Trying to detach from emotional affair

[TooAttached]

This is my first post here. I am so glad I found this forum because I feel so alone and cry when no ones is around. Married to a good husband for 10 years but passion has been gone for many years. We have kids. I started a new job 6 months ago and became friends with a male colleague. He is 10 years younger and I did not find him physically attractive at all. He has a fiance.

 

He was my only friend at work and we eventually went out for lunch daily. Well, like typical emotional affair situations, we started emailing, then texting, then flirting. We acknowledged that if we were single, we would be together, even despite the age difference. We even talked about the negative aspects of our spouses, which I knew was when I was really in too deep. We both left our jobs for unrelated reasons and continued to text and see eachother once a week briefly. We have never been physical besides hugs on special occasions. He has said that we are too moral to ever let it become physical although I have doubted myself sometimes.

 

Anyways, I suspect lately he has realized I am too attached to him and he no longer replies to my texts immediately and rarely initiates contact anymore. I know he is just doing the right thing and I am also trying to detach from him. I can not do no contact completely because we both attend an activity once a week and that will not change. So right now it has been only 24 hrs since I last contacted him and it is so hard. I know I should put this effort into my marriage but I just do not feel like it.

 

I think that once I am no longer obsessing about the EA, then I will address whether I need to separate from my husband. I guess I am still in that unhealthy place where I hope the other man leaves his fiancé but he has never asked if I will leave my hubby for him. At this point, I feel like I would, but I think I my mind is in a fog due to the euphoria of feeling "in love" again. Ugh.

 

Anyone out there in an EA, trying to get out but not really wanting to? It's so hard feeling alone because this guy has become my BFF and yet I can't turn to him.

Edited September 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Feb]

This is my first post here. I am so glad I found this forum because I feel so alone and cry when no ones is around. Married to a good husband for 10 years but passion has been gone for many years. We have kids. I started a new job 6 months ago and became friends with a male colleague. He is 10 years younger and I did not find him physically attractive at all. He has a fiance. He was my only friend at work and we eventually went out for lunch daily. Well, like typical emotional affair situations, we started emailing, then texting, then flirting. We acknowledged that if we were single, we would be together, even despite the age difference. We even talked about the negative aspects of our spouses, which I knew was when I was really in too deep. We both left our jobs for unrelated reasons and continued to text and see eachother once a week briefly. We have never been physical besides hugs on special occasions. He has said that we are too moral to ever let it become physical although I have doubted myself sometimes. Anyways, I suspect lately he has realized I am too attached to him and he no longer replies to my texts immediately and rarely initiates contact anymore. I know he is just doing the right thing and I am also trying to detach from him. I can not do no contact completely because we both attend an activity once a week and that will not change. So right now it has been only 24 hrs since I last contacted him and it is so hard. I know I should put this effort into my marriage but I just do not feel like it. I think that once I am no longer obsessing about the EA, then I will address whether I need to separate from my husband. I guess I am still in that unhealthy place where I hope the other man leaves his fiancé but he has never asked if I will leave my hubby for him. At this point, I feel like I would, but I think I my mind is in a fog due to the euphoria of feeling "in love" again. Ugh. Anyone out there in an EA, trying to get out but not really wanting to? It's so hard feeling alone because this guy has become my BFF and yet I can't turn to him.

 

Welcome to the forum. I hope you will follow the advice people give you here, as it saves a lot of pain and heartache in the long run. Although you are in a bad spot with the EA and the relationship is clearly inappropriate, it hasn't lasted as long or gone as deep as a lot of other relationships on this board. It's a good thing you don't work with each other anymore, which will make NC/LC a lot easier.

 

 

As you will see from reading all the stories here, yours is a textbook co-worker affair, and the way it's unfolding is pretty textbook as well. It seems you became much more emotionally attached to this guy than he is to you. Saying you would be together if you were single is a lot different than saying, "I'm going to leave my fiance / spouse for you". Do not confuse the two! My guess is that he got caught up in the euphoria like you did, but he's coming to his senses and trying to back off. If he's not initiating contact and is waiting to reply to you, that's his way of trying to let you down easy without saying it directly. Take the hint and don't initiate any more contact with him. He is clearly not going to leave his fiance to be with a woman he's only known for a few months with two kids -- think about it.

 

 

As far as our marriage, it's hard to keep the same level of passion alive after 10 years. It grows into a different kind of love and you have to work on your marriage, as well as yourself and your self-esteem. Like many here, you are likely seeking external validation and you need to find out why you need that. Your H does not sound like a bad or abusive man ... lack of passion is not a good enough reason to tear apart a family if you haven't at least put some effort into it.

 

 

You are also confusing BFF with AP, which is another common thread with co-worker affairs. Since you have this weekly activity together, just go "near NC" and no more texting or lunch meet-ups. I don't know what the weekly activity it, but I'm assuming it's with a group. Limit the conversation to business and don't talk about your personal life with him. He will get the hint and will probably be very relieved you are backing off.

[TooAttached]

Thanks, Feb! Your advice is so level-headed and hearing it from someone who has been there and without judgment is so appreciated but also makes me cry. I remember reading earlier about your A. So can you tell me if months down the road, do you feel back to "normal"? I feel like I have been changed forever.

[Feb]

Thanks, Feb! Your advice is so level-headed and hearing it from someone who has been there and without judgment is so appreciated but also makes me cry. I remember reading earlier about your A. So can you tell me if months down the road, do you feel back to "normal"? I feel like I have been changed forever.

 

I do feel normal from the perspective that I am no longer addicted to the affair, the texts, and the attention from him or anyone else. The experience forced me understand why I needed this type of external validation so I could make sure it never happens again. I know all about boundaries, and I still receive attention from other men at work, but I politely stop it, and don't let it cross personal boundaries. I have no desire or feelings for xAP, but I'm not angry with him either. There is no practical reason for us to be "friends".

 

 

All that being said, there is a lot that is still not normal and never will be. Going through an A is like losing your virginity -- once it happens you can't turn back the clock. If I was given one wish, it wouldn't be to win the lottery, it would be to turn back the clock and give me once more chance to face the situation again and this time make the right decision. Affairs don't just happen ... the lunches alone don't just happen, the texting doesn't just happen, and the conversation turning personal doesn't just happen. They are planned, calculated moves. The guilt, embarrassment, remorse, and shame will always be with me. I can live with it, but it's kind of like a permanent limp or pulled muscle -- you can live with it, but sure wish it wasn't there. I was very close to my co-workers, but I had to let most of those relationships go because it was too awkward to even talk about xAP. I'm sure he feels the same. I'm still in contact with a smaller group of co-workers and every time his name comes up I do feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed.

 

 

TooAttached, although no A's are positive, I do see a lot of hope with yours. It sounds like your EA was only a few months. Actually you only knew your AP for a few months. Although some will argue EA is as bad as a PA, but you still didn't cross that line. Mine started as an EA, and once we crossed the physical line with kissing and eventually sex, it brought on a whole other dimension to the A that was much deeper and harder to recover from. You also have a good husband, and once you take a look at what is going on with YOU, I think you can put the spark back into your marriage. I honestly think a lot of your love was based in fantasy. You didn't spend a lot of "real life" time with this guy, so you only know him through the work lens, which is often the most flattering. My guess is that your imagination filled in some blanks about how your fantasy life could be with this guy. Think about that one for a bit and see how much was reality vs. future fantasy faking.

 

 

Also, you have kids. I KNOW that the EA has placed a barrier between you and your kids. You may not see that now, but you will later. The distraction and stress of the A does that. Once you are out of the fog, you will be able to reconnect with your kids outside of the fog. Again, it hasn't been too long for you. Some of us were in the fog for years and have a lot of lost time we'll never get back. These boards have really been key for support when you have no one to turn to.

[TooAttached]

Yes, I can already feel this forum being a lifesaver for me, thanks.

My EA escalated quite quickly because we realized very early on how well we clicked, so it has been about 6 months. But yeah, I am lucky that he had the sense to not pursue a PA because obviously my mind is/was in a fog.

Today is the first day I have not texted him and it is so painful that he never texted me. I feel like we shared sooo much information about eachother and suddenly he is just going to fade out of my life? I miss him so much already and wonder if he misses me at all. Wow, I sound like a young teenager. Anyways, yes I already know that the validation I received from the other man was what lacked in my marriage. However, recently my hubby has started to suspect something with the AP and acted jealous for the first time in our marriage. And suddenly he is giving me the validation I was needing but unfortunately it feels almost insulting now, like it's too little too late.

[TooAttached]

Coryreply, thanks for your thoughtful reply which has again brought me to tears.

You are right. Besides the external validation I loved receiving from the OM, I also admired that he is so successful career-wise, while my H is not. This bothers me but I feel like you can't change someone in that way so I have not told my H I feel this way. This is one reason I fear my marriage may not last even when I am over the EA.

On a side note, I am so tempted to ask him to meet for lunch today BUT I WILL NOT. This is so damn hard.

[Lokie]

Can someone tell me what AP is? And PA? (It's not in the FAQ. )

[CarrieT]

TooAttached, the fastest and easiest way to get over this and put it behind you is to confess it all to your husband.

 

Dealing with it FACE FORWARD will make you stop it immediately.

[bentleychic]

AP = affair partner

PA = physical affair

[Lokie]

Thanks Bentley!

[watergirl12]

Yes, I can already feel this forum being a lifesaver for me, thanks.

My EA escalated quite quickly because we realized very early on how well we clicked, so it has been about 6 months. But yeah, I am lucky that he had the sense to not pursue a PA because obviously my mind is/was in a fog.

Today is the first day I have not texted him and it is so painful that he never texted me. I feel like we shared sooo much information about eachother and suddenly he is just going to fade out of my life? I miss him so much already and wonder if he misses me at all. Wow, I sound like a young teenager. Anyways, yes I already know that the validation I received from the other man was what lacked in my marriage. However, recently my hubby has started to suspect something with the AP and acted jealous for the first time in our marriage. And suddenly he is giving me the validation I was needing but unfortunately it feels almost insulting now, like it's too little too late.

 

 

Its never too little or too late. Marriage constantly change and grow and flux and inhale and exhale. Work on your marriage. If the only problem is that it is dull and humdrum, then erase that scoreboard you have been keeping and start here.

 

The fact that your husband responded with jealousy is a GOOD THING. It means that his behavior can change with the circumstances. If he hadn't responded and kept watching sports in the arm chair pretending like you didn't exist, than that would of been a big cause of concern.

 

You can't change people's behavior, but you can change how they react to you without them even realizing it most of the time. He may or may not sense something is going on, but he felt you pulling away and responded.

 

The saying is overused but nonetheless is still very powerful: if you do the same thing you always did, you get the same thing you always got. So your behavior changed, and his changed accordingly, see how that works? You didn't actively try to change him.

 

First off, open those lines of communication. Secondly, jumpstart things. Change how you react to him. Don't do what you have always done before, whatever it may be. It may be indifference, it may be ignoring him, it may just be acting bored. Whatever it is, start showing him attention. Change how you treat him, and he may treat you differently back.

[watergirl12]

Coryreply, thanks for your thoughtful reply which has again brought me to tears.

You are right. Besides the external validation I loved receiving from the OM, I also admired that he is so successful career-wise, while my H is not. This bothers me but I feel like you can't change someone in that way so I have not told my H I feel this way. This is one reason I fear my marriage may not last even when I am over the EA.

On a side note, I am so tempted to ask him to meet for lunch today BUT I WILL NOT. This is so damn hard.

 

Without giving too much away, what is it about your husband's career choices that you don't like?

[Feb]

Without giving too much away, what is it about your husband's career choices that you don't like?

I was curious about this too. I wasn't sure if her H was unemployed and not looking for a job, or if her H had a job but maybe he just wasn't a CEO or a high powered exec like her AP.

 

TooAttached, I'm not attacking you, but I really think given your strong attachment in such a short period of time, you put your AP on a pedastal, and maybe highlighted your H's negative points. True, H didn't give you as much validation as your AP, but I think that is fairly normal in a 10 year marriage. I would think that constant validation from your H for a decade would start to get boring after a while. You also have to look at your part in your marriage. I know for me, I wasn't giving my H a lot of validation either. We have a good relationship, but you get complacent, and don't always put in the work at keeping the spark alive.

 

 

Back to the career thing, if your H has a decent job, but is just not as high on the corporate ladder, you should also look within and see why your spouse's career success means so much to you and your self-worth. I think if you are truly happy and confident in yourself, your H's choice in career should not matter so much unless you are really having some problems paying the basic bills.

[TooAttached]

I am back after avoiding this forum for a couple weeks because it made me feel sad facing reality. I am doing better I think, even though I am still texting him every few days. My feelings for my EA partner are slowly fading and I completely understand that the other guy is trying to give me space and wants nothing more beyond a platonic friendship. I feel in a few weeks, I will be ok.

With regards to my hubby, he does not work as he is a SAHD. This is appreciated but I find myself attracted to ambition. I know, I can't have both

[LoveInAHopelessPlace]

This is my first post here. I am so glad I found this forum because I feel so alone and cry when no ones is around. Married to a good husband for 10 years but passion has been gone for many years. We have kids. I started a new job 6 months ago and became friends with a male colleague. He is 10 years younger and I did not find him physically attractive at all. He has a fiance.

 

He was my only friend at work and we eventually went out for lunch daily. Well, like typical emotional affair situations, we started emailing, then texting, then flirting. We acknowledged that if we were single, we would be together, even despite the age difference. We even talked about the negative aspects of our spouses, which I knew was when I was really in too deep. We both left our jobs for unrelated reasons and continued to text and see eachother once a week briefly. We have never been physical besides hugs on special occasions. He has said that we are too moral to ever let it become physical although I have doubted myself sometimes.

 

Anyways, I suspect lately he has realized I am too attached to him and he no longer replies to my texts immediately and rarely initiates contact anymore. I know he is just doing the right thing and I am also trying to detach from him. I can not do no contact completely because we both attend an activity once a week and that will not change. So right now it has been only 24 hrs since I last contacted him and it is so hard. I know I should put this effort into my marriage but I just do not feel like it.

 

I think that once I am no longer obsessing about the EA, then I will address whether I need to separate from my husband. I guess I am still in that unhealthy place where I hope the other man leaves his fiancé but he has never asked if I will leave my hubby for him. At this point, I feel like I would, but I think I my mind is in a fog due to the euphoria of feeling "in love" again. Ugh.

 

Anyone out there in an EA, trying to get out but not really wanting to? It's so hard feeling alone because this guy has become my BFF and yet I can't turn to him.

 

I have been (or was in, rather) an EA for three months. MM hasn't contacted me in seven days, as of tomorrow. So, I can truly empathize with you. I have not reached out to MM. It hurts really badly, but my best advice to you is to cease the texts and any communication outside of the group thing you guys are involved in together. Find things to distract yourself so that you're not just sitting around thinking about him. I've been trying really hard to find things to keep myself entertained and it helps.

[whichwayisup]

I am back after avoiding this forum for a couple weeks because it made me feel sad facing reality. I am doing better I think, even though I am still texting him every few days. My feelings for my EA partner are slowly fading and I completely understand that the other guy is trying to give me space and wants nothing more beyond a platonic friendship. I feel in a few weeks, I will be ok.

With regards to my hubby, he does not work as he is a SAHD. This is appreciated but I find myself attracted to ambition. I know, I can't have both

 

Why are you texting him every few days? All that does is feed your feelings and keep you attached.

 

Focus on work while at work and your family and friends while not at work. Forget this guy, he has told you he wants platonic, so respect that.

[Wambo]

I am back after avoiding this forum for a couple weeks because it made me feel sad facing reality. I am doing better I think, even though I am still texting him every few days. My feelings for my EA partner are slowly fading and I completely understand that the other guy is trying to give me space and wants nothing more beyond a platonic friendship. I feel in a few weeks, I will be ok.

With regards to my hubby, he does not work as he is a SAHD. This is appreciated but I find myself attracted to ambition. I know, I can't have both

 

 

You need to stop sending him texts. Everytime you do, it will cause him emotional pain and making his recovery much more harder.