I had her under the covers & failed to pull the trigger.

[Divasu]

but I am going to wait a few weeks before I do anything. I might be going to visit one of her female friends, who happens to be one of my best friends. if she ever found out she might get jealous. It could help my case.

 

If you do that, she may think the reason you didn't "pull the trigger" is because you're pursuing/sleeping with other women. Then you will have shot yourself in the foot, twice.

 

There's no reason for her to be "angry" with you just because you didn't have sex with her when you were both naked. The only reason she would have a right to be angry with you, is if she interprets your actions thereafter as dishonest and sleezy.

[Drewx2]

If you do that, she may think the reason you didn't "pull the trigger" is because you're pursuing/sleeping with other women. Then you will have shot yourself in the foot, twice.

 

There's no reason for her to be "angry" with you just because you didn't have sex with her when you were both naked. The only reason she would have a right to be angry with you, is if she interprets your actions thereafter as dishonest and sleezy.

 

we we'rent naked..I know it's not your fault. Somebody used the word "naked" earlier and it took off. But we were fully clothed.

 

I know there's no reason for her to feel "angry" but there is a reason for her to feel "rejected" and that's just as bad in my opinion.

 

In the end it doesn't really matter what she thinks. What matters is what I do, and that I take action if given another chance.

[RogerWallace111]

I may have missed something but if she was eagerly kissing you after said puss-out nothing has been lost... Right, what's the deal ? Like I said I may have overlooked some other development. She either perceived your lack of action as timidity or as disinterest. If you kissed her back with some oomph she probably was able to rule out the latter and knows you were just nervous in bed.

 

Regardless, like I said, I think you're still in a good position. When your last contact with a girl was an enthusiastic kiss you should just assume the best.

 

Deep speculative analysis of where her head might be at is unnecessary to say the least, and I've only observed this tendency in guys who struggle with romance. The innately confident, laid-back types who do well with the ladies typically just take things on face value. I.e. "She kissed me and seemed to enjoy it. She's interested." And that's that.

[Divasu]

we we'rent naked..I know it's not your fault. Somebody used the word "naked" earlier and it took off. But we were fully clothed.

 

I know there's no reason for her to feel "angry" but there is a reason for her to feel "rejected" and that's just as bad in my opinion.

 

In the end it doesn't really matter what she thinks. What matters is what I do, and that I take action if given another chance.

 

Oh. Gotcha.

Rejected, in my mind, means someone trying to advance or pursue but the person on the receiving end, declines or demonstrates inaction to it. As opposed to two people laying under the covers fully clothed and neither are making any "moves". It now sounds like you were both kinda just sitting there, inactive.

 

Next time around, just demonstrate to her that you are interested, sexually and otherwise. That is what will alleviate any possible "rejection" in her mind's eye. If you push it off for weeks and flaunt interactions with other women for her to see, you're just reinforcing your initial inaction. At which point, you'll either get a swift kick in the a*s, or, a warm and welcoming invitation from her, or indifference altogether.

[RogerWallace111]

Oh. Gotcha.

Rejected, in my mind, means someone trying to advance or pursue but the person on the receiving end, declines or demonstrates inaction to it. As opposed to two people laying under the covers fully clothed and neither are making any "moves". It now sounds like you were both kinda just sitting there, inactive.

 

 

My thoughts exactly. I'm not buying the idea she felt "rejected", that just seems like a cop-out interpretation that pleasantly paints you to be the desired one in some sense and allows you to feel like you were the one in control. Not saying you're consciously doing that but- "She wanted me, but I didn't pull the trigger- I think I hurt her feelings" is a nicer idea to hold onto than "She gave me an opportunity, I was too nervous to take it, and now she thinks I'm weak."

 

Not that it matters cause like I said, I think you're in great shape. I think she does like you, knows you were nervous, but will gladly hang with you again and see what happens.

[RogerWallace111]

And please don't send her a message saying "I want to see you again". It sounds so stoicly dramatic. You're not in some turn-of-the-century period-piece about a star-crossed romance between European aristocrats

 

Be light-hearted...

[Drewx2]

I may have missed something but if she was eagerly kissing you after said puss-out nothing has been lost... Right, what's the deal ? Like I said I may have overlooked some other development. She either perceived your lack of action as timidity or as disinterest. If you kissed her back with some oomph she probably was able to rule out the latter and knows you were just nervous in bed.

 

Regardless, like I said, I think you're still in a good position. When your last contact with a girl was an enthusiastic kiss you should just assume the best.

 

Deep speculative analysis of where her head might be at is unnecessary to say the least, and I've only observed this tendency in guys who struggle with romance. The innately confident, laid-back types who do well with the ladies typically just take things on face value. I.e. "She kissed me and seemed to enjoy it. She's interested." And that's that.

 

she gave me no opportunity for advancement after the kiss, but It was strange because she was more than ready to hang out with me. For example: a few days later i went over to her place, sat on her couch, and she picked the sofa halfway across the room. I should of told her to come sit with me but I didn't. I was really confused. Why did she want me to come over? And after that we went for a walk in the snow one day. I took her home and she ran inside to avoid a kiss. She even left her keys in the door...really flaky. Days later I ask her out again and she gives me a " you always want to hang out but you act like you're not interested" text.

 

Was she acting so weird because she didn't know what she wanted? It's frustrating because I know she was attracted to me in some way based on her actions.

[Drewx2]

And please don't send her a message saying "I want to see you again". It sounds so stoicly dramatic. You're not in some turn-of-the-century period-piece about a star-crossed romance between European aristocrats

 

Be light-hearted...

 

Hows "I want to see you again. I'll call you tonight :)"

 

I think a smiley face lightens the vibe enough, don't you?

[RogerWallace111]

she gave me no opportunity for advancement after the kiss, but It was strange because she was more than ready to hang out with me. For example: a few days later i went over to her place, sat on her couch, and she picked the sofa halfway across the room. I should of told her to come sit with me but I didn't. I was really confused. Why did she want me to come over? And after that we went for a walk in the snow one day. I took her home and she ran inside to avoid a kiss. She even left her keys in the door...really flaky. Days later I ask her out again and she gives me a " you always want to hang out but you act like you're not interested" text.

 

Was she acting so weird because she didn't know what she wanted? It's frustrating because I know she was attracted to me in some way based on her actions.

 

Ooooh, so you've been with her since. Apologies for not fully reading. Well dude, I won't do as so many on here do and act like my assessment is the authoritative, absolutely correct one, buuuut...

 

Based on what you've said, it's extremely f*cking clear she's down for you, and just wants to see you man up and take it !!

 

If she says "you always want to hang out but you act like you're not interested", she wants you. OBVIOUSLY. Would someone interested in platonic friendship utter that sentence to you ? More specifically it means she's frustrated that she's made herself available to you over and over (which in most female minds is almost equivalent to telling you outright she's into you) to no avail. She knows you like her. She can tell by your nervousness and inaction, actually. She wants you, but she probably is feeling "rejected" in the sense that she's thinking your attraction to her isn't strong enough to make you get a little bold and cut free from whatever it is that inhibits you. It's a different type of rejection than actually feeling unwanted, as like I said, she knows you want her.

 

I'm gonna propose that at this point you go for the hail mary, whether it be by text or phone call. If you were near her I'd say just knock on her door, grab her, kiss her, take her to the bedroom. Since you're not, I'd say give her something like...

 

"I don't know why I kept f*cking around and not making a move when I had you with me. You know I want you... When can I see you ? :)"

 

^I don't standby this exact wording necessarily, but that's what I would say if I were in your situation. Anything to that effect works, just don't pussyfoot around the matter.

[Drewx2]

Ooooh, so you've been with her since. Apologies for not fully reading. Well dude, I won't do as so many on here do and act like my assessment is the authoritative, absolutely correct one, buuuut...

 

Based on what you've said, it's extremely f*cking clear she's down for you, and just wants to see you man up and take it !!

 

If she says "you always want to hang out but you act like you're not interested", she wants you. OBVIOUSLY. Would someone interested in platonic friendship utter that sentence to you ? More specifically it means she's frustrated that she's made herself available to you over and over (which in most female minds is almost equivalent to telling you outright she's into you) to no avail. She knows you like her. She can tell by your nervousness and inaction, actually. She wants you, but she probably is feeling "rejected" in the sense that she's thinking your attraction to her isn't strong enough to make you get a little bold and cut free from whatever it is that inhibits you. It's a different type of rejection than actually feeling unwanted, as like I said, she knows you want her.

 

I'm gonna propose that at this point you go for the hail mary, whether it be by text or phone call. If you were near her I'd say just knock on her door, grab her, kiss her, take her to the bedroom. Since you're not, I'd say give her something like...

 

"I don't know why I kept f*cking around and not making a move when I had you with me. You know I want you... When can I see you ? :)"

 

^I don't standby this exact wording necessarily, but that's what I would say if I were in your situation. Anything to that effect works, just don't pussyfoot around the matter.

 

no problem, I never even brought out the details of our relationship other than "I like her a lot."

 

Anyway now I'm torn between my original message "I want to see you again. I'll call you tonight :)" and the one you gave me.

 

As many people have said, All that really matters is that she either wants to hear from me, or she don't. Either way it doesn't help to send a catchy message.

 

"I don't know why I kept f*cking around and not making a move when I had you with me. You know I want you... When can I see you ? :)"

[RogerWallace111]

Hows "I want to see you again. I'll call you tonight :)"

 

I think a smiley face lightens the vibe enough, don't you?

 

In light of the info you've now shared, like I said in my previous post, I think it's time to get bold.

 

If you were to just say the above, it gives no indication that things will go any differently this time than they have before. You need to progress things - raise the bar - not lower it. Once you've kissed a girl "I want to see you again" isn't a statement with much suggestive gravity.

 

She knows you like her and she wants you to be forward. Do it. Plus, in my experience, getting that stuff in the open before you're actually with her can alleviate almost all the self-doubt and over-thinking of the situation once you're there. It's all just about honesty really. The long-term, underlying stress of having to hide your feelings is a lot worse than the one-time stress of putting yourself out there.

[Drewx2]

In light of the info you've now shared, like I said in my previous post, I think it's time to get bold.

 

If you were to just say the above, it gives no indication that things will go any differently this time than they have before. You need to progress things - raise the bar - not lower it. Once you've kissed a girl "I want to see you again" isn't a statement with much suggestive gravity.

 

She knows you like her and she wants you to be forward. Do it. Plus, in my experience, getting that stuff in the open before you're actually with her can alleviate almost all the self-doubt and over-thinking of the situation once you're there. It's all just about honesty really. The long-term, underlying stress of having to hide your feelings is a lot worse than the one-time stress of putting yourself out there.

 

I'm sold...for the next 45 minutes at least. haha my gameplan has changed like 984 times in the past 3 days.

 

I'll probably change "f*cking" to "dicking".. it's seems a little more playful and less dramatic.

[Simon Phoenix]

Way too much drama and overreaction by both sides. Drew, just act normal and do what RogerWallace said. And Dallers, stop overreacting as well. Just because you don't f*ck a woman the first time she's in bed with you doesn't mean you are done forever.

 

For example, I was in the early stages of dating a woman and me, her sister and her sister's boyfriend ended up at my place after a long day/night of drinking. The woman I was seeing passed out on the couch with her sister while her boyfriend fell asleep on the floor, so I just went to bed. In the middle of the night, the girl I was seeing hopped into bed with me but by the time I woke up and figured out what was going on, she was fast asleep next to me. Knowing that most women hate to be woken up for sex (especially when we hadn't done it yet), I just went back to sleep. Apparently this was the right move, because the situation played itself out again (without the extreme drunkeness) less than a week later and the deal was sealed.

[RogerWallace111]

no problem, I never even brought out the details of our relationship other than "I like her a lot."

 

Anyway now I'm torn between my original message "I want to see you again. I'll call you tonight :)" and the one you gave me.

 

As many people have said, All that really matters is that she either wants to hear from me, or she don't. Either way it doesn't help to send a catchy message.

 

"I don't know why I kept f*cking around and not making a move when I had you with me. You know I want you... When can I see you ? :)"

 

I completely disagree. I think the situation is this: She doesn't want to see you if you're just gonna give her more of the same inaction. She will want to see you if you she has reason to believe you've seen the light and you're gonna go for it and not keep her bored/hanging.

 

Thus the message is of great importance. The "I want to see you again, etc" thing gives her no reason to believe anything will be different. Like she said, you always wanna hang out but you act disinterested. She will just interpret this as another invite to hang out, whether it has a slightly romantic tone or not. You've kissed this girl so it wouldn't be breaking any new ground.

[Drewx2]

Way too much drama and overreaction by both sides. Drew, just act normal and do what RogerWallace said. And Dallers, stop overreacting as well. Just because you don't f*ck a woman the first time she's in bed with you doesn't mean you are done forever.

 

For example, I was in the early stages of dating a woman and me, her sister and her sister's boyfriend ended up at my place after a long day/night of drinking. The woman I was seeing passed out on the couch with her sister while her boyfriend fell asleep on the floor, so I just went to bed. In the middle of the night, the girl I was seeing hopped into bed with me but by the time I woke up and figured out what was going on, she was fast asleep next to me. Knowing that most women hate to be woken up for sex (especially when we hadn't done it yet), I just went back to sleep. Apparently this was the right move, because the situation played itself out again (without the extreme drunkeness) less than a week later and the deal was sealed.

 

Well in your case she was probably aware of the fact that she was drunk and that maybe you had a little class. I bet she gained some respect for you..my girl, on the other hand, was completely sober as was I. Besides the point, I think alcohol does more good than bad in these types of situations.

 

I have rejected two other women in bed because I was nervous...I give absolutely no f*cks about missing these opportunities. This girl is different. I actually liked her so I feel bad and need to do something about it.

[Drewx2]

I completely disagree. I think the situation is this: She doesn't want to see you if you're just gonna give her more of the same inaction. She will want to see you if you she has reason to believe you've seen the light and you're gonna go for it and not keep her bored/hanging.

 

Thus the message is of great importance. The "I want to see you again, etc" thing gives her no reason to believe anything will be different. Like she said, you always wanna hang out but you act disinterested. She will just interpret this as another invite to hang out, whether it has a slightly romantic tone or not. You've kissed this girl so it wouldn't be breaking any new ground.

 

Your stock is increasing my friend

[RogerWallace111]

I can relate man, I was in more-or-less the same situation with the first girl I was ever really into. And lost her. Granted I was 17 and got over it after a week.

 

Seriously, I've learned more and more that all this sh*t comes down to being honest and eliminating incongruity between your feelings, actions and words.

[Drewx2]

I can relate man, I was in more-or-less the same situation with the first girl I was ever really into. And lost her. Granted I was 17 and got over it after a week.

 

Seriously, I've learned more and more that all this sh*t comes down to being honest and eliminating incongruity between your feelings, actions and words.

 

I'm definitely learning. I will never do this again! How'd you get over it in a week?

 

It's been torturing me since Last May!...the only two things that are going to make it better are a nice "f*ck you" or "f*ck me" from her. I'd prefer not to hear "f*ck you" but it's much better than leaving anything on the table.

[RogerWallace111]

Don't remember the specifics- I'm 25 now- but I just kept up with my sh*t and forgot about it. That whole experience was beyond dwarfed by losing a girl I actually loved and developed a deep bond with over 3 years.

 

The type of out-going people who act the same around everyone have it really easy. When you're the type who has difficulty finding those with whom you can really be yourself, and thus are really happy when you locate & get to know one of those people, it's hard not to mourn their leaving your life.

I guarantee the few different heartbreaks I've felt would've been significantly lessened if the idea of finding/connecting with another girl hadn't seemed so daunting at the time.

 

Yeah man I know that feeling... Closure can be very helpful, but when it comes at the cost of dealing with the person again after a long time- you're often better off not.

[Drewx2]

 

Yeah man I know that feeling... Closure can be very helpful, but when it comes at the cost of dealing with the person again after a long time- you're often better off not.

 

I don't quite understand. Are you saying that I shouldn't do this If I'm going to see her a lot in the future? I don't think I will, we do have a couple friends in common but our families live in different states.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well in your case she was probably aware of the fact that she was drunk and that maybe you had a little class. I bet she gained some respect for you..my girl, on the other hand, was completely sober as was I. Besides the point, I think alcohol does more good than bad in these types of situations.

 

I have rejected two other women in bed because I was nervous...I give absolutely no f*cks about missing these opportunities. This girl is different. I actually liked her so I feel bad and need to do something about it.

 

Probably, just saying that the "if you have a girl in your bed you have to f*ck her then and there or you are dead" thing that was being bandied about ITT isn't 100 percent by any means. In your situation, you need to relax and stop making it a big deal. It's done, it's over, just go back and do your thing. And if it doesn't work with this girl, then there will be others.

 

I think in general you need to stop overthinking and just act. I know what you are going through because I'm an overthinker by nature. But it's best to grip it and rip it.

[Drewx2]

Probably, just saying that the "if you have a girl in your bed you have to f*ck her then and there or you are dead" thing that was being bandied about ITT isn't 100 percent by any means. In your situation, you need to relax and stop making it a big deal. It's done, it's over, just go back and do your thing. And if it doesn't work with this girl, then there will be others.

 

I think in general you need to stop overthinking and just act. I know what you are going through because I'm an overthinker by nature. But it's best to grip it and rip it.

 

you obviously don't have to have sex with her, but you do need to make some kind of move.

[Simon Phoenix]

you obviously don't have to have sex with her, but you do need to make some kind of move.

 

Stop thinking about it. It's over. Learn and move forward.

[Drewx2]

The results are in:

 

me:"I don't know why i kept dicking around when I had you with me. You know I want you...when can I see you again? :)"

 

her:"I don't think you did anything wrong last year. I think we just don't mesh very well and I don't want to pursue anything more. I'm not staying in ******. As soon as I graduate, I'm going back home."

 

I'm glad i finally sent the message. I still think she was into me though..."I don't think you did anything wrong last year" what she really means---> "I don't think you did anything right last year" haha

 

at least I know it's completely dead now. I can relax & move on. One less thing to regret.

Edited September 13, 2013 by Drewx2

[Trimmer]

"Last year..." I'm sorry if I missed this point, but the titular "under the covers" incident was over 8 months ago? Ahhh.. Like I said, I may have missed it in the details, but I was going on the impression that this was a somewhat fresh situation, like it just happened and you were trying to figure out how to bump things off the fence.

 

If this was 8 months ago, and now you've gone to her and asked: "Hey remember that time? Hows about it? ? ?" then I have to admit, I can imagine her thinking it's kind of done and over. If it took you 8 months to react, then yeah, I can see how she might not think you mesh well.

 

Sorry about that, but yes, it's probably good for you that you got a clear response.

 

So in the future, based on how you've presented yourself here, you could probably afford to act a little more assertively, both under the covers, as well as interpersonally outside the bedroom.