Guilt

[dutch90]

I will start at the beginning. I met my partner in. 2010. Prior to meeting him I was living the university life, going out (a lot) and generally getting up to no good. I then started a whirlwind romance with him and because he lived in another country at first, I went out to stay with him there and it got serious very quickly. We moved back to the UK and I fell pegnant in 2011. This was not planned, but we both wanted it and my daughter is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Fast forward 3 years and we are engaged to be married in 2014. We've bought a house and are very settled together.

 

So here is my problem. I went out with my best friend a couple of weeks ago (a rare occurance for me now). We had a great night and I met a guy who I danced with and generally had a laugh with. All harmless. At the end of the night I told him I was engaged and he gave me his number nevertheless. I guess it was that feeling of being desired and feeling still attractive to other men that caught my attention. Stupidly, the following week I text him when I was at work. Texting turned to flirting and before I knew it we arranged to meet up one evening whilst my partner was out and my little girl was at my parents. At this point I was still convincing myself it was all harmless and friendly. I think I was just in denial about what was happening. Anyway, we met up, had an amazing evening in a small country pub with non stop laughter. I eventually went back to his hotel and we had sex. We met up the day after too, just briefly. We only had sex once but kissed a lot more. It wasn't like a seedy affair, I genuinely thought I had some sort of feelings for the guy and him for me. Anyway, he was from away and has now gone home (back to his girlfriend). I was really really sad when he left as if he was leaving me behind. We planned not to speak again unless he came this way again which is unlikely.

 

Now I cannot stop thinking about it all. First I thought it was sadness that this guy had gone, but now I realise that it sadness because I'm left with picking up the pieces of a relationship that, in my eyes, is now forever tainted. My partner has no idea. I know if I told him it would be the end. It is not just him I would hurt , but our families and my daughter especially.

 

I have vowed to myself to keep quiet, but I can't stand the aching in my chest any longer. I used to self harm a long time ago and have even considered self punishment to try to ease the pain in my chest. I am also obsessing over the guy I was with, as if I envy his life because he is not tied down with family commitments and is free to do and go wherever he pleases.

 

I'm not sure if this post makes sense. It is somewhat cathartic writing all this down, but I have no idea where to go from here. A month ago I was so happy, I had purchased my wedding dress and couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with my man. Now I feel suffocated and trapped, as if I have had no control over what has happened in my life. He has no idea. I can't eat, I can't concentrate and I can't face the thought of letting him touch me as the fear of him smelling infidenlity on me if he gets too close is killing me.

 

 

Please someone help me. Tell me where I go from here. I think I am still in denial because I was telling myself before that as we aren't married, it isn't as bad as it could be. I get married in 9 months and I feel I am drowning.

[bobwhite007]

You cheated. Tell your fiance asap and maybe he will try and forgive you. I'd say its over.

Edited September 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

It doesn't sound like you love your fiancé.

 

Don't marry someone you do not love; don't marry someone you don't want to spend the rest of your life with. You will not be happy and it is not fair to him, either.

 

Don't marry someone just because calling it off and dissolving the relationship will raise awkward questions.

 

If you don't love him now, it's not going to magically get better just because he puts a ring on your finger and says some vows, while you lie through yours.

 

A lot of people in your situation just go through with the wedding anyway because it is too difficult for them to call it off. Then they wind up divorcing soon after.

 

You already know all of this, you just want some easy, magic piece of advice that will make this all better. There is no advice that will make this all better.

 

You should tell your fiancé what happened. There is a chance he will find out - you may not think so now, but he may see the phone bill, the texts, the emails, someone may mention something to him, or there might be future contact with this other man. It happens a lot more than you probably think. It's better coming from you as a confession than him finding out later.

 

If you marry him, you will be marrying him under false pretenses - you will be tricking him into marriage by hiding a really important piece of information from him. Is that who you are?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I envy his life because he is not tied down with family commitments and is free to do and go wherever he pleases. I feel suffocated and trapped, I get married in 9 months and I feel I am drowning.

 

There are stages in life. It is natural to miss the previous stages sometimes, but you really can't go back. You can't go back and be a little 8-year-old girl on the playground, happy and carefree. You can't go back to high school and go to the prom. And you can't go back to your wild university days. You have passed through those stages, you are in the next stage, you have a daughter, you have responsibilities and, let's face it, it's pretty sad when you see some of these older men and women out partying like they are still in college.

 

There are good things we remember about those previous stages, but to go back to the previous stage means to give up the good things from the current stage. You have a lot to look forward to as a mother to your daughter, it will be a very rewarding experience, same thing for a marriage to a man you love. Sure, you can fondly remember the previous stage, even long for another night, but when you actually do it, like you did, it leaves you feeling guilty and empty. Did you ever feel so lousy or guilty when you used to do that, when you were in college?

 

Your marriage will not be a rewarding experience if you carry this lie with you through it. You are not even married yet and you can see that. Your fiancé may forgive you. Many do.

[Jonah]

Never mind all that "lousy person that perpetrated a terrible crime"... that is all incorrect. These things that happened are now in the past and exist only in your mind. With time the memory will fade into just an experience that you will use to guide you in the future. For that is the value of mistakes, and perhaps this one will prevent what could have been an even bigger mistake later. Your memories of this person, who will struggle through life just like the rest of us, will fade. Here you are and this is where you have to start. It won't help your soon to be H to hear this nor would it improve anyone's life to dramatize the situation. Since you have regrets, just take steps to leave this OP in the past and move on. Living in the moment, let yourself thoroughly enjoy blissful sex to the fullest with your soon to be H. You will feel better after. A year from now likely your regrets will likely have faded to nothing, but don't forget them. You don't want to have to live this sting again. Still... a decade or two from now the memory may even become a fond one! Love thyself dutch69!

[road]

dutch, you must tell your BF that you cheated.

[oldshirt]

This is actually a bit more than what a group of strangers on an internet forum can advise.

 

Since there is a very young child at stake here, my recommendation is to find a competent counselor and get some individual counseling and work with the counselor to come up with what plan would be best for you and your situation.

 

with the counselors help he/she may recommend bringing your fiancé into it and breaking it to him with the counselors help and guidance so all of you can work together to help things moving forward with your relationship into the future.

 

Or the counselor may recommend keeping this private and the counselor working with you to find what it is you are missing in your relationship and how to work with your guilt and shame so it doesn't taint your relationship and make your fiancé and your daughter suffer so much because of your actions.

 

Whichever path you go down, it would be best if you had the help and guidance of a professional.

[Zenstudent]

I think you need to ask yourself if you want an authentic life or you want to live the lie(s).

 

One of the benefits of the authentic life is that if your fiancee still wants to marry you knowing what you did, you know that he truly loves you, morning breathe, warts and all.

 

You did wrong, now you have the choice to do right and be truthfull, or you can choose to lie to him each day for the rest of your life. You choose your path - who do you wanna be?

[aliveagain]

I will start at the beginning. I met my partner in. 2010. Prior to meeting him I was living the university life, going out (a lot) and generally getting up to no good. I then started a whirlwind romance with him and because he lived in another country at first, I went out to stay with him there and it got serious very quickly. We moved back to the UK and I fell pegnant in 2011. This was not planned, but we both wanted it and my daughter is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Fast forward 3 years and we are engaged to be married in 2014. We've bought a house and are very settled together.

 

So here is my problem. I went out with my best friend a couple of weeks ago (a rare occurance for me now). We had a great night and I met a guy who I danced with and generally had a laugh with. All harmless. At the end of the night I told him I was engaged and he gave me his number nevertheless. I guess it was that feeling of being desired and feeling still attractive to other men that caught my attention. Stupidly, the following week I text him when I was at work. Texting turned to flirting and before I knew it we arranged to meet up one evening whilst my partner was out and my little girl was at my parents. At this point I was still convincing myself it was all harmless and friendly. I think I was just in denial about what was happening. Anyway, we met up, had an amazing evening in a small country pub with non stop laughter. I eventually went back to his hotel and we had sex. We met up the day after too, just briefly. We only had sex once but kissed a lot more. It wasn't like a seedy affair, I genuinely thought I had some sort of feelings for the guy and him for me. Anyway, he was from away and has now gone home (back to his girlfriend). I was really really sad when he left as if he was leaving me behind. We planned not to speak again unless he came this way again which is unlikely.

 

Now I cannot stop thinking about it all. First I thought it was sadness that this guy had gone, but now I realise that it sadness because I'm left with picking up the pieces of a relationship that, in my eyes, is now forever tainted. My partner has no idea. I know if I told him it would be the end. It is not just him I would hurt , but our families and my daughter especially.

 

I have vowed to myself to keep quiet, but I can't stand the aching in my chest any longer. I used to self harm a long time ago and have even considered self punishment to try to ease the pain in my chest. I am also obsessing over the guy I was with, as if I envy his life because he is not tied down with family commitments and is free to do and go wherever he pleases.

 

I'm not sure if this post makes sense. It is somewhat cathartic writing all this down, but I have no idea where to go from here. A month ago I was so happy, I had purchased my wedding dress and couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with my man. Now I feel suffocated and trapped, as if I have had no control over what has happened in my life. He has no idea. I can't eat, I can't concentrate and I can't face the thought of letting him touch me as the fear of him smelling infidenlity on me if he gets too close is killing me.

 

 

Please someone help me. Tell me where I go from here. I think I am still in denial because I was telling myself before that as we aren't married, it isn't as bad as it could be. I get married in 9 months and I feel I am drowning.

 

 

You can't marry him with this secret, you need to tell him otherwise you are taking his right to choose for himself just as you did by being unfaithful. He gave you his number, why did you honestly keep it, why did you not throw it away at the end of the night? You initiated contact, you texted him, this is all you, you are the pursuer. You planned to meet him when your fiancé and daughter were out. How did you explain your entire evening away from home to your partner, why did you go back for more the next day? You need to tell your fiancé, you and he needs to be tested for STD's, please don't risk his health by having unprotected sex with him. I know you will say you used protection, but even if you did, STD's can be spread by oral means as well as by any penetration(fingers, tongue) as well as any exchange of bodily fluids.

 

Why did you have to convince yourself that it was harmless and friendly? If you really thought that you would have gotten the approval from your boyfriend before you went to meet him. If it's a secret from your fiancé, your cheating. Why is meeting a stranger at a hotel and getting your ass bounded by him all night not seedy? Going back the next day tells me that you shouldn't be marring your fiancé, you are just too greedy and selfish. You shouldn't marry anyone until you get help for what's broken in you. How will you remain faithful to him if your already cheating, what will you do to him years from now when some of the newness has worn off? Your best hope is honesty, take the blame, take action and get yourself into independent counseling. Your words will mean sh*t, only your actions will be believable.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want to be told the truth and be tested for STD's? It is time to be honest with your boyfriend. It is the very least you can do for him.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

My first impression is that you're not yet ready to be married. Being married entails 'being tied down' and 'family commitments'.

 

If you wish to examine these factors and move forward, either processing them, disclosing your PA, or terminating the engagement on amicable terms, I'd suggest using PMC (this is counseling with a disinterested third party professional) to clarify which path is the healthiest for your relationship. Good luck.

[aliveagain]

How did you explain your absence for the entire night to your parents, they were watching your daughter? You betrayed your daughter when you betrayed her father. You need to come clean, keeping this secret from your fiancé will eat your soul. It will always be the big white elephant in the room, you need to deal with it now. You also state that you plan to speak to him if he comes this way again, you say your remorseful but you intend to cheat on your fiancé again. What's wrong with you? Get tested.

[Jonah]

After a few weeks and you see that nothing happens, the obsession will start to wane and you will be back to normal. Chill out, but watch out for all this excitement does have its own sick appeal and it can be quite addictive.

[harrybrown]

Tell you soon to be husband. Get tested for stds. So you will give yourself to another man and do not want your soon to be husband to touch you? So you cheated on him and then reject him. Would you like this to be reversed?

Call off the wedding. Did you think about your child or your finance when you cheated? Do not trickle truth your finance? Tell him everything you did with the OM and that you do not want him to touch you. You will hurt your finance and he will not get over that hurt for years. It will be on his mind all the time. You have destroyed him.

[Silly_Girl]

This is actually a bit more than what a group of strangers on an internet forum can advise.

 

Since there is a very young child at stake here, my recommendation is to find a competent counselor and get some individual counseling and work with the counselor to come up with what plan would be best for you and your situation.

 

with the counselors help he/she may recommend bringing your fiancé into it and breaking it to him with the counselors help and guidance so all of you can work together to help things moving forward with your relationship into the future.

 

Or the counselor may recommend keeping this private and the counselor working with you to find what it is you are missing in your relationship and how to work with your guilt and shame so it doesn't taint your relationship and make your fiancé and your daughter suffer so much because of your actions.

 

Whichever path you go down, it would be best if you had the help and guidance of a professional.

 

OP, no counsellor I've seen would ever make recommendations or advise you. They will help you understand how you feel about scenarios and the potential outcome of each, but it will be down to you to do what you feel us best. Just wanted to mention that.

[BeholdtheMan]

It wasn't like a seedy affair

Yes but it was betrayal nonethless, arguable worse because it wasn't purely physical (which I'm guessing is what you mean by "seedy")

 

I know if I told him it would be the end. It is not just him I would hurt , but our families and my daughter especially.

Please...none of this "I'm not telling him because I don't want to hurt him" nonsense. You're hiding the truth to protect yourself. You don't want to look terrible in the eyes of him, his family, your own family, and your daughter. You don't want to deal with the shame, inconvenience, and other negative consequences of confessing.

 

Keeping your betrayal secret is not a selfless decision, it's an extremely selfish one.

 

I can almost guarantee you that he would want to know whether his fiance has been screwing another guy. Put yourself in his shoes. Wouldn't you want to know the truth?

 

I have vowed to myself to keep quiet, but I can't stand the aching in my chest any longer. I used to self harm a long time ago and have even considered self punishment to try to ease the pain in my chest.

Here's an idea. Instead of cutting yourself, how about you tell your fiance the truth: you've cheated on him.

 

You're afraid of being tied down with reponsibility? Tell your fiance that you've been riding some other guy's c*ck. He might very well leave you, in which case you'll be "free"...problem solved!

 

I have no idea where to go from here.

How about the path of honesty to yourself and to your fiance. Tell him you've cheated. Tell him you're not ready for marriage. It sounds like you're not happy and you need a lot of time to work on your committment issues. I think the very least your fiance deserves is some honesty from you, the woman who's supposed to be in love with him. Edited September 9, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[Deeplydisturbed]

Not wanting to sound mean but please don't ruin your fiance's life. The poor guy didn't do anything wrong. You're probably not in love with him. If you're doing it before marriage, you're going to do it again after marriage. If your fiance decides to work it out with you, then I suppose you can give it a try but please tell him immediately. If you're having to work on your marriage even before you start it, its a sign you shouldn't get into it. Take it from a guy who has had an awful marriage with a woman whom he loves deeply. Marriage is not kid's play. Most of us fail miserably at it. You have a mountain to to climb already.