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Boyfriend played a strange trick on me...is this acceptable? Am I overreacting?

JOYTOME

By JOYTOME
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JOYTOME Member

JOYTOME

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Hello, thanks in advance for reading this. Really need your input here.

 

I've been dating this guy for about 3-4months. Today, he told me that he planned to leave work early so that he could come over to mine and we could spend some time together and I agreed that I'd try to leave work early too. All of a sudden I noticed he had updated his blackberry display picture to that of a female and he also enclosed a "heart" symbol beside the picture. In the past he's put up pics of his female friends on their birthdays with accompanying happy birthday messages and I never really minded- not a big deal. But today I was a bit confused because the picture of the female had no happy birthday message rather a "heart" / love symbol. So I asked him who the lady was; see below for excerpts of our blackberry conversation :

 

Me: who's the girl on your dp? With a heart attached?

Him: Lol at girl. She's my babe (in my country, babe = girlfriend)

Me : lol. Is that a joke?

Him : yeah.

Me : who's she?

Him : :p what is the issue now?

Me: I'm so surprised. You put up a pic of a girl with a heart and I'm asking who she is and you're asking me "whats the issue now?" . Like are you deliberately trying to upset me ?

 

He reads the last message but doesn't respond. Then I called him briefly and the first thing he says is "please please don't start with any trouble in a sarcastic tone...she's my sister, can't you see that she is pregnant?". I then respond saying to him my question is why would you play such a joke on me? Was it necessary? And he goes "no it wasn't, I'm sorry". And I say in response "if I did such a thing to you, would you like it?". His response is "no". So I say goodbye and hang up.

 

Did I over -react? Were my questions justified? Is it normal for guys to play such jokes? Who taunts his girlfriend so disrespectfully? Or am I at fault here for not being jovial enough? I genuinely was confused. I thought it was one of this cases where a girl discovers that a guy is living a double life. I'd never ever do such to my boyfriend ie play such a "joke". How should I proceed from here? Btw he's 27 years old.

 

Thanks so much for your help!

darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

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bad joke, and the way he handled it bad too, just 4 months in and here you are, all wrong

 

he might stop getting uppity when bad jokes go wrong, or he might like winding women up to see what they say, not very men do, just a very few

 

your whole story stinks, you have a 27 yo child for a date, I would date others too, he sounds like a dead loss to me

Edited by darkmoon
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JOYTOME Member

JOYTOME

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Thanks a lot for your response. I'd be grateful to hear a few more comments from other people. I just want to know if I over-reacted or if my reaction was perfectly normal and warranted. I thought it was quite disrespectful...I dont know if I'm too uptight.

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almond Established Member

almond

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A joke is supposed to be funny to both parties. It could possibly be excused as immaturity initially if this is an isolated incident, but once he realised that you were upset, he should have immediately apologised. Responding that way was rude and hurtful.

 

It's not funny. I would never dream of playing a joke like that on my partner, with the intent to make them feel jealous and insecure - why would you do that to someone you care about? And on their birthday? Very poor behaviour, especially for a 27 year old man. The fact that he let it go on, instead of immediately advising that it was a joke is concerning.

 

I do not think you're overreacting - this was incredibly inconsiderate.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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Yes i think it was a game maybe jealousy and it was immature...it also coudl have been with no bad intentions said at all......you should just be honest with him, tell him you felt disrespected and hope that he understands that isnt hwo you want a guy to treat you

 

 

 

he has apologised realized he went too far so forgive him now..dont drag it out or hold on to it...let it go ...it was a mistake to disrespect you.

 

If he is truly sorry he might be a little more careful with what he considers funny or playful and think a bit before he says it.....hopefully...best wishes...deb

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Lansing Established Member

Lansing

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Yeah, I think your over reacting assuming that the rest of the relationship is going well. I have joked around with girls before about my "other" girlfriends.. It just became a running joke between us. Girls laughed along

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JOYTOME Member

JOYTOME

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Thank you all so much for your responses. In this era where terms like "crazy" are used to describe women who react to things, I've become a bit uncertain about what qualifies as a "proportionate response" and a disproportionate response. I'm relieved to learn my rea tion falls within the boundaries of normalcy. Thanks once again for your help.

almond Established Member

almond

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Yeah, I think your over reacting assuming that the rest of the relationship is going well. I have joked around with girls before about my "other" girlfriends.. It just became a running joke between us. Girls laughed along

 

^ I joke with my boyfriend about this too - whenever he does something stupid, "one of my other boyfriends would blah blah." We both find it funny.

 

When you joke with your partners, you both know that it's nothing more than a joke - this was not the case with the OP. I feel that this was more of a game than a joke. He could tell that he genuinely had her concerned, but kept it going. I think that as soon as you realise that the butt of your "joke" is feeling hurt or worried, then you should immediately pull back. He did the opposite, and this is what I find unacceptable.

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JOYTOME Member

JOYTOME

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Yeah, I think your over reacting assuming that the rest of the relationship is going well. I have joked around with girls before about my "other" girlfriends.. It just became a running joke between us. Girls laughed along

 

Thanks Lansing for your response. When you joked around with these girls, did you put up a pic of a female with a heart/ love symbol attached? If he a had jokingly made a comment (maybe during a phone conversation or in person) I'd have laughed it off. But via bbm ( picture and love symbol included) coupled with him ignoring my message? I'm not sure how i was supposed to laugh it off?

almond Established Member

almond

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He may very well have put the profile picture up innocently, but you showed that you were concerned, contacted him for clarification, and he played with you. Not cool.

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JOYTOME Member

JOYTOME

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^ I joke with my boyfriend about this too - whenever he does something stupid, "one of my other boyfriends would blah blah." We both find it funny.

 

When you joke with your partners, you both know that it's nothing more than a joke - this was not the case with the OP. I feel that this was more of a game than a joke. He could tell that he genuinely had her concerned, but kept it going. I think that as soon as you realise that the butt of your "joke" is feeling hurt or worried, then you should immediately pull back. He did the opposite, and this is what I find unacceptable.

 

 

Your message has encapsulated my thoughts. Knowing fully well I was concerned he persisted with his "joke". Take note also that he didn't response to the last blackberry message I sent him hence why I was forced to call. Felt like he was taunting me. I didn't yell or scream at him, I spoke him calmly and I was genuinely perplexed.

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JOYTOME Member

JOYTOME

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Respond **

almond Established Member

almond

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I think that your feelings are completely justified. Reading your last message and ignoring it was pretty horrible. I'm sorry that you were let down like this on your birthday :(

 

He's 27 years old - I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for this one to grow up, because it's probably not happening anytime soon.

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HappyLove Established Member

HappyLove

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Wow, hurting your feelings on your birthday of all days, then turning it around to make it seem like YOU'RE the crazy one, what a funny joke! Wow, sorry OP this guy is a jerk the writing is on the wall I think. You are the mature one so you'll let this pass but you will be kicking yourself later for not seeing this as a red flag and dumping him.

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nescafe1982 Established Member

nescafe1982

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I actually think it's pretty cool that you immediately tried to ask him about it. If this had been me I might have sat and stewed for a while because I get SO afraid of looking like the "crazy" one.

 

You did the right thing: you approached him assertively (although in person might have been better than via text), you asked directly what was going on, and you told him you were upset.

 

He reacted very inappropriately. Maybe it was an isolated mistake, but if this is a part of a larger pattern of behavior you might want to consider that.

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almond Established Member

almond

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Taking a look at the numbers, his age, and the fact that he was in long term relationships for three years, he seems like a serial cheater of the worst kind.

 

Eww.

candie13 Established Member

candie13

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he's just immature. He realized you got upset and couldn't resist the temptation of toying with you. I think he got scared when he saw you were upset - most men are scared to death by upset women or women showing any type of negative emotions linked to them.

 

The red flag is not his uploading pics of his friends, the red flag is his inability to deal with you in a mature way - confront, reassure, assume his responsibility, say he is sorry. It's not the fight in itself, it's how he deals with this fight that ... well... tells a lot about how he really is. Scared. Unable to deal with you and your emotions. Immature. A bit cruel. And the fact that he didn't even reply to your last sentence...

 

yeah, definitely multi-date, if you're not already. And if you're already exclusive, keep your eyes big open. I'd provoke another scene, to see how he reacts. If he backs out of that one as well, I'd simply leave. I'm not really turned on by woss-es ;) !

CrystalCastles Established Member

CrystalCastles

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he's just immature. He realized you got upset and couldn't resist the temptation of toying with you. I think he got scared when he saw you were upset - most men are scared to death by upset women or women showing any type of negative emotions linked to them.

 

The red flag is not his uploading pics of his friends, the red flag is his inability to deal with you in a mature way - confront, reassure, assume his responsibility, say he is sorry. It's not the fight in itself, it's how he deals with this fight that ... well... tells a lot about how he really is. Scared. Unable to deal with you and your emotions. Immature. A bit cruel. And the fact that he didn't even reply to your last sentence...

 

yeah, definitely multi-date, if you're not already. And if you're already exclusive, keep your eyes big open. I'd provoke another scene, to see how he reacts. If he backs out of that one as well, I'd simply leave. I'm not really turned on by woss-es ;) !

 

^This post is gold.

 

I have a similar story, but mine's about a coworker. He used to joke around in a way both of us found funny. Eventually, he started to push-pull and bully me. He'd say insulting things like "you're a nobody" and treat me like trash. Every time I would bring it up he'd be like, jeez it's just a joke. And that he "thinks my reaction is funny". And he'd never apologize or take responsibility for his actions. Whenever I'd be upset he'd just get all embarrassed. He's also 27. These guys aren't real "men". Men don't treat women, especially women they care about, that way.

 

That guy clearly has issues. He's acting like a highschool boy. That's so pathetic and sad. I'd cut my losses and move on. There are better fish in the sea than this loser. He also sounds like he doesn't think ahead. He just does stuff without considering any potential consequences. Like the fact that he admitted he wouldn't like it if you played this joke on him. Again, the mark of someone immature and inconsiderate.

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JOYTOME Member

JOYTOME

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thanks so much for responses, much appreciated.

 

I spoke to him about it and he said it was a joke/ he was just kidding around (as you predicted). In his opinion, the female in his DP (his sister) was visibly pregnant with a fairly rounded belly and so I ought to have known that he was just kidding around.

 

He then went on to apologise profusely and sincerely so I decided to let it go this time around. Hopefully he'll be more sensitive when making jokes...

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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He may very well have put the profile picture up innocently, but you showed that you were concerned, contacted him for clarification, and he played with you. Not cool.

 

I agree with this.

 

He could have EASILY clarified when first asked, instead he decided to insert further suspicion. Yes, you did over-react, but he could have avoided all that by being honest at the get go.

 

Frankly, I find his joke not funny. As insecure as people can be, it is not responsible.

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