Thank God It's Over!- but why do I feel so bad?

[citygrrl]

I have been dating a guy for three years. Things were not great, and even though I was no angel, I never did some of the things he did. I found a videotape of one of his employees (female) dancing on his coffe table wearing only his underwear... with the candle I had just bought for him on the table!I treid to get over it, but it has always been one thing after another. He is very cruel and into name-calling, and when he wanted to see me, all we ever did was hang around his apartment. But he would go out on the nights we were not together, meet up with his buddies, and buy girls drinks all night long.

 

I went through a bout of depression in the spring and early summer, and all I wanted from him was a nice card, some flowers or a romantic dinner. But he couldn't do that for me - however, he did take an ex-girlfriend out to dinner at this time. He was constantly checking my cell phone while we were together to see if I had any calls. I really tried to break up with him, but he was very persistent.

 

Now, it seems (he talks so much b.s., I don't know if it's true or not) but he has started dating an employee. I am relieved that this is finally over in a way, but I feel like my self-esteem has been damaged. I'm not into going out and meeting someone new right away. The holidays are coming up shortly, and I don't feel beautiful anymore. Before I met him, I did. I don't even feel like going out, but I know it's not good to stay cooped up in the house, either. All of my friends are long gone, between him forbidding me to talk to them (most of my friends were male, and purely platonic situations!) and the rest due to their disgust of me staying with a guy like this. I feel like I need friends right now, not to cry on anyone's shoulder, but to go out and have fun, and get this guy off my mind. People would always say to me, "What do you SEE in him? You can do SO much better?" I really don't understand why I am so depressed and feel so disgusting right now. Is this normal? And, if so, how long does it last?

[moon]

It sounds like this guy really did a number on you. It sounds like he prided himself on keeping you down and in his control. Sounds like he has a big ego and needs to be taught a lesson. I say totally do not contact him at all. I think this guy just likes to be in control and when he sees he can't control you anymore he'll not know what to do. I would totally avoid him. He sounds like a cheater and not a nice person. I think we do get sucked into these types of relationships. I was in one where my ex liked to toss around "opinions" of me too---felt like name calling to me.....but to him, he thought he was just being "honest" and would say very calmly....I think you're a bitch. Like I made him say that. Even though I was just calling him on his drinking or partying or constant need for other women's attention. Makes no sense to me......I guess it might be bitchy to tell a guy to GROW UP.

 

I think in the long run you can't really benefit from a guy who only sees the bad in you and wants to control your every move. How can this serve you? Your self esteem will only get lower and lower. And of course in the end the guy will only dump you because you are so low and sad.....YEAH!!! He put you there by trying to make you believe that you were nothing. It is a vicious circle. Get out of the circle and go live your life. I know it is hard to believe that this guy is just a jerk like your friends are saying.....maybe your relationship just turned unhealthy---who knows. But in the end it really sounds like this guy wants to hurt you. Do you want to be hurt over and over again by this jerk? Don't give him the satisfaction!!! NC all the way. Good luck! I know it hurts now, but once you start feeling better about yourself I am sure you'll realize the benefits of no relationship with this guy vs. an unhealthy one, where he resorts to nasty name calling and very controlling behavior.

[citygrrl]

Thanks, Moon. You're right - what right does this guy have to control anyone? He was also very physically abusive as well - and I'm quite sure that he'll do the same to the current one he is with...

 

I guess as long as I sit around and mope, then in a way , he is still controlling me. I need to get out and be the person I was before him - happy and confident. The only problem is that we both liked to frequent the same places - so should I avoid those places, or continue to go wherever I please?

 

I treated him very well - too well. In time he will see the error of his ways, but then again maybe not, because of his *****ed up abusive behavior. At least now I don't have to worry about my phone being checked, and his fits if I don't grab the phone when he calls before the voicemail picks up. I won't have my purse searched, or have to answer to constant accusations of me cheating on him. I never once cheated on him. Although I had more than enough reason to, I figured the guilt would hurt me if I did. I'm not into that whole cheating thing.

 

And Revenge? For all of the rotten things he has done to me in 3 years, the best possible revenge I can get on him is to be happy, healthy and do well at my job. Whether he knows of it or not, I don't care. By doing these things, I will know in my heart that I didn't let him change me for the long haul. As controlling as he could be, he will no longer be able to control MY life any longer, and you are right in saying that not being able to do that after 3 years will probably drive him nuts! I have blocked him from IM's , emails and will have no problem with the NC, as long as I don't take my phone out with me when I go out for drinks!

 

I think it's wrong to focus on the negative in most situations, and I am usually the reminiscent type who remembers the good times. Yeah, we had our share of good times, but for now I will remember the bad. Because that will be what prevents me from picking up the phone. I know eventually he will try to contact me - but he had his chance and he failed miserably. Thanks for listening - I feel stronger already!