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More Likely To Be Serial Killer than Right Guy

Leigh 87

By Leigh 87
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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
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I have revised the way I view men and dating. What do you think?

 

Also, ok, seriously: what are the odds of it working out, when you are about to go on a date with a guy who seems like a great match and who you have sparks with from meeting in the past.

It sounds like there are so many guys who pretend they like you to get sex, who lie to you, who are not who they seem, and are sociopaths. Among other things.

Ugh! It seems annoying how it is MORE likely that they will be a serial killer, than a guy who is head over heals for you and who YOU feel the same way about:lmao:

 

I met a guy 3 years ago. A day or two after I met my ex boyfriend.

He was a MUCH better match for me than my ex.

However, fate dictated that I met Andrew first, and met this other guy second.

I stuck with Andrew, as I could not leave him and, for one reason or another, had to see what happened with us.

I was tempted to leave Andrew for the first month or so for this guy, based on how Andrew treated me and handled the relationship, but I didn't.

Turns out, I needed to pick the wrong guy, as it taught me that me loving him and him genuinely thinking he was in love with me, was NOT enough.

 

Well, this guy got into contact with me today.

 

Even though I only met him once 3 years ago, I still get a spark when we talk.

I either have it with a guy from the start, or I don't.

He loves all the things I do; spending his time bushwalking, hiking, on the beach, camping and going on adventures.

He has a degree in IT but works as a landscaper because he prefers the out doors.

He has made a few sexual comments, and I said that only guys who are after sex normally make any inference to sexual things early on.

He said he can get sex tomorrow if he wanted to (he is tall/good looking). That he would love a relationship, but is very happy on his own too. That if he just wanted sex, he could go get it, without bothering hanging out and getting to know a girl.

 

So yeah. I realise he is probably a creep, but I am a romantic and want to at least give him a chance.

I get " butterflies" when he texts, based on out interaction 3 years ago.

I know I will be okay now, if he turns out to be a jerk.

UGH. But, in all likeliness, he is FAR more likely to be a: pervert, a liar, a sociopath or a psychopath, than he is the right guy for me:lmao:

Seriously! It is, according to statistics, VERY unlikely... HIGHLY unlikely that he will actually prove to be a guy that is crazy for me, who I am crazy for and who ends up being the right guy for me:lmao:

 

I have decided to not put all my eggs in one basket.

I have met a guy I had those immediate, fairy take sparks with, who it soon fizzled out with.

I realise that, just because you feel sparks for a guy immediately and THEY seem to really feel it too, and they ACT into you initially, that you have to get to know them over a few months to KNOW they are worth being exclusive with.

 

I never multi dated before, however, in light of my recent experience, a switch has flipped; even when EVERYHTING seems perfect, even to people on the outside, you just CANNOT trust people these days! And you cannot TRUST that something that starts SO passionate and wonderful, will LAST more than a month or two!

 

So I have a guy I am casually dating who is wonderful. I just wouldn't care if he found someone else tomorrow. Sure, my ego would hurt for half a second, that he found someone he felt strong enough about to be with, and it was not me. But I would not feel hurt or upset.

It is fun.

He drives hours to see me. He texts every time we see each other and I go home, to see if I arrive home safe. He said goodnight gorgeous. He says I am gorgeous and makes it clear he really likes me.

He cuddles and kisses me non stop when we are together.

He says I am addictive and acts like it.

 

He says he is open to a relationship with me.

 

He wants me to attend his birthday drinks and meet his friends.

 

However, he says he feels somewhat broken from his past long relationship, and not able to easily feel things for girls and he does not want to jump into a serious relationship at a past pace; though he is not ruling it out at all.

He thinks we are both out of long term relationships, and therefore, we both need time before we jump into anything serious too fast.

He says he is indifferent about me seeing other people, but he does not want to know about it, either.

 

I did not have that initial spark with this guy, but I had talked to him online before meeting him and I LOVE His personality.

I did not want to kiss him at first, even though I was attracted to him.

By 3 or 4 meetings though, I cannot stop wanting to kiss him!!

So yeah. Without the INSTANT " I want to kiss you" spark, I have got the SAME spark, but after a few meetings with him.

 

I used to think you just met the right person, and if you're into them enough, you tend to know early on and you immediately rule things out with other people.

There are just so many liars these days though, that I can't trust people until the relationship feels genuine.

Edited by Leigh 87
Dusk1983 Established Member

Dusk1983

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What do you think?

 

I think you need help.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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I think you need help.

 

 

 

Well I don't think anything I wrote is off colour.

 

I conduct myself well around guys I see. I have learnt from past mishaps.

 

No one picks up on me being crazy. Guys continue to date me time after time of late. I don't do or say anything that is not normal:lmao:

 

 

 

 

Can I only have constructive advice please?

 

About my theory on dating and how unlikely it is to find the right person versus just settling?

 

I think my attitude is fairly sound these days.

The Shepherd Established Member

The Shepherd

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I think you need help.

 

I feel like half of the people on here live in a part of the world where every other guy is a serial killer.

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I think you are turning into me :love:

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Well ET, it IS so freakin' unlikely to:

 

- feel the initial spark with a guy

- be compatible with long term

- the guy you have the spark with and are compatible with to not only be after sex. Because having a spark and being compatible does NOT mean a guy feels the level of emotions towards you to make them want a relationship.

 

- even a guy who you have the it factor with can be a liar or change his feelings.

 

It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to find a guy who is not only super attracted to you and who has a spark with you, yet is still compatible with long term, and who is also head over heals for you.

 

Not to mention:

 

- does not have mental illness that alters his otherwise " perfect" thing he has with you.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
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I feel like half of the people on here live in a part of the world where every other guy is a serial killer.

 

 

 

Well, all the great, normal guys are probably taken by my age, mid to late 20's....

 

Or they want a partner who is super attractive and is amazing to them with a good job and a good life for themselves, since the great guys have loads of women to pick from.

 

I am pretty much resigned to the fact I stay single for many years.

 

I am fine with it, because I am really happy in my life, and while it would be nice to come across that rare gem of a man who is right for me....

 

I would much rather be where I am NOW, than to settle for a guy because I am perpetually single.

 

I get all the cuddles and attention I need with the current guy I am casually dating. Without having to invest in him, since it is not likely I will be "it" for him.

 

I would rather enjoy myself for the time being with casual dating, than expect anything long term to amount from it.

HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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Ok, I'm betting your joking about the serial killer...right? Besides that I understand EXACTLY how you feel! It just seems like its impossible to meet a good guy with no alterior motive. You get all caught up and believe their lies only to get let down. But what you have to do is learn from experience. You've learned that most will lie to get what they want in the first few months, so you learn to watch for their ACTIONS not words. You've learned you got screwed putting all your eggs in one basket, so you date several guys at a time and see who is worth investing in. What you don't do is have an attitude of, well I'm never gonna find him anyway because with that attitude you never will. So pick yourself up dust yourself off and use all the tools you've learned from dating the wrong men.

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carhill Established Member

carhill

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He says he is indifferent about me seeing other people, but he does not want to know about it, either.

 

Canary, for anyone interested in a LTR. However, as your interest is in casual associations, not a problem.

 

All the rest is normal for a young person. Time will bring the extremes described in your topic title to a more median view of people.

 

What you described here can be, for some men, years apart in experiencing, so revel in it and learn from it. Good luck.

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I just think you need to fix your man picker and really learn to relate to and understand men. The women who have the most successful relationships know how to relate to men and vice versa. There is a happy medium between thinking every man is the one and looking at every man with suspicion.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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I think:

 

You have to keep a head/heart balance. You tend to get wrapped up in the heart-part, and your head flies out the window. YES, pay attention to how he makes you feel, how you want to kiss him, whether he seems to be crazy about you.

 

But ALSO pay attention to his integrity. His compatibility with you when it comes to values, goals, humor, interests, relationship expectations. What your relationship is like when you aren't kissing.

 

With your ex, I remember how you used to justify his past choices, when it was so very obvious (to me) that it was in contradiction to who you are and what you want. You so wanted him to be the one, you were willing to overlook some major incompatibilities.

 

Whether you date one guy or many at a time doesn't matter to me. What matters is that you keep your head screwed on straight and are willing to walk away from a guy if he doesn't fit with you - EVEN IF he does amazing things to your heart and/or body.

 

Also - keep your self-esteem out of it. How much he wants you is important in moving forward in a relationship, but if a guy ISN'T crazy about you, it doesn't mean you are undesirable or that it is your fault in any way.

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KathyM Established Member

KathyM

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I think there are a lot of men who will be disingenuous and say whatever they think you want to hear in order to get you to drop your panties. And as soon as you do, they will move on to the next naïve woman who will fall for their lines. That's why you should be a bit skeptical of men who are over-the-top with their expression of feelings for you too early on, and wait to see if they are in it for an actual relationship. You remind me of one of my clients, who gets infatuated with a man from Date 1, has sex on Date 1 or 2, and then can't understand why he disappears shortly thereafter. He's moved on to the next conquest. Learning self control and how to test a man's motives, as well as guarding your heart until you've gotten to know the real person behind the initial infatuation would be some good skills for you to work on.

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HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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"Learning self control and how to test a man's motives, as well as guarding your heart until you've gotten to know the real person behind the initial infatuation would be some good skills for you to work on."

 

This needs to be a post by itself! So true! Nobody is perfect but you see this time and time again if women learned this we would probably illiminate 70% of our relationship woes right off the bat!

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curlygirl40 Established Member

curlygirl40

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Well ET, it IS so freakin' unlikely to:

 

- feel the initial spark with a guy

- be compatible with long term

- the guy you have the spark with and are compatible with to not only be after sex. Because having a spark and being compatible does NOT mean a guy feels the level of emotions towards you to make them want a relationship.

 

- even a guy who you have the it factor with can be a liar or change his feelings.

 

It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to find a guy who is not only super attracted to you and who has a spark with you, yet is still compatible with long term, and who is also head over heals for you.

 

Not to mention:

 

- does not have mental illness that alters his otherwise " perfect" thing he has with you.

 

So this is EXACTLY why you need to proceed cautiously when you're first dating someone. Not that I'm liking the comparison to serial killers, but saying that unfortunately you need to always be on guard, always be a little skeptical, always give people a chance but keep your cards close to your chest. At first. Once someone has proven themselves or qualified themselves so to speak (like we will also need to do for them, remember everyone else has gone through issues also and can be skeptical if we are really who we say as well) only then can you trust a relationship going forward.

 

If instead of throwing yourself in each time and thinking he might be 'the one' it's good to be skeptical until they have proven themselves and you have gotten to know each other better. This is why slow is good. For both parties.

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FitChick Established Member

FitChick

Posted
Posted
Well ET, it IS so freakin' unlikely to:

 

- feel the initial spark with a guy

- be compatible with long term

- the guy you have the spark with and are compatible with to not only be after sex. Because having a spark and being compatible does NOT mean a guy feels the level of emotions towards you to make them want a relationship.

 

- even a guy who you have the it factor with can be a liar or change his feelings.

 

It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to find a guy who is not only super attracted to you and who has a spark with you, yet is still compatible with long term, and who is also head over heals for you.

 

Not to mention:

 

- does not have mental illness that alters his otherwise " perfect" thing he has with you.

 

If you believe everything you wrote, why are you even dating?

thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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You need a man(or a boy) break....seriously...

 

TFY

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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You need a man(or a boy) break....seriously...

 

TFY

 

 

Says you.

 

I am casually dating. It is not hurting me.

 

I am not falling for men early on like I did with the last guy. I don't see what he big deal is here. I have learnt enough about men from here to not get hurt too readily.

 

Especially since I am only CASUALLY dating for now. Read: CASUALLY dating men for a fair while, before a relationship ever comes up.

 

I am basically getting the perks of a relationship (kissing, cuddling and dates) without investing much in a guy.

 

To me, that is a man break really. I am not having any relationships for a while.

 

The guy I am casually dating thinks I am awesome, but he is not head over heals for me, and he will not ever likely grow to want an actual relationship with me.

 

It is just a guy to hug, kiss and go on dates with basically.....

 

I am spending time with men who really LIKE me, but I am not investing in men who are crazy about me enough to want a relationship with me.

 

The current guy, I get he sense that he likes me a lot, is SUPER attracted to me and I am definitely enough for him to CONSIDER relationship material...

 

..yet I can tell there is just something missing from his part, to want a serious relationship with me.

 

So. We are just casually dating; two people who really like each other, but just not enough to have a relationship. We will just fizzle things out once we get bored of it or find someone who we feel we have a better chance at a relationship with.

 

...............................................................................

 

 

My self esteem is more intact these days. I definitely FEEL that it is not a personal affront to ME, when a guy likes me a lot and wants to spend time with me for MORE than just sex; yet does not feel crazy about me for a relationship.

Right now, the cute guy I have dated? He is majorly attracted to me physically, he thinks I am gorgeous, he REALLY seems to like me...

 

But he just doesn't want a relationship with me, in my opinion, from the vibe I get so far.

 

I do not feel it is a bad reflection of me; I am just not it for him.

 

It will damn hard for him, and all other men for that matter, to FIND the girl who IS "it" for him. The fact it is not me is not a bad thing. It is to be expected. Finding the right person SHOULD take a long time, unless you settle for the wrong person cos you are sick of being single.

 

And I do not make a guy "it" for me too fast, either, and therefore I have zero investment in this current casual guy.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
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I just think you need to fix your man picker and really learn to relate to and understand men. The women who have the most successful relationships know how to relate to men and vice versa. There is a happy medium between thinking every man is the one and looking at every man with suspicion.

 

 

 

oh I do believe there are plenty of nice men to go around, for sure!

 

The odds are just not high of me not only coming across a genuinely decent and nice man, and for me to be attracted to him OR feel a spark with him, for him to be single AND for him to also be attracted to me.

 

MOST people "settle" for partners who they are not initially that attracted to, and who they " get to know" first.

 

Where as, my best friend met the love of her life at a club, A GAY club actually; THEY had a huge spark initially, and they have been inseparable for months since.

 

I just know that, like most people, I will likely have to be single for most of my life, or SETTLE for a guy I do not feel any spark with!

 

I am not a man hater. I do think there are a lot of nice guys out there.....

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Canary, for anyone interested in a LTR. However, as your interest is in casual associations, not a problem.

 

All the rest is normal for a young person. Time will bring the extremes described in your topic title to a more median view of people.

 

What you described here can be, for some men, years apart in experiencing, so revel in it and learn from it. Good luck.

 

 

 

Yes. Oh, this guy really seemed into me in a large way, but he is not crazy ENOUGH about me to care if I am loyal to him or not. That is very telling.

 

I know we have only JUST met each other. He tends to think relationships and feelings are VERY slow building. He does not buy into my notion of finding the right girl, and him knowing RIGHT away, or early on.

 

He thinks it would take time to even know he has the right girl.

 

Personally, I think he WILL meet a girl, where straight away, within the first week or two, he WILL NOT be indifferent to her seeing other men.

 

 

....................We have known each other for exactly ONE week.

 

 

............... DO you buy it, when he says " it takes time to really get to know your true feelings for a girl, and know if things are heading in a serious direction"

 

Or do you think he WILL meet a girl, and within a week, know she "is it" for him?

 

 

See, in my mind, he likes me, he is super attracted to me and he loves going on dates with me without the sex; but he is not into me enough to want to BE with me, since he is INDIFFERNT about me being with other men.

 

Things went well when we met. I cannot really imagine how things could possibly have gone BETTER, say, with someone else.

 

I guess with me, there is just something missing. And there won't be that something missing with the right girl for him?

carhill Established Member

carhill

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IMO, enjoy the now. Don't analyze. Don't worry about what you or he will do next week. That's what casual is. If he meets 'the one', he does. If you meet 'the one', you do. It can't be known in advance so leave it for the future to handle.

 

If he develops 'true' feelings for you and/or you likewise, deal with it if and when it happens. Refrain from projecting into the future. That's the plan.

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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

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The initial spark is very compelling, but it means nothing long term. And I'm not saying that if you feel an initial spark it necessarily means it won't work out, I'm just saying that an initial spark means nothing. In other words, the chances of a long term relationship happening from someone you 'sparked' with right away is the same as someone that you don't feel a spark with right away.

 

Or maybe even less, as 'sparking' tends to lessen one's judgment when it comes to overall compatibility. We are "crazy" for someone, which literally means our mental faculties are diminished. We start to make excuses for the other person or make them fit into what we deem compatible. Or we admit that they're opposite, but that somehow "balances" us etc. We make up stories in our mind because we are infatuated.

 

If someone genuinely wants a long term, monogamous relationship, they would do well to stop focusing on the 'spark' and start focusing on compatibility.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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What you really need to do is to stop your internal conversation to the point where you will be able to actually experience, absorb and get an honest feel for what you're actually doing at any given time.

 

Actually, the chance of "him" being a serial killer OR the "right guy" are neither very great.

 

I don't even really think that you, or anyone, has to be "on guard" so much as they have to take the time to KNOW the person and what they're about.

 

You focus SO much on whether he "wants you badly" enough and all the sparks. Well, I agree with you that those things are important. But what about the things he brings that are not even about making you feel good? I mean, like HIS character, life experience, work ethic, creativity, passion (not sexual), etc.

 

You will never get to know a person on a deeper level if you can't or won't stop talking to yourself long enough to pay attention to them and to what's going on.

 

Also … you are casually dating "now"? Whew. You move fast. How many casual dates have you been on in about one week? Because it was not much further back than that that you were getting serious.

 

 

 

 

I am not hoping for anything serious right now.

 

I am in the process of learning to get to know guys, and what their about.

 

Like Carhill said: I am going with the flow. I'm never averse to getting serious if it turns out to be the right guy. At the same time, I know its unlikely that this guy is the right guy.

 

I used to think that, when a man is " head over heals " for you, he knows quiet early on.

 

I am starting to change my tune. I suppose some guys who feel that way about you take time to fully realize it.

 

It just seems like, on top of finding a guy who is nuts about me, it will be extremely RARE to not only find a guy who's crazy about me, but have that same guy be a good match for me, based on all the factors you described.

 

I am honestly at peace with the notion of me being perpetually single for a good few years. I feel too many people settle for less than a guy whos head over heals for them, as well as being compatible.

 

It's just going to be a very long time before I come accross the right guy. It just a fact. Most people settle for less than their dreams in men. My dreams are realistic, though.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

Posted
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The initial spark is very compelling, but it means nothing long term. And I'm not saying that if you feel an initial spark it necessarily means it won't work out, I'm just saying that an initial spark means nothing. In other words, the chances of a long term relationship happening from someone you 'sparked' with right away is the same as someone that you don't feel a spark with right away.

 

Or maybe even less, as 'sparking' tends to lessen one's judgment when it comes to overall compatibility. We are "crazy" for someone, which literally means our mental faculties are diminished. We start to make excuses for the other person or make them fit into what we deem compatible. Or we admit that they're opposite, but that somehow "balances" us etc. We make up stories in our mind because we are infatuated.

 

If someone genuinely wants a long term, monogamous relationship, they would do well to stop focusing on the 'spark' and start focusing on compatibility.

 

 

 

 

I am choosing to stay single for what will likely be a very long time, because I don't want a long term relationship without the initial spark.

 

My best friend won the relationship lotto and is in a very loving relationship with a guy who she had the initial spark with.

 

Their relationship is.... just so much better than the couples I know who had no spark and rather " grew" the attraction in place of that natural chemistry.

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted
I am choosing to stay single for what will likely be a very long time, because I don't want a long term relationship without the initial spark.

 

My best friend won the relationship lotto and is in a very loving relationship with a guy who she had the initial spark with.

 

Their relationship is.... just so much better than the couples I know who had no spark and rather " grew" the attraction in place of that natural chemistry.

 

Do you know what the chances of winning the lotto are? If you are waiting to win the lotto for your future relationship - sorry to tell you - but you will likely wait a long, long time (i.e. you will be dead). Plus, you are using one relationship example to make your whole life decision for you (very tiny sample size). I can say with complete honesty that all the people I know that have successful relationships did not get together because of 'spark' but instead grew that attraction over time. The one relationship I know of where they got and stayed together because of the spark is a terrible relationship.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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Well I met a guy the other day also, who I did not have an initial "spark" with, but he seemed like a lovely guy, and he is very interested in me.

 

He texts good morning every day and texts throughout the day.

 

He has a good job, and a calm, stable personality and seems to have not mood disorders I can detect.

 

Even though I did not meet him and think WOW I want to kiss him right NOW, I am still going to continue getting to know him.

 

He seems like a really nice guy. Good looking. Educated. Why not keep seeing him to see if anything develops?

 

I am open to having things grow over time.

 

But my best friend and her guy are CRAZY for each other, and I NEED that.

 

Is it possible to be crazy about one another without that initial infatuation?

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