livdee Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Why do so many of us want, obsess, pine over someone we can't have or doesn't want us, when we already have someone that wants us??? Why is it so hard to make our minds understand that?
BarOfButter Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Its human nature to want what we can't have. That's why playing hard to get really attracts other people in the dating world. Its something used by advertising, its just a very bad human nature thing. Once we have it, we'll take it for granted, and not want it anymore. It takes lots of counting your blessings and looking at your life to appreciate what you do have. One had to stop and smell the roses to see it. 3
loveandstuff Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I agree with BarOfButter. It's human nature to want what we can't have. Your question reminds me of my last relationship. The guy had a girlfriend and they'd been dating for 3 years. He has a small crush on me, takes his chances and finds out that I like him back. So he dumps his girlfriend of 3 years, dates me for a month, finds out I'm not who he thought I was, and goes back to his prior girlfriend. I was what he couldn't have, until he had me and then suddenly I was not as exciting. It's messed up, but we all do it! 1
JDPT Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 The excitement of having the forbidden. It's so alluring and seductive. The sneaking around, the meeting in places, the beyond amazing sex, the oh so many secrets, it absolutely gets your adrenaline flowing. At the end of the day there is so much at risk, and I tell you from personal experience, although all this may sound exciting at the end of it, it all wears off and it's back to reality again. 2
carhill Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Why do so many of us want, obsess, pine over someone we can't have or doesn't want us, when we already have someone that wants us??? Why is it so hard to make our minds understand that? I understand that this is a feature of human psychology but, so far, I have yet to experience it in interpersonal relationships in the way you're describing it. Specifically, yes, I have felt desire for unavailable people before, but have *never* overlooked the interest of an available person. This was exemplified in my M, when I pleaded with my exW to please be 'available', meaning interested in empathetic for my life, as I was in and for hers and, after a couple of years of that, then I started looking around for a more balanced dynamic. I kept checking and looking for signs of 'can have' right up to the last conversation when she stated "I can't give you that". So, while perhaps outlier, I provide an example of someone who isn't looking to achieve success in life on the backs of others, always looking for the bigger, better deal, available or not. Live itself is the bigger, better deal. As to 'why' we may have trouble with this dynamic, IMO it's primarily socialization. Certain behaviors are encouraged and certain behaviors are discouraged, from long before we have long lasting cognitive memory. Today is a world of instant gratification and 'me'. Being an old fart, I was socialized by people who knew struggle and death and the value of life as its own reward. They were also married for life, and faced many struggles during it as a team. There wasn't a bigger and better deal, there was 'us'. Everyone is different. Good luck.
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