Creating own truth when relation ends

[Calina90]

Ok just going to do the story instead.

 

Was in a relationship for a while. We broke up, never got the real reason why it ended, just reasons "we don't fit with eachother" etc.

 

Got to hear through others that things have been said not true. Apparantly people close to me said I was unahppy with the relationship. I asked them, they said they never mentioned anything - and I believe them. Why would they? They knew I Was happy overall.

IF I was unhappy would I have tried so hard to mend things? Why not ask if I was unhappy to begin with. Or actually be there when I needed someone.

 

Was miserable all the time (according to my partner). ,but I wasn't, only when we didn't go out at all whilst asking multiple times. It was upsetting. Partner would be sleeping all the time. If wanted to go on travels, no thye wouldn't be up for that either. Now on dating site they want t o do all the things i always wanted to do but they never felt like doing it at all.

 

I suffered depression, but did my hardest to fix it before we'd be dating. Ofcourse I had my down moments, but everyone freaking has those... If my partner at the time could tell I had down moments, why not ask what was up or tell me i was out of line with my actions etc.

 

Pretty much my ex partner made this entire story up about how it was all my fauilt and stuff and made their own reality. Is that normal for people to do? When I told my story I'd say all the bad thigns I've done as well, so people would hear both sides. I never made myself out to be the "good person" whilst I made mistakes too - but I admit to it.

 

Also things said are completely being denied as wlel.

 

So is it normal for people to create their own truth after a BU and why do they do it for?

Edited September 8, 2013 by Calina90

[Viro12]

Got to hear through others that things have been said not true. Apparantly people close to me said I was unahppy with the relationship. I asked them, they said they never mentioned anything - and I believe them. Why would they?

IF I was unhappy would I have tried so hard to mend things? Why not ask if I was unhappy to begin with.

 

Was miserable all the time (according to my partner). ,but I wasn't, only when we didn't go out at all whilst asking multiple times. It was upsetting.

 

You're friends are not going to tell you how happy or unhappy you are in a relationship. People just don't comment on relationships out of respect. It is not their business to keep tabs on your relationship.

 

Pretty much my ex partner made this entire story up about how it was all my fauilt and stuff and made his own reality. Is that normal for people to do? When I told my story I'd say all the bad thigns I've done as well, so people would hear both sides. I never made myself out to be the "good person" whilst I made mistakes too - but I admit to it.

 

People always have their own reality over what happened after break up. It's sometimes bad and it's sometimes good. However these reasons don't matter because the relationship is OVER. It's time to move on and forget about the past.

 

I suffered depression, but did my hardest to fix it before we'd be dating. Ofcourse I had my down moments, but everyone freaking has those... If my partner at the time could tell I had down moments, why not ask what was up or tell me i was out of line with my actions etc.

 

If you admit to suffer depression. That tells that you have a lot of emotional baggage that your partner has to carry. It's very hard to find someone that can deal with other person's unhappiness and be happy themselves. That's why there's the "love yourself so others can love you", or "be happy so that the other person can be happy with you", there is truth in that. People in general needs to be complete and happy so that it doesn't put a strain on the relationship. I'm not saying you're doing this or you're wrong in a relationship, but apparently your partner needs to be someone who has extra patience, kindness, and heart to carry you.

 

Relationships don't really have a right or a wrong. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't. It's just the way how things are. People move on and have different partners. What's important is that you don't reflect on what the other person's faults are, but reflect on your faults in the relationship so that you can progress and avoid making the same mistakes in your next relationship.

 

I hope everything goes well for you!

 

PS: People create their own realities to protect themselves. It's a defense mechanism in psychology

Edited September 8, 2013 by Viro12

[Calina90]

You're friends are not going to tell you how happy or unhappy you are in a relationship. People just don't comment on relationships out of respect. It is not their business to keep tabs on your relationship.

 

My ex said these people told him I was unhappy, but I know in fact they would never say it. After asking them they said they haven't done that either. So i dont know where my ex got it from at all that i was unhappy.

 

People always have their own reality over what happened after break up. It's sometimes bad and it's sometimes good. However these reasons don't matter because the relationship is OVER. It's time to move on and forget about the past.

 

Ex is leaving out massive parts so I look like some *sshole. Am moved on, but just heard these things and it makes me wonder why people create a false reality.

 

 

If you admit to suffer depression. That tells that you have a lot of emotional baggage that your partner has to carry. It's very hard to find someone that can deal with other person's unhappiness and be happy themselves. That's why there's the "love yourself so others can love you", or "be happy so that the other person can be happy with you", there is truth in that. People in general needs to be complete and happy so that it doesn't put a strain on the relationship. I'm not saying you're doing this or you're wrong in a relationship, but apparently your partner needs to be someone who has extra patience, kindness, and heart to carry you.

 

Suffered depression, fixed it 3 years ago if not longer, so past tense. I dont have emotional baggage that my partner ever had to carry with. except for having low selfesteem whch the ex suffered from as well. Or people/ animals I cared for dying etc. Everyone gets down from events like that. I love myself enough else i wouldn't have started a relationship.

 

Relationships don't really have a right or a wrong. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't. It's just the way how things are. People move on and have different partners. What's important is that you don't reflect on what the other person's faults are, but reflect on your faults in the relationship so that you can progress and avoid making the same mistakes in your next relationship.

 

I hope everything goes well for you!

 

did already reflect enough about things I didnt handle well enough. Apolegised hundreds of times about being pissed about things not going well and taking it out during stressed times. I know I've not been perfect that past months, but ex wasn't either. When i was unhappy id always tell it, but then ex didn't do anything to change things or go out etc. instead we always were indoors and sometimes going to the cinema or my friends. Opted plenty of ideas always were turned down, but did always do ex's way of things ex liked... that was the only thing i was unhappy about. wasting time together when we only saw eachother 1 or 2 times month for 1 or 2 days...

[Calina90]

Anyone else has had this happen to them as well? I'm almost inclined to contact the ex about this through a letter of some sort, that i wastnt unhappy as he thought i was...

[melell]

I'd just leave it well alone and move on. Saying anything to your ex is not going to change how he sees it, or what he tells people. He might, but it is really unlikely.

 

It is over, so what is the point?

 

My ex is utterly crazy in my opinion, and has a very warped idea of how things happened. He projects everything on me. Deals with the break up with drink/drugs. And makes no sense.

 

Is it worth me pointing this out to him? No way.

[Kizza]

Whether as a dumper (because they feel ****ty or don't want to be perceived as "the bad guy") or the dumpee (because they have been crushed, feel resentful) people can create a 'false reality' to help themselves cope with their feelings.

 

Another reason could be that this is what really happened, and this is really how he perceived you in the relationship. I refer to your being unhappy or miserable.

 

There are levels of happiness I suppose and maybe you were happy enough for yourself but not quite enough for him.

 

With this being said does it really matter that much now. Clearly you were not right for each other and it is time to move on.

 

I wouldn't go as far as writing a letter to him. I don't think you will get an answer and if you do then will it be a straight answer? Therefore it will be wasted time.

 

If you want to get it out of your head though, write it all up and keep it for yourself to reflect on.

 

If you feel comfortable with yourself as a person now then this is great, makes it easier to find someone who matches your current state

[Calina90]

I'd guess I could write it all up for myself but already done that and wondered why he also pulled in people who didnt even say anything to him at all as well. i know the ex wants to be liked by everybody and is denying alot of things hes said or done in the past and put them to be my traits or whatsoever.

 

The things i did agree with i apolegised for hundreds of times already and i know nothing can reverse that. i was unhappy with a few things, wanting to go out and the ex rather sleeping all the time. i told the ex multiple times, but nothing changed, but i was happy to be with him and see him.

 

i guess the levels of happiness might be happy for me, but i guess he saw it differently then...

 

It does matter to me as people might think im a horrible person while im not. i told both sides of the story and people did tell me i was out of line sometimes, but did find the ex self centered as well. i went to do alot of things for the ex's sake, but in return didnt get anything back. Yet the ex doens't perceive things like that at all. he only seems to see the good things he's done. it just pisses me off a bit.

 

I guess the ex does really want to be the "bad guy", if ex would tell the true story, people would know what am *ss ex would have been to me at times and selfish.

 

Just tend to think alot of "why" and "why not tell me if you felt this way at all". especially since i told the things i didnt like...

[melell]

hmmm this is interesting, sounds like maybe you was self doubting and trying to validate his decision?

 

As you say, why go out of his way to tell people.

[Calina90]

hmmm this is interesting, sounds like maybe you was self doubting and trying to validate his decision?

 

As you say, why go out of his way to tell people.

 

not sure i follow.

 

yes is was trying to understand why he thought we didn't get along well, as we had fun every time he was over, apart from maybe 2 times where i had stress and sort of took it out on him which i still regret to this day. the other times i was not happy was when he was sleeping our time away and we would only see eachother 1 or maybe 2 times a montrh (long distance).

 

i told my friends and family i didnt understand the deciscion as we both seemed happy to everyone on the outside (and for me as well on the inside...) and that sleeping was literally the only thing i hated when ex was here. since i opted ideas but we didn't do anything, just sleep, eat, watch tv, have sex, sleep...

 

Ex said that my brother and a friend told ex that i was miserable, but those people not said anything didnt even know i was miserable (which i wasnt!!) and i never said i was...

 

example. ex is pretty immature. Farts alot then laughs about it. told a while back that was one of the few things i didnt understand and didnt particulary like. then said that i was the one doing that instead... i just dont understand why ex is turning everything around at all.

[Ireallydontknow]

Who cares what he said? ITS OVER! Contacting him is just going to mess you up, not going to do anything, and leave you wanting to know more. If you know the stuff isn't true, then fine! If it was true, fix it!

 

I know my ex is probably talking all sorts of s*** on me, but screw her! If anyone knows her, they know how much of a liar she is. It doesn't matter because I'm not with her and I don't need to be in her little social circle anymore. You do the same, move onnnnnn!

 

Stay strong!

[carhill]

Pretty much my ex partner made this entire story up about how it was all my fauilt and stuff and made their own reality. Is that normal for people to do? When I told my story I'd say all the bad thigns I've done as well, so people would hear both sides. I never made myself out to be the "good person" whilst I made mistakes too - but I admit to it.

 

IME, you can expect a lifetime of this, and it's pretty normal. There is your story, your partner's story and the truth, and none of us here will ever know the truth.

 

The operative word here is 'end'

 

Sometimes, ends have closure. Other times, they just end. In the long run, IMO, it's the acceptance of 'end' which matters. Acceptance facilitates closure and closure facilitates moving on and completing the stages of grief.

 

Tip: Keep your relationship between you and your partner and ignore the third party hearsay of others. Hearsay can twist and manipulate and those who spread it are to be viewed with skepticism. Good luck.

[melell]

IME, you can expect a lifetime of this, and it's pretty normal. There is your story, your partner's story and the truth, and none of us here will ever know the truth.

 

The operative word here is 'end'

 

Sometimes, ends have closure. Other times, they just end. In the long run, IMO, it's the acceptance of 'end' which matters. Acceptance facilitates closure and closure facilitates moving on and completing the stages of grief.

 

Tip: Keep your relationship between you and your partner and ignore the third party hearsay of others. Hearsay can twist and manipulate and those who spread it are to be viewed with skepticism. Good luck.

 

This post is perfect. It matters none. And everybody perceives things differently! I actually think that the facts matter none- it could be rainbows and butterflies, but if the other party perceives it as terrible then to them it is terrible.

 

There is no point going over it, and there is no point caring what others think. We live in a social world, you can't escape it unless you isolate yourself.

 

Thinking about this is holding you back, keeping those emotions alive. Accept 'the end', don't worry about the details, and continue with your life. You will be ok

[carhill]

Also, with a critical eye cast upon one's own perspective, believe in your 'truth'. Examine it, throw it into the mirror, but trust and believe in the core truth of who one is. None of us here on this earth is perfect. We're all fallible. We all make mistakes. Part of truth is owning who we are, as imperfect as we are, and moving forward.

 

Relationship tip: When one realizes an imperfection has impacted one's partner, definitely apologize..... once.... and mean it. Then move on.