MEGABYTEPR Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 (edited) I have been reading your forums for the last couple of hours and reading about divorce online something I never thought I would be doing but I have been doing it. Here goes nothing: I have been married to my wife for two going on three years on February, ever since the relationship started we have always had our issues, fights, disagreements ect, but we managed to stay together broke up a couple of times but came back and then we decided to get married I thought that would fix most of the issues but I was wrong. Coming into this relationship she had a little girl lovely our relationship is good I'm not the nicest guy in the world with kids but I try. Fast forward to married times currently we have no sex I don't feel like it (no I don't have it on the side) , I don't find it to be important in my life not like before anyways, we constantly fight and disagree about almost anything lets say of seven days we have one good day maybe two rarely. Sometimes the fights get very loud and physical she can throw things at me and I will just stand there and take it and make some stupid comment. We never fight in front of her child. She goes out with her friends from work its ok with me, those days I just come home. I don't really have many friends I like my alone time. I've never mixed my work life with my married life, I work for a big company and have many coworkers but never mixed the two. The last couple of weeks things have gotten worst the fights and the insults are longer and we have talked about divorce she has even asked when am I going to leave. The desicion to leave is in my hands now but I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go I think about it over and over, in my mind I sometimes daydream of a life by myself doing what I want, this stopped being a relationship a long time ago. I want to leave but I just don't know if I should just do that but I always have believed that happiness is the most important thing in life and I am truly not happy here I can't I hate fighting and we do it so much. Sometimes I think that a relationship is more than love, I believe we do love each other but I don't think we can be together we want so many different things for our lives it's just so mind intensive. It has all turned into fight disrespect and no sex for us. If anybody has any advice I will gladly appreciate it. Edited September 8, 2013 by MEGABYTEPR
Moniq Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Hi there, Im no expert in this but give you my thoughts. I don't think that people that fight constantly should be together. That to me means that you both bring out the worst in each other rather than the good. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship but if it ever get physical or emotionally draining, then its time to call it quits. Im sure you all love each other but like in my case there was no love on his part, yet we never fought and always respected each other if we got into arguments. I will say this, there was no clear communication in my relationship. That was the epic down fall. If your marriage is about to collapse then there is nothing to lose by talking to each other honestly and with out raising your voice. Tell her that you both need to change in order for the marriage to work. Let her see that you are willing to fight for the relationship if you all come to an agreement about how you'll all handle your relationship. If it doesn't work at least you know you tried, she'll know you tried and hopefully end things on a good note. Good luck and sorry you have to be put in this situation. 2
Dolphono Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Very sad to see so many married people have zero clue on what "Until Death Do Us Part" actually means. Since divorce is the cool, no big deal fad of today. By all means turn the lights out on your marriage. I would advise you to honor your vows, but that's just me. I never married because people today have no clue what that means. That way, when I fell like you, I can tell her to "BEAT IT!" or just cheat on her if she's clingy. 3
Misfortune Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 There are resources for pretty much everything under the sun. People use the Internet all relationship long but rarely ever look for ways to fix their relationships(counseling, doing things that require trust, etc). Everything happens too late.
trippi1432 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I have to say, Moniq gives the soundest advice here and brings up a very valid point. The best relationships do not bring out the worst in each other. I'll add to that, when two people rely on the other to make them happy, they won't be happy. They have to be happy with who they are first before they can bring happiness to any situation, especially a relationship. One other thing, you married a single mom. She is going to have boundaries around her child that should be respected, can I ask how many of your disagreements stem around this factor? Lastly, throwing things is immature and drama-laden. My exH used to throw and break things. Usually my things....sometimes people think that fighting, issues, throwing things, breaking things is a testament to their "passion", it's a testament to their immaturity. I've done it too though, took me 15 years of being screamed and yelled at, but I finally whizzed a food processor by my exH's nose by a few inches. I get the part about the getting the "alone" time and being glad for it in a relationship where the two of you bring out the worst in each other. I still think that had my aim been better, I would have gotten 15 minutes of quiet with him knocked out while I made dinner for my parents who were caring for my Alzheimer's Grandmother. At the end of the day, the best relationships bring out the best of each other. That takes two people who see each other's value and what they bring in a positive way to a relationship. Both of you are seeking some sort of control (you by not wanting sex, her by throwing things)...that will never work as mutual respect has been diminished. 1
RonaldS Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Very sad to see so many married people have zero clue on what "Until Death Do Us Part" actually means. Since divorce is the cool, no big deal fad of today. By all means turn the lights out on your marriage. I would advise you to honor your vows, but that's just me. I never married because people today have no clue what that means. That way, when I fell like you, I can tell her to "BEAT IT!" or just cheat on her if she's clingy. So, you've never been married, never been stuck in a relationship that's made life almost unlivable, never committed to and gave everything you had to a person only to have have them not do anything to hold up their end of the bargain, or become abusive or emotionally negligent, but you have no problem casting judgement on people who have or are going through that? OK. Got it.
revitup Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Monique and trippi have this right,so right it hurts. I have to say, Moniq gives the soundest advice here and brings up a very valid point. The best relationships do not bring out the worst in each other. I'll add to that, when two people rely on the other to make them happy, they won't be happy. They have to be happy with who they are first before they can bring happiness to any situation, especially a relationship. That BOLD line is so simple and still it's the best way to understand what's happening. Great post both of you. Sorry for your pain OP.Is there more info/background in this? REVITUP
Author MEGABYTEPR Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 I have to say, Moniq gives the soundest advice here and brings up a very valid point. The best relationships do not bring out the worst in each other. I'll add to that, when two people rely on the other to make them happy, they won't be happy. They have to be happy with who they are first before they can bring happiness to any situation, especially a relationship. One other thing, you married a single mom. She is going to have boundaries around her child that should be respected, can I ask how many of your disagreements stem around this factor? Lastly, throwing things is immature and drama-laden. My exH used to throw and break things. Usually my things....sometimes people think that fighting, issues, throwing things, breaking things is a testament to their "passion", it's a testament to their immaturity. I've done it too though, took me 15 years of being screamed and yelled at, but I finally whizzed a food processor by my exH's nose by a few inches. I get the part about the getting the "alone" time and being glad for it in a relationship where the two of you bring out the worst in each other. I still think that had my aim been better, I would have gotten 15 minutes of quiet with him knocked out while I made dinner for my parents who were caring for my Alzheimer's Grandmother. At the end of the day, the best relationships bring out the best of each other. That takes two people who see each other's value and what they bring in a positive way to a relationship. Both of you are seeking some sort of control (you by not wanting sex, her by throwing things)...that will never work as mutual respect has been diminished. I took me a while to understand the boundaries with the child but i got it over time, the thing that bothers me the most is she not accepting my input regarding her child or the opinions I have on the way she is being raised. All my comments and advise are not well taken or not considered at all.
trippi1432 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Mega - taking on an active role in the child's life is a hard one, but if you are really sincere that you want that role, you might want to calmly speak to her about it. Let her know you are not being critical, you sincerely care for her and the child. Just as info. Your ages? Age of the child? Is the father in the picture?
GuyInLimbo Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Very sad to see so many married people have zero clue on what "Until Death Do Us Part" actually means. Since divorce is the cool, no big deal fad of today. By all means turn the lights out on your marriage. I would advise you to honor your vows, but that's just me. I never married because people today have no clue what that means. That way, when I fell like you, I can tell her to "BEAT IT!" or just cheat on her if she's clingy. Yeah, because it's healthier to stay in a verbally abusive relationship... 2
Dolphono Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Yeah, because it's healthier to stay in a verbally abusive relationship... Relationship or Marriage?
Author MEGABYTEPR Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Relationship or Marriage? Marriage.....
Dolphono Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Marriage..... The couple should seek professional assistance with the verbal hostilities.... It's grounds to end a relationship, but not a Marriage. During tough times in a Marriage, people need to look in the mirror and fight for their oath. "Til death", is not some ceremonial rhetoric. It's a promise that you WILL NOT part ways with this person, until death part ways for you.....
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