Leaving for Japan in 2 months

[Devildog1981]

Hello. I need some advice. I (32 yrs old) have been very stressed for the past 6 months about my relationship with my girlfriend (28 yrs old). I have two children (7 & 9) who live with their Mother. We have a peaceful relationship for the kids sake.

 

So I am at a crossroads with my life. To marry, not to marry. I feel in my gut that I shouldn't but at the same time I am second guessing myself. I am very confused and feel so much pressure and stress. I don't know who to talk to.

 

I just hit 14 years in the Marine Corps. Back in Feb 2013 I received orders overseas to Japan for 2 years. I tried getting out of them but couldn't. This has been one the bigger stressors surrounding my relationship with my kids and girlfriend.

 

I met my Gf in Aug 2012. I had just divorced after being separated for a little over a year. I felt really good about how the divorce went and where my life was heading. I even posted on loveshack back in 2009 or so. I really started to fall in love with being on my own. I felt stronger everyday.

 

One day at work I get a text from a fellow Marine who was deployed to help him with his lawn work because his wife couldn't do it because of her back. I said sure thing. I went over there to help out but it didn't turn out like that.

 

When I got to the house she told me she had done the yard work but wanted me to look at an air vent. I started to work on it. While I am doing that she starts talking really bad about her husband and marriage. She gets to the point where she is in tears. I sit across from her, uncomfortable and try to tell her it will be ok. She continues talking about how no-one wants her because she has back problems and fibro and she is constantly taking pain killers for it. Little did I know she had been seeing men but she portrayed it like she wasn't. She also told me they were going to separate in three weeks for the second time.

 

I should of left right there. I shouldn't have gotten involved. So we talk, mainly her about her life and how she is very unhappy about her marriage. She even jokingly said she thought about getting a male prostitute because she wanted sex. This woman is very pretty. Fit. Got her breast done a few weeks after we met.

 

Later on she would say that first time meeting was all set up. She wouldn't give me details. She said she had saw my Facebook along with her friends. She won't admit now that she said that. Sometimes I question my own sanity with her. I feel manipulated at times and can't put my finger on the issue.

 

So, after that initial meeting we start sleeping with each other. Mean while I am like wtf in my mind. I mean my career is on the line here. The sex, the sex was amazing, still is to an extent. She was rabid. I rationalize it in my mind that she was separating and getting a divorce, although that was very stupid of me to get involved.

 

For the first few months things were good but some things caught me off guard. She would get upset over the littlest things. She would leave and I wouldn't follow, she would come back and the cycle would repeat.

 

She has broke up over text with me. During the first meetings with my friends she embarrassed me and poked fun, I told her that I don't appreciate that. She once went through my phone and saw that I told my ex wife I was sorry that her grandmother had died. I couldn't believe it. She left for a week after I came home from a vasectomy, she was supposed to be at work, and I asked if I could have a few hours to myself. I was on pain killers and wasn't feeling like company. She went out partying every night and on thanksgiving gave me an ear full for me being a jerk. She says she loves being married and in a relationship. She seemed to adapt my beliefs and views easily. When we met I was an atheist and her a catholic, few months later she had my beliefs. She likes everything I do it seems.

 

I know she isn't perfect and neither am I. We all make mistakes.

 

When I got m orders to Japan in Feb I bounced the idea of possibly getting married among other plans. As time went on I started looking back and noticing red flags. In not only her but me too. I wasn't sure if I was ready for another round.

 

In May we were planning on doing long distance. She started to look for roomates since she doesn't make a lot of money. She found a place with both male and females living together. I wasn't comfortable with this being it a military town, karma right. I offered to help her with rent and utilities. This would work so I had a place to visit when I make my 6 month trip back to the states. She held her ground, I reasoned. I told her I don't want to be with you if you're going to be living with other guys with thousand of miles apart.

 

So in my low point of feeling like I was going to marry her I bought her a ring and proposed to her. I didn't feel totally confident in my decision and was upset that she didn't think living with a guy is not ok if we're serious.

 

Because I have children and considerable assets and no debt. I proposed a prenup. She was offended at first but said ok. I got it drafted up and just recently she took it to her lawyer.

 

She came back from the lawyer upset. I have a clause in the agreement that states my military retirement is hands off. I have only six years left. I have sacrificed so much in 14 years. She mentioned that 20% would be fair. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

 

I started saving and investing at 21 yeas old. I was smart with my money. I am on the path of being financially sound one day. She doesn't have any assets and some debt. My plan was to have her open a Roth, to teach her how to manage her money which she is happy with.

 

Today she says she doesn't want my retirement. But she wants the death clause changed. I have to look into that. I'm not sure what that is. But now after everything I'm just emotionally exhausted. I leave in a little less than two months, that is certain. I don't feel like going. Every fiber in my body doesn't want to go....but it's the military, and I am almost done.

 

After we talked Friday I didn't feel good about marrying anymore. Yet she doesn't want kids and neither do I, she likes a lot of what I like. I am just afraid of her past behavior. I have never had a relationship that had so many problems.

 

Today she mentioned that she was going to move in with a 42 year old engineer a city nearby. She knows that upsets me. I don't understand why she doesn't try to try other options. What hurts is she wants to move in with a other man although she knows I will help with rent. I feel she does it to manipulate me into moving forward.

 

It's not like I don't had enough stress. I already miss out on my kids. I drive every other weekend 500 miles round trip to get them. I am going to miss so much and m heart breaks because the one thing in life you can never get back is time and two years is a lot of time.

 

I'm just so confused. Sorry this is so long. I don't know maybe an outside eye can offer me some advice.

 

My gut, my gut is saying no. But then I can rationalize it. I also feel pressured. I feel like we would just be getting married because I was leaving.

 

Forgot, she has fibro and major back issues. She takes pain killers. She says she is in constant pain. She doesn't make a lot of money at all. Her health insurance is like $300. If we got married she wouldn't have to worry about that and I feel like I am abandoning her if I don't get married.

 

I feel trapped.

 

Thanks for reading. I typed this on m iPhone so apologize for spelling/grammar.

[CptSaveAho]

Cant teach an old dog new tricks

 

But you can return her to the pound from some other sucker to come by and see if they want a used up dog thats only trick is using men for their money

 

Shes a piece of **** and if you marry her, you would be a total moron

[soccerrprp]

END IT NOW! You are a mess and would be nuts to marry her.

[pyramid]

You are not abandoning her. She will be fine. Please do not marry this woman. There are so many red flags here. (After reading your post, I'm not even sure why you are still dating her, let alone considering marrying her.) It is not your responsibility to make sure she has health insurance, she's an adult. Also - do not rely on a prenup (are you in CA?) - hard to hold up in court. That money is for you and your kids.

 

Be honest with yourself - you are only considering this because you are leaving. You know that. If you got married, would she go with you?

 

I married a Marine at age 22 because he was due for orders and I didn't want to be left behind. It's common. But that doesn't make it smart.

[StanMusial]

Dude you're at the age whereby you need to stop thinking with your pecker. Women like this will be a millstone around your neck.

 

The first red flag, when she starts bitching about her old man, is when you eject. I've been in that situation before, and I've said "That's none of my business" more than once. It is a huge turn off for me, and a huge red flag, when some chick does that.

[ThisGal]

Today she says she doesn't want my retirement. But she wants the death clause changed. I have to look into that.

 

Hello!!?!?! Read what death clause means:

 

"Provision in a life insurance policy whereby, in case of death due to accident, the amount of death benefit is paid to the beneficiary. Also called accidental means provision or accidental result provision."

 

That is scary! She reminds me of these psycho b!tches I see in the movies. She even admitted once to scouting you. She checked you out, she called you over her home to help with her "lawn work," she gave you a sob story about her unhappy marriage and she trapped you. She gave you plenty of sex. I doubt her back is as bad as she says otherwise she wouldn't be riding you as much as she did. It's prob a scam to get benefits/unemployment checks from the government.

 

She is obviously a scam. She's only after your hard-earned money. She does not have your best interest at heart, she's only looking out for herself. She's greedy, manipulative, and deceiving. You need to drop her quick! She is very bad news. Let her know that the relationship is over. It is a disservice to you and your children to plan to marry a woman like that. She's one of these military men hunters who prey on men for money then she's on to the next one after she depletes you. She's a scam artist. Watch out. Leave the gold digger on her own. She's a disgrace. You'd be a fool to continue a relationship with her and a bigger fool to marry her.

Edited September 9, 2013 by ThisGal

[FitChick]

Whenever you waver and think of going over to the dark side, think of your kids. They deserve that money. If you died and she got 20% she'd probably contest the rest of the money and imagine the stress your kids would have to deal with. Plenty of other women out there who are so much better.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You definitely need to snap out of it, because this woman is playing you like a fiddle ever since she scoped you out on FB.

 

You might think this is all a surprise and coincidence, but this woman is dependent and when she glanced at you initially on FB I can assure you that she very, very likely played mini-detective and all in advance planned the whole situation of "trapping you", she knows what her "assets" her, she's a basket case and they're usually good in bed and that's part of the manipulation often times...she knew she had you as soon as she started with her sad story - emotional breakdown and like a fool you bought it because you were likely looking for someone to connect to and listen, you fell for her tactics to reel you in like a big fish with your military career...if you didn't have anything to offer this woman she'd probably have clicked right past you and moved on to some other man on FB.

 

Don't even think twice about sacrificing your career benefits or feeling obligated to support this woman...she is going to make you feel sorry for her and play the victim, that's how she taps into your naïve brain and plays you for a fool...put your kids first and keep them that way, you're wavering too much and letting this woman have too great of an influence on you and a woman like this is going to push and get what she wants if she knows she can get away with it...of course she buckled under the revision of your retirement you proposed but she just changed the tactic to get some benefit out of it, she's not going to stop and give up...you're still a "good catch" on paper in her book...don't even think this is about love but she's a salesman and wants you to sign on the dotted line before you've had too much time to think about it even though your gut is telling you something isn't right or off about this person...but she's playing on your "nice guy" string and guilt tripping you, then she even threatens you by moving in with other men....this girl might have you pu$$y whipped as well as emotionally but that's because she's trying to get what she wants, she's setting herself up for her future plans and you don't even see it...this woman doesn't seem like the type to give a damn about your kids, she just sees you as this committed good guy who'll stick around....once she's got you married and on the hook she's going to get even worse or might even mess around behind your back swallowing some other poor sap up.

 

Don't believe the ***** man, kick her to the damn curb, stop trying to "figure it out" and rationalize it, she's playing with your head and she's setting your @ss up right underneath your nose, she's got everything to gain. She'll do and change whatever she has to do to convince your little brain she's on the same page for the meantime to get what she wants, because she's manipulating you not because she's really onboard.

[Devildog1981]

Yes I agree, I have made very poor decisions. I shouldn't have gotten involved.

 

I'm in NC.

 

These orders really put everything in a tough spot. But that's the military and I must execute them soon.

 

In my heart, I would rather not marry. If it weren't for the orders I wouldn't do it. I need more time. I need time to think. Going to Japan is probably good for me in that regard. She insist on marriage.

 

Yes I know I should end it. I guess I'm conflicted with a lot of guilt. She professes her love for me, says that I'm so amazing and she has health, financial issues. I know it's not my job to take care of her...my kids needs me though.

 

I do feel ashamed though. I spent a lot of time alone during my separation/divorce. I tried to read and learn as much as I could about self improvement/relationships.

 

I suppose there are many lessons for me to learn. Because now I'm asking myself what inside of me thought it was ok to get involved in the first place. I thought I was stronger. Now I'm not so sure.

 

I read a little on BPD and cluster B personalities and I see a lot of similarities. I'm no Doctor so I can't label anyone. I was just looking for answers back in Nov and stumbled across a few websites.

 

I'm re-enlisting today for 4 more years. Although I could get out I have my children I must provide for. Right now I can provide a steady stream of child support and health benefits. My children have a great family network and I am so happy that they have that. I know when I am away they will be taken care of. I just hope they understand why I had to leave. They are 9 and 7.

 

Thanks again for all of the responses.