Has it worked out for ANYONE?

[HollyGolightlly]

I read through these sometimes- I am now sitting here wondering if it ever ends up the way we wanted? Has anyone ended up happy with their MM in the end? Or, are they all bad investments?

[oldshirt]

it's very rare to end up with a married person. And even for the very few who do, it's often a very bad investment if they do end up together.

[yellowmaverick]

IMO, cheating MM are all bad investments - but some OW end up with them anyway!!

[carhill]

Yes, I saw from the relative inside how it can work, but it took time, skill and determination. In this instance, it took the lady nearly a decade but now she shares a lovely home with her boyfriend and is a partner in his business. When I entered the fray, the guy's family hated her (I spent a bit of time with them and saw/sensed it) and she often had her doubts about continuing. I was a timely and helpful distraction, both to supply a bit of competition and validation.

 

My advice: Unless you're a pro at this (she was and is, as I've known her for over 30 years), think long and hard about investing into such dynamics. They eat amateurs for lunch. Good luck.

[Goodbye]

There are a few who post here who ended up with their AP. Let us not forget Prince Charles.

[tiernan]

I have a friend who was OW and now is a Wife. It was a long and Winding road. He left her many times to come back to BS but she was determined. or there was a case his BS came to OW's flat and moved him out. He also left her for 4 months until he ultimately came back during which she had 2 suicidal attempts. She says it was worth it. I gave up before I lost my senses.

[Anna-Belle]

From what I've seen other forums which are less anti-affair have a much higher rate of EMRs working out. Not surprising really, that if you get support while in the affair rather than support to leave the affair the chance of the EMR becoming a regular relationship out in the open is higher.

[Sarabi]

I read through these sometimes- I am now sitting here wondering if it ever ends up the way we wanted? Has anyone ended up happy with their MM in the end? Or, are they all bad investments?

 

Did it end up the way I wanted? In a strange way yes...

Looking at it from this side-I am free of that deadweight f@#ker going out more, reading more, being more positive, less...stressed, healthy and enjoying the attention/flirting with a very kind, sweet, funny, handsome, gentlemanly single colleague

Yes. I wish him nothing but the best but I am happy that he is far and away from me. It took him to realise that I need to invest more in myself, that can't be a bad thing surely?

[Red Wolverine]

I don't know if it's my divorce, cancer scare, or aging causing my perspective but no man is worth enduring pain.

 

All I ever wanted was a man I could respect, trust, and just be with. No drama, no complications.

 

It's probably a combination of the factors I listed but if a man can't meet those simple needs, I'm out. I told xMM I would never settle again. I want peace and happiness. I give my all and expect the same but if it's too difficult to just be decent, he won't be worth my time. As a mother, I would not allow destructive behavior around my children.

 

Anyway, until I'm sure I've found a keeper... Men are like buses... Another one is always around the corner. I'm worth the wait.

[tiernan]

most of cases that worked out for OW was when a wife let go off the cheater, it doesn;t end up well when she is not letting him go and blackmailing him emotionally very often using children to keep him home - it still holds him on the emotional string

[Owl]

There are always going to be 'cases' that worked out either way. There are indeed a few successful affair-turned-full-on-public-relationship that have been seen here.

 

And I can believe that those stats may well indeed be slightly higher on other sites where affairs are encouraged.

 

But, I don't believe that the chances of that happening are overly high in any event.

 

Folks win the lottery all the time...doesn't mean that it's a successful strategy to plan on in order to support your family...time to sell the house and buy lottery tickets! LOL!

 

It CAN happen doesn't mean that it WILL happen in a specific instance, or that it's LIKELY to happen in that instance.

 

Something to keep in mind as you ask these questions.

[KathyM]

Of the marriages where I've known one or both partners personally where infidelity was involved, there were extremely few where the spouse ended up in a legitimate relationship with the AP. Of those few, two relationships did not last because the man went on to cheat on the AP turned wife. The other one, I lost track of since I moved away from the area and no longer hear about it, but I can imagine that relationship likely failed as well. The man was a serial cheater, and didn't have a faithful bone in his body. Not likely he stayed faithful to the new wife for very long.

[yellowmaverick]

most of cases that worked out for OW was when a wife let go off the cheater, it doesn;t end up well when she is not letting him go and blackmailing him emotionally very often using children to keep him home - it still holds him on the emotional string

 

Just curious where you got your information? I belong to a large support group of BSs. Every single one of us initially filed for divorce or took steps to separate. In every single case, our WSs begged us not to divorce. Through my unfortunate circumstances, I have gotten to know many other BSs. I know of only one who asked her husband to stay and they have no children. [He stayed and they just renewed their vows ].

 

If your source is your cheating MM, well....consider the source.

[bentleychic]

I know some people that it's worked out for. I do think it's the exception to the rule, though.

 

One left her H of 20+ years and has now been married for almost as many to her OM.

 

Another, both left their spouses and are now married. I don't know them well enough to know if they are happily married or not. (Co-workers.)

 

I know another couple that were both married, both left the A and reconciled with their BS. I don't think either planned to leave their marriages, though.

 

Another left her H and moved in with the OM. They never got married, but have been living together for years.

 

Another left her H to be with another man and did not end up with him, but did end up married to another man. That didn't end well and she's not gotten married again since and that's been 7-8 years, I think.

 

(Most of these people are ones that I know/knew on a very close first hand basis except for the co-workers.)

 

I always wonder how many people that I know are having A's that I don't know of. I actually thought the co-workers were before I found out b/c I kept seeing their vehicles parked next to each other in a specific parking lot. Very unmistakable vehicles and they did not seem to be trying to hide the fact that they were seeing other AT ALL even though they were both very married with children.

[2sure]

There are two women on here that post frequently , that have gone from OW to ...if not married , partners. I don't think either one if them generally recommend affairs however.

 

I would have thought there would be more, just given the number of divorces ...it's not uncommon to divorce. Cheating isnt uncommon either. But apparently after the divorce, affair partners aren't ending up together as often as I would have guessed.

 

I recently went to another site that was strictly OW and there was an entire thread with older members updating the results of their affairs. Some of those that married Their MM...were being cheated on or talking about the insecurity that came with finally having him.

 

It was a different and possibly more realistic view , just because the site was for OW and they weren't feeling defensive.

 

It surprised me. I mean, I know first hand affairs are bad news, but ...I just thought there might be more for whom it wasn't.

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes..it happens all the time...Just ask any divorce lawyer..

 

The problem with using a site like this as a barometer, is that you are generally only seeing the aftermath of the heartache and disappointment. Thats when people start looking for answers on the net and wind up on these types of forums. Most people that are So Happy Together after their affair becomes legit, arent on forums like this...They move on with their lives, are confident in their new R, and just dont talk about it much..

 

I know two guys that did it...From what I have seen, it takes a patient OW that isnt consumed with the whole thing. And a MM that keeps his word and follows through...Timelines dont always get met, thats where patience comes into play.

 

Its a tough road and isnt the ideal way to begin a LTR...But it does happen..

 

TFY

[ladydesigner]

My mother and father were both M when they met and they immediately left their spouses and moved in together and married a year later. They have been together for 40 years, but my mom went on to have 3 A's on my dad so I wouldn't say their M was ideal.

[tiernan]

Just curious where you got your information? I belong to a large support group of BSs. Every single one of us initially filed for divorce or took steps to separate. In every single case, our WSs begged us not to divorce. Through my unfortunate circumstances, I have gotten to know many other BSs. I know of only one who asked her husband to stay and they have no children. [He stayed and they just renewed their vows ].

 

If your source is your cheating MM, well....consider the source.

 

It is not only my cheating mm, there are some other examples around what women are capable of to keep a H at home. My friend's case was that the small daughter was calling him asking him to come home because moomy is lying dead in the floor! Not to mention tricks for car accidents, burglars, illnesses etc.

Mine for sure was pulled constatntly. She filed for a divorce all right but then she was doing everything to stop it or slowing things down. He left her two years ago and every couple of months she was pulling him back, I know that for a fact as we have been together contantly. She used children as well, they were threatening that if he doesn't come back they will not want to know him ever again. It WAS a horrible pressure. I realise that there are many situations that WS are begging their wives to take tchem back, but mostly not when WS made a consious decision to leave tchem, it mostly happen when they were caught and not prepared for divorce papers.

[imbetteroff]

I don't know if it's my divorce, cancer scare, or aging causing my perspective but no man is worth enduring pain.

 

All I ever wanted was a man I could respect, trust, and just be with. No drama, no complications.

 

It's probably a combination of the factors I listed but if a man can't meet those simple needs, I'm out. I told xMM I would never settle again. I want peace and happiness. I give my all and expect the same but if it's too difficult to just be decent, he won't be worth my time. As a mother, I would not allow destructive behavior around my children.

 

Anyway, until I'm sure I've found a keeper... Men are like buses... Another one is always around the corner. I'm worth the wait.

 

 

I just LOVE, LOVE your post!!Thank you!

[waterwoman]

I know of one couple who started out as an affair. He left his wife to be with her. But his marriage was totally dead in the water (so OW told us ) and my friend (OW) is one of the most determined women I have ever met so I am guessing she was never going to accept being second choice for anyone!

 

They seem to be very happy and settled - married 12 years now. They were both in their 50s at the time.

 

I do know of a few other affairs but they all ended up as a damp squib - ie the affair was exposed or came to some similarly messy end.

[cocorico]

I read through these sometimes- I am now sitting here wondering if it ever ends up the way we wanted? Has anyone ended up happy with their MM in the end? Or, are they all bad investments?

 

We ended up blissfully together. Perhaps "ended up" is not the best term, since it implies an ending rather than the beginning of a wonderful next phase of our R. Our M has by now lasted considerably longer than our A did, well beyond the bounds of any limerance phase, and it just gets better and better. For us, it was definitely wins all round.

 

That said, how other people's Rs turn out should not be the basis on whether you continue to invest in your own or not - whatever kind of R it is. If your R (be it A, M or any other kind) is giving you what you want and need *right now*, then that's great, and worth continued investment. If it's not, you need to decide how easily you could change it so that it did give you what you wanted and needed, through your own actions, since those are all you have control over. If the effort s too great, or the expected benefit too far hence, it's not worth it. If you can't get what you want _now_, you have no guarantee you may ever get it. Life is too short, and you deserve to be happy *today*.

[threelaurels]

I am with the man I cheated on my ex-boyfriend with. Our relationship is strong, and I can honestly say that it's the best relationship out of the ones I've had. I see marriage in our future a number of years down the road, but no one knows what the future will actually hold.

 

That said, I think it's a mistake to equate ending up with MM/MW and happiness. Some people certainly do get MM/MW in the end, but that doesn't mean their relationship is good, healthy, or happy.

 

Affairs drastically complicate divorces and, when children are involved, they create a lot of drama when the MM/MW has to be in contact with the BS after leaving their relationship. I honestly doubt very many divorces that occur after the WS leaves for the AP end up being amicable. If the WS and BS live in a fault divorce state, the BS will recieve a greater share of money and assets, which most likely makes finances even tighter for the WS and AP in their new life together. Even in a no-fault state, the WS may have to pay alimony and child support. The situation is stressful for everyone involved.

 

In addition to the financial fallout, the WS usually loses friends and sometimes the support of family members as a result of the affair coming to light. If the kids find out about the affair and are old enough to understand it, they don't react well and tend to blame the AP for breaking up their parents marriage rather than the parent that cheated. In some cases, they will blame the WS, don't want to see them, and usually end up having to be forced by the BS, who is obligated to force them to see the WS or else be held in contempt of court for violating the custody order.

 

In my own personal experience, I only know of one AP who actually ended up happy with MM. My boss's third wife was his OW, and they seem to be happily married. Whether or not he is cheating on her or will cheat, I don't know. However, I can say that I will be surprised if he ever divorces her due to his age and the fact that he is coming up on retirement in a few years.

 

Things did not end up so happy for Wife #2, who was his OW to Wife #1. He left her for Wife #3, and she most likely has to remain in contact with him for the rest of her life because one of their kids has special needs and will most likely never have the ability to live on his own. The rest of his children are adults. From what I've seen of her, she's constantly under a great deal of stress.

[aliveagain]

The statistics regarding affair partners marring their affair partner(depending on who's stats you read)vary between 1-10% and 75% of those relationships don't survive past 5 years. It is more like 3 out of a 100 survive the 5 year mark, very poor odds. Marriages born out of infidelity have a much higher ratio of infidelity. Another interesting statistic is that 80% of those that divorce during an affaire regret their decision. Too bad they didn't realize that earlier when there was still had a chance to repair the damage.

[threelaurels]

My friend's case was that the small daughter was calling him asking him to come home because moomy is lying dead in the floor! Not to mention tricks for car accidents, burglars, illnesses etc.

 

Why didn't he involve the courts? If she behaved like this, the courts would have sorted it out and it would have impacted her ability to have custody of them. Judges do not look favorably on parents who use their children as tools for manipulation.

 

It's not just a "he said, she said" scenario either when children are involved. A guardian ad litem could be appointed for the children, and the courts have child witness interviewers who are trained to (a) distinguish when young children are lying or telling the truth, and (b) get young children to tell the truth even when they have been threatened or scared into not telling.

 

I don't mean to offend you or be snide, but I honestly don't understand situations where the WS alleges that the BS is mentally unstable, manipulating the kids, and other horrible things and yet still leaves his children with her. He may or may not win full custody in court, but he should at least try to challenge the arrangement for the sake of his children.

 

I don't have kids, but, if I was a mother, I would do whatever I could to protect my children, even if it meant spending my life savings to hire a top-notch lawyer or even breaking the law. Psychological harm is just as bad as physical harm, and I would never let anyone mess with my kids.

[yellowmaverick]

Yes, there are spouses who want to keep their WS. However, my original point was, no BS can "make" her WS stay with her, just as she could not "make" him remain faithful. Clearly, a spouse who cheats is someone who puts his own wants above those of all others. If a WS stays with the spouse, it is for one reason only - he CHOOSES to do so, of his own free will. Likewise, if the WS did not leave to be with the OW, it's because he CHOSE not to - again, of his own free will. The cheater chooses the option which is most appealing to him.

 

[For the record, I have not yet chosen to reconcile with my H. Even so, he has chosen NOT to be with his ex-mistress. I did let her know that I had not chosen to reconcile with him and that there were no young children or financial issues to consider, so if he did not choose to be with her, that was all on him].

Edited September 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator