Dating someone and seeing them in the buff for the first time

[HappyLove]

*Warning: Ninja goes deep...again*

 

You might not like what I'm going to say Kaylan, but this is not about you but a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

 

When you saw her and felt that gut wrenching bit of disgust, it was because of the insecurity within yourself...and how you felt about being intimate with someone who you felt was beneath you, your own validation and attractiveness became in question because YOU are being sexual/intimate with this girl...the disgust doesn't resonate from her but from within yourself because it's a hit to your own pride, it's your own fear of being judged and associated with this girl. This tells me you have issues with your own body/looks.

 

I know this altered your perception of her at that point, and you very likely realized you couldn't ever really be with this girl in the long-term because of her body weight, the expectations and decision was already established and set in motion. But you told yourself you gave things a chance anyway, for good measure and because you didn't end it right away.

 

My advice would be to try and be a bit more sensitive and compassionate to how other people look on the outside, especially when you're choosing to be intimate with them...you don't know where they've been, why they look that way and what they've been through in their lives...especially with women, their outside appearance is often a reflection of how they feel or what they deal with on the inside, especially in terms of weight.

 

I know you didn't express anything to her or at least to your knowledge you think she didn't notice (you'd be surprised what women know but don't say)...and you don't have to be attracted to anyone you aren't interested in, but showing an understanding and compassion instead of disgust will go a long way to being confident in yourself, because in the end that's what it's really about.

 

You don't really have to sleep with her, let alone date her or get into a relationship with her but it doesn't mean you have to view her in a negative light because you were disappointed in how she looked after all...which is fine, not hammering you on how you feel again.

 

I just know that men often sleep with women they are more confident with because they're intimidated by the women and feel insecure about approaching their true interest. It's easier to sleep with that "average but attainable" romantic interest than develop the courage to pursue your "dream girl".

 

Apart of what you're feeling is nature, and the other part is judgment...In short It's normal to a degree, however you can choose how you let that affect you.

 

 

Very insightful! I'm sitting here trying to understand how much of a shock could it have been that she was overweight and jiggly? I mean I would think you've cuddled before, shoot even a hug can give you clues to how fit someone is. It really shouldn't have been a great surprise. You're post makes sense.

[RedRobin]

If it makes you feel better, Kaylan, I have a hard time getting worked up for squishy men...

 

Ones who may be bigger because of genetics, but don't work out... or even when they do work out, they are covered in blob (usually put there by beer, fried food, and too many trips to McD)

 

Part of that is because I'm rather 'hard' myself. Not like one of those fitness models and bulky. Just, well, like dancer hard.

 

But in defense of genetics... All of my weight goes to my butt...and lately, the boobs. My bodyfat measures quite low... between 10-15%. I have a little cellulite on my butt.

 

And thank god... because a girl needs a little bounce down there, ya know?!

 

All the parts discussion aside... I do think you are obsessing a bit on the details. I agree with the others that 'disgust' is totally misplaced...and really would *gasp* put you into a category that would make you not a good...

 

...lover....

 

because it takes more than nice parts to make a good lover...

 

[loveandstuff]

I'm 105 pounds and 5 foot 7 inches and I still have a little jiggle to my legs. My hope is that you didn't show any of these thoughts on your face. If the first time my boyfriend say me naked, he made the slightest weird face, I would have felt so self conscious. It takes a lot for most females to feel completely comfortable with their SO and I feel like you're ruining your own chances.

 

I'm not going to call you shallow, because we are all shocked at something when we see our SO naked for the first time. It's human nature to want her to look perfect, but you have to remember that love isn't all about attraction to her physical appearance. It's also about her personality and what ever else attracted you to her in the first place.

[Star Gazer]

Do you know how many times you've posted about how much you love the imperfections of a woman's body, like stretch marks and funny patches of body hair? I always knew you were lying about that.

[carhill]

was thinking back to a particular girl I dated earlier this year. She was a cool girl, and I was attracted to her. But the first time I saw her walk around naked, I couldnt help but think to myself "uhhhhhhhh". Kinda the sound one makes when they shudder.

 

Sounds pretty normal to me. You're young and focused on externals, as well as young people generally have 'fresher' bodies, since they are, well, young.

 

One sure sign of aging is when you see all the features of a lover and open your arms and implore her to 'come here baby' and enjoy her body for all the humanity and love it brings to your life. Or something like that. Good luck.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Ah I love seeing a new partner naked for the first time. From that moment on, you can picture them naked whenever you see them

[StanMusial]

I've seen so many naked women, nothing would surprise me really.

 

I feel sorry for the younger generation, free porn on the interwebs has really spoiled your fun.

[Atem]

It's not a weird reaction, so don't sweat it. Humans are highly visual creatures - especially in this day and age when the ideal of female physical beauty is pushed way way higher than even 10-15 years ago.

 

I sometimes have that "turned-off" reaction when seeing women for the first date - usually because some look much hotter in work clothes, which is when I ask them out, than in more revealing summer dresses.

 

Yes, I am very shallow and it works for me.

 

my 2c

[white]

I'm just stoked to see a lady get naked for me.

[pteromom]

I agree with the person who said since you highly value fitness, you should date people who are highly invested in their fitness, and not even bother with the "skinny fat" girls.

 

You can't help what turns you on or turns you off, but I will say as a woman of a certain age, that it would be in your benefit to try to expand your palate. Because even the most fit woman is going to age and change, and if you eventually want a LTR, you don't want to end up one of those guys who can no longer get it up because his wife has saggy boobs or loose skin.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Btw kaylan, not sure if this is true everywhere, but I have noticed a much higher amount of women lately getting into the "fit life".

 

Not to mention I never knew it was ever popular for women to be into fitness... it always seemed to be based on being stick thin over muscular.

[todreaminblue]

there are women who might read this thread who already have problems undressing and being vulnerable in the presence of a man who is about to be intimate with them in the most intimate act possible

 

as one of those.......this thread has been helpful to me..to remember why celibacy rocks

 

 

.... for all the posters who wrote positive affirmations of loving the person in spite of perceived body flaws, scars and jiggly bits ...kudos..age does give perspective in regards to this issue i feel ..and as far as castle goes...he is always himself ...deb

[Midnight_Princess]

Oh yes, being naked is a totally different vision of being clothed...

 

 

 

I was one of those skinny 112 lbs but tall/curvy gym girls.

 

I have gained almost 30 lbs since then.

 

I dress very well though, and you can honestly not tell that much I have gained any weight.

 

I am not naked around the guys I see/date these days though. I am uncomfortable being naked around a guy unless I am active daily.

 

I do not do resistance training atm either, so my clothes will not be coming off until the Aussie summer in a couple of months!

 

Thats the only reason i like summer here, the best time to lose weight. Sounds like we're in for another bad one already!

[kaylan]

You seem to have a narrow range of what you consider attractive, whereas some other men enjoy the differences in women's body shapes and types.

 

I'd suggest that you stick to dating women who are weight lifting enthusiasts, since that is your type.

Did you not read the OP in its entirety? Didnt I say that I still found her attractive?

 

And I, like many other men, enjoy different shapes and body types. However, I, like many other men, arent too thrilled about no muscle tone at all, and a whole lot of jiggle.

 

Hell, a woman doesnt HAVE to lift weights or be a gym rat. Id just like her to be somewhat active so that she keeps in good shape. You dont need the gym for that.

[kaylan]

*Warning: Ninja goes deep...again*

 

You might not like what I'm going to say Kaylan, but this is not about you but a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

 

When you saw her and felt that gut wrenching bit of disgust, it was because of the insecurity within yourself...and how you felt about being intimate with someone who you felt was beneath you, your own validation and attractiveness became in question because YOU are being sexual/intimate with this girl...the disgust doesn't resonate from her but from within yourself because it's a hit to your own pride, it's your own fear of being judged and associated with this girl. This tells me you have issues with your own body/looks.

 

I know this altered your perception of her at that point, and you very likely realized you couldn't ever really be with this girl in the long-term because of her body weight, the expectations and decision was already established and set in motion. But you told yourself you gave things a chance anyway, for good measure and because you didn't end it right away.

 

My advice would be to try and be a bit more sensitive and compassionate to how other people look on the outside, especially when you're choosing to be intimate with them...you don't know where they've been, why they look that way and what they've been through in their lives...especially with women, their outside appearance is often a reflection of how they feel or what they deal with on the inside, especially in terms of weight.

 

I know you didn't express anything to her or at least to your knowledge you think she didn't notice (you'd be surprised what women know but don't say)...and you don't have to be attracted to anyone you aren't interested in, but showing an understanding and compassion instead of disgust will go a long way to being confident in yourself, because in the end that's what it's really about.

 

You don't really have to sleep with her, let alone date her or get into a relationship with her but it doesn't mean you have to view her in a negative light because you were disappointed in how she looked after all...which is fine, not hammering you on how you feel again.

 

I just know that men often sleep with women they are more confident with because they're intimidated by the women and feel insecure about approaching their true interest. It's easier to sleep with that "average but attainable" romantic interest than develop the courage to pursue your "dream girl".

 

Apart of what you're feeling is nature, and the other part is judgment...In short It's normal to a degree, however you can choose how you let that affect you.

You are wrong on several points. Im not worried about being judged myself because Im happy with the shape Im in. I expect to be judged though as we all do it.

 

Secondly, I wasnt worried about being seen with this girl at all. She was a cute chick and if I enjoy my time with a girl I dont care what people think about who Im with.

 

So again, my reaction to her body had nothing to do with some supposed insecurity or whether or not I wanted to be seen with her. It was a legitimate involuntary reaction to something I dont find very attractive. I think a lot of people have a not so good reaction to certain things they dont find physically attractive.

 

Just because one doesnt find something physical attractive doesnt mean they are insecure about something else. It a lot of times just means they dont like the look of something.

 

EDIT - I knew I couldnt be with her long term WAY before any of the sex. Our personalities were too different and we had different relationship expectations. Hell, my ex had a couple of things on her body she felt were flaws, and I wanted to be with her and loved her anyway. So its not like this current chicks body scared me off. There was no relationship potential to begin with.

 

PS - While sometimes your assumptions are on the money, I must say youre very wrong in this case. But thanks for the thought out reply though.

Edited September 9, 2013 by kaylan

[kaylan]

Do you know how many times you've posted about how much you love the imperfections of a woman's body, like stretch marks and funny patches of body hair? I always knew you were lying about that.

How am I lying about that?

 

Just because I can find a little bit of baby fat cute, or liked my ex's lil fuzz patch or faint booty stretch marks, does not mean Id be ok with hair everywhere, a whole lot of jiggle, and a body rife with stretch marks.

 

Im ok with some imperfections, as we all have some. But I think everyone has their limit. I said earlier that I expect all women to have some cellulite and softness in their body. I do like softness in certain places. But theres a point where it because too much. Same with how many women like body hair, but if a guy gets like Robin Williams, it can be a turnoff.

[kaylan]

Sounds pretty normal to me. You're young and focused on externals, as well as young people generally have 'fresher' bodies, since they are, well, young.

 

One sure sign of aging is when you see all the features of a lover and open your arms and implore her to 'come here baby' and enjoy her body for all the humanity and love it brings to your life. Or something like that. Good luck.

True.

 

I know my desires and standards are a function of youth. Ill enjoy it while it lasts.

I'm 105 pounds and 5 foot 7 inches and I still have a little jiggle to my legs. My hope is that you didn't show any of these thoughts on your face. If the first time my boyfriend say me naked, he made the slightest weird face, I would have felt so self conscious. It takes a lot for most females to feel completely comfortable with their SO and I feel like you're ruining your own chances.

I dont think anyone minds a little jiggle. Its expected really. But what Im saying is this girl has a whole lit of jiggle all over. I swear its impossible for anyone to ever be honest about turn offs without people (not you) calling the man or woman shallow.

I'm not going to call you shallow, because we are all shocked at something when we see our SO naked for the first time. It's human nature to want her to look perfect, but you have to remember that love isn't all about attraction to her physical appearance. It's also about her personality and what ever else attracted you to her in the first place.

Physical attraction is part of why people are able to fall in love. If one is not physically attracted to someone, a truly fulfilling romantic relationship cannot exist.

 

And with regards to this girl I dated, love was not the goal...fun dating and sex was the goal, for the both of us. Things ran their course and once our incompatibilities came to light, things ended.

Do you think women like seeing you naked then?

Depends.

 

Some girls have been thrilled with my body. Others havent really said anything. Im sure there are some girls who prefer a body type different to mine but didnt say anything.

 

I cant please everyone. Though I do try and stay fit as to please myself.

I've seen so many naked women, nothing would surprise me really.

 

I feel sorry for the younger generation, free porn on the interwebs has really spoiled your fun.

This really has nothing to do with porn. I dont compare porn bodies to real women. I compare real women Ive dated to other real women Ive dated. Fact being is Ive never really encountered a girl whos body was like the girl in the OP. Even thicker girls didnt have the same kinda movement in their body.

 

Call it something that was new to me.

I agree with the person who said since you highly value fitness, you should date people who are highly invested in their fitness, and not even bother with the "skinny fat" girls.

 

You can't help what turns you on or turns you off, but I will say as a woman of a certain age, that it would be in your benefit to try to expand your palate. Because even the most fit woman is going to age and change, and if you eventually want a LTR, you don't want to end up one of those guys who can no longer get it up because his wife has saggy boobs or loose skin.

I know we all age. Im gonna get jiggly and saggy in the future, though I will fight it like hell in the gym haha. The thing is, a lot of people just dont try though.

 

And no we cant help what turns us on or off. But I think people are taking my being taken aback by the jiggle, as men not being attracted to that girl at all. I was still attracted to her and still dated her.

Btw kaylan, not sure if this is true everywhere, but I have noticed a much higher amount of women lately getting into the "fit life".

 

Not to mention I never knew it was ever popular for women to be into fitness... it always seemed to be based on being stick thin over muscular.

I live in the burbs, are it seems a lot less men and women are fitness minded up here than in the city. And though there are some cute cardio bunnies at the gym, I dont really hit on girls there.

 

And yeah, the stick thin thing is new it seems. If you look at old fitness magazines, and adverts thrown at women, weight lifting wasnt shrugged off back in the 80s like it is now.

 

there are women who might read this thread who already have problems undressing and being vulnerable in the presence of a man who is about to be intimate with them in the most intimate act possible

 

as one of those.......this thread has been helpful to me..to remember why celibacy rocks

 

.... for all the posters who wrote positive affirmations of loving the person in spite of perceived body flaws, scars and jiggly bits ...kudos..age does give perspective in regards to this issue i feel ..and as far as castle goes...he is always himself ...deb

These women shouldnt care about my singular opinion. Hell, Im sure a lot of the women reading this probably wouldnt date me for one physical reason or another. Everyone has their physical preferences. Some girls may not be attracted to my height, build, long hair, race, style....but it is what it is.

Edited September 9, 2013 by kaylan

[phineas]

I'll take a pooch over bingo arm any time every time.

[kaylan]

Deb, let me add this;

 

Its not like I havent ready many things on forums, or have seen things in womens dating profiles that rule me out as a prospect. There was a time when I got self conscious about being too short even though Im average height. Or my physical build, or my hair, or my race, because I read a woman mentioning what she was or was not into.

 

I shrug it off now and know that plenty of women find me sexy, and I believe Im sexy. Women should shrug me off the same way. Why should my opinion matter? It matters who isnt into you, not who isnt. And let me repeat, it wasnt like I stopped dating this girl over her body. I was still attracted to her.

[iris219]

Are you hooking up before there's a real emotional connection?

 

I ask because when I like someone, and I mean really like them, their physical flaws don't in any way detract from how attracted I am to them. In fact, I find someone flawed who I care about much more attractive than someone with a perfect body who I don't care much for.

[kaylan]

Deb, let me add this;

 

Its not like I havent ready many things on forums, or have seen things in womens dating profiles that rule me out as a prospect. There was a time when I got self conscious about being too short even though Im average height. Or my physical build, or my hair, or my race, because I read a woman mentioning what she was or was not into.

 

I shrug it off now and know that plenty of women find me sexy, and I believe Im sexy. Women should shrug me off the same way. Why should my opinion matter? It matters who IS into you, not who isnt. And let me repeat, it wasnt like I stopped dating this girl over her body. I was still attracted to her.

Typo. Fixed the bolded

Are you hooking up before there's a real emotional connection?

 

I ask because when I like someone, and I mean really like them, their physical flaws don't in any way detract from how attracted I am to them. In fact, I find someone flawed who I care about much more attractive than someone with a perfect body who I don't care much for.

I agree with this.

 

And yeah we hooked up before any real connection. There wasnt much potential for a connection though since we werent compatible relationship wise.

Edited September 10, 2013 by kaylan

[runningfar]

I have got to say, I know I'm not the most experienced lady on here, but I have never really noticed a negative when getting naked with someone - since the mental connection is there and that's what matters to me - and I can't imagine I ever would. That's just weird to me.

[Divasu]

Anyone ever experience something similar? What was your reaction?

 

PS - Im prepared to be called shallow. Bring it on. =P

 

Of course most people have.

 

But when you really like someone, trust me, these tiny imperfections won't matter. In fact, just the opposite will happen. You'll want to lick them'!

 

[crederer]

I've never been repulsed by any imperfections with a woman I'm interested in. You may have some physical traits she's not fond of but she doesn't put much emphasis on it.

 

And if you're that repulsed by it, maybe just move on.

[RedRobin]

Ok, so let me get this straight...

 

you were 'dating' her, but not interested in a relationship with her.

 

you saw her naked... I'm assuming after you decided that you couldn't have a relationship with her. Ok, we don't know if you were open about this with her... but lets assume you were (I'm doubting it... but will temporarily suspend it).

 

now you make a thread talking about how disgusted (your words) you were with her body... somewhere I recall reading that you still found her 'attractive'...

 

Whoop-de-do.

 

Hmm... I see very little here that is attractive about how you are acting. If you are going to do hookups/FWB and call it 'dating'... the least you can do is not come here and trash their bodies.

 

I get it that you are/were disappointed (we'll leave that up to some other time to worry about)... I'm very disappointed when I meet a guy who seems nice and turns out to be a bit of a scumbag underneath it all... no matter what he looks like.

 

perhaps the lack of class and the heaping piles of disrespect you are giving her is what I'm finding a little repulsive here... I'm disappointed in you Kaylan.