readynow Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Hello all, I've been reading this forum for 3 Weeks trying to figure out what happened to my relationship but I'm none the wiser and I hope you can help. A quick summary. We are both in our late 30s, both have kids of our own and in different stages of divorce. I have been divorced for 6 Years but he just a few months so I know he wasnt looking for an instant relationship. We were together for about 8 Months and he was so good to me, we had a lot of fun, places together, phone calls, texts all day everyday. Every thing was great. We became intimate early on and everything was great in that dept. The only problem was he never told me he loved me even though I did several times but I was quite fine with it all as I was willing to take it slow. I started feeling uncomfortable expressing my feelings to him because even a simple 'I miss you' would make him feel uncomfortable. One day 2wks ago while we were texting, I brought up the issue as to why I had to keep digging to see how he felt about me and he said things are here and there for him and he honestly doesnt know how he feels about me. There was also talk of his ex wanting to reconcile. I then said (Or typed) that perhaps we should break up since he was so unsure of things. He said he didnt know what to say and it would be unfair of him to tell me otherwise while he is still working out these issues. I said bye and have been NC since then. I deleted him off my facebook and unfollowed him on twitter so I didnt keep bumping into him there. I was devastated as I really loved him and still like him as a person and although im moving on, im so confused as to what happened and if we could ever come back together. What do you gentlemen and ladies think of this? I guess my questions are, Who was the dumper in this case? How much nc do we need and is there a chance of us coming back together? I really want to be in touch with him again. I think he thought I wanted to be extra serious with him like get married etc which I wasnt looking for. Your inputs will be appreciated. Thanks!
Misfortune Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I think it was a bit too soon for you 2 to start a relationship. He probably didn't get time to completely process the split from his wife emotionally. He jumped into another relationship and now that the bliss has died down, he's dealing with those feelings. It sucks but has to happen if you ever hope to have an authentic relationship with him. 3
BC1980 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 You said you loved him, and he never reciprocated. So it was moving too fast for him. You're better off though. 8 months is a long time to still be unsure of love IMO. Better to cut your losses and move on, which you did. I think you were the dumper. 2
Author readynow Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 Thanks people... @misfortune, he was seperated from his ex for almost 2yrs though they saw each other often due to the kids... @bc1980, its terrible when someone doesnt reciprocate when you think things are going so well... I thought a couple of months should be enough to know you love someone... I just miss him so much.
Divasu Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I think you made the right decision, even though it hurts. Essentially, what happened, is you were his rebound. You ended a relationship that was already stunted (ie: him not being emotionally available given the circumstances). So, "who dumped who", doesn't really apply in this case. 2
Author readynow Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 Thanks @divasu. The weird thing for me is that I was happy with us being just friends. If I knew there'd be no future with him, I would have been happy to be just buddies / Activity partners. He really doesnt have anything to offer emotionally and I accept that. So people, is there a chance of getting back as friends? I dont have that many friends and he was one of the few that I got on well with. I guess I want to get in touch in a friend way. How to go about this?
Mariposa10 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Thanks @divasu. The weird thing for me is that I was happy with us being just friends. If I knew there'd be no future with him, I would have been happy to be just buddies / Activity partners. He really doesnt have anything to offer emotionally and I accept that. So people, is there a chance of getting back as friends? I dont have that many friends and he was one of the few that I got on well with. I guess I want to get in touch in a friend way. How to go about this? You can always send him and email/text, telling him that you'd like to be his friend without any kind of pressure. Since you do love him, you being his friend might be painful.... 1
Misfortune Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Thanks @divasu. The weird thing for me is that I was happy with us being just friends. If I knew there'd be no future with him, I would have been happy to be just buddies / Activity partners. He really doesnt have anything to offer emotionally and I accept that. So people, is there a chance of getting back as friends? I dont have that many friends and he was one of the few that I got on well with. I guess I want to get in touch in a friend way. How to go about this? Everyone with a broken heart wouldn't have traveled the path that they did, if they knew it would lead to a dead end. Everything changes once you're intimate and going back to being friends rarely ever works out. I guess you could let him know that you'll be there if he needs to talk and leave it at that. I think you should give it a few weeks/months to get your "I love you" emotions for him, under control; I don't think anyone can shift from intimate to platonic after a recent break up. He's also confused and needs to figure out with whom he wants to give his heart to. I don't think rebounding has a time frame, btw. It's just an emotional connection and if it isn't severed, people could be rebounding for years. They're are people who have been in a LTR/married for years and still have their hearts with their past loves. 3
Author readynow Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 Thanks all, You're all right. I know that what is needed is time to get over it all - after which I might not want even want to hear his name anymore! I guess I'm just still hurting and needing to heal and probably just trying to grab a hold of whatever might be left - even if just friendship. I guess I'll carry on with NC and see how I feel after 6 - 8 weeks. Thanks all.
Divasu Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Thanks @divasu. The weird thing for me is that I was happy with us being just friends. If I knew there'd be no future with him, I would have been happy to be just buddies / Activity partners. He really doesnt have anything to offer emotionally and I accept that. So people, is there a chance of getting back as friends? I dont have that many friends and he was one of the few that I got on well with. I guess I want to get in touch in a friend way. How to go about this? No problem. Remaining friends can be possible after a bit of distance. Months, maybe years. By then, you'll both have probably moved off in different directions and your time together will be something that was, not is. For now, you have to let it go, and let him go too. Hugs. 1
Author readynow Posted September 19, 2013 Author Posted September 19, 2013 Hello people It's only me... It's day 25 of NC and I still haven't contacted the ex. His birthday is Saturday of next week and I had planned something for him for that day - which I've cancelled of course. I had also got him a present - a small painting that he had mentioned he loved when we were dating. I bought it a few days after he said it because the artist had just one copy of that exact painting. My questions: 1. Do I text him happy birthday or do I just let the day pass? 2. Do I still give him the painting? I don't want to revive the old not-good feelings but I have no use of the painting. 3. If he mentions he's all alone on his birthday, should I offer to take him out? Obviously, I don't want to do all of the above. My feelings are starting to die off (thank God) and I'm not sure I actually want him back but I'm happy to remain friends with him if he wants. Your responses would be appreciated.
BC1980 Posted September 19, 2013 Posted September 19, 2013 Hello people It's only me... It's day 25 of NC and I still haven't contacted the ex. His birthday is Saturday of next week and I had planned something for him for that day - which I've cancelled of course. I had also got him a present - a small painting that he had mentioned he loved when we were dating. I bought it a few days after he said it because the artist had just one copy of that exact painting. My questions: 1. Do I text him happy birthday or do I just let the day pass? 2. Do I still give him the painting? I don't want to revive the old not-good feelings but I have no use of the painting. 3. If he mentions he's all alone on his birthday, should I offer to take him out? Obviously, I don't want to do all of the above. My feelings are starting to die off (thank God) and I'm not sure I actually want him back but I'm happy to remain friends with him if he wants. Your responses would be appreciated. I say do not contact him or send the painting. He will probably see it as pathetic or you trying to reach out and try to make it work again. I know that you are not pathetic and those are not your intentions, but he will see it that way. I feel strongly that you should not initiate any contact with this man right now. You are not ready to be his friend even if you think you are.
Author readynow Posted September 20, 2013 Author Posted September 20, 2013 Thanks BC, I actually remain friends / Acquaintances with exs when the romantic relationship ends... Probably because most times I accept the break up and dont yearn for what isnt there. A few of my current friends have been bfs in the past - with the exception of the one who cheated and was abusive... So theyre not The One - If they havent been mean to me, I think you can be allowed to be friends and move on in life? I feel it is sad to loose a friend just because we couldnt be lovers... You could be right though concerning how he might perceive the painting... So do I just let this birthday pass with no mention of it?
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