Left me after of 9 years

[wiggy]

Hi all, my girlfriend of nine years left me two weeks ago, basically I have neglected her for the past few years showing my games console more attention, we have a three year old daughter too...

 

I have not showed her enough affection (I struggle to show my emotions, its a family flaw), I havent made her feel needed, she as spoke to me before telling me that she wasn't happy and I was too stupid to change but now she as left me and says she no longer loves me or finds me attractive.

 

Now we are split I feel as if I am a third person looking down on how our relationship was and how I treated her, I keep playing different scenarios in my head where I have turned her down or made her not feel wanted but at the time I couldn't see it, I hate the person I became and I have changed so much in just a matter of two weeks.

 

I want her back so much and I have told her and I belive it that I would never let myself turn back in to that person and if she gave me half a chance I would treat her better than ever and make her happier than she as ever been but she says to me at this moment in time she wants to be alone and is not ready to try with me because she has no feelings for me, she as asked me to give her space but I am finding it so hard to not text her and keep begging for one last chance.

 

She as moved in with her mom and I live at our house but she is looking to find her own place.

 

I cant blame her for leaving me now that I can see what I was like, but I have promised her that it would never be like that again but she cant see past the last few years of her being unhappy, how do I make her believe I will make her happy again and never be that person who made her unhappy again.

 

I cant be without her I love her more than life its self and my family is everything to me.

 

What should I do ?

 

Does she really mean it that she has no feelings for me or does she just think thats the case at the moment but really deep down she does but she doesn't know it ?

[TaraMaiden]

This is a scenario we see on LS, time and time and time again:

 

Wife/Female Partner tries for ages to hold things together, keep things running on an even keel, be supportive/pro-active, makes efforts, allowances, excuses and generally pulls out all the stops to ensure the marriage/relationship continues.

 

Husband/Male Partner seems unaware of problems, issues and wife's level of satisfaction, even though such things may have been pointed out before, or may have been alluded to....

 

W/FP finally throws in the towel, gives up and states that enough is enough.

 

H/MP suddenly decides he can change, he will make the effort, begs, pleads, implores to be given another chance, all the while unaware that the wife has been doing precisely that for the duration...

 

And it's too late.

 

She's spent. Done. Exhausted.

Has no more fight, patience, tolerance or desire to go through the machinations of remedies which actually do not guarantee that the changes will either be genuine or permanent.

 

The danger is two-fold:

(1) The H/MP is 'changing' not to improve himself, become a "Better person" or alter the dynamics of the dysfunction. he's 'changing' in order to keep the marriage going, to retain the W/FP and to convince her to stay.

 

(2) Once the changes have been implemented, the W/FP then changes her mind and stays and the marriage experiences a 'revival' - the effort, on his part, diminishes, slows down, becomes sporadic or ceases altogether.

 

The W/FP cannot conceive the possibility of these two happening, and has no desire to summon up yet more effort, and keep trying.

She is extremely reluctant - or completely averse to - even giving this another chance, ever.

 

The marriage/relationship is over.

The W/FP has lost heart, and the blinders have fallen from the eyes.

No amount of counselling, therapy or discussion is going to salvage this.

 

 

This is not a right/wrong scenario.

 

This is a standard, normal occurrence, and we see it happening with alarming regularity.

 

(Incidentally, while it seems to be this way round for the majority of the time, the same scenario CAN occur in reverse too. It must be said.)

[BC1980]

Did she ever want to get married? 9 years is a long time; most women do want to get married at some point. I know that caused tension for me and my ex after a certain point.

 

I think Tara is dead on with her assessment though. I've read many threads with this same scenario and witnessed it in my personal life as well.

[wiggy]

Yes she did want to get married we had planned it but she fell pregnant and we could no longer afford it... So do you think the damage is irreversible ?

[BC1980]

I think there is no hope for the foreseeable future. She's probably emotionally just exhausted and done at this point. She thought about it for a good, long while and finally decided to follow through.

[Brown-Eyez]

This is a scenario we see on LS, time and time and time again:

 

Wife/Female Partner tries for ages to hold things together, keep things running on an even keel, be supportive/pro-active, makes efforts, allowances, excuses and generally pulls out all the stops to ensure the marriage/relationship continues.

 

Husband/Male Partner seems unaware of problems, issues and wife's level of satisfaction, even though such things may have been pointed out before, or may have been alluded to....

 

W/FP finally throws in the towel, gives up and states that enough is enough.

 

H/MP suddenly decides he can change, he will make the effort, begs, pleads, implores to be given another chance, all the while unaware that the wife has been doing precisely that for the duration...

 

And it's too late.

 

She's spent. Done. Exhausted.

Has no more fight, patience, tolerance or desire to go through the machinations of remedies which actually do not guarantee that the changes will either be genuine or permanent.

 

The danger is two-fold:

(1) The H/MP is 'changing' not to improve himself, become a "Better person" or alter the dynamics of the dysfunction. he's 'changing' in order to keep the marriage going, to retain the W/FP and to convince her to stay.

 

(2) Once the changes have been implemented, the W/FP then changes her mind and stays and the marriage experiences a 'revival' - the effort, on his part, diminishes, slows down, becomes sporadic or ceases altogether.

 

The W/FP cannot conceive the possibility of these two happening, and has no desire to summon up yet more effort, and keep trying.

She is extremely reluctant - or completely averse to - even giving this another chance, ever.

 

The marriage/relationship is over.

The W/FP has lost heart, and the blinders have fallen from the eyes.

No amount of counselling, therapy or discussion is going to salvage this.

 

 

This is not a right/wrong scenario.

 

This is a standard, normal occurrence, and we see it happening with alarming regularity.

 

(Incidentally, while it seems to be this way round for the majority of the time, the same scenario CAN occur in reverse too. It must be said.)

 

 

all I can say is WOW

 

the amount of certainty in the above statements are very alarming and sadly incredibly TRUE

[Ireallydontknow]

Eh look after nine years you just kind of exist with the person. I know it happened to us. I always gave her 15 minutes of solely devoted time, which usually increased because we'd have fun.

 

Look, you know it better than us. Was she being needy? I had to devote all my time to my ex because she didn't have friends and couldn't make friends. She could only make male friends *rolls eyes* Any friend of mine I introduced her to, ended up hating her, minus a few. She would argue and be very opinionated, yet she wasn't very educated. In fact a lot of her views she re-hashed were things I'VE SAID!

 

It's easy to think when we get dumped we did everything wrong. She didn't have any part in creating a divide? After 9 years if she can't say "Hey guy, I need a little bit more attention." Instead of bottling it and then blowing up one day, then screw her!

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry that you have been left like this and you must be in shock really.

 

Leaving a relationship is really tough, especially if you live with the person. It's not just a question of leaving emotionally (but that's hard enough), but she had to leave physically too, put herself into different accommodation. All this time, she has been contemplating how to get a different future where she is not ignored. She has had to plan and detach herself, or the detachment has happened over time.

 

Personally, I feel that if someone has gone to all that trouble to leave a relationship that really mattered to them, they will not want to go back. It's very painful having to uproot yourself, your home, everything familiar, to worry about your financial situation once separated, etc. If she has made this move, she has decided she can't make it work any more. Her feelings may well have changed dramatically. I think you'd find it extremely hard to get her back, if at all, sorry.

[Man-guy]

Really sorry to hear this, except for a child, very similar experience for myself, also the last two years I was married. The one additional comment I will add is that there is the off chance that it may not have been you. My stbx blamed me for her unhappiness, but with time and her continued erratic behavior, I see that it was less about me and my treatment and more about how she's trying to justify her actions by placing the failure of the relationship on me. I've come to disagree a bit with the marriage is 50-50, it's a half truth. If the other party isn't committed, there is NOTHING you can do to change their mind, there is no slack to pick up. I was told I was negligent, uncaring, a "roommate" etc. b/c I didn't make her feel chased/wanted. How did she determine this? I didn't buy flowers or clean up around the house often enough... Do you honestly think if I had gotten her flowers once a week and cleaned twice a week it would have made a difference? If you feel you failed the relationship in some way, ask yourself if it's REALLY true, or if you've been gaslighted like I was and taking blame/responsibility where you had much less. Not trying to make excuses for you, but don't blame yourself unless you start to perceive real problems that should have been addressed. I've found my guilt is completely gone b/c no action I could have taken could have made her happy, and that was that. Also, NC, it WILL suck, but it WILL give you time to heal and gain perspective. Good luck.

[loveiswar101]

Wiggy, happened to me 6 years ago, post by TaraMaiden is bang on...My own experience was very similar but with 3 kids and another fella on the scene. Took time, along time, counselling to start, building self esteem, then building my own friends back up, networking and getting out there. Time heals and hard to see that now but it will. Best Wishes

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

This is a scenario we see on LS, time and time and time again:

 

Wife/Female Partner tries for ages to hold things together, keep things running on an even keel, be supportive/pro-active, makes efforts, allowances, excuses and generally pulls out all the stops to ensure the marriage/relationship continues.

 

Husband/Male Partner seems unaware of problems, issues and wife's level of satisfaction, even though such things may have been pointed out before, or may have been alluded to....

 

W/FP finally throws in the towel, gives up and states that enough is enough.

 

H/MP suddenly decides he can change, he will make the effort, begs, pleads, implores to be given another chance, all the while unaware that the wife has been doing precisely that for the duration...

 

And it's too late.

 

She's spent. Done. Exhausted.

Has no more fight, patience, tolerance or desire to go through the machinations of remedies which actually do not guarantee that the changes will either be genuine or permanent.

 

The danger is two-fold:

(1) The H/MP is 'changing' not to improve himself, become a "Better person" or alter the dynamics of the dysfunction. he's 'changing' in order to keep the marriage going, to retain the W/FP and to convince her to stay.

 

(2) Once the changes have been implemented, the W/FP then changes her mind and stays and the marriage experiences a 'revival' - the effort, on his part, diminishes, slows down, becomes sporadic or ceases altogether.

 

The W/FP cannot conceive the possibility of these two happening, and has no desire to summon up yet more effort, and keep trying.

She is extremely reluctant - or completely averse to - even giving this another chance, ever.

 

The marriage/relationship is over.

The W/FP has lost heart, and the blinders have fallen from the eyes.

No amount of counselling, therapy or discussion is going to salvage this.

 

 

This is not a right/wrong scenario.

 

This is a standard, normal occurrence, and we see it happening with alarming regularity.

 

(Incidentally, while it seems to be this way round for the majority of the time, the same scenario CAN occur in reverse too. It must be said.)

 

This is the quote of the YEAR!!! I feel like this needs to be put on the homepage as soon as you long into this site. Tara is my role model I kid you not.

[melell]

Was curious of how old you both are? And if it was the first serious relationship?

 

I am a few months out of an 8 year relationship. Both our first 'real deal' relationship.

 

Honestly, I feel like there are lessons that we need to learn, that we don't learn until it is all over. The immature mistakes from the earlier stages hang a big cloud over the whole relationship, and when it finally fizzles out only then can we see the error of our ways.

 

The amount of times me and my ex 'tried' to do better, but neither of us understood. It wasn't until now that I understand what 'trying' means- I just didn't get it while we were together, all I could see was that nothing was changing on both sides

 

Now I have no desire to reconcile, I am pretty sure they don't either. The lessons I have learned are hugely beneficial to me, I really feel that they will help me tremendously in the future.

 

As for him, I am not sure, he turned to drink/drug to get through the break up, I don't feel there was much retrospect at all with him.

 

My advice is keep going, move forward, heal yourself, and take every lesson you can from it.

[30andsad]

This is a scenario we see on LS, time and time and time again:

 

Wife/Female Partner tries for ages to hold things together, keep things running on an even keel, be supportive/pro-active, makes efforts, allowances, excuses and generally pulls out all the stops to ensure the marriage/relationship continues.

 

Husband/Male Partner seems unaware of problems, issues and wife's level of satisfaction, even though such things may have been pointed out before, or may have been alluded to....

 

W/FP finally throws in the towel, gives up and states that enough is enough.

 

H/MP suddenly decides he can change, he will make the effort, begs, pleads, implores to be given another chance, all the while unaware that the wife has been doing precisely that for the duration...

 

And it's too late.

 

She's spent. Done. Exhausted.

Has no more fight, patience, tolerance or desire to go through the machinations of remedies which actually do not guarantee that the changes will either be genuine or permanent.

 

The danger is two-fold:

(1) The H/MP is 'changing' not to improve himself, become a "Better person" or alter the dynamics of the dysfunction. he's 'changing' in order to keep the marriage going, to retain the W/FP and to convince her to stay.

 

(2) Once the changes have been implemented, the W/FP then changes her mind and stays and the marriage experiences a 'revival' - the effort, on his part, diminishes, slows down, becomes sporadic or ceases altogether.

 

The W/FP cannot conceive the possibility of these two happening, and has no desire to summon up yet more effort, and keep trying.

She is extremely reluctant - or completely averse to - even giving this another chance, ever.

 

The marriage/relationship is over.

The W/FP has lost heart, and the blinders have fallen from the eyes.

No amount of counselling, therapy or discussion is going to salvage this.

 

 

This is not a right/wrong scenario.

 

This is a standard, normal occurrence, and we see it happening with alarming regularity.

 

(Incidentally, while it seems to be this way round for the majority of the time, the same scenario CAN occur in reverse too. It must be said.)

 

This exactly what just happened to me to a tee. Feel like such a jerk for not recognizing and acting earlier, but now it is too late. Wish I would have read this a few months ago, but unfortunately, you usually don't hunt out these forums until you are feeling the terrible pain and loss.

[conf]

Classic super hero dumper... She tries to fix problems alone and then feels exhausted because of the effort.

 

Maybe it would be better if she had put effort on communicating and not expecting the dumpee to have mind reading abilities