Did I Move Too Fast?

[pippi713713]

Hi, I need some advice. I'm 19 and from the USA and I've been in a LDR with a guy from Australia. He's 25. I’ve been seeing him for 7 months.

 

In the beginning, everything was going great. He had just broken up with his ex a few months before we met. He did lie about his age and his birthday but I had gotten over that. We agreed to be exclusive. This is my first serious relationship, and I felt excited and passionate about him. But then the problems began.

 

In April, I told him that I loved him. Here is a bit of background on what happened. He was driving from his home to his parents' to take care of some business and I was planning on going to bed. I sleepily told him to drive safely and that I loved him. That following day, I was completely terrified of how he would react, but he took it really well and he said 'I love you' back. Suddenly, we used the words ‘I love you’ all the time and he started talking about our future and I began to feel smothered. Around this time I was still coming out of a serious bout of depression, and I felt trapped.

 

In May, I told him that I loved him, but I wasn’t ‘in love’ with him yet. Needless to say, he was hurt. We talked about it and he told me that he felt as though he gave me his heart and I threw it back at him. We agreed that we'd continue being together and that we needed to work it out.

 

There's one particular instance I remember where I had a feeling that everything was not okay and that, in his terms, 'all was not forgiven and forgotten'. He was moving back to his hometown, and had rented out a U-haul truck for his furniture. While we were video-chatting, he was playing with a ring of keys. I had asked him what they were for, and he said 'Oh they're the keys to my heart. Do you want them?'. In all seriousness, I told him that I did and he scoffed and rolled his eyes. When I asked why he did that, he told me that I didn't deserve the keys to his heart. I did cry in front of him, which he responded to by saying that he hadn't meant to make me cry but that I had hurt him badly.

 

My year of college finished and I was busy with internships. My boyfriend was busy with his new job so we didn’t talk for 2 months. Now I’m back at school and I feel like he’s distancing himself. We used to talk everyday and now it’s like pulling teeth with him. He says he’s just really busy with, but it seems too convenient. He could make time for me before and we literally spent the whole day together. He’s stopped calling me cute nicknames, which is weird because when we first met, he said that formal names were for strangers. He's stopped asking about my day, and seems indifferent.

 

He also forgot/chose to ignore my birthday, which was in July. That hurt me the most because he made such a big deal about it before I went on summer vacation, saying that we'd have a huge skype party and he'd send me a cake. We even talked briefly a few days before my birthday. He still hasn’t mentioned it.

 

I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to give him space but it’s hard. I think he’s still upset about what happened, despite telling me that he’s fine. A couple of weeks ago, he left for a trip to Asia and won’t be back until October. I’m worried this prolonged separation will drive a deeper wedge between us.

 

What should I do?

 

Thank you for reading this and I apologize if it's a long post and sorry about any grammar/spelling errors. I just had to get everything out.

[pippi713713]

Any advice is welcome and appreciated. I'll also add any clarification if it's needed. Please give me your opinion on my situation, because I'm really unsure of what to do. Thanks.

[Philosoraptor]

First, have you met him in the flesh? "Seeing him" makes it sound like you've been meeting on a regular basis.

 

So you've been in a LDR and went two months without talking, and he chose to ignore your birthday? This combined with all of the immature comments in the post above tell me that you're better off meeting someone you can actually see on a regular basis.

[pippi713713]

Thank you for your response. No we haven't met yet but were planning to this June. Which comments do you think were immature?

[Philosoraptor]

"'Oh they're the keys to my heart. Do you want them?'. In all seriousness, I told him that I did and he scoffed and rolled his eyes. When I asked why he did that, he told me that I didn't deserve the keys to his heart. I did cry in front of him, which he responded to by saying that he hadn't meant to make me cry but that I had hurt him badly.", he ignored your birthday, he also felt the need to lie about himself from the start.... need I go on?

 

If I were in your shoes I would cut my losses, be thankful that I hadn't moved any further with this person, and meet someone out in the real world. I'm not waiting another 9 months to meet someone who intentionally hurts me.

[clia]

Let's look at reality.

 

You haven't met this guy.

 

You don't plan to meet him for 9 more months.

 

You went two months without even talking to him.

 

He's too busy for you.

 

He's pulled back.

 

He ignored your birthday.

 

You definitely don't have a boyfriend anymore.

 

I think it is highly likely he met someone else -- probably someone local.

 

What should you do? Move on and find a guy who lives in your city to date so you can hug him, kiss him, and spend time with him in person so you don't have to resort to having parties over Skype.

[justwhoiam]

He was not your boyfriend and he's not now either.

You never met him.

You cut communication for two months without a decent reason (though it'd be hard to find one to stop talking for 2 entire months).

He ignored your birthday (maybe he forgot, but it's more likely he just ignored it on purpose and let it go by).

Now you think fondly of him and probably regret not meeting him, or taking him seriously, etc.

 

You live, you learn. Put this story behind you.

[pippi713713]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I needed to hear your advice, and I appreciate that you all didn't hold back and sugarcoat anything. Tough love is always important. I've decided to move on with my life. I made some mistakes and I've learned from them. Thanks again.

Edited September 15, 2013 by pippi713713

[OnlyHonesty]

To add a little more to this. I think there can be an element of fantasy in online ldr and in some cases those involved are emotionally unavailable, afraid of real commitment, not ready for a relationship where they see someone on a physical basis and unconsciously seek long distance because they fear getting hurt. Your best course of action is to remove this person from any form of communication and go no contact. Even when two people have never met, going no contact and 'breaking up' can still be extremely painful and you may still go through the same feelings of bereavement, depression, upset and loss so be strong.