Babolat Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) I have a good female friend, who, I am starting to become attracted to. The cool part about knowing her for 6+ months as a friend is she shares a lot with me and I have gotten to know her "without the relationship" stuff. She has had a lot of LTRs. That does not bother me. What kind of bothers me, but only should we ever date, is she keeps in touch with a lot of them. For example, one ex was a diagnosed sex addict. They share a dog together from the relationship, they will go for walks, and they also ride bikes together. He is in a LTR now and admits he is still a sex addict. Another ex likes to text her once a month to check in on her, see how she is doing. A recent ex texted her last week to say he was sorry, all the make up stuff, could he see her. She states she did not reply. Another ex will text her for dating advise and remind her how much he still likes her, though he is married and divorced now since they broke up. I think this is one of the reasons I am not letting myself get that much closer to her. She never met her dad, he died before she was born. Mom never really dated or remarried; so I am sure there is some psychological stuff going on there with male attention. I have no idea if she solicits the interactions. This weekend, when in a group of friends, who all knew one of her exes, me included, someone ask if she kept in touch with him. She said "it was every couple of weeks, now it's once a month" She shares all of this with me; and I am wondering if it's a way to test me, to see if I am ok with it should we ever date. One of her last bfs was not. I count 5 I remember, there could be more, that she keeps in touch with. Ladies of LS, normal behavior? Edited September 9, 2013 by Babolat
mammasita Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I don't know that it's "normal" because everyone is different. For me though, I don't find it acceptable to keep in contact with exes in most cases, kids excluded of course, when in a relationship. Since she is single (right?), she can do whatever the hell she wants. 2
Author Babolat Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Since she is single (right?), she can do whatever the hell she wants. Agreed 100%. And she has told me, that when she is in a LTR she will let her exes know this, that they cannot contact her as much, or like they use to. I am no way shape or form ready to emotionally date somone. I am simply asking out of curiosity and, I am starting to look at her a little different so maybe at some point in the future, who knows.
mammasita Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Agreed 100%. And she has told me, that when she is in a LTR she will let her exes know this, that they cannot contact her as much, or like they use to. I am no way shape or form ready to emotionally date somone. I am simply asking out of curiosity and, I am starting to look at her a little different so maybe at some point in the future, who knows. She sees eye to eye with me, so that's good then
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 oh, I dont know about all this... these sound like red flags to me. I am all too familiar with the "sex addict" diagnosis as of late. (It is not a real diagnosis, by the way, sex addicion is not included as an option in the DSM book for psychiatrists) But the set of behaviors it means to describe is horrifying, and why she would want to keep someone like that in her life is questionable at best. I have been struggling to detach from this last relationship, as I have outlined painfully over the last few months on LS, but you can mark my words that once I am fully detached and healed, I will not have this person in my life anymore. No freaking way. Are you friends with all of your ex's? I'm not. I'm friendly to the point that I don't dislike them or harbor any resentments from years ago, and if one of them called me with a major life update I would be genuinely happy for them. But why keep ex's in your life with regular interaction like this? What could possibly be the purpose? Im actually curious now. Anything that requires a lot of explanation is usually not good. It either makes sense or it doesnt. OTOH, she is single, and can talk to whoever she wants.... if her MO is to have close contact with ex's while single and then stop contact when she gets a new boyfriend, then thats her way of doing things I guess... it just seems kind of silly to me. 1
Author Babolat Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) oh, I dont know about all this... these sound like red flags to me. I am all too familiar with the "sex addict" diagnosis as of late. (It is not a real diagnosis, by the way, sex addicion is not included as an option in the DSM book for psychiatrists) But the set of behaviors it means to describe is horrifying, and why she would want to keep someone like that in her life is questionable at best. I have been struggling to detach from this last relationship, as I have outlined painfully over the last few months on LS, but you can mark my words that once I am fully detached and healed, I will not have this person in my life anymore. No freaking way. Are you friends with all of your ex's? I'm not. I'm friendly to the point that I don't dislike them or harbor any resentments from years ago, and if one of them called me with a major life update I would be genuinely happy for them. But why keep ex's in your life with regular interaction like this? What could possibly be the purpose? Im actually curious now. Anything that requires a lot of explanation is usually not good. It either makes sense or it doesnt. OTOH, she is single, and can talk to whoever she wants.... if her MO is to have close contact with ex's while single and then stop contact when she gets a new boyfriend, then thats her way of doing things I guess... it just seems kind of silly to me. All good points, and good questions. No, I am not friends with any of my exes. I have not seen my ex-wife since our last mediation meeting over 2.5 years ago and have NO desire to see her again. Though, I will retract, I was married at 22, divorced at 24, she remarried right away, has 4 kids, a great marriage from what I can tell, and we do occassionally electronically chat. In fact, when I was going thru my 2nd divorce she was one of my biggest supporters and was a great listener, all over email though. She found me right before my marriage ended. Emailed me to catch up. I asked my then wife at the time if it was ok with her if I replied and she said she had no problems with it. I bumped into her for the first time since she moved out 25 years ago a few weeks ago, and we talked for a bit, exchanged a few emails, then the convo stopped. Right now I don't feel like it's any of my business, though I do wonder why she keeps in contact with the sex addict dude. She says it's because of the dog, though they go biking together, and take walks together with the dog. I do think she is the type that likes to give advice, and probably enjoys trying to help these exes with their current life situations. She is always asking me about me ex gf, where we are, where we stand, have I heard from her, etc. She also said it took her a very long time and no contact before she could get to this point with the sex addict dude. Edited September 9, 2013 by Babolat
todreaminblue Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 i keep in contact with my exes ......if i didnt have children to them it might be different but its not different......it is how it is ...i dont sleep with either of them...or do outings with them......deb 1
Author Babolat Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 What's odd, is when she mentions them to me she will saying something afterwards like "We only text once in a while to catch up" or "he is a friend now", almost defensive without me sayinjg a word, and I have never said a word. Sometimes I joke with her and say "which one is that again" when she is talking about one.
pteromom Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I am on friendly terms with several exes. So it is normal for me. And I would not take kindly to someone telling me to axe my friendships, so if I was single, a relationship with someone who has issues with this wouldn't be for me. So I think a relationship with this girl would cause a lot of stress for you, and I think you are smart to recognize that and not get closer to her. If you change your mind and decide to date her, you are choosing to accept her as she is, friendships and all. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) What's odd, is when she mentions them to me she will saying something afterwards like "We only text once in a while to catch up" or "he is a friend now", almost defensive without me sayinjg a word, and I have never said a word. Sometimes I joke with her and say "which one is that again" when she is talking about one. i have heard this from a friend of mine......its actually hurtful.i didnt let her know that but yes she hurt me.....and i forgive her......makes me feel like i am to blame that i had cheating partners...and am no longer putting up with the violence the abuse or the cheating...i have had two exes since i was a teen.......i was with a guy for fifteen years and the one before three years they cheated not me they abused not me they were violent not me...would still be with the last one and enduring on had he not walked away...and yeah i am friends with both so i think its pretty unfair to be judgemental on a woman you really dont know all that well......everyone makes mistakes...and sometimes relationships fail ..i dont think "which one is that again" is funny at all .....it isnt actually a nice thing to say in all honesty, it probably isnt intended to be nice is it...a point is being made that doesnt need to be to make someone take note...they are being laughed at..am i defensive ....yes ...why....because it makes me feel like crap when people think my love life is a joke....it isnt a joke to me it was heartbreaking.also has no bearing whatsoever on my ability to eb a faithful and loving partner...i always have been............just a thought when you find a woman who might have more than one partner in the past...dont judge and find humor in pain....she may talk about it...doesnt mean it doesnt hurt...that causes defensive behavior or awkward oh we are friends now sort of maybe conversation because she feels badly.......deb Edited September 9, 2013 by todreaminblue
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I am on friendly terms with several exes. So it is normal for me. And I would not take kindly to someone telling me to axe my friendships, so if I was single, a relationship with someone who has issues with this wouldn't be for me. So I think a relationship with this girl would cause a lot of stress for you, and I think you are smart to recognize that and not get closer to her. If you change your mind and decide to date her, you are choosing to accept her as she is, friendships and all. I have a friend who is so friendly with an ex boyfriend that he is a mainstay at thanksgiving dinner, and other major events, along with her husband and kids, and extended family. This is all good with everyone involved and they are all friends. So I'm not saying it is right or wrong either way. It's been that way for a good 15 years. That works for them. I don't see any problem with it. I've been to thanksgiving at her house and it wasn't strange or awkward in the least. My friend in question's ex, is also not a "sex addict", with whom she shares custody of a dog. I'm guessing yours aren't either. It seems like there should be a line drawn between someone being offended that a potential SO would question appropriate friendships with ex's, and bizarre ones, whether a person feels their personal preference is to keep in contact with ex's or not. Am I wrong? 2
Divasu Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 It seems a bit excessive. Now, aren't you still in touch with your most recent ex? Why is it not okay for others to do certain things that you yourself do? You're kinda losing credibility here... I guess observe her interactions when you're out as friends, how she acts around other men, etc.
todreaminblue Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I have a friend who is so friendly with an ex boyfriend that he is a mainstay at thanksgiving dinner, and other major events, along with her husband and kids, and extended family. This is all good with everyone involved and they are all friends. So I'm not saying it is right or wrong either way. It's been that way for a good 15 years. That works for them. I don't see any problem with it. I've been to thanksgiving at her house and it wasn't strange or awkward in the least. My friend in question's ex, is also not a "sex addict", with whom she shares custody of a dog. I'm guessing yours aren't either. It seems like there should be a line drawn between someone being offended that a potential SO would question appropriate friendships with ex's, and bizarre ones, whether a person feels their personal preference is to keep in contact with ex's or not. Am I wrong? no you are not wrong you are spot on, every word.....deb
Author Babolat Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 It seems a bit excessive. Now, aren't you still in touch with your most recent ex? Why is it not okay for others to do certain things that you yourself do? You're kinda losing credibility here... I guess observe her interactions when you're out as friends, how she acts around other men, etc. I am just curious with this post, not looking to date my female friend any time soon. Kind of part of my processing for the future, figuring myself out. And, I am not dating someone AND keeping in contact with my ex. I am not judging her either, I like her a lot as a friend, we have a lot of fun together and I think she is a wonderful person. todreaminblue, regarding your comment "which one is that again" is funny at all " comment, it's kind of a running thing between us because she HAS BEEN in a lot of relationships and I lose track of all the men she references. She laughs too. I do not say this to be mean or hurtful, and I may have said it 2 times in 6 months. I say the same to one of male buddies who has dated a lot.
Author Babolat Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 i have heard this from a friend of mine......its actually hurtful.i didnt let her know that but yes she hurt me.....and i forgive her......makes me feel like i am to blame that i had cheating partners...and am no longer putting up with the violence the abuse or the cheating...i have had two exes since i was a teen.......i was with a guy for fifteen years and the one before three years they cheated not me they abused not me they were violent not me...would still be with the last one and enduring on had he not walked away...and yeah i am friends with both so i think its pretty unfair to be judgemental on a woman you really dont know all that well......everyone makes mistakes...and sometimes relationships fail ..i dont think "which one is that again" is funny at all .....it isnt actually a nice thing to say in all honesty, it probably isnt intended to be nice is it...a point is being made that doesnt need to be to make someone take note...they are being laughed at..am i defensive ....yes ...why....because it makes me feel like crap when people think my love life is a joke....it isnt a joke to me it was heartbreaking.also has no bearing whatsoever on my ability to eb a faithful and loving partner...i always have been............just a thought when you find a woman who might have more than one partner in the past...dont judge and find humor in pain....she may talk about it...doesnt mean it doesnt hurt...that causes defensive behavior or awkward oh we are friends now sort of maybe conversation because she feels badly.......deb Thank you for the feedback, and I understand your points. This is not the case with us though.
Divasu Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I am just curious with this post, not looking to date my female friend any time soon. Kind of part of my processing for the future, figuring myself out. And, I am not dating someone AND keeping in contact with my ex. I am not judging her either, I like her a lot as a friend, we have a lot of fun together and I think she is a wonderful person. Your female friend isn't currently dating you either though... So, you have two friends who are not dating each other, but are still in very recent contact with an ex. Not trying to give you a hard time, just trying to point out the duplicity. I can say this openly, because, I myself have not had contact with any ex for several years so I'm allowed to make that distinction. If you expect certain behaviors from women, or rather, don't want certain behaviors, you have to abide by the same set of standards my friend. 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Don't do it. Not because it is wrong, but because it is already bothering you. If it is normal for her that is all that matters. My man still keeps in touch with a few women he was with. Nothing more than a text every month or so. As for the walks with the dog, I could see that too, heck, if my ex husband was willing to do that with me I would be all for it, I miss my dog like crazy. 1
MrCastle Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Not down with the ex thing. It would be a problem for me. I would rather the girl not tell me who her exes are. Ignorance is bliss 1
Adele0908 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Well.... Nearly all women have some exes who are still interested and who still keep in touch. Just like nearly all women have a male friend or many male friends who are just waiting for an opportunity to get with her. Some women do also remain friends with their exes, especially if the break up was amicable. Cell phones and social networking make it easier for people to stay in touch. If you want her, it is safe to assume that you are NOT the only man who wants her. 3
RedRobin Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) I am very good friends with one of my exes, and still keep in touch with a second. In the first case, I helped him find his new girlfriend (not so new now... they've been together for 2 years), they both have been to my house for Thanksgiving...a couple of weeks ago, me and his girlfriend went to a salon together. It might sound weird, but I feel our time as friends is way more significant than the time we dated. As for the second... he's a prominent member of my community and we share a common purpose. We get together for that purpose and remain friendly. The only 'exes' I wouldn't want to stay in touch with, are those who lied or betrayed me in some way... or there was nothing mutual or 'friend' like. There were many I've dated who have tried to reestablish contact after sometime that I've ignored. Keep in mind though, that I work around all men. Anyone who is going to have a problem with me being friends with exes is also probably going to have a problem with my career and the kind of regular engagement I have with men as part of my work. The question becomes... does the person have strong and clear boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex? Are they honest? Where do you and she draw the line on inappropriate behavior in those interactions and do they line up? I think you'll find (as I have) that once these people are in a significant primary relationship where communication, recreational activity, and other needs are being met, these other relationships fall by the way-side. Does she have female friends too? Edited September 10, 2013 by RedRobin
Author Babolat Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Your female friend isn't currently dating you either though... So, you have two friends who are not dating each other, but are still in very recent contact with an ex. Not trying to give you a hard time, just trying to point out the duplicity. I can say this openly, because, I myself have not had contact with any ex for several years so I'm allowed to make that distinction. If you expect certain behaviors from women, or rather, don't want certain behaviors, you have to abide by the same set of standards my friend. Good point. And, I am not judging my female friend, simply asking if it's normal, soliciting feedback from LS women, for a woman to stay in contact with 5+ exes while single. I am not stating I expect certain behaviors...really, this is a curiosity post and me processing information.
Author Babolat Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Don't do it. Not because it is wrong, but because it is already bothering you. If it is normal for her that is all that matters. My man still keeps in touch with a few women he was with. Nothing more than a text every month or so. As for the walks with the dog, I could see that too, heck, if my ex husband was willing to do that with me I would be all for it, I miss my dog like crazy. It's not bothering me, not at all. And as far as dating her, not any time soon, I have some emotional healing to do from the last one, though I am quite surprised after 5 days of NC how well I feel.
Author Babolat Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Does she have female friends too? She does, one she calls her best friend and probably 5-6 more good friends and many more through her various activities, especially mountain biking. She makes reference to her "work husbands" too; I hear "a good male friend from work", though this term is new to me.
Author Babolat Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Don't do it. Not because it is wrong, but because it is already bothering you. The one thing that does bother me is her contact with her ex, who is an admitted sex addict, who cheated on her many times, etc. Another side of me thinks it's admirable that she has forgiven him and can be his friend.
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