we fight so ive become concerned

[scipio137]

me and my girlfriend have been together a while shes younger than me but shes been through alot..the problem im having, im not even sure its an issue, most of the time its fine, other times we fight so ive become concerned..my issue is im a nice guy, dont have the will or want to ever hurt her in any way and it hurts because she likes it when i do things, asks me to do things i never wanted or liked doing but i do try to please her..

 

i fear the reason of all this is the things that have happened to her, and im here today because i dont know where else to go or what to do..i cant give names i dont want trouble or drama but im confiding in all of you for dire help because im breaking down..here we go...

 

my girlfriends been raped 3 times in her past...when she was 5, 13, and 15...im not sure how to help her, i try to let the past heal but im scared that the part of her which impacts our relationship the most is the side she'll never be able to get over..im meaning is she likes it rough; shes asked me to talk dirty to her and choke her before and idk how, and she gets mad if i 'break character' but its just not me idk how to please that side of her or make it go away, i feel inadequate and idk what to do..

 

i love her with everything and were planning to marry but im just worried this is something that ill never be able to fufill in her and part of it sickens me i feel like im out ranked by a rapist and it hurts....please tell me i have hope and that this can be fixed, idk how to approach her about this and im scared that digging it up and telling her i feel the way i do could result in irreparably hurting her and im lost.....

Edited September 8, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[darkmoon]

but you must have known what she wanted in bed much sooner than this - what happened on your first night of sex?

[for666]

well it's a hard situation but

One : tell her you'r problem's.. if you love her you need to be honest with her and tell her that you don't like it

Second : if you think she still have a problem With the Raping (that i don't think so) than ask her to go to Physiologist??

 

Btw being to nice is really bad!

you need to have you'r own Need and want and you need to stand by them

 

Don"t like shocking her! np tell her you don't like it and if she gets angry again Go the f Out the door

 

you see being raped doesn't justify anything

if problems developed from it you are not a physiologist that can help

[scipio137]

im am nicde tho one of the problems we have is that i found i like her to be dominate which makes me being dominate even harder

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

im am nicde tho one of the problems we have is that i found i like her to be dominate which makes me being dominate even harder

 

I'm having a hard time finding out what the problem is.....

 

Is she wanting to break up with you because you arent as physical in bed that she wants?

 

If you plan on getting married, it seems like something you could just ask her about.....

 

I would also suggest asking this question in the section of "Sexual and reproductive health" on the main page of loveshack if she doesnt plan on actually breaking up with you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

i posted it there and 4 other places no replies thats why i posted it here..i need help and i figure after 300 ppl looked at it someone would care

 

I dont think its that people dont care....its just there really isnt an answer other than just talk to her about it. That is really all you can do man.

[mea_M]

Tough one scipio. However, I do see your point. Do you know if she has Maud any counseling to talk about the rapes? A rape is a pretty big thing that can stay with a person a very long time. I guess I would want to know if she is healed or healing from such tragic events.

 

 

 

Mea :-)

[scipio137]

Tough one scipio. However, I do see your point. Do you know if she has Maud any counseling to talk about the rapes? A rape is a pretty big thing that can stay with a person a very long time. I guess I would want to know if she is healed or healing from such tragic events.

 

 

 

Mea :-)

 

no she hasnt, shes only ever told me, i didnt want to betray her trust by talking to her sister, so i got online anonymously trying to seek help because idk how to approach this..

[mea_M]

no she hasnt, shes only ever told me, i didnt want to betray her trust by talking to her sister, so i got online anonymously trying to seek help because idk how to approach this..

 

 

Of course do not talk to her sister. Is there some way you could get comfortable enough to sit down and talk to her?

 

Mea

[scipio137]

Of course do not talk to her sister. Is there some way you could get comfortable enough to sit down and talk to her?

 

Mea

 

not really...i dont want her to feel like im accusing her of enjoying being raped, but i know thats how she will take it no matter how i say it and im scared she would leave me..i just cant and dont want to do the dark things shes asked me to do im just not that kind of person and when i 'mess up' she gets mad at me and herself and doesnt want me to touch her or even look at her idk what to do or how to talk to her

[ScreamingTrees]

This is tough. Maybe ask her to see someone? Ask some other people if they think it's normal, people who wouldn't know her. Don't use her name.

 

I mean, I personally don't think it's totally normal, at least/especially given her past. There are probably well-adjusted posters here who also like the same sort of **** done to them and have never actually been raped or molested or anything like that.. So perhaps if she were to be evaluated/talked to, they'd find out why she feels the way that she does, if it's truly a problem.

 

Maybe YOU should present this issue to a specialist, and see what they say. If they also feel that it's an issue given her past, ask her to come to talk to the person WITH you.. Ask her to come along for your sake, make it more about you than her if you have to, just to get her there.

[mea_M]

not really...i dont want her to feel like im accusing her of enjoying being raped, but i know thats how she will take it no matter how i say it and im scared she would leave me..i just cant and dont want to do the dark things shes asked me to do im just not that kind of person and when i 'mess up' she gets mad at me and herself and doesnt want me to touch her or even look at her idk what to do or how to talk to her

 

What a sweet guy you are for being so sensitive to her feelings. I realize you do not wish to hurt her, however things will remain the same if this is not addressed in some fashion or another. Would she be willing to talk to a professional about the rapes? I really feel for you and would love to see this resolved. Sounds like there is much love here yet this subject is a real tough one to communicate over due to the nature of the situation.

 

mea

[Downtown]

Scipio, like CHB, I'm having a hard time figuring out what the problem is. Are you saying that your only problem with your GF is that she wants you to talk dirty and be more dominant during sex?

 

I ask because, when a person has been raped at the young age of five, the damage to the child's emotional development can result in adult behavioral problems far more serious than what you describe. It therefore would be helpful if you would provide some more information, if you feel comfortable doing so.

 

Are you seeing, for example, any irrational jealousy on her part? Does she seem to mirror your personality, making you feel like she is your soul mate? Does she flip rapidly between adoring you and devaluing you? Does she shift the blame to you whenever she makes a mistake? Does she exhibit black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad"? How old is she and how long have you been dating?

[travelonic]

Btw being to nice is really bad!

 

Don't tell me you buy into the version of the "nice guy" idea that completely confuses being nice for being a pushover, confuses niceness for not having a backbone, and all that other logically erroneous crap.

[scipio137]

Are you seeing, for example, any irrational jealousy on her part? Does she seem to mirror your personality, making you feel like she is your soul mate? Does she flip rapidly between adoring you and devaluing you? Does she shift the blame to you whenever she makes a mistake? Does she exhibit black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad"? How old is she and how long have you been dating?

 

wow thats exactly how she acts...4 years

[Downtown]

wow thats exactly how she acts...4 years

Scipio, the behaviors I mentioned are traits of a certain personality disorder (PD) which is strongly associated with early childhood sexual abuse. Although most abused children do not develop that PD, such abuse greatly raises the risk for doing so and sexual abuse raises the risk the most. My exW, for example, was sexually abused many times in her childhood and she developed this PD.

 

I caution that neither of us is capable of diagnosing your GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs for a person having strong traits of that PD -- if you will take time to learn how to recognize the red flags. That's why hundreds of hospitals and mental health facilities are trying to educate the public by describing the symptoms of this PD on their websites. The following list describes 18 behaviors that are warning signs when they are strong and persistent:

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  
• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  
• 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  
• 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
  
• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  
• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  
• 7. Low self esteem;
  
• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
  
• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  
• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  
• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  
• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  
• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  
• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  
• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  
• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  
• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  
• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
  

Do most of those traits accurately describe your GF's behavior? If so, I suggest you read my more detailed description of a person having strong traits of this PD at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you, Scipio. Moreover, if most of these warning signs are present, I would strongly recommend that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you will be dealing with if you decide to marry this young woman.