27 with no dating experience, how do i change that

[veryshy]

So i'm 27, soon to be 28 and I really have no personal life. Which is unbelievably depressing.

 

Without getting too deep into it, those teenage years when most people figure out how to act socially & date was a fairly bad time for me. So much so that my psych thinks i may have "shut down" socially as a coping mechanism.(i've also got a few theories with regard to possibilities of why i have such trouble with sociable aspects of my life)

 

I'm not without tiny experiences during that rough period. I had one "girlfriend" if i use the term extremely loosely when i was 14, but really i have a woman friend who is close to me than that girl was in any way, shape, or form.

 

And from 17-19 i had two girls who were really attracted to me. One was told i didn't like her by a coworker who mistook my surprise for disgust.(talking wasnt a strong point for me then). And another where i recoiled when she went to hold my hand. This one i did manage to ask out later on and had a full on panic attack shortly after getting a "maybe".

 

From there, its been a steady stream of rejection and "just be friends"...which at this point, i'm starting to feel like "just be friends" is a 100x more hurtful.

 

So now here i am working on things for the last 6yrs and having a lot of trouble just being able to meet people. At my age nearly all of my friends are married or if single, moved away. So its a little hard to go out because it feels so awkward when i think of going out somewhere social by myself.

 

I tried online dating for awhile, but i never met a single person on there and as of now i've given up on that avenue.

 

I even thought at one point that being overweight was "the issue", but -80lbs later, the only difference is that i make more "just be friends" opportunities.

 

Thanks for reading my rant, any advice is appreciated.

[Dallers]

Good Evening,

 

Going to give you a bit of a lecture here but you need it.

 

Firstly change your name from 'veryshy' that is a label you are putting on yourself and you have clearly lost all belief in who you are because nobody is very shy, if you are shy it is because of a past experience that has made you that way. Insecurity, low self esteem and lack of confidence. All of these things come out in your post and before you can even start to think of dating you must confront the problem you have because it is hard enough finding someone let alone fighting a losing battle with yourself before you even get started.

 

Something has clearly happened to you to make you this way, were you bullied? were you humiliated in any way that scared you badly? I ask this because a really bad rejection was what started me on a downward spiral that I have bounced back from stronger than ever and it can be something like this that can send your mind into this so called 'coping mechanism' that you mention. When actually you have pushed yourself down that path to protect from these things ever happening again.

 

I do not think you need to see a psych personally I could have said the same where I was a few years back but to me that would just make me think I am nuts when I am not and just from reading your post I would say you are perfectly normal you have just buried your head in the sand so far and for so long you can see no way back, and I do not like Doctors.

 

3 years ago I was insanely depressed, I weighed 20 stone, my health was horrific and I had not gone near a girl in a good while since that bad rejection.

 

No one was there to help me and I refused to let anyone in so I decided one day I had enough and would change everything about myself before I reached the point of no return. I became completely self reliant on being alone and focused on one thing changing every single thing about me that I hated. Firstly I accepted who I was and what I had become and made fitness and exercise the biggest part of my life, diet, research, learning and building a new me that was the person I always wanted to be. 3 years on 11 stone, lean, much more confident and walk with a skip in my step I can tell you that you can turn anything around if you stop feeling sorry for yourself and grow some balls. I am much happier, I still have not found the right girl yet but I have a life in which I can be happy alone and to be honest I love my life now the way it is and I am as alpha as I could ever imagine, full of confidence and self esteem.

 

I notice that you mention weight loss being a reason for finding a girl. I used to get a lot more girls when I was big than I do now when I am lean, it really is mind over matter and I think I intimidate girls now.

 

You must confront whatever past experience or problem that is causing you to be this way, I assume you are a man and I would recommend looking into your lifestyle meaning what you eat and how much exercise and weight training you do. I say this because hormonal imbalance can have huge effects on your mental state and cause many of the things that you have mentioned. Look good - Feel good and this will begin to raise your self esteem and confidence by getting you more attention. Higher testosterone will also give you a more manly demeanor and appearance.

 

Finally I can tell you that you are making friends and not girlfriends because you are not confident enough to take the chances when they show themselves to you. Like the two girls that liked you, ok the first was messed up by a cock blocker but the second who could have become a girlfriend and you had a nervous breakdown when being around her is what has turned you into being the 'nice guy' instead which will always lead you down the path of the infamous 'friend zone'.

 

No one can help you to change from what you have become, get to work changing yourself now forget dating in any way shape or form the right girl will come along when you least expect it and by doing something new you will meet someone new or in ten years time you will be wondering where your life went.

 

Embrace being alone.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Dallers

[veryshy]

Good Evening,

 

Going to give you a bit of a lecture here but you need it.

 

Firstly change your name from 'veryshy' that is a label you are putting on yourself and you have clearly lost all belief in who you are because nobody is very shy, if you are shy it is because of a past experience that has made you that way. Insecurity, low self esteem and lack of confidence. All of these things come out in your post and before you can even start to think of dating you must confront the problem you have because it is hard enough finding someone let alone fighting a losing battle with yourself before you even get started.

 

Something has clearly happened to you to make you this way, were you bullied? were you humiliated in any way that scared you badly? I ask this because a really bad rejection was what started me on a downward spiral that I have bounced back from stronger than ever and it can be something like this that can send your mind into this so called 'coping mechanism' that you mention. When actually you have pushed yourself down that path to protect from these things ever happening again.

 

I do not think you need to see a psych personally I could have said the same where I was a few years back but to me that would just make me think I am nuts when I am not and just from reading your post I would say you are perfectly normal you have just buried your head in the sand so far and for so long you can see no way back, and I do not like Doctors.

 

3 years ago I was insanely depressed, I weighed 20 stone, my health was horrific and I had not gone near a girl in a good while since that bad rejection.

 

No one was there to help me and I refused to let anyone in so I decided one day I had enough and would change everything about myself before I reached the point of no return. I became completely self reliant on being alone and focused on one thing changing every single thing about me that I hated. Firstly I accepted who I was and what I had become and made fitness and exercise the biggest part of my life, diet, research, learning and building a new me that was the person I always wanted to be. 3 years on 11 stone, lean, much more confident and walk with a skip in my step I can tell you that you can turn anything around if you stop feeling sorry for yourself and grow some balls. I am much happier, I still have not found the right girl yet but I have a life in which I can be happy alone and to be honest I love my life now the way it is and I am as alpha as I could ever imagine, full of confidence and self esteem.

 

I notice that you mention weight loss being a reason for finding a girl. I used to get a lot more girls when I was big than I do now when I am lean, it really is mind over matter and I think I intimidate girls now.

 

You must confront whatever past experience or problem that is causing you to be this way, I assume you are a man and I would recommend looking into your lifestyle meaning what you eat and how much exercise and weight training you do. I say this because hormonal imbalance can have huge effects on your mental state and cause many of the things that you have mentioned. Look good - Feel good and this will begin to raise your self esteem and confidence by getting you more attention. Higher testosterone will also give you a more manly demeanor and appearance.

 

Finally I can tell you that you are making friends and not girlfriends because you are not confident enough to take the chances when they show themselves to you. Like the two girls that liked you, ok the first was messed up by a cock blocker but the second who could have become a girlfriend and you had a nervous breakdown when being around her is what has turned you into being the 'nice guy' instead which will always lead you down the path of the infamous 'friend zone'.

 

No one can help you to change from what you have become, get to work changing yourself now forget dating in any way shape or form the right girl will come along when you least expect it and by doing something new you will meet someone new or in ten years time you will be wondering where your life went.

 

Embrace being alone.

 

First off, thank you for your thoughts on the matter.

 

secondly yes to bullied and yes to humiliated. I have an older brother who was a torturous SOB in his younger years. Starting from when i was in the 1st grade and admitting to him that i had a crush on a classmate. Which he promptly taunted me about on a near daily basis for years on end. Mix in regular taunting of anything he found out bothered me and top it off with physical "abuse".(would start fights and/or just hit me to amuse himself). That was just my home life.

 

School life is where more humiliation comes in. I had atleast 4 or more teachers who liked to humiliate students who were performing poorly. Which shouldn't shock anyone that i was a crap student with the home life above. Nothing crushes your self-worth quite like having a teacher crap on you followed by a class laughing at you and then it happening several times. Needless to say, it affected my sociability and my views towards school. Its the reason why i'm soon to be 28 and just now getting ready to transfer to a 4yr university.

 

I will completely disagree with you with regards to the psych. Mostly because in the time i've been seeing the Dr. i've made the most progress. These days i can at least manage eye contact and small talk. Before that i could barely stand to look at people directly when we'd speak. For whatever reason, it was uncomfortable to me.

 

The weight loss wasn't 100% motivated to get girls, but it was a big part of it. I have a family that typically eats food that's horrible for you.(the typical north american diet) And I sure as hell don't want to end up with adult onset diabetes like my father.

 

As for before weight/after weight loss. I'm positive that the weight loss was atleast a meaningful step in the right direction. At my original height/weight 6'4 277lb(19.79 stone), i went several years of college without speaking to a single woman. In the last year @ 195-204(13.93-14.57 stone) i've spoken to a girl or two every class. Things just don't go any further than speaking.

 

I think i look good these days, but feeling good is a whole different story. As for my diet habits, i maintain a 2000-2200 calorie diet w/ running 1-1.5 miles 3-4 times a week(including today). No weight training. Its too boring for me to get into it.

[Dallers]

First off, thank you for your thoughts on the matter.

 

secondly yes to bullied and yes to humiliated. I have an older brother who was a torturous SOB in his younger years. Starting from when i was in the 1st grade and admitting to him that i had a crush on a classmate. Which he promptly taunted me about on a near daily basis for years on end. Mix in regular taunting of anything he found out bothered me and top it off with physical "abuse".(would start fights and/or just hit me to amuse himself). That was just my home life.

 

School life is where more humiliation comes in. I had atleast 4 or more teachers who liked to humiliate students who were performing poorly. Which shouldn't shock anyone that i was a crap student with the home life above. Nothing crushes your self-worth quite like having a teacher crap on you followed by a class laughing at you and then it happening several times. Needless to say, it affected my sociability and my views towards school. Its the reason why i'm soon to be 28 and just now getting ready to transfer to a 4yr university.

 

I will completely disagree with you with regards to the psych. Mostly because in the time i've been seeing the Dr. i've made the most progress. These days i can at least manage eye contact and small talk. Before that i could barely stand to look at people directly when we'd speak. For whatever reason, it was uncomfortable to me.

 

The weight loss wasn't 100% motivated to get girls, but it was a big part of it. I have a family that typically eats food that's horrible for you.(the typical north american diet) And I sure as hell don't want to end up with adult onset diabetes like my father.

 

As for before weight/after weight loss. I'm positive that the weight loss was atleast a meaningful step in the right direction. At my original height/weight 6'4 277lb(19.79 stone), i went several years of college without speaking to a single woman. In the last year @ 195-204(13.93-14.57 stone) i've spoken to a girl or two every class. Things just don't go any further than speaking.

 

I think i look good these days, but feeling good is a whole different story. As for my diet habits, i maintain a 2000-2200 calorie diet w/ running 1-1.5 miles 3-4 times a week(including today). No weight training. Its too boring for me to get into it.

 

Your welcome.

 

The whole growing up situation makes a lot of sense and sadly it sounds as though some real idiots and pretty lame individuals made your life hell so that is understandable why you are the way you are.

 

I also understand why you think you need a phych and that it is helping you my only worry for you is that you are 28 and only making very small progress in terms of getting your life back on track. If this was an animal that had been abused and you were trying to get it like you I could understand why time would be needed but you have been like this for long enough! If it has taken you 6 years to get this far then you intend to be say 34 before you are in a position to really push the boat out?!

 

I think you really just need to go out of your comfort zone in a big way and do something that you are scared ****-less of doing. Expect the worst possible outcome and once you do it there are two things that could happen. The outcome that you were expecting happens or you surprise yourself. It is called progress. Do something once and fail learn from your mistake and continue failing until you succeed. In your case you have failed a few times and given up, similar to my really bad rejection scenario. Now I have got myself into a position that the rejection scenario could not possibly happen again because if it did I would just laugh walk away and not be bothered.

 

I still think you should really consider that this is not all in your head as well, I mentioned weight training because hormonal imbalance can make a big difference for a man. Weight training and proper food raises your testosterone helping you build muscle and lose fat and in essence become more manly. More T, more confidence to do things that you normally would not do.

 

You also do not have to speak as much as you think I am the same in the speaking department in person I get tongue tied, but because of my other traits I do not have to say anything really and I come across as mysterious and girls seem to do all the work for me.

 

Try and get your energy levels up and scare yourself into getting out of your comfort zone. Every time you think of doing something and then back away beat yourself up about it and go and try again. If it goes completely wrong walk away as if this was progress and then try again. I cannot say anything more than what I have already the rest is on you. I wish you all the best and hope that you step up before it is too late.

 

D

Edited September 8, 2013 by Dallers

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