thepilot24 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Ive been with my girlfriend for about 9 months. When we met, we had both been going through some life changing events. At the time she wasnt working, and had some other responsibilities to take care of (personal legal issues). She took care of them, and lives with her family (grandparents) who support her more or less. she has certain chores, and responsibilities, although its not to terribly much. It isnt an all day every day chore list, more of helping with dinner, laundry, basically earning her keep. The grandparents are in their 80s, and need help going to dr appointments at times, and cannot do some of the chores they have. After we started dating, and she took care of her legal issues, we began to discuss moving in together. I should mention that she currently doesnt have a vehicle, or a job. She stayed with me for about a month, and seemed depressed. Many days not even getting to her grandparents house, of which they could come and get her most of the time, or even getting out of bed. After a period of time, animosity began building between us, as i felt stressed that even though she wasnt working, she should be able to do more around the house to help out. often i would come home from my full time job, and then have to prepare dinner, and tend to my child. SHe has 2 children and they do not live with her. SHe left my apt, and went back to her grandparents house, and resumed her life of helping her grandparents out as she was doing before. We have tlked about marriage, and it was discussed that i couldnt support her, myself, my child, and her kids when they were there on just my salery alone. I tried supporting just me, my child, and his mother and i know this will not work. it is stressful, and it seems money is always tight, always stretched. She assured me that she wanted to go back to work, and wanted to be able to be in a partnership with me. She hasnt had a job in about 5 years. REcently, I have begun the process of buying a house. I am qualified for a VA loan, and have a decent job. My child and i have been ok for past couple years, and this is the next step in our lives. I will be buying a house hopefully within the next 6 months. I have told my girlfriend that she can live with us, but she would have to be working to do so, that i couldnt afford all bills and supporting her not working. We had a discussion last night about the future, and i again reminded her that if she wanted to live there, then she had to have a job. She told me she felt like i was trying to buy this house quick before we got married so it wouldnt be "hers," in a sense that if she moved in later she would only view it as my house. This is true to a point that, if i do get married, i have a problem with someone being awarded in a divorce a house that i paid for and recieved because i served in the military years before i even met her. Im not going to lose what i have worked so hard to get. I can understand about depression, and i can understand about fear. My issue is, if she doesnt have the desire, ability, or the yerning to even get a job to become more independent, then how can i rely on her to be able to help run a household, and trust her with the keys to my life ( ie: finances, vehicle, ect). I didnt set very good boundaries with her when we first met, and spent more money and time on her than i should have, and in turn made my child jealous of her. THose set backs have been remedied, and are being addressed currently, and my child is accepting of her in our lives. I dont want to present her with an ultimatum. I feel as if she wants to be taken care of, yet treated as an equal. I have doubts that if she does go get a job if she would really commit to holding it, or at least having a solid work history from here on out. She had good jobs before, and has some college. She is no dummy, but i think she is a manipulator. I also have instincts that i should bail on the relationship, becasue she doesnt do what i think she should. I cant expect her to make decisions the same as me, or to do the things i want her to do though. Her legal problems stemmed from drug use, and she is clean and sober now, piecing her life back together. I just feel that she isnt ready for the whole marrige thing yet, but has the potential to be a good partner if she could take the next step in her own life. I wouldnt need her to help with bills. I wouldnt buy a house i couldnt afford, although i do expect her to help pay for our lives together, and to contribute what she can. I would want to wait for her, but am concerned that throught the next year we may grow apart. My question is, do i continue this relationship, urging her to grow at her own pace, which i dont have a problem with how slow it is at this time, or, do i follow the part of me that says cut the dead weight?
heartshaped Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 It's time to cut her loose. She hasn't had a job in five years. She isn't interested in getting a job and any job she got would just be to manipulate you at this point. You've told her repeatedly where you stand on the subject of her working and she has not even attempted to work. When she was living with you, from your account, she really did nothing, not even housework, as well. I think your girlfriend has gotten extremely comfortable being taken care of by her elderly grandparents and is looking for a husband to take over that when they can no longer support her. Again, cut her loose.
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