xxsilverdragonxx Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Short story - my exgf broke up with me a month ago - (other posts) Sometimes my mind battles with itself, fighting basically for a lost cause. I'm hoping this gets better, because in the last major relationship I had, it(the mind-battling) bascially destroyed my will, interests, motivation..what have you. This time around it seems to be going better...but now when something slips into my mind about my ex, my brain trys to figure it out and understand the non-understandable. I know that I don't know what exactly caused my ex to break up. We had small problems, and the last few months of the 'ship she started pulling farther away. Ok, so I realize that. Now thats gone, I'm ready to move on....well...its not so easy as so many have said here. Even though it doesn't bother me too much that she jumped to another guy about a day before we officially ended it, it makes me so angry that she would do something like that to me, at the time her companion and someone she knew loved her very much. I certainly could not start a relationship that had any meaning a day or weekend right after I broke up with someone I talked about marriage with. I guess that showed me her true worth, her true personality that I had failed to see sometime in the year and half we spent together. Of course she was nice and diplomatic about the breakup, and since has told me to talk to her sometime....But I don't think I can forgive her for not having a deeper respect for what we accomplished together, or the wonderful time we shared, just to give up on it when it doesn't work out. I feel that anger will just well up, and since I won't go up to her and start yelling about how s***ty she is, I don't know how to get that anger out. It just wants to sit there, making it harder and harder to continue a new life. I also think I bash myself a lot because of the pent up feelings. When I got over an "episode", I laughed at myself for thinking and getting depressed because I was trying to convince myself I was the single point of failure in the relationship. Crap. In my mind and heart she failed "us". I gave all my heart to this child of a woman, and she took it, massaged it a little, and then threw it up in the air. I don't hate her, she isn't an enemy, but I am worried about my mental state when I have these episodes, as in I don't want them to last for days like they have been. And I certainly don't want this anger to consume me to the point where I'll have issues with this in another relationship.
Pocky Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 If you don't want to be angry, then stop being angry. You're not at the mercy of your own mind. We can control our impulsive nature and stop ourselves from behaving in a manner we prefer not to behave. That is, if you really want to. This appears to be your defense mechanism (anger). Only thing I can say is every suffers in life and although it may be hard to see the positive side there will be one. If you want to focus on the anger, resentment and pain then you'll just perpetuate your own misery. Accept what has happened, come to terms with the reality that people change and no one can truly promise to love you forever. Be thankful you experienced what you experienced. In all honesty, life could be so much more worse, couldn't it? As far as her dating as soon as you broke up, you need to consider a woman's point of view. Generally, women mentally and emotionally leave a relationship far before they ever walk out, so while you're just starting to deal with the reality of what has happened, she has probably dealt with it months before. It's not so much that she got over the relationship quicker than you, she just got over it before she even walked out the door.
GirlDown Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 i agree with pocky. the last time i broke up with a boyfriend, i knew i was going to, i just didn't know how and so it took me a while to figure out how to do it without hurting him. people rarely break up with someone for the sole purpose of hurting them by moving onto someone esle. sometimes you think you might want to break up, but you're not 100% sure. so you think it over, and over. some days you think it's all a mistake and it comes to you that you actually don't want to break up after all. then, just as quickly, you are ready to break it off again. it happens. when one person breaks up with another, it often is after days, weeks, months, maybe even years of deliberation: weighing of pros and cons, fluctuating beween decisions before reaching a final one, and then trying to find what seems like the best, painless way to do it.
Author xxsilverdragonxx Posted November 18, 2004 Author Posted November 18, 2004 Originally posted by GirlDown the last time i broke up with a boyfriend, i knew i was going to, i just didn't know how and so it took me a while to figure out how to do it without hurting him. I thinks thats about how my relationship ended, except I was on the other side. But because of the time it took for her to decide, it did end up hurting me, mainly because I could see her drifting away, yet she wouldn't attempt to talk about her feelings with me. She just closed off. On the other hand, it would be a lot harder for if she had in fact just woke up one day and ended it. At least I saw it coming somewhat.
GirlDown Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 i had a lot of resentment toward my ex-boyfriend because while i didn't want to hurt him, he obviously could tell something was up. if he would have asked me what was going on, i may have told him sooner because i wouldn't be able to lie about it. but instead of approaching me about it, he let it go. let me be quiet on the phone, say "i love you" without feeling, and avoid visiting him when i moved an hour away. i am guessing he figured if it wasn't mentioned, our break-up wouldn't happen. but in turn he frustrated me, because i thought two things: 1. why would he want to be with someone who was not as into him as he was with me? 2. was it that all he cared about was that we were together, regrdless of how i felt about it? i still get annoyed when i think about it. it seems selfish. i was trying to figure out a way to break it off and hurt him as little as possible, while he was trying to keep me with him regardless of my pretty obvious desre to be alone, or, without him. it's difficult to respect someone who doesn't respect himself enough to say "i'm not letting you do this to me"
Author xxsilverdragonxx Posted November 19, 2004 Author Posted November 19, 2004 [color=blue]GirlDown[/color] - Yeah, I can see that if one partner, or even both, see that something is wrong, both should question it, talk about it, but something needs to happen. Otherwise you get what happened in your situation, and I get what happened to me. The thing in my situation, was that I knew things were not going well, and I tried to talk to her seriously, but by then I guess she had already made her mind up. But of course, I was told I was the one who wasn't listening, and made to feel like I wasn't trying to repair our problems. I hated getting to that part in our relationship where it was tested majorly, and she couldn't or wouldn't attempt any repair. But that was her decision, and there was nothing I could do. She won't realize this, but she lost way more than I did. She lost a life-companion, an actual caring guy that loved her immensley. What I lost was a immature girl afraid of committing.
GirlDown Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 but still. it's not the lack of comittal that makes her immature. she just wasn't willing to commit to you. and that's okay. you don't need that anyway. this will allow you to find someone who does want to be with you, no questions asked. and if that doesn't work too, then you find someone else. the point is, someone is out there for you. the chance of you finding them as soon as you want to is minimal, and the more chances you give yourself, the better chances you have of actually finding that person. i wish you luck.
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