arizonaspider Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 My husband had a 13 day text affair before i caught him. It is someone that is involved in our lives through boy scouts. My husband went on a boy scout trip on memorial day weekend, with many many others. He drove the van, and SHE rode with him, amongst others. After that, they started texting each other. Now my husband and I were having difficulties in our relationship, which he shared with her. Once I caught him, he told me he was not in love with me anymore and wanted to leave. I continued to track his phone, not knowing he got a Trac phone, which he told me about a week later. He decided to leave for one night to "think" about things. He texted me the next day and told me he made a mistake and wanted to come back. So for 2 months, that is what he has been telling me. Problem, I DO NOT TRUST HIM!!! This woman is going to be a presence again and if he was willing to leave me once for her, (though NO physical contact happened, im sure of) why wouldn't he do it again? I WILL not go through this again, no way!!! It's like I am trying to catch him so I can end it before I get hurt again.
lylat333 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) The more complicated the situation... the harder it is to get a response.... I don't blame you for being suspicious since he did a 180, going from he doesn't love you anymore to admitting he made a mistake and wants to come back. Alas, it happens. It's like I am trying to catch him so I can end it before I get hurt again. I know exactly how you feel about this. I suffered from trust issues for many months while i was with my ex. It all started because she drunkenly made out with another guy a month after I met her after we had already started to become intimate. We weren't official bf/gf yet, but it seemed pretty obvious it was on the horizon. She felt horrible and I was crushed. Between that and finding out a little more about her past, I remained wary and felt constantly threatened I might get blindsided again. She would do/say things that bothered me but never made crystal clear mistakes to allow me to end it. All that said, I think it's very possible he may genuinely feel he made a mistake and wish to be with you again. It takes tough lessons to wake up and realize when you're being a screw-up. I do think we are all human and are prone to taking relationships for granted. I think the best thing to do is let him know exactly how you feel - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Some physical/emotional space may not hurt either. You haven't shut the door on this yet... it's on him to do what it takes to show you he is sincere and earn your trust back. It's your choice whether you want to reconcile or not. It will only work if he does all it takes and you feel good about it again. If you continue to have doubts or put him in a relationship where he can't win no matter what he does, it will be a losing battle. Wishing you the best. Edited September 9, 2013 by lylat333
Coolit Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 How do you know the night he left he didn't go have sex with her? 4
Confused48 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 How do you know the night he left he didn't go have sex with her? Coolit, you and I know he did have sex with her and that it is just a matter of time until she finds this out for herself. Good luck to you OP. you are in for one heck of a roller coaster ride. Hang on. 1
Ebelskiver Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I think that since this woman runs in your same circle that you should talk to her. Nothing rude, but something along the lines of, "I read the texts you and my husband exchanged. These are not appropriate and make me uncomfortable. Please do not contact him or respond to him if he contacts you. Thanks." Maybe that will at least get her off the trail. Other than that....it's time for some couseling. Individual and couples. The reasons why he was willing to leave with so little prevocation (a bit of attention and ego boosting from another woman) need to be uncovered. This actually is an opportunity to really strengthen your marriage. But I would also dig and little deeper and make sure the affair wasn't physical. Is the OW married as well? 1
Morgoth Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 For the OP, I am a MM and have a couple of OW on the side one local, one out of state. I run both realtionships through texting mostly, phone and email. I will also add that texting is a very personal from of communications. Almost like having a converastion. Regarding him leaving you, I would imagine he has been thinking about that for a very long time, until he realizied how much it would cost and that the family law courts are stacked against men. At the end of the day, assets probably keep most marriages intact rather than MC. Good luck to you. 1
janedoe67 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Is he still involved with that same scout troupe? If so, that needs to stop. He needs to not have ANY contact with her. period. if she is going to be at PTA, he doesn't go. If she shops at Wal Mart, you go to Publix. No contact. And yes, I agree with contacting her, but I don't think a polite tete a tete OR a threat will work. I think a simple "I know what happened, and I will fight for my marriage whatever it takes. Stay away." will suffice. If she is married, her hubby also needs to know. And yes, keep snooping. I would bet you do not have the whole truth. 1
HopingAgain Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 OP, you should know that to the minds of the innocent all will look innocent. And to the minds of the guilty....everyone is guilty. All that to say, don't listen to everyone saying he HAD to have slept with her and only staying for assets yada yada. Find out for yourself by verifying the info you have. You can use a voice activated recorder to hide in the car, be on the look out for hidden phones" GPS the car. Its amazing the info you can find through these means. If heYou can also install spyware on his cell phone and computeThese are not long term solutions but in the meantime while you're deciding what to do it can give you some peace of mind.
Confused48 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I think that since this woman runs in your same circle that you should talk to her. Nothing rude, but something along the lines of, "I read the texts you and my husband exchanged. These are not appropriate and make me uncomfortable. Please do not contact him or respond to him if he contacts you. Thanks." This sound so weak. The OW would be emboldened. The BW finds out her man is at the very least being very inappropriate with the OW and say that? Must be a door mat to say that in response to what BW knows. BW should spit in her face. 1
Realist3 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 A whole 13 days? OMG! Look, OP you have WAY bigger problems than 13 days of text messages. 2
janedoe67 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I don't think minimizing the OP's feeling of betrayal helps. He deceived and hurt her, no matter how flexible we may make our definition of affair. 2
Realist3 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I don't think minimizing the OP's feeling of betrayal helps. He deceived and hurt her, no matter how flexible we may make our definition of affair. Yes, we are getting pretty flexible here. 13 days ways a flirtation, not an affair. But regardless of definitions, her problem is not the 13 days of texts it is much deeper.
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Yes, we are getting pretty flexible here. 13 days ways a flirtation, not an affair. But regardless of definitions, her problem is not the 13 days of texts it is much deeper. I have to agree with this. Whether or not he did a 13 day texting affair or not, this IS is not going away: "he told me he was not in love with me anymore and wanted to leave."
janedoe67 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Whether he likes it or not, when he decided to flirt with another woman and hide it from his wife, he MADE it part of the deeper problem. We can twist this into a thing where she must have been a bad wife so it's her fault scenario, but The key that some people don't seem to get is this: Other people's failings do NOT mitigate my own. Other people's faults do NOT make my bad choices good choices. So whether it be a neglectful spouse, an overly busy spouse, or an addicted mentally ill spouse - I am still responsible for MY values. MY choices to betray my marriage or invade someone else's are MY immoral, wrong, black and white bad choices....and doing the kindergarten playground thing of "well, she hit me first" is not what grownups with a character and conscience do.
Realist3 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Whether he likes it or not, when he decided to flirt with another woman and hide it from his wife, he MADE it part of the deeper problem. We can twist this into a thing where she must have been a bad wife so it's her fault scenario, but The key that some people don't seem to get is this: Other people's failings do NOT mitigate my own. Other people's faults do NOT make my bad choices good choices. So whether it be a neglectful spouse, an overly busy spouse, or an addicted mentally ill spouse - I am still responsible for MY values. MY choices to betray my marriage or invade someone else's are MY immoral, wrong, black and white bad choices....and doing the kindergarten playground thing of "well, she hit me first" is not what grownups with a character and conscience do. Okay, what he did was wrong. That wrong is not the problem here.
Realist3 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Seriously, there is no debate here about the rights and wrongs of infidelity. None of these discussions are trying to debate whether a wheel is round. Just because he was wrong in his actions doesn't change the underlying fundamental issue.
Owl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Seriously, there is no debate here about the rights and wrongs of infidelity. None of these discussions are trying to debate whether a wheel is round. Just because he was wrong in his actions doesn't change the underlying fundamental issue. Which is what, precisely? I've gone back and re-read the opening post, and I wasn't able to extract that info.
Realist3 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Which is what, precisely? I've gone back and re-read the opening post, and I wasn't able to extract that info. This is the problem: "he told me he was not in love with me anymore and wanted to leave." The underlying reasons for that fact have not been disclosed. All I'm saying is that the 13 days of flirty texts is not the OP's real problem.
Owl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 This is the problem: The underlying reasons for that fact have not been disclosed. All I'm saying is that the 13 days of flirty texts is not the OP's real problem. I'd say that they're BOTH "the problem". I'd agree that the text affair is a symptom of something else. But...like a high fever, if left untreated, the symptom can kill before the cause does. Odds are...his comment about not being in love and wanting to leave are TIED to the affair. End the affair, and his mind could well change on that subject. I saw this very clearly happen in my wife's EA in our own situation. She needs to push to end his affair in whatever fashion she can...and work to figure out what can be done to rebuild the marriage, if anything. But while her H remains in contact with the OW, there is very little chance at all that she'll be able to do so. 1
Realist3 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I'd say that they're BOTH "the problem". I'd agree that the text affair is a symptom of something else. But...like a high fever, if left untreated, the symptom can kill before the cause does. Odds are...his comment about not being in love and wanting to leave are TIED to the affair. I would disagree. One does not make decisions like that based on 13 days of texting.
Owl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I would disagree. One does not make decisions like that based on 13 days of texting. My wife's EA was via online IM/game/some phone calls, for not much longer than this...and she most assuradly did make decisions based off that. I think you're underestimating the psychological addiction created by this kind of event.
velvette Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I would disagree. One does not make decisions like that based on 13 days of texting. Lots of people in A especially if they think they have found their "soulmate" say/do crazy stuff like this. Similar to how high school kids function in R......a lot of drama. Some people say stuff like this just to put the BS on the defensive when they are caught cheating.
Realist3 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 My wife's EA was via online IM/game/some phone calls, for not much longer than this...and she most assuradly did make decisions based off that. I think you're underestimating the psychological addiction created by this kind of event. As you said, this is a symptom, not the root cause. I will give you some room and say it 'could' have been the reason that influenced him to say what he did, but I don't see 13 days as being the underiyng issue.
Realist3 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Lots of people in A especially if they think they have found their "soulmate" say/do crazy stuff like this. Similar to how high school kids function in R......a lot of drama. Some people say stuff like this just to put the BS on the defensive when they are caught cheating. If he thinks he found his soul mate in 13 days to make those type of statements, then she has an additional problem outside of the fact that her marriage is in free fall. She then has a bad marriage, and an adolescent for a husband.
Owl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 As you said, this is a symptom, not the root cause. I will give you some room and say it 'could' have been the reason that influenced him to say what he did, but I don't see 13 days as being the underiyng issue. The beauty is...we don't need to convince each other here. Hopefully the OP will come back and review all sides, and make her own choice based off the advice she's received from everyone here.
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