain in contact with. Everyone else has been forgotten.

So yes, I have attachment issues. Severe ones. I have a therapist whom I see 2x a week. And honestly that is prob why every relationship I had before my current bf I ended within 3-6 months. I was scared of getting attached. Now I am attached to this guy and a bit too much for my liking.

Pteromom -- I know I can find a clingy guy similar to me. but I don't want that. I realized it over the last few months. It's incredibly unhealthy. What if a serious tragic accident took one of us away from the other?? A clingy couple would never survive that let alone how it might affect a normal well balanced couple! I really want to stop craving attachemnt and become my own person. I know it seems like my bf isn't like that. But he used to be! Up until this past June. Our first two years we were wrapped up in eachother. I guess things change. Situations change. And that detachment and space he has been looking for triggered my claws into action. I latched on harder. Fearing I would lose yet another best friend.

[confused8787]

I have not yet heard back from my bf since he left yesterday. I have been silent on the communication as well.

 

I am not really sure what to do. Who breaks the silence, who takes the first step?

 

I am having mild panic attacks thinking about it, and I am trying to get my mind off of everything. But I honestly feel like I am about to collapse (mentally, not physically).

Edited September 10, 2013 by confused8787

[Grumpybutfun]

Confused:

It is perfectly understandable that you are anxious right now. Take some deep breaths and remember that when you tried to force the issues the last time, it ended very poorly. I would wait for him to contact you after he has calmed down. You do have abandonment, neglect and attachment issues, confused. That means that you have to really dissect your actions when you are dealing with your boyfriend. Otherwise you are going to overreact and transfer feelings of low self-worth and fear onto everything he does.

I would make this the next point of therapy when I went to see my T.

In the meantime, distract yourself with friends and hobbies. Try to journal some of your fears and ask yourself what you can do to help yourself feel safe and secure in this relationship. If you cannot modify your micromanaging and nagging, you are going to have this situation repeated.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Deep breaths and wait for him to come to you. He needs space.

[Adele0908]

Don't try to "fix" the relationship or "fix" the issues.

 

How can you possibly do that? You have human male as a partner, not a robot.

 

You can't reprogram the guy or the relationship.

 

The only thing you have control over is YOU. So if you want the relationship to change, you have to work on YOU. Not him.

 

You could decide to leave him, or if you wanted to stay, you could decide to be patient and to give him the space he asked for. That means you would have to control your nagging. You would have to respect HIS needs. You would have to be able to allow him his freedom.

 

He may not want you to come to his car meets, because that's where he goes to de-stress with his male friends. You would have to put yourself in HIS shoes. What if he wanted to come to the nail salon with you? Or what if he wanted to crash your girls' night out at the club or wherever.

 

As for the fight that happened, it seems like you wouldn't let the issue die. You kind of kept on about it, and he didn't want to talk about it. Finally he blew a fuse.

 

I think at the heart of this, you just want more attention from him, though you're going about it in the wrong way. It seems you have strong feelings for him...love and matters of the heart makes everyone insecure. It's scary, because you know that this man has your heart and he could hurt you. So you start trying to fit the relationship into your concept of what it should be. You try to control it because love makes you feel out of control. You try to keep him close out of fear of losing him. But the controlling behavior can push your partner away and cause unnecessary anxiety. You are panicking because it's out of your hands now. You have no control. You might be panicking because you are scared to feel those feelings of loss. At this stage (which I have been at myself), I would just let the emotions and feelings come. Cry if you feel like crying.

 

I don't think your issues are any worse than anyone else. Almost everyone alive has insecurity, abandonment issues, and low self esteem to some degree.

 

Just remember that relationships are mirrors, showing you the things about yourself that you need to work on.

Edited September 10, 2013 by Adele0908

[confused8787]

Thanks guys, I followed your advice. I waited for him to contact me. He called me last night and he asked to come over. He has even planned out our evening tonight. Regarding our fight, I simply apologized for making the accusation I did, let him know that he scared me a bit in his physical response of hitting the wall, and I let the issue go, I did not harp on it.

 

We had a pretty good night ... I tried to calm down any feelings or the need to talk by reading a book which helped. I also re-read your posts.

 

The abandonment, neglect issues I have ... should I let my bf know about it? He is a very intuitive guy, so he probably already guessed it, but do I need to explain to him what I am going through? And if so, what response should or could I expect from him, if any?

 

On the same note ... you all know what he is going through and the stress levels/depression he is in. Generally, would this affect our intimacy as well? That is, would our intimacy slow down? Or is it normal for it to slow down after 2 years? (By slow I mean 1x a week -- it used to be 2-3x a week). I dont want to push it because I complain a lot already lol and the point of all this is for me to stop that. So any insight on that would help. Often times what happens is he is so sore physically after working all day and he sometimes even has cuts/burns from work, that he is in no shape to get intimate ...

[PlumPrincess]

that he started focusing more on his car interests and hobby because it was his only escape, it didn't complain or nag and he could have feminine fun.

 

I also said, maybe on occasion I could join him at the meets (not every week, but randomly) where I could just sit in the car, read a book while he went out and talked with his friends, I would not get in the way of his element while at the meets.

If you suggested that in serious, then I understand where your boyfriend is coming from. He wants SPACE and you just don't get it.

 

And playful accusations? Stop making this kind of jokes. They are not fun, no matter how fun you think they are.

 

His temper tantrums are not ok and you need to set clear borders. But before you concentrate so much on changing him, take a look at yourself and how you can improve. I know relationship like yours, and while I think the man's behavior is way out of line, I also think the woman needs to stop playing the victim.