Why don't dumpers who want to stay friends don't have the same problems as dumpee's?

[Farsight]

Hi everyone,

 

If you get dumped it hurts to stay friends.

Why do dumpers don't have the same problem?

They have association with a broken up relationship the same as the dumpee.

Let take for the sake of argument that they really want to stay friends.

 

Do they reintepret all there memory's so they don't veel love anymore? I find this a fascinating paradox.

 

How do dumpers do this?

[Philosoraptor]

The dumpers usually aren't making a split second decision. They often have taken their time to get to this conclusion, thus have found both acceptance and closure with the situation. The dumpee is just finding it out right then therefore are much less likely to be in any emotional place to start a true friendship.

[sierra_victoria]

From my point of view, the dumpers move on long ago before letting the dumpee know it’s over, that's why a supposed friendship wouldn't affect them as much as it would affect the dumpee (who usually is still puzzeled by what happened).

[Chi townD]

Raptor is spot on. The one thing about dumpers, is that they have made the decision to leave long before they do. So, they've already mourned the loss of the relationship even before they have actually pulled the trigger and dumped you.

 

Therefore, they are much farther in the healing process than we are when they dump us. That they feel comfortable enough to ask that we remain friends when they dump us. But, what they fail to realize is that they just blew our world apart and it's just stupid to ask something like that.

[sierra_victoria]

they feel comfortable enough to ask that we remain friends when they dump us. But, what they fail to realize is that they just blew our world apart and it's just stupid to ask something like that.

 

I'd just like to add that some dumpers feel guilty, even though they don't really care about the dumpee - and that's why they come up with this "let's be friends" idea, it sorta makes them feel better about themselves.

[Farsight]

Maybe, my dumper didn't I guess. Maybe she got used to the idear 2 weeks later then she asked me. I already was thinking to go NC. Now I am almost certain.

[AllTooWell]

You can't make absolute statements about something that varies so much.

 

In many cases I think the dumper DOES have issues staying friends. I know in my situation it was very hard for my ex to see me as just a friend, he didn't want me to be with other people, he couldn't just hang out with me and not end up upset/crying because he missed me, that kind of thing, yet he was the dumper.

 

 

It just depends. A lot of times when you get dumped, the dumper has been sitting on those feelings for a while and finally got the courage to break it off. However, there are definitely some where the breakup is less planned and more difficult for both sides.

[BC1980]

In my case, there were three reasons: guilt initially, then it moved to wanting companionship and trying to keep me as a backup. I think any of these reasons can be valid for any other relationship.

 

In my case, I think there was some guilt, so my ex initially said let's be friends. I think he didn't want to completely abandon me, and he felt offering friendship was some sort of consolation. I think he did it from a good place at first, but I found it very insulting. He even made the comment, "I'm not leaving you." But you see, he had left me emotionally. He tried to substitute an offer for friendship for what we had to placate his own conscience.

 

I also think it became selfish, on his part, as time went on. We were very compatible and had a lot of fun together. He kept up the breadcrumbs because he wanted that fun part of our relationship with no commitment. He wanted to see me and do all the fun things we used to do but without a relationship attached.

 

I think he also wanted a companion to talk to. Suddenly, there wasn't anyone at home that cared about how his day at work had gone. There wasn't anyone there to eat dinner with. So cue the breadcrumbs, and he naturally turned to me.

 

In the end, he wanted to keep me as backup while he decided what to do with his life. The last I talked to him over 2 weeks ago, I requested NC much to his surprise. He kept saying how he didn't know our future, there was still hope, he couldn't sell the engagement ring back because he just didn't know. In other words, total BS.

[hotpotato]

Just to add a few...

 

*They want you around just in case their new relationship fails. I promise, most dumpers already have someone or are reactivating their Okcupid accounts. They want you as their safety net.

 

*Also, they want to know you still care. Many people play into this and beg and plead. I dont.

 

*They want to keep tabs on you.

 

*Even if they dump you, they dont always want to lose you overnight. I guess this piggy backs on you being the safety net for their new relationship. I could have called my ex days after he dumped me, and we would have talked for hours as Iif nothing changed. In fact, he called me in the a.m. after he dumped me, something he never did while we were together. They are betting that you like them so much you will be there to fulfill their emotional and sexual needs even after they give you the old heave ho.

Edited September 9, 2013 by hotpotato

[forgetmenot75]

Because dumpers don't have the affect dumpees have. Dumpers might want to be friends because they feel guilty, or because they think you're nice. But for no ulterior motive

Dumpees have affect and want more, thus a friend thing relationship will always leave them hurt/ dissatisfied.

[AlexanderJames]

It's probably already been said but they have all the power. They hold the cards and they're making the decisions.

 

If you meant a lot to them chances are they're hurting like you. But they're doing what you need to be doing and pitting themselves first.

[melell]

Soon after my breakup my ex asked if we could still be together but live separately and see each other only once a week.

 

After 8 years living together. Needless to say I could see right through this.

 

Based on my situation..

 

They want comfort, they want to feel good, they don't want to feel like failures, they don't want to lose you, and they still want everyone to like them.

 

They flip and flop a bit at that start. But the underlining factor remains. They don't want you.