Lostlove64 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, have been living together consistently for about 1.5 so far and have started to have issues. I can't pinpoint the exact start but I figure it to be around the time when my roommate dropped the ball on paying rent and was evicted (by me) and my boyfriend and I decided we would live together. He had been staying at my apartment most nights and days anyways. We are both in our mid to late 20's and both still in university (masters programs). He was living at home with his parents at the time (rent free, while they pay for his education) and I am living on my own (my parents live in another province) with some parental support. We both worked part time jobs and were able to support living alone. However I was forced to quit my job as it was interfering with my grant money, so currently only he is working. He has a lot of resentment towards me for not being able to keep up more than my share (he makes more money and has less bills, I have tuition rent and transport to pay for) he also has a lot of family support and money saved whereas I'm living paycheck to paycheck. While I don't think that that means it is ok to not keep up (I do as best I can) I feel like he uses it against me constantly reminding me that he didn't have to move out and pay bills. He could have stayed home. Also every trip to the grocery store he expects me to say thank you for buying groceries when we leave. If I wait til we get home or until we load up the car he gets angry and won't talk to me as he "feels taken advantage of". He will say something like "thanks (his name) for buying groceries." As if to remind me that I haven't said thank you yet and it makes me feel like a child being reminded by my mom to thank someone for giving me a cookie. When I buy groceries (which I admit is less frequent than him) I will not make a point of asking for a thank you as we are in a relationship and I feel like what's mine is his. Aside from these issues we have nothing in common, he prefers to stay in and watch tv and I prefer to go out and walk, have coffee, go for a drive etc. this leaves me feeling unfulfilled when every evening is full of hours of tv time and him sitting on the couch with his laptop on his lap barely focusing on tv. Every time I suggest going out and doing something I am met with a comment about how he doesn't want to spend money or drive somewhere (I would drive but his parents own the car he has so they are not comfortable with anyone else driving it) which leaves me feeling frustrated and annoyed. As of the past few months with my schooling in its final year and his coming to a close I fear that we may have grown apart and not known it. I am frustrated by his continued need to be right which makes me feel stupid and angry as I feel like he thinks that I am less intelligent than he is (which he refuses to acknowledge) and the lack of interest in things I would like to do (and sometimes I feel there is a lack of interest in me as well). I do love him, but I worry that this is what our life will be like when we finish school and get married (we have had the talk many a time we are just waiting to get done school). I don't think I would be happy living this way as I am grossly unhappy now. We have had many discussions about each of these issues and each time things change for a week or two but return to the same way as before after that. What should I do?
Balzac Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 End it. It was a poorly financed plan and that buried it. You accepted grant money instead of taking a loan and the cost was your relationship. Things happen, it's too much water under the bridge. You can then take a job offer independent of his location. 1
ja123 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 It sounds like you mightn't have enough in common (interests and values) to stay the course. However, there is clearly lack of communication here. Have you told him how you feel? What are each of your long-term goals? Have you discussed any of this in detail?
Author Lostlove64 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 I have talked to him and we are both interested in the same things (jobs then house then kids etc). When we talk about the issues they all come back in a round about way (he ends up bringing it back to his not needing to leave home) which leaves me feeling angry and guilty. But then he will apologize and say that it will all work out we just have to get through. I feel the issue here is he doesn't see the lack of interest and his comments sometimes are hurtful. He does a lot of nice things, but I can tell money is a sore spot. Possibly due to his parents spending habits (of lack there of, they both make a combined income of 300k and have no debt, buy everything outright).
heartshaped Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 The two of you are simply incompatible. Some things just aren't worth saving. 1
Author Lostlove64 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 End it. It was a poorly financed plan and that buried it. You accepted grant money instead of taking a loan and the cost was your relationship. Things happen, it's too much water under the bridge. You can then take a job offer independent of his location.[/quote To be fair he has grant money as well so it is not just my "poorly financed plan". He is only better off as his parents pay the cost of his tuition and car, gas etc. some of us aren't lucky enough to have those opportunities.
Balzac Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 However I was forced to quit my job as it was interfering with my grant money, so currently only he is working. Seems this was the moment to get a plan. Apparently he agreed to float the boat. If indeed he did agree and became resentful, you two will never be able to compromise on finances. This is classic incompatibility.
Author Lostlove64 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Sorry I mistook what you said before as blaming me solely for our financial downfall.
Balzac Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 End it. It was a poorly financed plan and that buried it. You accepted grant money instead of taking a loan and the cost was your relationship. Things happen, it's too much water under the bridge. You can then take a job offer independent of his location.[/quote To be fair he has grant money as well so it is not just my "poorly financed plan". He is only better off as his parents pay the cost of his tuition and car, gas etc. some of us aren't lucky enough to have those opportunities. Part of the problem is that even now, you fail to see the problem. His financial plan was never to be covering you. Your plan was modified. I've yet to understand if he willingly agreed to take on your deficit. The wealth or lack of his parents is a no factor.
Balzac Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Sorry I mistook what you said before as blaming me solely for our financial downfall. Not at all. Two adults were involved in decisions.
Author Lostlove64 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Part of the problem is that even now, you fail to see the problem. His financial plan was never to be covering you. Your plan was modified. I've yet to understand if he willingly agreed to take on your deficit. The wealth or lack of his parents is a no factor. Yes, we has agreed that it was easier for me to quit my job (as it was not worth keeping and incurring more debt from loans than taking the grant which I don't have to pay back). I would not have quit my job had I realized that this would cause so much resentment whether or not it impacted my debt. We discussed the change prior to doing it as it would impact my ability to pay for more than my rent and tuition and transportation with some money to spare. He agreed this was acceptable as his parents cover his tuition and he would have "extra money"
nescafe1982 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 OP- how are the rest of the household bills/duties split between you two? His parents' wealth is of no concern or consequence here... even is he's incredibly rich, things between you two have to feel equal for a relationship to work. The best way to do this, IMO, is to lay out clearly who pays, how much, and for what. Household chores are the same way. What's your ratio like there?
Author Lostlove64 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 We split rent, cable always equally. Occasionally I don't have enough to pay for groceries (depending on how much I've spent in transport for the year, so this normally tends to be closer to the end of terms). We have a small dog which we split bills for, and responsibility. However most of the cleaning and household chores are left to me. He does not cook, he has never learned and when I try to teach him he "forgets". The other day he said he didn't know how to make pancakes for example. Boxed pancakes. We have had discussions about the house keeping, so he has taken the responsibility of watering our plants and feeding the dog. We both do dishes together most of the time. Everything else I do alone.
Balzac Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Ok now the facts are on the table. He agreed to float the boat but failed to identify the extent of his resentment to work out a solution. Alternatives must have been available. He's verbally abusive because he's resentful. This is not mature adult behavior. Why would you marry a guy who cannot work out financial plans with you? Folks here can pitch you ideas on resolution. That's easy enough. Your dilemma remains that BF wasn't manning up to do that. Obviously the masters degree isn't an MBA. How has your feeling about him changed in light of his crude behavior?
nescafe1982 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 We split rent, cable always equally. Occasionally I don't have enough to pay for groceries (depending on how much I've spent in transport for the year, so this normally tends to be closer to the end of terms). We have a small dog which we split bills for, and responsibility. However most of the cleaning and household chores are left to me. He does not cook, he has never learned and when I try to teach him he "forgets". The other day he said he didn't know how to make pancakes for example. Boxed pancakes. We have had discussions about the house keeping, so he has taken the responsibility of watering our plants and feeding the dog. We both do dishes together most of the time. Everything else I do alone. Well, that sounds pretty fair to me. My BF buys groceries, I cook them, and he and I both wash dishes. There goes my thesis (that perhaps this was about contributions, money and otherwise). How much of a monthly disparity are we talking about in terms of money, then? If you split all the rent/bills and all other expenses evenly, how are you costing him money, exactly? I mean, if it's only groceries and only occasionally, how expensive can that get?
nescafe1982 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 He's resentful. This is not mature adult behavior. Why would you marry a guy who cannot work out financial plans with you? Folks here can pitch you ideas on resolution. That's easy enough. Your dilemma remains that BF wasn't manning up to do that. Obviously the masters degree isn't an MBA. How has your feeling about him changed in light of his crude behavior? OP: Read this again, carefully and honestly. It sounds to me like he's grown resentful over some very minor fiscal issues, and I'd be hesitant to get more serious with someone who was "keeping score" like this. 1
Author Lostlove64 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Ok now the facts are on the table. He agreed to float the boat but failed to identify the extent of his resentment to work out a solution. Alternatives must have been available. He's verbally abusive because he's resentful. This is not mature adult behavior. Why would you marry a guy who cannot work out financial plans with you? Folks here can pitch you ideas on resolution. That's easy enough. Your dilemma remains that BF wasn't manning up to do that. Obviously the masters degree isn't an MBA. How has your feeling about him changed in light of his crude behavior? When he does the things he does (like the grocery shopping comments or brings up the fact he could be living home rent free) I get upset and either argue with him by stating that if he didn't want to live with me he had that choice. He was not forced, I had other options and moving in was his suggestion as he was staying over 4-5 nights a week anyways. I do feel upset about it and it will nag at me and make me feel guilty. Eventually we will stop arguing and he will say that he's sorry and loves me and tell me that things will all work out, but these issues continue to be brought up every few months. When he isn't stressed about money or paying for things he is easy to get along with most of the time. It's when we try to talk about money, finances or big purchases (for example vet bills) that he frustrates me and then of course I begin to feel as if its my fault for quitting my job.
nescafe1982 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 When he isn't stressed about money or paying for things he is easy to get along with most of the time. It's when we try to talk about money, finances or big purchases (for example vet bills) that he frustrates me and then of course I begin to feel as if its my fault for quitting my job. Don't. Don't feel like this is all your fault. I don't know you guys beyond what I've read here, but I can say that if he's feeling resentful because he's having to pay rent/bills to live with you (rather than living with his parents rent-free), he's just got some growing up to do. If you're paying rent, your share of the bills, and you occasionally fall short on other expenses, you can try to remedy this by doing other things around the house or for him. And when you're flush one month, you can chip in extra. But ultimately, it's beginning to sound to me like your BF has beef with taking on adult fiscal responsibilities. He might need a reality check.... but he should not be taking his frustrations out on you. 1
Balzac Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Modifying the word grocery with "only" when BF's verbal tirade is as they're loading the groceries into the car .. Equity is his issue. 1
FitChick Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Advertise for a new roommate and tell him to move out when she moves in. Let him go back to mummy and daddy. You can continue to date or not. The number one cause of divorce is arguments over money. The future with this guy looks bleak. Be glad that you got a preview of what life would be like as his wife. He's become a habit and this is not a productive relationship. 3
Author Lostlove64 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Thanks for the help. I definitely needed some others perspective.
Balzac Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 It's a tough reality to find out about financial incompatibility. Money issues are right at the top of cause for divorce as has been stated. 1
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