Mr Scorpio Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I wish I could say that I'm suprised that I am back posting in this forum. I thought I had adequate methods in place to ensure that I never sank into depression again. However, after four nights of waking up at 4am, only to stare at the clock tossing and turning, I know otherwise. Everything was fine a month ago. I was furiously studying in preparation for final exams, yet looking forward to the two-week break at the end of Summer. That was stressful to be certain, but I managed. Ironically, it wasn't until after that stress was gone that things started to creep in. First, I realized that I had too much time on my hands. Sure, I could practice guitar or go to the gym. But it is the end of Summer and I wanted something worth remembering. Whereas ten years ago it would have been relatively easy to get a group of guys together for a road-trip, camping, or at least a bonfire, now it is impossible. Too many friends have moved away or started families, and those who haven't were stuck working. So, I settled for a couple nights out having drinks and tossing darts. Not exactly a Kodak moment. Then, issues with my father began to creep in. He is unable to support himself financially. Because I care for him, his stress becomes my stress. Once that started, I looked back at all the poor decisions I made when I was younger, and began to blame myself for not being able to help him. At one point, I had the tools to create a dream-life for myself. I had money, the woman of my dreams, and a fairly large circle of friends. I succumbed to GIGS and lost the relationship, wasted a vast majority of the money, and saw time and growth wittle away the friends. Whereas I had it all, I now have little to nothing. I am currently hating myself for all of those poor decisions. Worse yet, in five-months, I will start receiving student loan bills. I will be responsible for the equivalent of a house-payment every month. I currently make roughly $700 per month. I have to grind thru this last semester of school, pass the bar exam, and then go about figuring out how I am going to pay that money back. Nevermind having the time, money, or confidence to pursue a romantic relationship. I wish I could say that I'm suprised with how things have turned out, but I'm not. What I am is terribly afraid of how things are going to play out, and how much/how long I will be able to sustain before I break. If I break now, things are likely to stay broken.
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