You CAN get through this

[maidai]

Honestly you can. So many threads at the moment and so much frustration from those who broke the destruction and so much heartbreak from those who feel they can not do it.

 

6 weeks ago I sounded like so many here. Had you asked me my world was perfect. I was head over heels in love with the perfect man, he made me laugh, I had never loved like this although married we were no secret to anyone including his wife he was 3 years seperated and the divorce was imminent. Then bang........

 

Now 5 1/2 weeks down the line and 4 1/2 weeks full no contact I look back on my perfect man and perfect relationship and think when did I get so stupid? Future hopes, dreams, whatever, that is all they are. All that you build up in your head through your rose tinted spectacles and avoidance. Ignoring red flags, ignoring things that should niggle you. All because its so special and fun and exciting and you never loved like this. Reality.... spineless moron who seriously needs to see a therapist grow a spine and relocate his balls.

 

In the last 5 weeks I have had 5 nights big nights out on the town, possibly 20 other nights out with friends in a calmer environment, 2 nights out with a male friend who is simply that and been able to be relaxed, been asked out on two dates but been sensible enough to know not to go there yet. I have been to circuit training, swimming, yesterday I met up with three wonderful men partaking in a mammoth trek to raise funds for my charity and walked the last 8.4 very testing rough track miles with them pushing my pain barrier and enjoyed every minute. To mark the fact I feel like I have kicked my way up a mountain this last few weeks next weekend I am doing just that! I am literally going to go climb a mountain with friends. If I have to go on my hands and knees I WILL CLIMB THAT MOUNTAIN because right now I believe I can do anything or be anyone I want to be! I am happy, I am free and I am able to see everything that my relationship was for the last 18mnths I somehow missed. Its like someone took a hood off of my head.

 

Today at a friends her facebook flashed up a comment from him on a mutual friends of hers post basically saying he wanted to make an appointment as his *other half* seems he still cant use the word *wife* wanted to get inked. My friend swivelled round to see if I had seen it and looked crestfallen. I laughed and said appointment? It will only take two minutes to ink *nasty* and threw her a wink. Then we laughed and laughed had a high five and then we went to have fun. There in lies the crux just 5 weeks on I could not care less. It did not stop me dead in my tracks, it did not knock me back and it did not make me feel weak, sick or crushed. It made me feel nothing other than wanting to rush here to LS to hope that typing it all out helps someone else here going through what I was going through 5 weeks ago and to offer a little bit of help and support back to those who can not imagine being free of the pain. I hope it does and I really hope those going through it now find the strength to stand strong as I have. You all deserve so much more x:love:

Edited September 9, 2013 by maidai

[legalgirl]

Amen to that! Don't ever tell yourself that you are not strong enough to break away because you can and when you do it feels really good!!!!

[yellowmaverick]

Now 5 1/2 weeks down the line and 4 1/2 weeks full no contact I look back on my perfect man and perfect relationship and think when did I get so stupid? Future hopes, dreams, whatever, that is all they are. All that you build up in your head through your rose tinted spectacles and avoidance. Ignoring red flags, ignoring things that should niggle you. All because its so special and fun and exciting and you never loved like this. Reality.... spineless moron who seriously needs to see a therapist grow a spine and relocate his balls

 

You were not stupid for believing the words of a man who was separated for three years. Yes, love does taint the way we see someone. It often clouds our common sense and judgment because we want so much to believe in the people we love. Live, love, and learn - and move on when you need to. Looks like you've got this nailed!!

[tiernan]

Maidai, thank you for this post. As I also just more than a week ago was in it seemed a happy relationship, mm on the good way to divorce with decree nisi and waiting for assets to be divided. We had a clear path for the future together, planned a baby etc, etc. And as like in your case there is a shock that he started to hesitate if he should come back to his family. After two years of being with me in the open. I am happy for you. I wish you will soon replace your xmm with someone better. For me it is not even a week and I find it really hard most of the times. Reading posts like yours really helps. If there might be a light after 5 weeks, I am sure I can survive 4 more...

[Babolat]

Honestly you can. So many threads at the moment and so much frustration from those who broke the destruction and so much heartbreak from those who feel they can not do it.

 

6 weeks ago I sounded like so many here. Had you asked me my world was perfect. I was head over heels in love with the perfect man, he made me laugh, I had never loved like this although married we were no secret to anyone including his wife he was 3 years seperated and the divorce was imminent. Then bang........

 

Now 5 1/2 weeks down the line and 4 1/2 weeks full no contact I look back on my perfect man and perfect relationship and think when did I get so stupid? Future hopes, dreams, whatever, that is all they are. All that you build up in your head through your rose tinted spectacles and avoidance. Ignoring red flags, ignoring things that should niggle you. All because its so special and fun and exciting and you never loved like this. Reality.... spineless moron who seriously needs to see a therapist grow a spine and relocate his balls.

 

In the last 5 weeks I have had 5 nights big nights out on the town, possibly 20 other nights out with friends in a calmer environment, 2 nights out with a male friend who is simply that and been able to be relaxed, been asked out on two dates but been sensible enough to know not to go there yet. I have been to circuit training, swimming, yesterday I met up with three wonderful men partaking in a mammoth trek to raise funds for my charity and walked the last 8.4 very testing rough track miles with them pushing my pain barrier and enjoyed every minute. To mark the fact I feel like I have kicked my way up a mountain this last few weeks next weekend I am doing just that! I am literally going to go climb a mountain with friends. If I have to go on my hands and knees I WILL CLIMB THAT MOUNTAIN because right now I believe I can do anything or be anyone I want to be! I am happy, I am free and I am able to see everything that my relationship was for the last 18mnths I somehow missed. Its like someone took a hood off of my head.

 

Today at a friends her facebook flashed up a comment from him on a mutual friends of hers post basically saying he wanted to make an appointment as his *other half* seems he still cant use the word *wife* wanted to get inked. My friend swivelled round to see if I had seen it and looked crestfallen. I laughed and said appointment? It will only take two minutes to ink *nasty* and threw her a wink. Then we laughed and laughed had a high five and then we went to have fun. There in lies the crux just 5 weeks on I could not care less. It did not stop me dead in my tracks, it did not knock me back and it did not make me feel weak, sick or crushed. It made me feel nothing other than wanting to rush here to LS to hope that typing it all out helps someone else here going through what I was going through 5 weeks ago and to offer a little bit of help and support back to those who can not imagine being free of the pain. I hope it does and I really hope those going through it now find the strength to stand strong as I have. You all deserve so much more x:love:

 

I needed to hear this today, thank you!.

 

Like you, I have moved on with my life and I have done some wonderful things.

 

I was the dumper 5+ months ago and it's still hard. I wonder every day "what if" and "why can't we work".

[maidai]

Maidai, thank you for this post. As I also just more than a week ago was in it seemed a happy relationship, mm on the good way to divorce with decree nisi and waiting for assets to be divided. We had a clear path for the future together, planned a baby etc, etc. And as like in your case there is a shock that he started to hesitate if he should come back to his family. After two years of being with me in the open. I am happy for you. I wish you will soon replace your xmm with someone better. For me it is not even a week and I find it really hard most of the times. Reading posts like yours really helps. If there might be a light after 5 weeks, I am sure I can survive 4 more...

 

You WILL do this you have to They are not emtionally available they have to deal with what they chose to head back to. Just keep envisaging youself looking forward all the time! Dont try to find out anything about what he is up to infact do everything you can to stop yourself finding out what he is up to. Protect yourself. Embrace friends, re engage with them and ask them to accompany you out and about doing things even if its just coffee. If you have some like minded friends who you think will do something more challenging with you or something you have always wanted to try do it and enjoy it. Each day doing something new and taking time with others is a day towards your freedom.

 

I now know even if he came crawling back on his hands and knees broken I would step over him and walk onwards. I have lost a stone and feel great and joked to friends I would only take him back if I needed to lose another stone quickly for a special occassion and I needed a dress to fit Reality is he would never have that hold over me again so that would never work again. I dont love him or hate him I am completely indifferent. I dont find anything about him attractive anymore.

 

I am sure in time I may meet someone nicer who is more worthwhile and more deserving of me and what I have to offer but you know what? Right now I honestly could not care if I never do. I have learnt that I do not need a SO to be happy, infact watching others relationships around me I think grief its hardwork having to consider someone else aswell as yourself all the time! A real eye opener! I certainly wont be going looking for it, if it happens it happens if it doesnt I will carry on enjoying all the richness my lovely friends and family bring into my life x

[tiernan]

I admire how you have grown personally and out of relationship so quickly. I envy you a bit that you are so free. I still feel imprisoned in sadness and despair but there are moments in a day that I am not thinking about what happened. The worst thing for me I guess is that I cannot understand what actually happened. I wasn't asking, I wasn't begging - I just let him go. But now I feel I want some explanations. It holds me back and slows down the healing.

[JPMC]

Tiernan, you don't need closure. You just need to move forward. Realize that the situation is hopeless. The anxiety you feel is your nerve receptors screaming for dopamine. It's all chemical.

 

Be grateful and reward yourself for those moments when you don't think about it. Soon those moments will be more and more! You are only as imprisoned as you allow yourself.

[maidai]

But now I feel I want some explanations. It holds me back and slows down the healing.

 

I found that this was the biggest turning point for me. We had words on the Saturday I asked for a couple of days for us both to clear our heads. On the Monday I had a missed call from him on my mobile and called him back thinking he was obviously ready to find a way forward and had his wife answer the phone telling me not to contact him again. No matter what he said or did I realised I was not going to hear what I wanted or it could be something that would potentially hurt me more. I was not going to get my closure from him so I had to make *my* own closure. I realised that in my head I could play out 100 scenarios or find 101 justifications for why he did what he did his Daughter, the fact that his wife is horrid and controlling, blackmail you name it. The most important thing though was no matter how I tried to pretty it up he chose her over me. My closure came through asking myself if I was happy to be 2nd best. After all that is what I his partner of 18mnths had just been religated to, 2nd best. No matter what he chose her. I found then I did not want to hear what he had to say because *I* chose not to be that person, I chose not to allow it to happen, I chose to chose ME and put myself first. The key is taking a step back, thinking what you would tell those you cared about if they were going through that situation, the fact you would not understand them allowing themselves to continue through a situation where they had so little self worth. *I* have self worth, I was worth more than he could ever deserve, his wife is nasty, she is selfish and she is shallow. I realised so is he. They deserve each other, I deserve more.

[tiernan]

You are so right. I am not just there yet. I see the words "he chose her over me", but somehow I still don't believe it. It is a self preseravtion thing I guess. I don;t let it sink it as I am afraid it will hurt more. And hence all the explanations for his behaviour and blaming his emotionally unstable wife. And you are so right I shouldn't know why he did it as he still did it. I hope there is a hope for me too - you are giving a prefect example. I am at the beginning of the road out of darkness into the light. Thank you so much for posting.

[JPMC]

The best way to sum it up is, "I deserve everything! Not Something."

[maidai]

You are so right. I am not just there yet. I see the words "he chose her over me", but somehow I still don't believe it. It is a self preseravtion thing I guess. I don;t let it sink it as I am afraid it will hurt more.

 

Part of the healing is letting the hurt in. That all consuming painful hurt, the rejection, dealing with the fact that there must be something wrong with you if he chose a nasty controlling person over you. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Then you realise it is HIS weakness not yours, his lack of backbone and his lack of balls! *I* gave him strength through 18 good months and he used that strength to run back to the very thing that broke him in the first place! Madness! Allowing yourself to realise HE has the problem there is nothing wrong with you. I actually looked at myself in the mirror and told myself he chose her over you repeatedly! At first it hurt, it hurt like hell, then I got use to it and the pain started to subside and then I started to smile, then I laughed at myself smiling back at myself and ended up laughing at myself in the mirror. I had to feel that pain to let it go! The more I numbed it the more it crept up and bit me on the backside. Laughing back at yourself in the mirror may to some sound barking mad but I liked what I saw, my eyes prettying up again, lighting up again and seeing me staring back instead of the hurt broken shell he left. Two days after we split up a guy I was talking to in the pub out of nowhere said to me that my eyes were dead. It really shocked me. It made me sad and I realised they did because I was in a shock numbing down the pain bubble. I had to let that go.

Edited September 9, 2013 by maidai

[tiernan]

maidai I am not that strong yet. My small victories are moments when I am not thinking about him and then I feel almost normal. Deliberately letting the pain overwhelm me is a bit too much for me to handle consciously. But knowing it is a part of a healing I will not be so scared when the pain comes. Thanks for being there.

[maidai]

maidai I am not that strong yet. My small victories are moments when I am not thinking about him and then I feel almost normal. Deliberately letting the pain overwhelm me is a bit too much for me to handle consciously. But knowing it is a part of a healing I will not be so scared when the pain comes. Thanks for being there.

 

That is all you can do, baby steps. Take each day as each day and each day you stay out of contact as a victory. When the pain comes allow it in but only allow it in for so long. Feel the pain then push it away. Each time you feel it the pain will be less and less and you will start to heal and you will get through it.

 

When all this hit the first words out of my mouth to my best friend through sobs and tears were.......I can not see a way back from this! All my other relationships have ended by mutual agreement, we were still friends and we still had love but were just not *in love*. I am friends with all my ex's and I mean close friends we have always managed to maintain a platonic relationship and got along fine. This is the first time at 40 years old having my heartbroke. It was one hell of a shock but its also a learning curve and part of personal growth. If it has taught me one thing it has taught me to respect the love offered even more in any future relationships because I now know how it feels and how it hurts. So in the end it helps, it has helped me understand x

 

Now I dont regret a minute. We had fun. We both did so many things together and experienced and visited so many places together we wanted to and had not had chance to in the past. Holidays, theme parks, we laughed together, we cried together, he comforted me when my Father passed. I have memories, good memories that will last a lifetime. Just because it ended badly does not mean the time we spent together was bad and I am greatful we got to experience those things together. So as sad as I was that it ended I am happy it happened and will embrace and take that forward. I hope that its the healthy way to look at it all. To me its not time wasted, just sometimes good things go bad and you have to let them go.

Edited September 9, 2013 by maidai

[happy stillmore]

Maidai,

I'm so happy for you! I see some of your optimism in myself. I'm not totally free yet. I did the whole "he chose her over me" thing but I'm now starting to see him for what he really is. I believe I'm also having a harder time because I'm sad to say in a marriage that I am not happy in. I am thinking it would be easier to get past this heartbreak if I didn't feel stuck in my situation. I'm really not "stuck" as I know I have options but it is going to take a long period of time before things are settled and I'm free to live my life the way I want. I believe I was extraordinarily connected to xMM because I felt we were in the same boat. Like we understood each other. When you are married, you are only supposed to be emotionally, romantically connected with your spouse. When you are in a bad marriage, you are sooooo alone. I believe that is another layer of my heartbreak. I lost my best friend, my other half. What I looked for in my marriage and finally found. If I was single, I know I would be able to move on quicker. What has gotten me through this is knowing I do have options. If I'm not happy in my marriage, end it. (Duh! No brainer I know. But I was fighting deeply-entrenched family values where divorce isn't an option) Although I thought I felt I was dying (literally my heart ached), I feel I have learned a lot about myself and I have grown stronger. I was weak when I met xMM. I was a coward to not face the poor state of my marriage first before entering an EA. I wanted to know what love is and felt like I found it. I know he loved me but he is a coward too. He is staying on the safe road which is all he knows. It won't be as exciting without romantic love in it. I'm taking the untraveled road and will explore and enjoy all that it has to offer me. If I happen to meet someone who I can talk to, share our interests together and look into each other's eyes with love, then I will grab his hand and we can be FREE to skip happily to our future.

Edited September 10, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Goodbye]

Yes, this is a good reminder that the pain will cease. For whatever reason (think it is the season) I've been angry with exMM again even though we've been NC for a while. He has broken NC a few times and it usually doesn't set me back, but last week it did and I've started debating telling his W again. Blah. I'll just let it go...let them have whatever life it is they have and work on fixing mine.

[maidai]

Maidai,

I'm so happy for you! I see some of your optimism in myself. I'm not totally free yet. I did the whole "he chose her over me" thing but I'm now starting to see him for what he really is. I believe I'm also having a harder time because I'm sad to say in a marriage that I am not happy in. I am thinking it would be easier to get past this heartbreak if I didn't feel stuck in my situation. I'm really not "stuck" as I know I have options but it is going to take a long period of time before things are settled and I'm free to live my life the way I want. I believe I was extraordinarily connected to xMM because I felt we were in the same boat. Like we understood each other. When you are married, you are only supposed to be emotionally, romantically connected with your spouse. When you are in a bad marriage, you are sooooo alone. I believe that is another layer of my heartbreak. I lost my best friend, my other half. What I looked for in my marriage and finally found. If I was single, I know I would be able to move on quicker. What has gotten me through this is knowing I do have options. If I'm not happy in my marriage, end it. (Duh! No brainer I know. But I was fighting deeply-entrenched family values where divorce isn't an option) Although I thought I felt I was dying (literally my heart ached), I feel I have learned a lot about myself and I have grown stronger. I was weak when I met xMM. I was a coward to not face the poor state of my marriage first before entering an EA. I wanted to know what love is and felt like I found it. I know he loved me but he is a coward too. He is staying on the safe road which is all he knows. It won't be as exciting without romantic love in it. I'm taking the untraveled road and will explore and enjoy all that it has to offer me. If I happen to meet someone who I can talk to, share our interests together and look into each other's eyes with love, then I will grab his hand and we can be FREE to skip happily to our future.

 

Happy Stillmore I really hope you get there and find the strength to reach out and grab yourself a life you are 100 per cent happy with xxx I do now believe it is in all of us to do it and no matter how scary it seems once the initial blow/strike whatever is out there it gets easier to move it along.

 

In the midst of all this last 5 weeks I also turned 40 I had to cancel the holiday myself and OH had arranged and cancel joint family celebrations. It hurt but I faced it and did it and made new plans. Although it was a little tainted and dirtied because of what happened I still has a blast. Instead of grabbing the life begins philosphy I also gave myself a kick up the butt and said this is it lady..... The interval is over! This is the second part of your life now there is not repeat peformance. I have raised my son, sorted my career etc, time now for me to strive to only do the things I wish to do and enjoy myself more. From now on anything I am not comfortable or happy with I am not giving my time over to and the minute I realise that I will walk away.

 

I want to see the Northern Lights. Today I opened an account to start squirreling a little away into. It make take years but if it does its years of something to concentrate and work towards that is something I have always wanted to do and is my dream trip of a lifetime. I am though working now towards making it happen. For the first time in my life I am finally seeing that anything is possible if you stop thinking about it and make it happen. Which leads to the below..........

 

I also went and got a tattoo on my arm. It sums up everything to me so well simply the words...... Don't dream it, Be it. I do confess to the Rocky Horror also being one of my guilty secrets lol but still think the quote says everything xx

 

If someone special comes along when I am least expecting it to share these times with that is brilliant. If they dont then I will make my own happy times and memories xx I have never been one to always need a relationship but over my younger years always thought it was more normal to look for a life partner or be in one. Sometimes sacrificing my own happiness to comply and keep family etc happy. Now I see that is totally not true.

Edited September 10, 2013 by maidai

[tiernan]

I think I have a relapse today, couldn't sleep and feel awful. I have been thinking of him and pain is overwhelming. Life is so deprived of sense. When I read about how you are moving forward I am envious. You are so strong. I am about the same age and have a feeling of losing best years of my life.

[maidai]

I think I have a relapse today, couldn't sleep and feel awful. I have been thinking of him and pain is overwhelming. Life is so deprived of sense. When I read about how you are moving forward I am envious. You are so strong. I am about the same age and have a feeling of losing best years of my life.

 

I wish I could give you a hug.... All you have to remember is that some of the best days of your life have not yet happened. Hang onto that. You have a beautiful future even if you end up facing it alone. You will have people in your life who love and care for you. Confide in them and let them hold you up, call them, talk it through but only allow yourself to discuss it for so long then discuss making plans and meeting up and doing something fun with them for yourself.

 

I tried to remember also everytime I felt down that there are people out there facing much worse. Young people with illnesses who may not have tomorrow and would give everything to have mine and to make better use of it than I was when I was feeling bereft and just existing not living x

 

If you can not sleep trying doing something to focus your mind, get up and watch a film or read a book and when you feel more relaxed try to sleep again x

[ConcreteHeart]

Maidai. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I hope to be where you are 6 weeks from now. It has been a painful experience and I am just trying at this point to keep swimming with my head above water. It hurts, but it is my time to break through the pain, instead of trying to get around it. I cried hard yesterday and felt much better, but when you can only cry in your car when driving it becomes a little dangerous!

[happy stillmore]

Maidai,

Fabulous post. Everything you said is true. I'm working towards a goal myself. My goal is to buy my own house. First, I'm working towards making a life of my own. Moving out and being able to support myself will be a first in my life. I have always depended on someone. I'm going to be 44 and I'm afraid at times that I already lost the best time of my life. I know that in reality the best times may lie in my future. When I realized I do have options, it made me get over xMM easier. I was looking at him as my only means to happiness. He does not have the ability to see the big picture. He never could. When I look back, I can see many instances where he could only see the present. He took the easy road but I seriously believe he will always wonder what life could have been like. I made him choose (I already knew the choice he would make) when I got fed up with settling for the breadcrumbs. He chose to stay there with his wife and grown daughters, not really thinking of when the girls move out and it is just him and his wife. If he is truly happy and in love, good for him. I don't believe it but that is the choice he made. (He loves his W but not as a companion. She mothers him.) Anyway, I am moving on and living my life MY way. I'm going to be free to be me. I actually pity him in a way. What an existence it is to live your life for others and not for yourself. To give up your dreams. Because that is what it is: existing if you are not LIVING your life the way you choose. Thanks again Maidai for your inspiring words!

[happy stillmore]

Tiernan,

Just a suggestion, you may want to valerian tea. It is supposed to have sedative properties. Also, try yoga. It is good for the mind and body. The exercise may help you sleep better.

[maidai]

Maidai,

I actually pity him in a way. What an existence it is to live your life for others and not for yourself. To give up your dreams. Because that is what it is: existing if you are not LIVING your life the way you choose. Thanks again Maidai for your inspiring words!

 

It is THIS exactly! Hold on to that then put it in perspective with your own life and the changes you want to make and it will help you move on fulfilling your own dreams and desires.

 

I still cringe now at the sonic boom that hit, my Dad passing away 2000 miles away and not being able to get out there and lay him to rest and then boom another bang and my relationship was gone. It felt like someone had ripped my insides out and my brain and body just switched down into an automatic pilot of misery.

 

My Dad is at peace now. He lived and died in a country that made him happy. My Dad lived his life to please himself. I can not mourn a life that was SO well lived and I see that I have to be more like this.

 

As for my OH. What have I seen?

 

I have seen him go back to a controlling woman who repeatedly cheated and had numerous affairs. She is materialistic and shallow and thinks only of sofa's, kitchens, cars. They do nothing together, they go nowhere together, they dont even take their kids to the park together or have a family holiday. I am realising now he is similar. He was not missing her or the kids he missed the idea he has that *this* is a lifestyle. He never shut up going on about how he missed the car, never her.

 

I have seen him sell all of his hobby equiptment because she wont allow him to partake.

 

I have seen him stuck in looking after the children whilst they work opposing shifts.

 

I have heard that she is screaming in the background when his phone rings and its his children! Asking who it is and give me the phone. His kids have now walked away.

 

His family have walked away. His friends have walked away.

 

He works, he goes home, he exists only to please *her*. His and his families words were he has to walk on eggshells around her to stop her blowing up.

 

I have been out more times the last 6 weeks than the last 2 years. I have walked a challenging walk to raise funds, I have celebrated my 40th birthday for a whole weekend with friends having travelled country wide and a group of around 30 of us. I am climbing a mountain. I am saving for a dream trip of a lifetime. I have had my inspirational tattoo. I have done work around the house basic stuff to make it *my* home again not a show home. I have swum, cycled, done circuit training and lost a stone. I have booked a holiday for next year with friends and already arranged to do a mile long zip line 500ft above the ground next year. I am flying free literally.

 

On my death bed I would rather my friends were gathered saying *hell woman you ripped up life and spat it out* than..... *gosh you did not half settle and by the way nice kitchen*

 

Single whatever. I am not alone and I know who out of the two of us I would rather be and I am glad that its me. If he was not such an ass I would whole heartedly feel sorry for him, I do but he does not deserve my pity.

Edited September 11, 2013 by maidai

[tiernan]

Maidai, you are an example to follow. I am not there yet as I said, I am not even able to call my xmm an *******. It is different with him in that his wife is completely helpless creature who only can cry and beg and being a victim. She had no other weapons against him but her children - and she used them fully - and he was stupid enough not to see the manipulation. I have always wanted to stay away and not to interfere, but some things were just driving me mad. Like she was cutting him off the teenage daughter claiming the daughter will fall to pieces after seeing or even talking to her father. She never let him forget she is a unit with children - so if he wants to have them, he needs to have her back. The pulling was constant, but in times he started to get weakened. When the divorce started to proceed he realised more fully his money situation. She has never worked and all the children went to boarding schools. When he is married due to his work the state is paying for this. After the divorce is final he needs to pay himself. And the annual cost of such school is much more than he earns net. He never told me it is about the money and he will never admit it. But it is so much about the lifestyle you you have just said yourself. Duty over love. I hope I will start to see all his deficiencies and be able to say what an ******* - I trully don;t want him in my life anymore.

 

Happy stillmore - I keep my fingers crossed for your dream to come true. I am sure you can make it. How long have you been on NC? You seem to moving forward. Good luck to you. All the best.

[happy stillmore]

Tiernan,

Thank you for your words of support. I have been NC for 3 months. It is hard to believe. It is getting easier. I am starting to see him differently. I hate that I trusted him so and worry I may never trust again. I find when I'm in the car alone, driving to/from work is the hardest. I think a lot of what he is thinking and whether he is happy. I think of what a waste it would be if he was miserable and I also think, if he is truly happy, then he must have been a liar all along. I'm much better off without him if this is the case.

 

Your situation is a lot like mine. His wife was co-dependent. She could not handle life without him. She also used their girls (ages 25, 23 & 19). Made him feel like they would never talk to him again if he "abandoned" them (her words). He failed to see that he still have a relationship with them if he had become honest with them. Moved out and told them the truth. They would be hurt but in time, will slowly recover their relationship. The girls all went to private school from K-12. Still owe a lot on their mortgage. It came down to money as well because his wife convinced him she would not be able to afford the mortgage