I think my GF is going to ask for money...

[LittleTrout]

Hello LS, long time lurker, first time poster.

 

This will probably be long, just want to explain the situation.

 

Me (28), and my GF (24), have been together for about 3 years now. We started off as FWB and it blossomed into a relationship. For about the past year, I’ve been working overseas as a contractor. Contracting is a very unstable job, and even now I’m not sure when I will be laid off. A few months ago, my GF thought we should move in “together.”

 

I was initially against this, as I’d be paying half of the rent when I’m not there. So I told her it would probably be easier if she got a place of her own, and I could even help her money wise here and there (groceries, cell bill, etc). She really wanted to have our own place, so I eventually caved with the compromise that after she got a job at the beginning of the school year (she’s a teacher) that she would pay $100-$200 more dollars than me for rent. I also thought it might be valuable to have a place so that if I did get let go, I could theoretically start college classes the day after I flew home on a plane.

 

It’s now been a few months. I haven’t hit her up to pay more for rent. I’m currently paying $650 for half the rent, and she’s paying 100% of the other bills like utilities, cable, etc. Now she doesn't make much money, maybe $20k for the school year, and she has a side job that’s a few hours a week for extra income. I’m barely hitting that six-figure salary. I had looked at all her expenses before we agreed to move in together. I knew she would be losing money the first month or 2, and after that with the extra 100-200 a month in rent, would still be cutting it a bit close financially depending on her job. She said she would be fine. But I still have my own financial goals and bills: Debt, saving for a car and house, etc.

 

I’m about to go on vacation and see her and family. Lately she’s been throwing a lot of hints out about needing money, such as: she’s mentioned a few times “she can’t go out with friends because she’s broke,” “only have a few hundred dollars in the account,” “I really need/ want this, but I can’t afford it.”

 

Now I’ve always been pretty generous with her with my money. I’d pay her cell bill about 33%-50% of the time, gifts, shopping, bought plane tickets and hotel for her to come see me during training before I left overseas. I had bought and paid for a nice week long vacation to Rome for us ($6k), even though it fell through because my company cancelled vacation.

 

I feel like she’s really put me in a bad spot, because either I cave and feel like a doormat/ used for her financial woes, or an enabler for mistakes like not wanting to get a job during the summer when she wasn't teaching, or I feel like a complete dick by denying her the money. It’s a lose-lose.

 

I mean she is 1 small disaster away from being in pretty big financial trouble. Her car is old and going out, she has CC debt, student loans, etc and only a few hundred bucks in the account.

 

So what do you think LS? If she flat out asks for money, should I be more supportive since I make more money? Or does she need to start acting like an adult and take responsibility?

[heartshaped]

It sounds like the two of you may view your relationship differently.

 

You're three years in now, you are in your late twenties and your girlfriend in her mid twenties, and you are living together. She obviously views the relationship as picking up and heading to a more serious place. I'm thinking that's why she has no problem asking you for money. She may even feel that you should be helping her out more financially as the two of you "live" together and have been together for so long.

 

I think whether or not you should help her out financially really just depends upon whether you want to and where you see this relationship going. I don't think you are obligated to at all, but I also don't see anything wrong with helping out your girlfriend of three years that you are "living with".

[LittleTrout]

It sounds like the two of you may view your relationship differently.

 

You're three years in now, you are in your late twenties and your girlfriend in her mid twenties, and you are living together. She obviously views the relationship as picking up and heading to a more serious place. I'm thinking that's why she has no problem asking you for money. She may even feel that you should be helping her out more financially as the two of you "live" together and have been together for so long.

 

I think whether or not you should help her out financially really just depends upon whether you want to and where you see this relationship going. I don't think you are obligated to at all, but I also don't see anything wrong with helping out your girlfriend of three years that you are "living with".

 

Thank you for the reply.

 

This is as far as our relationship will go. I've never been interested in marriage or kids. And she did know this before we were even dating. I had a vasectomy when i was 25.

[LittleTrout]

Are you in the U.S.? If so, first, she must be a substitute teacher or teach at a very low paying private school, because fulltime public school teachers make much much more than 20k these days, 2-4 times that in most areas I'm aware of. Is she trying to become fulltime? If so what is preventing that? If not seeking to be fulltime, why not? and is she seeking a higher paying fulltime job? She should be. IMO she needs to step up her income and work game before expecting more from you. You aren't even there. At the very least, yes, she should have a summer job. I wouldn't give her any more money than you are already. Time for her to step up her contribution.

 

I'm not in the US right now, and only will be soon for vacation, then coming right back over seas. But yes we are both from the US.

 

She was a sub last year. she's full time here, but they call it something else. she works 40 hours, gets benefits, but they pay half is much. it's stupid.

 

She's trying to get full time, but not really actively seeking other employment right now. it seems they pick the teachers in the beginning of the fall, and if you're out, there aren't many other options until the next school year. I personally don't think she's trying hard enough, and has put a big limit on her opportunities because she won't go out of city or state.

[2sunny]

Has she placed an add to tutor kids in the afternoon/evenings? She can make a lot of extra money. Here a tutor makes $35-$40 an hour.

 

Since your gone a lot - why isn't she working a second job?

 

It's not up to you to support her - it's up to her to support herself and her own obligations.

[dallet66]

Honestly, if your saying these things about your long term live in girlfriend to total strangers (us), you should probably say it to her. Personally, if I had a boyfriend who talked about me this way, ie: she should work harder, be more responsible, etc- I'd want to know. You obviously don't have real high opinions of her and don't seem to respect her profession, you don't even seem to know what she does! Money is not your biggest issue. There's a definite lack of respect for her on your part. Your words imply that you think she is a child and its your job to "show her real life".

Sounds like you need to show her respect by breaking up with her so she can find someone who wouldn't put her down.

[Dallers]

Never, Never, Never let money become an issue in a relationship. You are destined for trouble and big trouble not in little china.

 

You are not married, there is no civil partnership so there is no legally bound reason why you should give her any of your money and you should not is the simple answer. I lived with a girl for 2 years before going our separate ways and we both paid 50/50 and got on really well until I decided the spark had gone. Every bill was 50/50 and never changed and money not once became an issue even though she earned £££ less than me.

 

Either she pays her own way or you shouldn't be living together, she will own you eventually if you allow it to happen. There is a gesture and then there is asking for money and you my friend are the easy option.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Why in the hell would you fall into a financial hole with this woman when she's got everything to gain and you've got everything to lose?....you're working overseas and she got your @ss by pressuring you into doing something you didn't want to do, that was the time for you to have the balls to draw the line then and there...in fact you should have stepped back out of this relationship, it doesn't seem like you have the time or the means and for what? relationship will probably fall apart in the end but *poof* there goes your hard-earned dough and sacrifice so she could basically live a life she wants with your assistance.

 

That's money you could've put away and been accumulating on savings or investments...but you've thrown it all away for this relationship, you should have let her take care of her own shet and shoveled your own money into whatever it is you saw wisest...If she's not good with money which she doesn't sound like a financially sound/responsible person from the way you're describing this scenario, then she's ALWAYS going to need your help and assistance...but for what? you've got no kids together, she's not your wife...she's your GIRLFRIEND! stupid, stupid, stupid move on your part because you basically sound like you're playing a bit like daddy...let her own daddy pay her bills if she's got one...oh wait she does, it's you!

 

You need to tell her this isn't working out and she needs to move out in accommodations she can afford and that are financially feasible, and this is not working out for you because if something does go wrong it's going to require more financial investment from your end and that's not where you want to spend your money, it seems like an unreasonable way to spend your money.

 

I've known people who were teachers that pretty much always had a second job or worked another job until they could actually find work, it can take time to get a full time position that actually pays ok and then if he's not even hustling...forget it, there's more teachers than there are positions as it is.

 

Overall though, I just think you need to be single unless you lose your job and end up working closer to home...or just a find a girl who's taking care of herself and has the financial means so that it doesn't fall on one persons shoulders when it comes to traveling or what not and isn't a straw away from crumbling under her own finances which are dependent on you...that's not right or going to help either of you in the long run.

[veggirl]

You make 5x as much as her and are complaining about paying half the rent? Either put your foot down and demand she pay her agreed amount ($100-200 more than you) or get the fk over it. I seriously don't get what your problem is, you agreed to pay X amount so pay that amount. personally I think it was dumb of you to agree to get a place "together" when you didn't even WANT to but you did just that so stick to your end of the deal. Maybe you could pay the lease break fee and she could get her own place, then you're out of paying for rent.

[Eivuwan]

It seems that you two need to clarify what kind of relationship this is. She seems to think it's more serious than you think it is.

[FitChick]

Does she know you don't want to get married and that you've had a vasectomy (so she couldn't play the 'pregnancy card')?

 

If you cut her loose then I am willling to bet she'd find a good paying teaching job fast or at the very least a good paying tutor job.

[LittleTrout]

Has she placed an add to tutor kids in the afternoon/evenings? She can make a lot of extra money. Here a tutor makes $35-$40 an hour.

 

Since your gone a lot - why isn't she working a second job?

 

It's not up to you to support her - it's up to her to support herself and her own obligations.

 

That's actually a good idea. Something I hadn't thought of.

 

Honestly, if your saying these things about your long term live in girlfriend to total strangers (us), you should probably say it to her. Personally, if I had a boyfriend who talked about me this way, ie: she should work harder, be more responsible, etc- I'd want to know. You obviously don't have real high opinions of her and don't seem to respect her profession, you don't even seem to know what she does! Money is not your biggest issue. There's a definite lack of respect for her on your part. Your words imply that you think she is a child and its your job to "show her real life".

Sounds like you need to show her respect by breaking up with her so she can find someone who wouldn't put her down.

 

You're going to put me down for asking a question on an anonymous board? That's 90% of the reason forums like these exist. To ask questions, to get a different perspective, gain insight.

 

I do care about her, and respect her profession.

 

Honestly, this doesn't sound like a live-in relationship at all. It sounds like you two are roommates and you're resentful about spending one more cent than you have to. How romantic.

 

Everything comes down to the almighty dollar in this 'relationship.'

 

You're obviously keeping score and have been for 3 years. Maybe it's time to bail since you really seem resentful at this point.

 

I don't know how I cam across as resentful. I'm not saying "man, I wish I never spent any money on her." And the relationship doesn't come down to the dollar, I haven't been "keeping score." Keeping score would have been me complaining about how I've always bought her more expensive Christmas presents and vacations than what she has for me; that's not what i'm saying. I was simply trying to convey that I do spend money on her.

 

You make 5x as much as her and are complaining about paying half the rent? Either put your foot down and demand she pay her agreed amount ($100-200 more than you) or get the fk over it. I seriously don't get what your problem is, you agreed to pay X amount so pay that amount. personally I think it was dumb of you to agree to get a place "together" when you didn't even WANT to but you did just that so stick to your end of the deal. Maybe you could pay the lease break fee and she could get her own place, then you're out of paying for rent.

 

Not complaining about paying half the rent, I'm already paying that and as you said, i agreed to pay for it. The questions was in regards to giving more money.

 

Does she know you don't want to get married and that you've had a vasectomy (so she couldn't play the 'pregnancy card')?

 

If you cut her loose then I am willing to bet she'd find a good paying teaching job fast or at the very least a good paying tutor job.

 

Yes, she does know i don't want to get married, and that I've had the vasectomy.

 

Do you think she'd find a better job because she'd be more willing to work, or because i'm currently holding her back, or give her less reason to try harder?

[2sunny]

I think it's important, while someone is young, to learn to solve their OWN problems.

 

If that means she figures things out the hard way - then so be it. She needs to learn on her own.

 

If you decide to contribute more than you do now - I'd pay it directly to the landlord.