Wambo Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I'm officially back in an emotional affair with a co worker. She had been going through a lot recently and I'm not a person who would kick someone when they are down. Especially this person was a former friend and our platonic friendship crossed the line into an EA. The only problem I can see coming my way, instead of using this new EA to take a break from her situation and gaining the strength to deal with her problems. I do believe she will want to remain in the EA because it's her primary relationship giving her grief and because my abcense from her life? So my question is what to do about this? What had other people done to ease their AP pain?
Feb Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I'm officially back in an emotional affair with a co worker. She had been going through a lot recently and I'm not a person who would kick someone when they are down. Especially this person was a former friend and our platonic friendship crossed the line into an EA. The only problem I can see coming my way, instead of using this new EA to take a break from her situation and gaining the strength to deal with her problems. I do believe she will want to remain in the EA because it's her primary relationship giving her grief and because my abcense from her life? So my question is what to do about this? What had other people done to ease their AP pain? Hi Wambo -- I posted on the other thread. I'm afraid your 'help' confuses things even further for her and does not allow her to heal herself, which is what she needs to do. Your support may ease her pain in the short term, but not long term. I was in your situation ... my xAP was going through a lot and I thought my being there for him was the best thing. He felt it was too for a while, but then it really screwed with all his emotions. He said he needed time to sort out his feelings and we both went NC. I think ultimately the NC allowed him to focus on his problems and problems with his family without me being his lover/advisor/therapist. I'm assuming your co-worker is old enough and has sense enough to figure out her own problems. Doing it on her own will ultimately help her own self-esteem which is what she really needs. You don't have to be cold to her, but you do need to limit contact and let her go. 2
psm04 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 You are being too nice, just like I was. I know you said you don't want to kick someone when they're down, but how do YOU feel about being there for her, but knowing that at the end of the day, after you have been there for her and listened to her, she goes back to the person and the life that she was complaining about? Isn't that kicking you when you are already down? As long as she knows that you are there to listen to her, she will continue to come to you, instead of proactively dealing with her issues. Plus, when it comes to issues in the M, you will be the wrong person to talk to, because of the A. Sometimes, when my xOMM started bitch*ng about his wife, I'd be thinking 'then leave her'. I couldn't really provide constructive criticism about anything that they were going through without sounding like I had a hidden agenda. 2
Owl Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Wambo...she wants you to be her KISA...and you seem to be willing to accept that role. If you set no boundaries...if you enforce no limits in what you will accept in a relationship...then expect nothing to change. Other than that, I've got no good advice for you. If you feel that you have to "save her" from her primary relationship...then you're going to remain where you're at for the forseeable future. 1
trailrunner1975 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 It sounds more like an "emotional tampon" relationship than an EA. If at the end of the day she runs back to him while crying all over your shoulder about things, gradually phase in LC then NC. I know what I posted sounds harsh (and I will probably get blasted for it) but in the end you will be stuck where you are forever. Let her SO shoulder the baggage, not you. Mine started pulling away emotionally but stepped up her complaining about her H. I wasn't having it as she knew how to fix things but wasn't going to. Best move I ever made. Oh and having set benchmarks for yourself and sticking with them helps too.
trailrunner1975 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) I should add that in my case she was making up most of the bad stuff about him as well. I think she fed off the drama. Once I figured out the bs she was sending my way, I simply ignored any text griping about him/her. Edited September 9, 2013 by trailrunner1975
Sarabi Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 When my whole thing was ending I spoke to a friend. She said my MM was playing the "poor little bird with a broken wing" story. He is making me feel sorry for him and his situation. Even making you feel bad for his wife... She asked me "where do you feature in this? You have no place in his life or his story...he is putting himself first" Well. That is kinda true of your lady too... So. Good sir. Christmas and the party season are coming. Instead of her rubbing her head on your shoulder to dry her tears...YOU should be out rubbing shoulders with the rest of us young and restless and having fun. Not creating chaos in any spare brainspace you have about this woman and her marriage...dealing with them and their problems is a headf##k, trust me. (But if you want to help then think of yourself. Time is money and your time is valuable...charge for your services just like all other counsellors do ) 1
Author Wambo Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 There is a misunderstanding here. When I said she was upset, i didn't mean she was coming up to me and sobbering away about her boyfriend mistreating her. What I actually meant she was determine to restart the EA anyway possible and she didn't take the rejection well. She was getting hurt but still commited and that why I backed down. There had to be a reason why she went to great lengths to restart the EA and my guess is her relationship is falling apart. Now our conversation was very interesting. The reason I say interesting it like the last ten months or so never happened and it was very platonic. What's more interesting is the failer to mention the current status of her relationship and gave me the impression she is still living with her parents. When actual fact i know what street she moved to thanks to her tweets, detective work and google map. The best solution I can come up with, is to pursade her to get help and at least inform her parents of the situation. 1
Lillyfree Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 why is it your job to sort out her life? 1
ForeverHopeful1 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Stop it. You cant fix this. She is lying about where she lives. She is being distant. She clearly doesn't want saving from you or anyone else. What would your wife do if she knew you were attempting to save this poor Damsel in Distress? Why are you willing to save her from her abusive husband but not willing to save your wife from you.... you A.K.A. your wife's abusive husband!!!! 1
Author Wambo Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 why is it your job to sort out her life? So I can sort out mine.
Author Wambo Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Stop it. You cant fix this. She is lying about where she lives. She is being distant. She clearly doesn't want saving from you or anyone else. What would your wife do if she knew you were attempting to save this poor Damsel in Distress? Why are you willing to save her from her abusive husband but not willing to save your wife from you.... you A.K.A. your wife's abusive husband!!!! I'm married? No Contact means NO Contact and the only way NO Contact will work if there is No Contact. So how can I move on with my life if she's is troubled and pestering me everyday to restart the EA? The best possible solution is I'm going to take big hit but at the sametime I can guide her to some help. Otherwise she will be at my reformed barriers and breaking them down in days and the whole process will start again. NC can't be achieve if she doesn't co operate or know what needs to be done to improve her life.
psm04 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I'm married? No Contact means NO Contact and the only way NO Contact will work if there is No Contact. So how can I move on with my life if she's is troubled and pestering me everyday to restart the EA? The best possible solution is I'm going to take big hit but at the sametime I can guide her to some help. Otherwise she will be at my reformed barriers and breaking them down in days and the whole process will start again. NC can't be achieve if she doesn't co operate or know what needs to be done to improve her life. I am also being 'pestered' with 'hey's and other random conversations. There is nothing inappropriate, but I guess he is wanting to keep the talking going. I'm only more irritated by it, since that shows even more that he doesn't respect what is best and what I need. I know that he is smart enough to understand what I've told him, but he chooses to ignore it and reaches out anyway. At least I'm only giving him short answers and trying to be professional. If you can't go NC because she continues to come to you, you can still just treat it as an acquaintance type of thing. You don't have to be her shoulder to cry on, especially if it makes you feel bad in the end.
Lillyfree Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 So I can sort out mine. no. you are actually not helping her by being her knight in shining armour. and you don't seem to be getting much enjoyment out of being one anyway. the way to help her is to tell her to sort out her life herself. she's a big girl, she can do it.
Author Wambo Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 I am also being 'pestered' with 'hey's and other random conversations. There is nothing inappropriate, but I guess he is wanting to keep the talking going. I'm only more irritated by it, since that shows even more that he doesn't respect what is best and what I need. I know that he is smart enough to understand what I've told him, but he chooses to ignore it and reaches out anyway. At least I'm only giving him short answers and trying to be professional. If you can't go NC because she continues to come to you, you can still just treat it as an acquaintance type of thing. You don't have to be her shoulder to cry on, especially if it makes you feel bad in the end. There's something causing a rift in her relationship and it ain't me. The other day I spotted her looking for me on my department. The only reason she didn't see me because I was walking behind her at some distance.
Author Wambo Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Let me get this straight: You break up with someone. She is heartbroken, blabbering sobbing that you broke up with her. So you get back together with her to "help" her?? And this makes sense how? Wrong! Yes I ended the emotional affair but that happened late last year. It not just a recent event then all of a sudden we getting back together again. The EA ended about ten months ago but there are some contact between us. We both working in the same building and we do bump into each other. There is no other way around it. The question is why all of a sudden she's commited to me. We haven't properly spoken to each other untill now and why the commitment all of a sudden?
Author Wambo Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Let me get this straight: You break up with someone. She is heartbroken, blabbering sobbing that you broke up with her. So you get back together with her to "help" her?? And this makes sense how? That where you are wrong. The situation is yes I backed down only because she was upset and I didn't want her to do anything stupid. At the moment I don't know what going on in her life or why she went against my plans on moving on. End of the day I don't know if she is getting help she needed, is she being isolated or getting bad advice? Where before the situation was straight forward and stay out of her way, now I need to tackle the situation head on and guide her out of this mess. I'm not going to go in depth and I just going to give her good advice and tell her the facts. The main thing I'm not back in the fog, she doesn't have any of my contact details and more importantly I haven't arrange to meet up with her outside of work.
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