BLS Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 My long term ex and I broke up almost 6 months ago. It was a 2.5 year relationship. That followed by a month long relationship I wasn't really into. When I realized I wasn't that into her I broke it off. We are still friends and get along well. Recently I have been meeting up with another, new girl. For the past few weeks I've felt like I don't want to be in another long term relationship for a long time and desperately need to learn to be by myself and just date around. The new girl and I seem to have become pretty close pretty fast. We are similar people with similar interests, unlike any of my past relationships. We are dating very casually right now, however as of yesterday I feel myself developing feelings for her. I don't want this, I don't want to have strong feelings like this for somebody. Mentally I KNOW i don't want to be in a monogamous relationship but my emotions are acting on their own. I don't know what to do.
Eivuwan Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 The question is... why don't you want a monogamous relationship? Why are you afraid of falling for someone? 1
Author BLS Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 The question is... why don't you want a monogamous relationship? Why are you afraid of falling for someone? I don't want one because I'm only 20 years old and to be able to meet and flirt with new girls whenever I choose to or the opportunity arises. She is 26 and although we are both at similar spots in life (in college) I don't think she'll want it either. I'm afraid of falling for somebody because I want to learn to be OK with myself, on my own. I realized my dependence on one other women will hurt my quality of life. When the relationship inevitably ends, I want to be OK with it instead of miserable like I was last time.
Eivuwan Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 So negative. A monogamus relationship doesn't mean that you'll become overly dependent on someone. Relationships fail all the time but people risk their hearts again and again. You seem to be very afraid of being hurt. If you really don't want to fall for her, then perhaps it's time to move on.
Author BLS Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 I feel like behaving in such a way to make her develop feelings is the best way to go about it. All this **** is just a game and there's no way around it. When you become too emotionally honest and the other person feels they have you wrapped around their finger, you've lost.
almond Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I feel like behaving in such a way to make her develop feelings is the best way to go about it. All this **** is just a game and there's no way around it. When you become too emotionally honest and the other person feels they have you wrapped around their finger, you've lost. You seem pretty jaded. I don't think you've properly worked through the pain of your last breakup, and there appear to be lingering emotions. In the right relationship, it's not a game. Someone that truly loves you won't have you "wrapped around their finger." You definitely do still need some time on your own, and it's good that you recognise this. If you feel yourself falling for this girl too fast, maybe pull back or end it. Wait until you're ready before committing again. Work through whatever is going on with you. Your outlook towards relationships is very negative, and bitterness is toxic. Do not indulge it. Work on it. 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Stay single, don't get yourself wrapped up in a relationship because you're in a confusing emotional state...all that will happen is you'll push forward "believing" that maybe you'll be ready but then at some point you'll realize you are not and start back-pedaling, by then you've got the woman's hopes up and she's invested...but that's likely what you want, to know where she emotionally stands because without her being sucked in that'll make you insecure. So IMO any way you play this is essentially going to be a "game" unless you are completely transparent and straight-forward with your words and actions from the beginning...right now you're going to be misleading and confusing to women and they'll just think your fear of a relationship is an irrational one and that things can change once you "give things a chance"...that's how women think, they think there is always an opportunity for something positive or at least to get what they want. She's older than you which is a good thing as well, means she might have a few more wheels spinning in her head than a girl around your age because by 26 most women have been mislead or strung-along in some fashion or through a negative experience and are on guard with their emotions, they learn to put up a wall...but that is wise of them because a guy like you is going to pull a 180 once you get cold feet, because you'll find yourself still holding on and guarded even after she puts down her defenses...even if she's not all that into you herself, it's really people's personal issues and feelings that gets them involved in the first place....this is not about "love", but your own fears/problems. I expect you to act a fool at 20 and likely roll the dice, but I think you'll find things much less complicated if you don't get yourself in over your head past that line you KNOW you don't want to go or aren't ready (whatever you want to tell yourself)....you've got a lot to learn, and believe it or not these kinds of romances will come and go, keep dating and you'll see...if you get tripped up and end up in a relationship you really aren't ready for, that's typical...and you'll probably regret it like many other guys your age that know they want to be single but then put themselves in a corner, then they have to deal with the discomfort of trying to pull away, much like you did with the last girl...if you think this is different it's not going to be after the initial surge of emotion and power struggle. 1
Author BLS Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 got the woman's hopes up and she's invested...but that's likely what you want, to know where she emotionally stands because without her being sucked in that'll make you insecure. Wow right on the money. But I have no idea what she wants at this point, we are physical with one another and I've told her things I don't typically tell other people (about my life). However neither of us have expressed interest in anything more than casual dating. The night we really bonded together I told her I wanted to learn to be OK on my own, but she talks to me in a way where she seems to think I'm revolving my time around her schedule. Guess I'm coming off as too available. You could be very right, and that once the chase is over and she admits feelings I won't care anymore. But right now if she said something admitting more than just physical feelings I'd be happy
Woggle Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 If you want casual stick to women you would never in a million years want to commit to. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Wow right on the money. But I have no idea what she wants at this point, we are physical with one another and I've told her things I don't typically tell other people (about my life). However neither of us have expressed interest in anything more than casual dating. The night we really bonded together I told her I wanted to learn to be OK on my own, but she talks to me in a way where she seems to think I'm revolving my time around her schedule. Guess I'm coming off as too available. You could be very right, and that once the chase is over and she admits feelings I won't care anymore. But right now if she said something admitting more than just physical feelings I'd be happy Take it for what it is, but don't go further just because you want an emotional reaction and attachment out of her, because she doesn't seem to be clinging or as transparent like the others and you're sharing personal details about yourself and with each other...that'll happen, but don't overthink it and overdo it due to something that is in the moment....that's not the clarity of how you really feel within yourself, that's just the ego, the high and desire to know how she feels so you'll feel more in control and secure with where you stand. That's all in it is (in so many words and vaguely) don't fall into it just for that.
Leigh 87 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Don't put all your eggs in one basket or invest in a person until they have gotten to know you and you and they have made their feelings and intentions clear. Normally I wait for the guy to bring it up, but if I feel things are mutual and I need clarification after a while, I will ALWAYS let the guy know how I feel, so I can find out if we are on the same page emotionally. If she is that into you and wants things to develop into a relationship, she will make it known if you don't ask her. Even if she is shy.
Recommended Posts