She keeps in touch with a few exes

[Babolat]

For those that care, I am the kind of person that processes information and thoughts, over time. This post is an excellent example of "who I am" and "how I think".

 

Some call me out, which is good, I need that and I like that, saying "you do this too". Hearing that helps me process, helps me realize some things. For example, I mentioned if I were to date this girl her keeping in touch with a sex addict ex would bother me, yet while me still being single I am in contact with my ex. Great point. Makes sense.

 

What I realized from reading the Comments here is it's not so much her keeping in touch with an ex, or exes, it's really about them doing something together that her and I enjoy doing together: biking. Up until her going biking with him recentlky I never gave her keeping in contact with exes a 2nd thought.

 

And, I don't like that I feel this way, that if I were to get into a LTR with someone, who did xyz with an ex, and her and I ejoyed doing xyz together, it may bother me. It's somethign I am processing, and the comments here helped me.

 

So, I realize how I come across sometimes, but the comments here really do help me process, and I aprreciate almost all of them!

[hotpotato]

I'm friends with my ex, and we have been for years. He lives far away so we can only talk or text. That in itself didn't cause relationship problems.

 

The problem comes in where you start feeling inadequate because she keeps bringin them up. Bringing up exes on a regular basis is never good if you want to maintain or get into a relationship.

 

Have you told her how you feel?

[RedRobin]

For those that care, I am the kind of person that processes information and thoughts, over time. This post is an excellent example of "who I am" and "how I think".

 

Some call me out, which is good, I need that and I like that, saying "you do this too". Hearing that helps me process, helps me realize some things. For example, I mentioned if I were to date this girl her keeping in touch with a sex addict ex would bother me, yet while me still being single I am in contact with my ex. Great point. Makes sense.

 

What I realized from reading the Comments here is it's not so much her keeping in touch with an ex, or exes, it's really about them doing something together that her and I enjoy doing together: biking. Up until her going biking with him recentlky I never gave her keeping in contact with exes a 2nd thought.

 

And, I don't like that I feel this way, that if I were to get into a LTR with someone, who did xyz with an ex, and her and I ejoyed doing xyz together, it may bother me. It's somethign I am processing, and the comments here helped me.

 

So, I realize how I come across sometimes, but the comments here really do help me process, and I aprreciate almost all of them!

 

You make a good point about where you draw the line...

 

If she is getting certain needs met by her exes that YOU can be meeting (as a partner), then yes, I wouldn't like that either. But you aren't a partner or even dating her, so the rules are different.

 

In those situations, I'd have to insist on being present at the least for those activities.

 

If the time spent with exes impinges on the time she spent with you (as a partner.... not as a friend considering her as a partner... keep this in mind) then that would be a problem for me also.

 

It is important that if you do decide to date her that you both agree on what is or is not acceptable behavior while in a relationship.

[CarrieT]

I am on friendly terms with several exes. So it is normal for me. And I would not take kindly to someone telling me to axe my friendships, so if I was single, a relationship with someone who has issues with this wouldn't be for me.

^^^^ THIS ^^^^

 

I am also friends with most of my Ex's and every single one of them knows I am now engaged. It has not diminished the friendships and - in some cases - my fiance and my Ex's have met and we've all gone to dinner together.

 

If the matter is that you can't trust this girl, then you shouldn't be with her. My fiance trusts me because he knows me, plus he has met the Ex's and seen us all interact and knows there is nothing left there of any romantic inclination.

[Babolat]

Have you told her how you feel?

 

I agree with your comments.

 

No, I have not, as were are just friends. And, my guess is, as friends, she feels comfortable sharing this info with me, as I will do the same. We talk about relationships in general, how we think, our views, etc.

 

I found it interesting last weekend we were at a festival together, she mentioned an ex she has mentioned many times before (comments like "this guy I use to date...."). She said he had texted her to remind her of an event he hosts every years She said in his text he said "I was thinking about you and want you to know....". She immediately said "Babolot, we only text each other every 3-4 months to catch up".

 

I have never said anything to her when she talks about her exes; I just listen, so I don't know why she felt like she had to say that.

[Babolat]

You make a good point about where you draw the line...

 

If she is getting certain needs met by her exes that YOU can be meeting (as a partner), then yes, I wouldn't like that either. But you aren't a partner or even dating her, so the rules are different.

 

In those situations, I'd have to insist on being present at the least for those activities.

 

If the time spent with exes impinges on the time she spent with you (as a partner.... not as a friend considering her as a partner... keep this in mind) then that would be a problem for me also.

 

It is important that if you do decide to date her that you both agree on what is or is not acceptable behavior while in a relationship.

 

Exactly, well said.

 

And, I should point out, she invited me to go biking first on that day, I was not available. I forgot about that until today. My guess is she later mentioned wanting to bike to him, he said lets go or I am already going, join me.

 

And yes, she is single, so this does not matter. I am processing dating scenerios here.

[Babolat]

 

I do trust this girl. As a friend, a good friend, and yeah, if we were dating i would trust her too. It's more about what RedRobin said in her last post.

[KathyM]

It's not normal behavior to have a string of exes that she is still seeing. It shows that she can't make a clean break with a guy, and keeps them around for a continuous supply of external validation. She's like this because she never had a father figure, so she never got the validation she needed from a man as a child, so she is making up for it now as an adult by keeping these men on a string to give her a continuous supply of validation. I know three people personally who are like this, who are not able to let go of a relationship, but keep the ex strung along for validation purposes. What they all have in common are that they either had no father figure growing up, or they had an abusive one, so they never got the validation they needed as a child, so they try to make up for it as an adult by keeping these exes in their life or these orbiters to give them a continuous supply of validation. Of course, it makes for a difficult primary relationship when these others are in the picture who have or had romantic feelings for the person.

[RedRobin]

Regarding 'validation' and attention from the opposite sex.

 

I believe Carhill summed it up well.

 

Most here know that I work around all men. I also have a number of hobbies that most women don't do or enjoy... and I've yet to meet a man who shares all of even my 'male' type interests. So yes, I have male friends... a couple of them exes... who I share interests with. NOT romantic!

 

That said, I also have a number of female friends. My friend pool is very happily balanced. I'm quite blessed!!

 

While it is and should be a concern when you are getting to know someone, I think the dividing line should be

 

a) respect for the primary relationship and your partner's needs (it goes both ways)

 

b) the reasons why they interact with the exes or any other person of the opposite sex. What needs are being met? Are they needs you could be meeting and can't or won't?

 

c) how much does this friendship (or really, any exterior relationship) impinge on the healthy development of your primary relationship.

 

I will say that I've come across women friends (had I stayed around them) who are much more toxic to my relationship than any of my male friends.

 

Genuine friendship shouldn't be differentiated by gender.

 

More experienced people learn what is and is not genuine friendship and are not fooled by the poseurs or manipulators who try to insert themselves into your relationship in some way that is not healthy.... no matter what 'package' they come in.