BruisedBNBroken Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 So obviously many affairs end when a DDay occurs, either abruptly or otherwise. But then there are those affairs that you know are horrible, unhealthy and toxic yet you either can't or won't end them, or end them many times and get sucked backed in. My question is to those that ended the affair on their own accord while the high and the feelings were still there, how did you have the strength to do it? What was the final straw to make you decided this is it and you're never going back?
psm04 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 There were several straws for me. The lows among the highs weren't worth it. I felt that I couldn't work on my marriage productively while in the A. My marriage was getting better, and my H is a really good guy who didn't deserve it. I didn't want to be a bandaid for my OM's marriage. I wasn't going to allow him to use me to make himself happier. I hated the secrets. I hated the holidays, and summer vacations etc. Oh, and we were discussing meeting up one time, he said that that might be the weekend when they would be celebrating their anniversary. That one was the final straw. I have always lived with integrity, and this person that I had become wasn't me. I couldn't just sit there, and listen to him tell me that they might celebrate their anniversary and that we could meet up the next month. No, I wasn't a prostitute who was going to pencil her married clients in. I was just someone who fell in love with the wrong person. When you get to that point, the strength will come on it's own. You will know when enough is enough. I wasn't going to guilt myself into staying in it because he wasn't going to address the issues in his marriage. He avoided conflicts like anything. With his wife anyway. Maybe one of his reasons for staying with me was he could speak his mind. Well, he needs to learn to do that with his wife. There are so many more 'straws'! I don't want to take over though :-) 8
Feb Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 So obviously many affairs end when a DDay occurs, either abruptly or otherwise. But then there are those affairs that you know are horrible, unhealthy and toxic yet you either can't or won't end them, or end them many times and get sucked backed in. My question is to those that ended the affair on their own accord while the high and the feelings were still there, how did you have the strength to do it? What was the final straw to make you decided this is it and you're never going back? I guess he kind of dumped me even though he didn't say it. He just went from initiating contact every other hour to going days at a time without a text or hello. I became very angry and blew up about it a few times. The final time he just texted back that he needed time, and I decided I'd give him all the time he needed. At the time my pride prevented me from reaching out to him, although I will fully admit I waited for him to text me -- practically jumped out of my skin and leaped towards my cell phone when the text msg bell went off. After a few weeks passed, it was clear he wasn't going to contact me, and I wasn't going to contact either. The affair fog lifted, and I was actually happy the whole thing ended. i can confidently say I have the strength to not contact him again, because it's not going to make me feel good or bring anything positive into my life to ever hear from him again. 5
Goodbye Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 We didn't have a D-day. We were scheduled to meet up in a city in between us. I had my flights and the hotel was booked and he started waffling. I pressured him to come and then he revealed to me that things weren't as he'd represented...his wife had NOT asked him for a divorce/separation, in fact she had no idea there were problems at all in the marriage. Things were "stale," but not bad. Yes...I should have hung up the phone and moved on at that point. But, no. We met up anyway and at the end of our 4 days together, I told him he needed to be truthful with his wife. He swore he was going to. A week later, he still had not so I told him I was going to contact her. He freaked and said he was telling her that day and then called me back and said he needed "space." I went NC, he has periodically emailed me and he has called recently begging to talk (after 4 months NC). Nothing has changed, although he continues to swear up and down that he is leaving his wife. I don't respond to his emails, and emotionally I'm moving on. The only conflicted feeling I still have is about letting his wife know. I have serious doubts about what she knows, but I also don't want to entangle myself in that mess again.
KentuckyGent Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I guess he kind of dumped me even though he didn't say it. He just went from initiating contact every other hour to going days at a time without a text or hello. I became very angry and blew up about it a few times. Guess I'm not the only one that had this happen.
Feb Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Guess I'm not the only one that had this happen. Oh, this happens all the time. Usually there is a poster here who is upset that their AP suddenly went silent, or doesn't contact them as often and wants to know what is going on. Take the hint -- they are pulling away! Especially if the relationship is largely via texting, there is no way they are just too busy to not text you for days. If you can find time to take a piss, you can find time to text 'ILY'. My responses on these boards are to try to save someone from the humiliation ... I texted some crazy things when he went silent on me. The upsetting part was that we had an agreement/promise we would talk to each honestly and openly if wanted to back out of the A. Like with all A's, promises and honestly are very empty.
thefooloftheyear Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Oh, this happens all the time. Usually there is a poster here who is upset that their AP suddenly went silent, or doesn't contact them as often and wants to know what is going on. Take the hint -- they are pulling away! Especially if the relationship is largely via texting, there is no way they are just too busy to not text you for days. If you can find time to take a piss, you can find time to text 'ILY'. My responses on these boards are to try to save someone from the humiliation ... I texted some crazy things when he went silent on me. The upsetting part was that we had an agreement/promise we would talk to each honestly and openly if wanted to back out of the A. Like with all A's, promises and honestly are very empty. Well...look at it this way.. OW/OM like to use the phrase "actions speak louder than words"..... There you have it...it might not be the type of action you wanted...but the "action" of silence certainly speaks louder than words... Sorry for your pain. TFY
KentuckyGent Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Same here Feb. I was once told by my AP that she would be busy all week and wouldn't be in contacting much because she was "spring cleaning" her house. I acted like a groveling idiot when I got the silent treatment and lo and behold she was pulling away.
tryingto Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 So obviously many affairs end when a DDay occurs, either abruptly or otherwise. But then there are those affairs that you know are horrible, unhealthy and toxic yet you either can't or won't end them, or end them many times and get sucked backed in. My question is to those that ended the affair on their own accord while the high and the feelings were still there, how did you have the strength to do it? What was the final straw to make you decided this is it and you're never going back? We did not have a Dday (as far as I know). He told me even at one point towards the end that he had moved out with a roommate but ended up going back because his wife hurt her foot and he needed to help her?! It was shortly after that when I ended it but my final straw was the 47th deadline (that he imposed voluntarily, not because I pressured him to) that came and went without any action on his part. 47th might be an exaggeration because honestly I lost count after the 3 years of all promises and no action. I loved him when I ended it but love shouldn't hurt and I was being hurt every day. I finally forced myself to see the empty promises, the lies and the manipulations that I had closed my eyes to. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I was turning into a weak, insecure, mistrusting person that I did not recognize. I had to do it or I would've gone crazy!
affairaddict Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I told him it was no good for either of us. And I refuse to be no2 and never contact me again. I'm glad it was that way round. I feel my self esteem was restored, and he still very much wanted it to continue, it was getting more sexual after a year, the talk and the desire was overcoming us. Full Sex was on the cards, and as much as I craved it so much I got out before that happened. He said in one breathe if we sleep together we will have feelings and in another it will only mess with our heads if we let it. I really don't think he really thought of anything but the now. I was always thinking ahead and what could go wrong. In the end that thinking was my saviour.
affairaddict Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 It was the hardest thing to do. I've never finished with anyone I loved before its just the most horrible thing. There was no final straw it was simply thinking of myself hurt years down the line and getting out after 1 year was better than 2,3 10!
LilGirlandOW Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Oh, this happens all the time. Usually there is a poster here who is upset that their AP suddenly went silent, or doesn't contact them as often and wants to know what is going on. Take the hint -- they are pulling away! Especially if the relationship is largely via texting, there is no way they are just too busy to not text you for days. If you can find time to take a piss, you can find time to text 'ILY'. My responses on these boards are to try to save someone from the humiliation ... I texted some crazy things when he went silent on me. The upsetting part was that we had an agreement/promise we would talk to each honestly and openly if wanted to back out of the A. Like with all A's, promises and honestly are very empty. Feb/Kentucky, That is my worst fear in the A. Just dead cold silence. Were there any signs leading up to the dropped contact?
KentuckyGent Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Lil, it was more like a gradual thing in my case, but yes there were signs. We were fighting a lot because I wanted more and she couldn't/wouldn't give it. I was hanging on but the contact became less and less frequent (during the A's height we would sometimes have 5,000 or more texts in a month). The visits became less frequent. Minutes, turned into hours, which turned into days. We would break it off I would tell her not to contact me anymore then come crawling back. I would ignore her and she would crawl back to "check in" on me (read: make sure I'm still thinking of her, want her, validate her, etc.). Finally, 2 months had passed and nothing. She then would pop back in every couple of weeks just to get me to keep her on my mind so I couldn't move on. But if I contact her I get nothing. I still hurt a lot. Funny thing I just thought of recently but in hindsight was a sign: My last bday we "celebrated", the card I got from her just said 'happy birthday'; no "love", "ILY" or any other terms of affection. In contrast to the other 2 previous bdays we celebrated where she threw a surprise dinner for me with my friends.
Feb Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Feb/Kentucky, That is my worst fear in the A. Just dead cold silence. Were there any signs leading up to the dropped contact? Like Kentucky, the contact became less and less frequent. When he did initiate contact towards the end, there were a lot fewer terms of affection. He would go days at a time without contacting me. Like the others when we started, he texted me at least once an hour for more than 12 hours a day. I didn't count up our texts like Kentucky, but it was a lot for sure. During his last silence and and my subsequent blow-up, I told him how much it hurts when he goes silent. There was a lot there, but I just went on and on about how I worried about him and loved him so much and a bunch of blubbering nonsense. His response, "Ok, so I hear you -- silence hurts you. I will keep that in mind." No promises that he would try harder, or contact me regularly like he used to. A week later, he went silent again. So he did something that he knew would hurt me ... very nice. Again, I don't care how busy you are, short of being in a coma or dead. If you go from hundreds of texts a day to not even a simple "good morning", you know exactly what you are doing. I just wasn't smart enough at the time to pick up on the hint. Like Kentucky's AP, I got a bunch of B.S. excuses. He got "Spring Cleaning", I got "cleaning up my basement after a flood". Yeah, ok. Unlike Kentucky, after it was over, it was over. Neither one of us went fishing back for the other.
legalgirl Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 His wife got some message about him cheating. He blamed me for sending it which I did not. Like I would want that drama! He got scared and of course lied his a** off to her. At that point I realized that he was more worried about getting caught than he was about how I felt or being with me. I told him I was tired of the lies and excuses and it was obvious he was not leaving anytime soon. I went to his work and demanded he come outside and give me the key to my house. And that was that!
2sure Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I first lost respect then became bored with MM. Without the growth and outside stimulation of a relationship that is not hidden or restricted - it becomes redundant. I remember at one point , in talking about meeting up he was so thrilled to tell me we could get away for a few days (mid week) and I thought to myself...I can go away anytime I want, and over a weekend. Why would I take a day off of work to go a professional conference someone else is being paid to attend, regardless of the accomodations. It irritated me that he felt he was offering me something instead of taking something. That thought put a lot in motion for me as far as changing...oh, everything. 4
Goodbye Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I first lost respect then became bored with MM. Without the growth and outside stimulation of a relationship that is not hidden or restricted - it becomes redundant. I remember at one point , in talking about meeting up he was so thrilled to tell me we could get away for a few days (mid week) and I thought to myself...I can go away anytime I want, and over a weekend. Why would I take a day off of work to go a professional conference someone else is being paid to attend, regardless of the accomodations. It irritated me that he felt he was offering me something instead of taking something. That thought put a lot in motion for me as far as changing...oh, everything. I hear you on this. My exMM would feel generous for spending 4 days with me, as that all he could usually string together without his wife getting upset. 1
MissBee Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 So obviously many affairs end when a DDay occurs, either abruptly or otherwise. But then there are those affairs that you know are horrible, unhealthy and toxic yet you either can't or won't end them, or end them many times and get sucked backed in. My question is to those that ended the affair on their own accord while the high and the feelings were still there, how did you have the strength to do it? What was the final straw to make you decided this is it and you're never going back? I was just tired of what felt like a dead end and his complete contentedness with it. I was frustrated and just through. I was never comfortable with the A and about 2 years and change in was enough for me to be ready to go one way or another. 2
Daisy2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 No D-day. Basically, after 2 years together, about one month ago, 5 days after telling me how much he loved me, he dumped me out of guilt. Every few months we'd go through this. God wouldn't let go of him. This time I'm staying strong and not going back. Although he wouldn't want to either. He just wants to be friends. So to help myself, I quit answering his calls 2 weeks ago. Today, he got ahold of me and said "you are my friend, I think about you a lot -- about just you, how we cut up and how you make me laugh, and also other things--." We don't visit anymore and are keeping it platonic. I actually feel much better not letting my thoughts go there and knowing that things won't start up again. I relieves stress.
Lillyfree Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 i didn't like the person i became. lying, sneaking, crazy woman who did things against her beliefs. it was a long time coming, but after one sleepless night i realised that no matter how much i cared, i just couldn't do it anymore. i have invested too much in someone who viewed me as a bit of fun, and i was doing that while sticking a knife in the back of one person who was always there for me. and that's why i ended it. 1
ConcreteHeart Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 The MM did the systematic avoidance, withdrawal and ignore tactic. He started to text less and less, I would ask what was happening and ask him to be direct with me. Tell me it is over, tell me you would like to end contact, tell me that you will not be contacting me, so please stop trying. He was not direct at all. He was too busy, would not respond for days. It took me 2 months to finally get it. I either didn't want to get it, or I was too stupid to see what was happening. It didn't help that when he did text or call, he would tell me not to worry. That there was no issue and that I overanalyzed everything. Now the last part put me over the edge. Making it out to be that I was crazy and he was the reasonable one was the last straw! 6
KentuckyGent Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 ^^^^THIS!!! 100% And at the end I WAS the crazy one. 2
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