You CAN get through this

[happy stillmore]

Tiernan,

Thank you for your words of support. I have been NC for 3 months. It is hard to believe. It is getting easier. I am starting to see him differently. I hate that I trusted him so and worry I may never trust again. I find when I'm in the car alone, driving to/from work is the hardest. I think a lot of what he is thinking and whether he is happy. I think of what a waste it would be if he was miserable and I also think, if he is truly happy, then he must have been a liar all along. I'm much better off without him if this is the case.

 

Your situation is a lot like mine. His wife was co-dependent. She could not handle life without him. Physically sick. Oddly, throughout all of this, she told me no-one can take care of him like she does. I understand being hurt and in shock but I don't understand after all he did to her, why would she want him? My guess is her fear of being alone. She also used their grown girls (ages 25, 23 & 19). Made him feel like they would never talk to him again if he "abandoned" them (her words). He failed to see that he still have a relationship with them if he had become honest with them. Moved out and told them the truth. They would be hurt but in time, will slowly recover their relationship. The girls all went to private school from K-12. Still owe a lot on their mortgage. They had a huge debt as they(mainly wife) spend money freely on trips and the girls. I sometimes wanted whether his wife spent money on purpose. There was no motivation to pay down the debt because she knew that was away to keep him there. It came down to money as well because his wife convinced him she would not be able to afford the mortgage alone. This, forcing her and the girls to sell their house.

 

Like I said before, I am seeing him differently. I know now he really is not a strong person. He is not what I would want in a partner. I don't want a wishy-washy person. I know in my heart what I need to do. My life will not be complete unless I know what it feels to be happy on my own. I realize my world is bigger than his will ever be. He is an introvert. His whole life with her is working, coming home, watching tv on the weekends. He has a total of 35 friends on Facebook. Most are friends or family of his wife. He is from another city so his whole social life is her family. I feel sad for his small world. That may be enough for him. Who knows. Not for me. I have not done Facebook in two years and recently changed my profile picture. It made me laugh a little when almost 40 people commented or liked my profile picture of me. That is more friends he has total! I am starting to reconnect with my friends and will enjoy the life I have left. I am not going to exist for the rest of my days. I'm going to live and breathe every moment I have left on this spinning globe we are on. You will get there.

[happy stillmore]

Oops! Sorry I didn't know I sent two.

[tiernan]

Happy stillmore, I understand you perfectly. My exmm is a very similar person to yours. The only provider for the family, working hard, no life outside. He left her two years ago and moved out, but she never let go. Excluded him from the lives of children - older ones didn't want to know him and she kept him away from the youngest one. He was missing his children, I could see that. But he kept saying that the pain of not being with me will be bigger that the feeling of guilt towards them. It might have been the case provided she wouldn't constantly remind him what he had done. Calling him every couple of months to cry and beg to try again. I was living on a bomb, of when she will activate her pleadings. Each time it happened he started to waiver and hesitate. It was a emotional rollercoaster for me. I know it has been the biggest love for me and for him as well. He always kept saying he have come through so much together, we can come through some more. And now he thought he should go back - after all that. I cannot understand it. I never will. Duty over love, he didn;t even say he is sorry. All he said was that he loves me so much and he will always love me and that he will never be happy. I can see it is all about him and how he feels, but I am still far away from seeing him differently, that is why I am in such pain and denial.

Hugs to you.

[happy stillmore]

Tiernan,

I think I may be having an easier time of it because it is easier for me to see my xMM as a wimp. He was not the main breadwinner. His wife made 90k. He only made 30k. She really could have lived without his salary. If she would not continue to spoil the girls. The girls still live at home and she spends on them. They both don't have a backbone. I see it in the lack of respect the girls have for others, including their parents. The thing that pushed me over the edge was him not fighting for us. He followed her rules. Could not leave the house alone or text when he still lived there. So, there really was no way to have a relationship because his life was so controlled. Work, home, work home. He said he felt trapped and depressed on the weekends because he wanted to be with me. My opinion is if he was that miserable, he should have gotten another job. Work two jobs so he could afford to live on his own. Instead, he chose to stay there where his wife catered to him. She has issues herself with low self-esteem, felt like she was nothing without him. Left a message on my voicemail starting she hates herself. She would do anything to keep him there. Even put his socks on him! While she controlled him, he controlled her in a way. He said to me, he knows his wife would never leave him. (True. Very true) I think he was too afraid to leave what he knows and be with someone who has an opinion, a strong person who may see him as he truly is and leave him. They are both co-dependent on each other. It isn't not a relationship based on love. Their relationship is based on fear of being alone. His wife was aware of our relationship for two years and never let go. I know, me personally, if my H told me today he was in love with someone else, I would end our marriage. She may say she loves him, love is a commitment, etc and that is why she won't let go. I think if you loved yourself, you won't allow yourself feel like your second place. He had two women feeling that way. I couldn't stand it, so I'm moving on. Plus, I realize my life will be easier without him. His daughters would be angry at me and make him feel guilt and they would use that at any chance they could. They can manipulate too (like their mom) to get whatever they want. his wife may be thinking she got the prize. A coward in my mind. No thanks.

 

I understand the boarding school dilemma with your husband. Yikes, that is a hard one. If he was separated from his wife and living on his own, would his employer still pay the boarding school? It sounds like his wife is like my xMM's wife. She wouldn't let go. Like I said, she felt only she can take care of xMM. It was an odd thing to me for someone who knows she has been betrayed for two years and still want to care for him. She was like a mother too. Quite odd. She knew when we were together so it wasn't a secret from her. In your case, I'm not sure I could wait until the youngest graduates from school. Sounds like she is a teenager. It isn't fair to you or anyone. Everyone needs to start living life honestly (me included). he needs to decide what it is that he truly wants, if he can't make the decision, then you need to move on. you need to decide that the present situation is not good enough for you and you deserve more. What your xMM did is what I was afraid of. He would leave his house, then be crippled with guilt. Then regret. I did not want to face a future of trying to keep his mind occupied, to keep him happy, to not miss his family. I just never could understand why he couldn't see that it could be us AND his girls. It was never either, or, as his wife made him believe.

 

If I were you, I would make yourself as priority. Try to get your life back to belonging to you. There is joy in simplicity. He is not able to break free from his wife. His actions are telling you this. As much as you want him to, he is not able to be free of this situation. I tell myself, I asked for this pain when I allowed myself to fall for a married man. It was a gamble that I knew I might not win. The realities of life were too much to overcome the odds of our being together. Break free totally off this situation. Start living your life like an open book. Living this way will end all of this emotional, exhausting turmoil. Do you really want that in your future? Even if your MM came to you, your future will have a negative undertone. For me, I don't want any negativity. I want honesty, positive people around me. I want my kids to live that way. That is also another reason, I'm more comfortable with ending my relationship. I am divorcing their father without this extra pain of the other man to confuse them further. They would have seen me as a cheater (which is true), and lost respect for me. That would break me.

 

I'm sorry that I'm long-winded. I want to help you move on. See the realities. Look at the big picture, not just the present. When you look at the overall scheme of things, ending this complicated mess is for the best for everyone. Show him you love yourself too much and can't settle anymore. The only way you can consider him in your life is if he contacts you and is already moved in his own apartment and the family situation is settled. When he realizes he can no longer stay in a marriage he isn't happy in. He moves out for himself. Then, he will not feel the guilt like he has in the past, without regrets. I'm thinking that while you moved on and he is living his "dutiful" life, you will be enjoying life with a quiet mind. I predict in time, you will look back and be thankful you choose a life with your best interests in mind.

 

Feel free to private message me. Although I never did that before. I'm sending thoughts of strength to you. Happiness is within you.

Edited September 12, 2013 by happy stillmore

[tiernan]

happy stillmore, thank you so much, reading this is helpful, even though I haven't got out of the fog yet. it is not even 2 weeks for me and I hurt soooo much. I would like to stop feeling for him. I recollect everything bad he has done to me and how insecure I felt for the last two years, but it doesn't help much as with those recolecctions come the ones of happiness and love. I find it impossible to move on. Sometimes I think that maybe I deserve it as I am sure his wife must have felt the same after he left her and as they say what goes round comes round.