beelibra Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Ahhh, please take a minute to read and help me with some advice, this is heavy on my mind and I really could use some insight.. :/ So my boyfriend and I both have kids from previous previous relationships. His 2 year old songs mother and him broke up in the beginning of the year, around February. Him and I started dating in April, and have been official for about a month now. She cheated on him and screwed things up, and he obviously moved on but she still wants him back. We are long distance, him in Arizona and me in California, but we work it out to where we see each other every couple of weeks. He came down this weekend to pick up his son for the month, and last night we just told each other we loved each other and he teared up when he told me. Thing is I'm soooo uneasy because his ex wants him back like I said, and is VERY spiteful against me. That I dont care about though...typical baby mama drama. But I over heard him on the phone the other day when he was talking to her, and she got in a fight with her parents and asked if he could watch his son for an hour, and he was kind of talking to her in a consoling voice...saying "I'll call you right back, okay?" Kind of like he would to me...then today when she dropped him off to him so they could drive back, they were outside for a while and she knew I was with him. He told me she was crying, saying bye to their son and just misses him & the way things used to be. I cant STAND the idea of him consoling her on this. And then spending time together when he sees him throughout the weekend before he heads back. He can spend time with his son, it doesn't need to be the both of them together. I know they'll figure it out in their own way how to work things out with their kid...but this is making me feel so uneasy. I know he loves me and poured his heart out to me, and I should be happy right now and not feeling like this. Am I over-reacting? Is it wrong of me to be irritated at the fact of him consoling her? My ex and I are nothing like that. I dont know what to think. I love him but I cant help but come off distant to him wondering if theres something there...or if he still loves her. We've talked about before and he told me that there isnt, they were over a long time before their relationship ended and that Im a huge part of his life. He reassures me but when I see pieces like this come up I cant help but question...wonder if I should talk to him about it or let it go. Thank you for your time reading this, your opinions are appreciated more than you know!
AverageCat Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Lay out on the table what you like and don't like about him and his ex-es relationship. He'll probably start explaining to you why things are the way they are. Tell him you're not looking for explanation. He's an independent man that can do whatever he wants, but he should also take into account that those things that bother you will affect your relationship and therefore him Again, approach this in a way, where it's not like he's doing anything wrong, but this will affect the relationship. For me exes are a NO-NO, but again I'm only 27 and don't have kids.
almond Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I can absolutely see how this could make you feel uncomfortable, but I believe it would be best not to entertain these feelings. He treats his ex, the mother of his children, with kindness and respect - I think this speaks positively about his character. He seems like a good guy. He cares for this woman, but is not in love with her. He wants his child to have a happy home life with his mother, and assists her when she needs it. Once she accepts the pain and loss of their relationship, they will be on the right track to effective co-parenting. He has been honest with her about you, and has committed to you. I don't think there is any need to be concerned. I feel that criticising him for interacting positively with the mother of his child would be counterproductive. Try and focus on yourself and your relationship, and work through the feelings of insecurity. Easier said than done, I know, and it will take some time. If you can achieve this, I think it would definitely be the best outcome you could hope for. You could bring this up to him. But I would be sure to phrase it in a way that makes it clear that you are working through your feelings of insecurity in relation to this, and do not expect him to change. I would also compliment him for treating his ex with respect, and tell him that you admire this. He can help you work through it, but I definitely would not ask him to alter his behaviour. He is not doing anything wrong IMO. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) my ex consoles me, he is in a relationship with another woman, but i am raising three girls that are his.............. and i miss having him to talk to .......if i was with another guy i would be talking to him..........but i am not with anyone............i find it really hard sometimes brignign up the kids dealing with my mental illness feeling alone even though i am not...he understands that and my ex is there fo rme, ringing me asking me how i am going, telling me to talk to him so it doesnt get too much for me......i still dont tell him everything........especially my love life or lack there of..i dont talk about sex or sex we have had with him anymore..... .i just talk about how i feel........i think he knows me well enough to know.......i dont really open up....and i honestly he knows i need to have that person who i can open up with even if it isnt fully or i would implode.......he reassures me i am doing a good job, he makes me laugh.......he teases me until i smile........he is a friend to me......we dont talk sex, we talk kids and my feelings my hopes.....for the kids and for me.......he knows exactly how to speak to me without triggering......soft sure honest..he tells me when i am being irrational and over analysing....... now with all that i will say this i respect the sisterhood to much to sleep with him couldnt live with the guilt of doing it.......i just need(its not a want its necessity) his friendship, i am not in love with him anymore...how do you know that the ex of your boyfriend wants him back.. when you have children with someone you share a bond that doesnt die.......its a mutual love for the children or child .......and a love of the person who gave them to you and a real desire to make sure that those child/children feel that love.......no hatred or non communication no revenge or fighting to mar a childs personal growth and development....but a firm friendship full of forgiveness understanding and love, with common goals to see the child be the best they can be with support from the person who helped bring them into the world now if i was with someone my girls and my children will love who i am with they will respect him and treat him as they would treat me......because they have seen me act with respect understanding forgiveness and love...my ex didnt act that way at first when we broke up...its something he has learned since we split.........he has grown in many ways...and so have i consoling soemone who is upset is what you would do for a stranger i have hugged and kissed strangers and i am not demonstrative to strangers i am highly reserved i did it because they needed it...they told me so after too...... do you think consoling the mother of his child who has to raise that child with a smile on her face not tears...is it really such a bad thing that she have consolation....? i think though, boundaries of what can be said and what cant should be in place..no sex...no flirting......he shouldnt have to leave the room when he consoles her on the phone....it should be openly talked about and admitted to...then you can ahve peace...i wish you much love from your boyfriend and a bright future...ps have you thought about making friends with her in the best interest of his son? do you think she might be friends with you?..deb Edited September 9, 2013 by todreaminblue
Author beelibra Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 I can absolutely see how this could make you feel uncomfortable, but I believe it would be best not to entertain these feelings. He treats his ex, the mother of his children, with kindness and respect - I think this speaks positively about his character. He seems like a good guy. He cares for this woman, but is not in love with her. He wants his child to have a happy home life with his mother, and assists her when she needs it. Once she accepts the pain and loss of their relationship, they will be on the right track to effective co-parenting. He has been honest with her about you, and has committed to you. I don't think there is any need to be concerned. I feel that criticising him for interacting positively with the mother of his child would be counterproductive. Try and focus on yourself and your relationship, and work through the feelings of insecurity. Easier said than done, I know, and it will take some time. If you can achieve this, I think it would definitely be the best outcome you could hope for. You could bring this up to him. But I would be sure to phrase it in a way that makes it clear that you are working through your feelings of insecurity in relation to this, and do not expect him to change. I would also compliment him for treating his ex with respect, and tell him that you admire this. He can help you work through it, but I definitely would not ask him to alter his behaviour. He is not doing anything wrong IMO. Thank you a lot for your answer, that made me feel a lot better and I agree with you. I dont want to bring complications into our relationship, I trust him and believe him..especially if he teared up when he told me he loves me. I have to really work on my insecurities about it and set it aside. I dont want to act out against him because I can't keep them under control. I think you are right. Once she stops feeling the pain and accepts things for what they are, and trys to move on herself she will be more understanding of our relationship and let it be. Then hopefully we can all be civil with one another and she wont care to make our relationship a difficult situation like she is now. Thanks a lot again!
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