Well, I know. Now what?

[Babolat]

What is "BS"?

 

Not sure I can add any value you, but FWIW...

 

My 9 year marriage ended in one day. It was moving downhill fast prior, I was miserable, so was she. We were arguing all the time and I got to the point where I just did not like her. I was committed to "the marriage" though.

 

Sex was a four letter word for the last 6+ years. I still think she had issues with sex or her body, image, something...anyway....

 

We had an event, a bad argument, my interpretation of what happened was totally different than hers. That night she said she did not love me anymore and slept in the spare bedroom. That morning, prior to the argument, I remember reaching over to touch her in bed, and she moved away from me; a first.

 

I tried reconciliation, as it felt like the right thing to do, for a week, nothing, like a wall, so I moved out and into a hotel and started the mediation process immediately. I was the one who pushed the divorce and made everything happen. She never even asked for a divorce now that I think about it.

 

She had been to Europe about a month prior to this argument for work, with her male boss, Amesterdam and England. I did not give it much thought until later, but there were a couple of times where she missed our scheduled call, and one weekend I never heard from her.

 

My dad and his wife are 100% convinced she was having an affair and/or cheated on me while in Europe, with her boss. They kept asking and asking for the first 2 years and I could care less. I saw them this weekend and they asked again, even suggested I hire a PI or, the next time I see her best friends husband walking in the neighborhood, as I see him every few months say "I never knew she was cheating on me" to get his reaction.

 

They think she cheated as about 2 months prior to me moving out she announced she had a baby before she met me (almost 14 years together total), gave it up for adoption immediately. She only told me then as the baby, then a 21 year old woman, sent her a letter wanting to meet her. She refused to; that really upset me. They said if she could hide that she could hide cheating.

 

I don't care, honestly. The end was the best thing that happened to me, and that's how I view it. I probably could not have done it as I took my vows seriously.

 

My life has been amazing since it ended. I miss a companion, I miss having a buddy, someone to talk to, I miss intimacy, affection, someone to share my life with....I don't miss her though. I have dated 4 woman in 2.5+ years, the sex has been amazing (I though I was a pervert for even wanting sex in my marriage), I have learned a lot about myself, and I know I am closer to finding me and the right gal for me.

 

So, to answer your question....

 

I dunno...hope my story helps though! My point is, I believe things happen for a reason. I would not focus on the what and why, rather how much better your life is now...even though you are not having sex...

 

You are not doomed for life...these were his choices, cowardly ones at that...he has issues, not you.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Babolat

[Betterthanthis13]

This is a spinoff from a different thread that got chopped up and moved around, but this quote was still available to copy and paste so I hope I am not breaking any LS policies by continuing the discussion here.

 

 

Quote:

They surely 'want' to know... who wouldn't? But then they end up torturing themselves with it for the rest of their lives.

 

My question:

 

I do not want to be bitter and torture myself for the rest of my life with feeling angry and humiliated from being the recipient of atrocious lies and serial cheating.

I am trying to move on with my life, use LS, therapy, books, etc to get over it. I am going to take some time to myself and then probably start dating again. I have no interest in torturing myself with bitterness. It's not really fun. So this question is specifically for the people who advocate not telling a BS about infidelity.

 

What advice would you give me? Would I have been better off not knowing about xbfs serial cheating? The escorts, the ONS, the massage parlors, the ashley madison hookups? Getting married to him and having kids with him?

 

Now that I do know, am I better off for knowing or am I doomed to a life of self torture as was suggested by another poster?

 

Discuss.

 

This question must be very boring since I can't get any takers from the "don't tell" camp on this thread...so I suppose I will do it debate team style and attempt to answer for the opposing team myself based on my knowlege of their position and see how it works out.

 

Q's: Would BTT be better off not knowing about her xbf's serial cheating? Should her xbf never have confessed? Is she doomed to a life of self torture? If he never confessed, should someone else have told her? What if she was pregnant?

 

Answers from "Don't ever tell the BS/ Stay out of it" camp: (My guesses)

 

1. Would BTT be better off not knowing about her xbfs serial cheating?

 

Yes. Ignorance is bliss. What she doesnt know won't hurt her. Just because her boyfriend is having unprotected sex with hookers behind her back is no reason to tell the truth.

 

2. Should her xbf have confessed in June when she accused him?

 

No. By telling her the truth, all he did was hurt her. Look at her. She is a maniac now. She was so happy before June, living peacefully with her boyfriend, having fun. Now all she does is type crazy stuff on Loveshack. She is not happy anymore. She was happy when she didn't know about all this sex addiction crap

 

3. Is she doomed to a life of self torture?

 

Yes, obviously. She is acting like a nutjob answering her own threads. She would be much better off without all this free time.

 

4. If he never confesses, should someone else tell her?

 

Absolutely not. People need to mind their own business. Just because her boyfriend is having secret unprotected sex with prostitutes and MOW's from Ashley Madison does not mean she needs to know about it. Ignorance is bliss. She is in a happy relationship. People need to leave that alone.

 

5. What if she was pregnant?

 

Definitely dont tell her then! Let the guy keep poking his stick into any disease infested hole while her pregnancy comes to term, and she is still having unprotected sex with him as well. She will be much much happier living in the web of lies and false reality he has created for her. Don't tell, never tell, let him keep cheating....... BTT will be much happier NOT knowing. Stay out of it.

 

-----------------------

 

Was that an accurate application of the "don't tell" philosophy to my situation? I could be way off...... I dont know, these are just guesses

 

Thoughts?

[BetrayedH]

The most common 'reasons' I see are:

 

(1). It's not your place to tell. It's none of your business.

(2). Why would you blow up someone's world like that? You're sick and I hope karma comes back to bite you in the ass.

[BetrayedH]

This question must be very boring since I can't get any takers from the "don't tell" camp on this thread...so I suppose I will do it debate team style and attempt to answer for the opposing team myself based on my knowlege of their position and see how it works out.

 

Q's: Would BTT be better off not knowing about her xbf's serial cheating? Should her xbf never have confessed? Is she doomed to a life of self torture? If he never confessed, should someone else have told her? What if she was pregnant?

 

Answers from "Don't ever tell the BS/ Stay out of it" camp: (My guesses)

 

1. Would BTT be better off not knowing about her xbfs serial cheating?

 

Yes. Ignorance is bliss. What she doesnt know won't hurt her. Just because her boyfriend is having unprotected sex with hookers behind her back is no reason to tell the truth.

 

2. Should her xbf have confessed in June when she accused him?

 

No. By telling her the truth, all he did was hurt her. Look at her. She is a maniac now. She was so happy before June, living peacefully with her boyfriend, having fun. Now all she does is type crazy stuff on Loveshack. She is not happy anymore. She was happy when she didn't know about all this sex addiction crap

 

3. Is she doomed to a life of self torture?

 

Yes, obviously. She is acting like a nutjob answering her own threads. She would be much better off without all this free time.

 

4. If he never confesses, should someone else tell her?

 

Absolutely not. People need to mind their own business. Just because her boyfriend is having secret unprotected sex with prostitutes and MOW's from Ashley Madison does not mean she needs to know about it. Ignorance is bliss. She is in a happy relationship. People need to leave that alone.

 

5. What if she was pregnant?

 

Definitely dont tell her then! Let the guy keep poking his stick into any disease infested hole while her pregnancy comes to term, and she is still having unprotected sex with him as well. She will be much much happier living in the web of lies and false reality he has created for her. Don't tell, never tell, let him keep cheating....... BTT will be much happier NOT knowing. Stay out of it.

 

-----------------------

 

Was that an accurate application of the "don't tell" philosophy to my situation? I could be way off...... I dont know, these are just guesses

 

Thoughts?

 

By the way, this ^^^ cracked me up.

[SoleMate]

I don't have a hard line position either way on telling or not telling. It strikes me that there are so many different individual situations, that unless one knows and is very close to the BS, it can be hard to sure that telling him/her is the overall right thing.

 

I've never exposed anyone's cheating to anyone, but I have tried to be helpful by informing acquaintances or near strangers about things I thought they would surely want to know. It usually ended badly and left me vowing, "Never again". Like the time at work I tried helpfully to inform a colleague that I had heard some very unjustified criticism of him from a manager. I was telling the colleague in a helpful spirit, thinking that once armed with this knowledge, he could protect himself and counteract the misinformation. Yes, I did expect gratitude and instead, all I got was an angry denial of the validity of the criticism and what appeared to be a lingering grudge directed against me.

 

More trivially, there once was a job candidate who was wearing a spiffy 3 piece suit with all the accessories and also had what appeared to be a blob of hair leftover from his fresh, short haircut stuck to his collar. I was so worried that he'd be embarrassed by this. I offered him a chance to brush it off quickly and throw it in the wastepaper basket. He looked confused and then when he moved, I saw that the hair was actually a small piece deliberately left long for stylistic reasons. I felt like an interfering moron.

 

So......It went badly for me in two situations where nobody had much at stake and I had little personal investment. The only way I'd risk telling about the much bigger issue of betrayal, would be if the BP was someone very close to me, that I felt a duty to and knew the probable reaction of.

[Betterthanthis13]

The most common 'reasons' I see are:

 

(1). It's not your place to tell. It's none of your business.

(2). Why would you blow up someone's world like that? You're sick and I hope karma comes back to bite you in the ass.

 

Those are the two main ones I tried to apply to my opposing argument, although I left out the karma bit, darn it....

[Betterthanthis13]

I don't have a hard line position either way on telling or not telling. It strikes me that there are so many different individual situations, that unless one knows and is very close to the BS, it can be hard to sure that telling him/her is the overall right thing.

 

I've never exposed anyone's cheating to anyone, but I have tried to be helpful by informing acquaintances or near strangers about things I thought they would surely want to know. It usually ended badly and left me vowing, "Never again". Like the time at work I tried helpfully to inform a colleague that I had heard some very unjustified criticism of him from a manager. I was telling the colleague in a helpful spirit, thinking that once armed with this knowledge, he could protect himself and counteract the misinformation. Yes, I did expect gratitude and instead, all I got was an angry denial of the validity of the criticism and what appeared to be a lingering grudge directed against me.

 

More trivially, there once was a job candidate who was wearing a spiffy 3 piece suit with all the accessories and also had what appeared to be a blob of hair leftover from his fresh, short haircut stuck to his collar. I was so worried that he'd be embarrassed by this. I offered him a chance to brush it off quickly and throw it in the wastepaper basket. He looked confused and then when he moved, I saw that the hair was actually a small piece deliberately left long for stylistic reasons. I felt like an interfering moron.

 

So......It went badly for me in two situations where nobody had much at stake and I had little personal investment. The only way I'd risk telling about the much bigger issue of betrayal, would be if the BP was someone very close to me, that I felt a duty to and knew the probable reaction of.

 

Like a mullet? An 80's rat tail? Gross! Lol

 

I guess that's why the expression "Don't shoot the messenger" exists... Misplaced anger. I hope you snuck up behind his cubicle with a pair of scissors at a later date and snipped the "stylish" bit off or dipped it in Krazy glue and then pink glitter

 

no no, just kidding... only in your head...

[Trimmer]

More trivially, there once was a job candidate who was wearing a spiffy 3 piece suit with all the accessories and also had what appeared to be a blob of hair leftover from his fresh, short haircut stuck to his collar. I was so worried that he'd be embarrassed by this. I offered him a chance to brush it off quickly and throw it in the wastepaper basket. He looked confused and then when he moved, I saw that the hair was actually a small piece deliberately left long for stylistic reasons. I felt like an interfering moron.

Hmmm, have you ever said "Oh, how wonderful, and when are you due?" to a woman, and had her reply angrily, "I'm not pregnant!"

[AutumnMoon]

Maybe my situation is just an anomaly. I'd still love to hear advice on my personal situation by the advocates of NOT telling.

 

If you, posters of LS, (in general) advocate not telling a BS, what would you have advised my xbf to do? Tell me or not tell me?

 

I'm sensing tumble weeds rolling up through this thread...

 

I think it's better not to tell.. Especially if you are leaving anyway and there isn't a way they would find out. But I'm a wayward spouse.. I just think its causing unnecessary pain, as long as there not at risk for disease. End it, and take it to the grave.

Edited September 11, 2013 by AutumnMoon
Typo

[Betterthanthis13]

I think it's better not to tell.. Especially if you are leaving anyway and there isn't a way they would find out. But I'm a wayward spouse.. I just think its causing unnecessary pain, as long as there not at risk for disease. End it, and take it to the grave.

 

He stopped cheating on me and had not cheated for a year. He wanted to get married and have kids. All he did in June was text some girl, nothing sexual or inappropriate. I could have overlooked it. If I had, I would probably be getting engaged to him sometime this fall instead of being broken up.

[road]

He stopped cheating on me and had not cheated for a year. He wanted to get married and have kids. All he did in June was text some girl, nothing sexual or inappropriate. I could have overlooked it. If I had, I would probably be getting engaged to him sometime this fall instead of being broken up.

 

 

No reason to be just texting a girl.

 

Adults do not need opposite sex friends. That is the spouse's job to provide all of the opposite sex relationship duties.

 

You are better off now.

[BetrayedH]

I think it's better not to tell.. Especially if you are leaving anyway and there isn't a way they would find out. But I'm a wayward spouse.. I just think its causing unnecessary pain, as long as there not at risk for disease. End it, and take it to the grave.

 

Interesting. So what about the pain of the unexplained divorce? Would you have them blame themselves, pining away for you, avoiding other relationships because they felt unworthy, to the grave? The truth might set them free from that. The weeks where my wife said she wanted to separate but I didn't yet know of the affair were the most cruel and still the hardest to forgive. I lost 25 pounds, and made desperate attempts to fix anything I could have done wrong over the past 18 years. I took ALL of the responsibility for the failed marriage on my own shoulders, lamenting what I should have done to prevent her from being so unhappy that she would be leaving me. In the meantime, she was saying how she was also "trying" when in reality she was going to hotels with him.

 

Perhaps you would say that our marital problems were what was breaking us up anyway. Interestingly enough, while I tortured myself for nearly a month while she got her "space," I really started to realize that the few marital problems we had most certainly didn't add up to a decision to divorce. The short story is that our lack of marital problems is what made me think there must be something else I was missing. It's what prompted me to investigate. When I discovered her affair, I actually felt relief. I instantly knew that the problem was her, not me. It was a freeing moment, realizing the truth.

 

But that would have been denied me, following your logic. You'd have ridden off into the sunset while leaving me in the dust, clueless and discarded. Let's not pretend that that's the best you could do. It's a copout. The best you could do is to have the cajones to tell the truth. But sadly, courage is the one trait that's most certainly missing in waywards.

[Betterthanthis13]

Interesting. So what about the pain of the unexplained divorce? Would you have them blame themselves, pining away for you, avoiding other relationships because they felt unworthy, to the grave? The truth might set them free from that. The weeks where my wife said she wanted to separate but I didn't yet know of the affair were the most cruel and still the hardest to forgive. I lost 25 pounds, and made desperate attempts to fix anything I could have done wrong over the past 18 years. I took ALL of the responsibility for the failed marriage on my own shoulders, lamenting what I should have done to prevent her from being so unhappy that she would be leaving me. In the meantime, she was saying how she was also "trying" when in reality she was going to hotels with him.

 

Perhaps you would say that our marital problems were what was breaking us up anyway. Interestingly enough, while I tortured myself for nearly a month while she got her "space," I really started to realize that the few marital problems we had most certainly didn't add up to a decision to divorce. The short story is that our lack of marital problems is what made me think there must be something else I was missing. It's what prompted me to investigate. When I discovered her affair, I actually felt relief. I instantly knew that the problem was her, not me. It was a freeing moment, realizing the truth.

 

But that would have been denied me, following your logic. You'd have ridden off into the sunset while leaving me in the dust, clueless and discarded. Let's not pretend that that's the best you could do. It's a copout. The best you could do is to have the cajones to tell the truth. But sadly, courage is the one trait that's most certainly missing in waywards.

 

What's with all this logical sense you are posting in my thread? I've already gotten 998 views and not one single direct reply attempting to answer my questions about how I'd personally be better off if I had never been informed about xbf's serial cheating. Except my own fake reply. Where did everybody go? Maybe my questions were too confusing? I thought there were a whole bunch of people here that believe BS's are better off not knowing so they can be happy?

[road]

What's with all this logical sense you are posting in my thread? I've already gotten 998 views and not one single direct reply attempting to answer my questions about how I'd personally be better off if I had never been informed about xbf's serial cheating. Except my own fake reply. Where did everybody go? Maybe my questions were too confusing? I thought there were a whole bunch of people here that believe BS's are better off not knowing so they can be happy?

 

 

A direct answer.

 

You would of never been better off left in the dark.

[Babolat]

What's with all this logical sense you are posting in my thread? I've already gotten 998 views and not one single direct reply attempting to answer my questions about how I'd personally be better off if I had never been informed about xbf's serial cheating. Except my own fake reply. Where did everybody go? Maybe my questions were too confusing? I thought there were a whole bunch of people here that believe BS's are better off not knowing so they can be happy?

 

Back to my post, if my ex wife cheated, I don't want to know and I think I would have been worse off if it DID happen and I knew. I have trust issues now just wondering if it happened.

[ChooseTruth]

Lol. Yes, I plan to go back to the messes I am familiar with and can tolerate. Qualities my other ex's had like no fashion sense, disorganized, nerdy, forgetful, gets lost in their work.... No problemo

 

Serial cheating.... Errr I'm all set

Sweet! I meet all but 1 of these mess qualifications!

 

 

As to the actual topic...sigh. Yeah my name choice relates to this topic...so you know where I stand

 

A lot has been said already that I agree with, especially BH's last post. I sure am glad that I know what really happened...even if it creates trust issues in me. I don't want to be naive. I'd rather tackle the trust issues and overcome them. Grow from it. Now I know better and how to handle it with more confidence and precision. Not near as much puzzling over "what if I?"

 

Then of course there's the whole STD thing...

 

Oh and BTT you are TERRIBLE at presenting the other side haha. I loved it though. For the record, the other side is often terrible at presenting their own side...so not comparatively not bad! I probably couldn't have done any better (than this....that).

 

Back on track...I had a big argument with [mystery person] a while ago on someone else's thread. I'm such a T/Jer =\. We left off arguing my analogy of someone's house being on fire (you were on that thread actually) and that they should be warned. You shouldn't let them sleep so as not to disturb their peaceful slumber. He said it was a terrible analogy because noone is in danger from an affair. Then I showed an article where someone died from HIV...then it said ITS RARE DOESN'T COUNT. And I said it doesn't even matter if physical danger is rare, it still does damage. For instance, illegitimate children. He then proceeded to say that illegitimate children, no harm done. Then I turned on my virtual ignore button.

 

Now I answer on this thread...(sneaky? with [mystery person] not here?...well he could show up. Great I guess ^^)

 

Can you imagine finding out your Dad is not your Dad? Or having to pay child support to a woman because your H slept around (or having H coparent with another woman)? Or having to bear the resentment and expense of raising someone else's child? Or finding out your own child is not yours years later? Or having to pay child support after a divorce because you signed a birth certificate and then found out it wasn't yours?

 

No harm done? Aug!!

 

I read about Ted Bundy recently (prompted by something BTT said actually) and did you know he was angry because he was led to believe his grandparents were his parents and that his Mom was his sister? His Dad was long gone. Extreme case...but definitely harm done there. wow.

 

My thought is that affairs are DANGEROUS! My wife got pregnant and miscarried. Miscarried, bloody death, tears, agonizing soul wrenching pain I saw her go through. She was more distanced from me when I couldn't grieve the same way since I wasn't sure of my own parenthood...even though I held her in my arms as she screamed in spiritual agony from feeling a literal life die within her. I will forever wonder if it was the stress of her A that caused that baby to die. No harm done? That could have been my child, I wanted one. But not like that.

 

If I remarry and found out friends or family kept my new wife's affair from me...:mad:

 

When I exposed the affair to her dojo I had one guy tell me the worst tragedy of all was the tone of my letter. Really? The message of truth was worse than two families being put at risk of being torn apart? Than a baby dying? He complained that he was going to be uncomfortable around my ex and her AP now. GREAT!!!!!!! Affairs thrive in secrecy, and at least that will give the OMM and his BW a better chance of surviving this mess. For me, I'm glad I'm dumping WW and don't have to worry about people like YOU and your crowd ever again. Exposing the A told me something I never expected to find out. It's that there are a whole slew of people my ex associated with that I never want to see again for the duration of my life. And now I don't have to. I just wish my daughter didn't have to either. I've heard her innocently say this man's name a few times and it sickens me.

 

Wow that's a rant. But it's relevant... and cathartic

 

 

Also truth is so powerful when told. Have you guys seen Office Space? Where the main character gets hypnotized and then tells his boss' the ultimate truth? He gets promoted! LOL I lived that! When my life went to ****, I told my boss he should fire me. I told my manager's manager he should fire me. They....promoted me! Unbelievable. I lost that promotion...probably because I didn't deserve it or want it, but it goes to show...

Edited September 12, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[whatatangledweb]

What's with all this logical sense you are posting in my thread? I've already gotten 998 views and not one single direct reply attempting to answer my questions about how I'd personally be better off if I had never been informed about xbf's serial cheating. Except my own fake reply. Where did everybody go? Maybe my questions were too confusing? I thought there were a whole bunch of people here that believe BS's are better off not knowing so they can be happy?

 

I was always in the camp of not telling before my husband's affair. When I did find out I wanted to be able to go back and change it so I didn't know. Everyone go easy here. I am not implying that others are like me. This is just another side for the OP to see.

 

I know how awful my life was before I met my husband. He was the first person who ever made me feel safe. I was abused as a child and then by my first husband.

 

For the backstory up unto I found out.We had a good marriage, spent all our time off together. We held hands everywhere we went , even in the car. Sex 4 to 5 days a week and we had been together 22 years then.

 

My husband then got an injury. It took a few months to get better but it would cause him pain now and then. He then needed a minor surgery. He then had a midlife crisis. Yes, this is a cop out but it does happen. I had one also but I didn't need to cheat to get over it. So...he wanted to see if he could pick up someone at a bar like he could in college. He did..a co worker. It would have ended in less than two months. He only did this while he traveled which is why nothing changed about our time together. She began blackmailing him. Yes, I know many people claim this. But I have all the emails between them and I saw it for myself. This continued for a year and a half.

 

I found out due to him not clearing the browser. I was shocked, heartbroken. There were no warning signs. No reason for him to cheat. I read every damn marriage book throughout the years and made sure I kept our marriage fresh, loving, connected, and safe. I kept in shape. Made him the most important person in my life. I just kept saying why? What did I do wrong?..He apologizing saying nothing, it was all him. I did everything perfect...This makes his betrayal so much worse for me. What was I going to fix to protect myself?? Remember this was all in the beginning.

 

So..how did me finding out help me?

 

I knew that he lied, cheated on me.

I finally knew that I would never have someone in this lifetime who would protect, cherish me, and keep me emotionally safe.

I knew he could and would lie to me while looking me straight in the face.

I now knew I could never trust anyone.

I knew that no matter how special I tried to make him feel it wouldn't matter if he decided to cheat again.

I knew he had made a fool of me.

I knew I was embarrassed and ashamed of being cheated on.

I knew my life felt like a lie.

I knew my life would never be the same again.

I knew that he did not value me the way I valued him.

 

How did it change me?

I became someone I didn't know. I cried all day everyday for months. I rarely cried before this. I finally became angry and my rages scared the hell out of me.I withdrawn from friends and coworkers. I became a champion PI. I can find anything now. Learned all the ways to spy on him...not something I wanted to do.

 

Good points...

The affair ended as soon as I found out. I don't consider finding out that the man I loved more that life betrayed me a good point.

 

Am I glad I know? Sometimes..sometimes not.

 

Things are good now but the road to get here was hard and painful.

[Betterthanthis13]

I was always in the camp of not telling before my husband's affair. When I did find out I wanted to be able to go back and change it so I didn't know. Everyone go easy here. I am not implying that others are like me. This is just another side for the OP to see.

 

truly, I appreciate you even stabbing at this thread with a real answer

 

I know how awful my life was before I met my husband. He was the first person who ever made me feel safe. I was abused as a child and then by my first husband.

I cant even begin to tell you how sorry I am you ever had any of this in your life. There are much worse things that human beings do to each other on this planet than infidelity, and I often feel petulant and whiny about my problems when I know for a fact that no matter how bad I feel, I still have it pretty good

For the backstory up unto I found out.We had a good marriage, spent all our time off together. We held hands everywhere we went , even in the car. Sex 4 to 5 days a week and we had been together 22 years then.

 

My husband then got an injury. It took a few months to get better but it would cause him pain now and then. He then needed a minor surgery. He then had a midlife crisis. Yes, this is a cop out but it does happen. I had one also but I didn't need to cheat to get over it. So...he wanted to see if he could pick up someone at a bar like he could in college. He did..a co worker. It would have ended in less than two months. He only did this while he traveled which is why nothing changed about our time together. She began blackmailing him. Yes, I know many people claim this. But I have all the emails between them and I saw it for myself. This continued for a year and a half.

 

I found out due to him not clearing the browser. I was shocked, heartbroken. There were no warning signs. No reason for him to cheat. I read every damn marriage book throughout the years and made sure I kept our marriage fresh, loving, connected, and safe. I kept in shape. Made him the most important person in my life. I just kept saying why? What did I do wrong?..He apologizing saying nothing, it was all him. I did everything perfect...This makes his betrayal so much worse for me. What was I going to fix to protect myself?? Remember this was all in the beginning.

 

So..how did me finding out help me?

 

I knew that he lied, cheated on me.

I finally knew that I would never have someone in this lifetime who would protect, cherish me, and keep me emotionally safe.

I knew he could and would lie to me while looking me straight in the face.

I now knew I could never trust anyone.

I knew that no matter how special I tried to make him feel it wouldn't matter if he decided to cheat again.

I knew he had made a fool of me.

I knew I was embarrassed and ashamed of being cheated on.

I knew my life felt like a lie.

I knew my life would never be the same again.

I knew that he did not value me the way I valued him.

 

How did it change me?

I became someone I didn't know. I cried all day everyday for months. I rarely cried before this. I finally became angry and my rages scared the hell out of me.I withdrawn from friends and coworkers. I became a champion PI. I can find anything now. Learned all the ways to spy on him...not something I wanted to do.

 

Good points...

The affair ended as soon as I found out. I don't consider finding out that the man I loved more that life betrayed me a good point.

 

Am I glad I know? Sometimes..sometimes not.

 

Things are good now but the road to get here was hard and painful

 

your circumstances are SO different than mine... It's hard for me to even comment because I have never been in your position and hearing about it does give me a reason to sit my ass down and think some more. I really appreciate you taking the time to see through my antics and give a thoughtful response. .

 

I have to type something under the quote thing

[Betterthanthis13]

Sweet! I meet all but 1 of these mess qualifications!

ok.. which one? I already have a virtual loveshack crush on you, don't leave me hanging, dude

 

As to the actual topic...sigh. Yeah my name choice relates to this topic...so you know where I stand

 

A lot has been said already that I agree with, especially BH's last post. I sure am glad that I know what really happened...even if it creates trust issues in me. I don't want to be naive. I'd rather tackle the trust issues and overcome them. Grow from it. Now I know better and how to handle it with more confidence and precision. Not near as much puzzling over "what if I?"

 

It's a double edged sword I think... My first preference would have been to not have to deal with any of these issues in the first place (obviously...) It sucks ass to face the reality that my own choices led me into the very situation that bit me in the ass. My choices are all I have control over. I'm glad I knew what happened. I do wish it never happened because seriously, what the f???

 

Then of course there's the whole STD thing...

 

yeah that too

 

Oh and BTT you are TERRIBLE at presenting the other side haha. I loved it though. For the record, the other side is often terrible at presenting their own side...so not comparatively not bad! I probably couldn't have done any better (than this....that).

 

hahahha

 

Back on track...I had a big argument with [mystery person] a while ago on someone else's thread. I'm such a T/Jer =\. We left off arguing my analogy of someone's house being on fire (you were on that thread actually) and that they should be warned. You shouldn't let them sleep so as not to disturb their peaceful slumber. He said it was a terrible analogy because noone is in danger from an affair. Then I showed an article where someone died from HIV...then it said ITS RARE DOESN'T COUNT. And I said it doesn't even matter if physical danger is rare, it still does damage. For instance, illegitimate children. He then proceeded to say that illegitimate children, no harm done. Then I turned on my virtual ignore button.

 

Now I answer on this thread...(sneaky? with [mystery person] not here?...well he could show up. Great I guess ^^)

 

I remember that! I never got a satisfactory answer in that particular thread either. And the mystery poster is on vacation from this thread. Or probably thinks I'm stupid or something. Whatever.

 

Can you imagine finding out your Dad is not your Dad? Or having to pay child support to a woman because your H slept around (or having H coparent with another woman)? Or having to bear the resentment and expense of raising someone else's child? Or finding out your own child is not yours years later? Or having to pay child support after a divorce because you signed a birth certificate and then found out it wasn't yours?

 

No harm done? Aug!!

 

I read about Ted Bundy recently (prompted by something BTT said actually) and did you know he was angry because he was led to believe his grandparents were his parents and that his Mom was his sister? His Dad was long gone. Extreme case...but definitely harm done there. wow.

 

Read the thing about Ted Bundy's "black hole" brain. Just google, you will find it

 

My thought is that affairs are DANGEROUS! My wife got pregnant and miscarried. Miscarried, bloody death, tears, agonizing soul wrenching pain I saw her go through. She was more distanced from me when I couldn't grieve the same way since I wasn't sure of my own parenthood...even though I held her in my arms as she screamed in spiritual agony from feeling a literal life die within her. I will forever wonder if it was the stress of her A that caused that baby to die. No harm done? That could have been my child, I wanted one. But not like that.

That is unimaginable pain

 

I can't even type words, there aren't any. It doesn't matter how many times you have told that story it never gets easier. All I can say is I'm sorry which is ridiculous and doesn't even... I don't even know. I am so, so sorry that is part of your reality

If I remarry and found out friends or family kept my new wife's affair from me...:mad:

 

When I exposed the affair to her dojo I had one guy tell me the worst tragedy of all was the tone of my letter. Really? The message of truth was worse than two families being put at risk of being torn apart? Than a baby dying? He complained that he was going to be uncomfortable around my ex and her AP now. GREAT!!!!!!!

get the f*ck out of here. I can't deal with this **** are you serious????????????????????? Affairs thrive in secrecy, and at least that will give the OMM and his BW a better chance of surviving this mess. For me, I'm glad I'm dumping WW and don't have to worry about people like YOU and your crowd ever again. Exposing the A told me something I never expected to find out. It's that there are a whole slew of people my ex associated with that I never want to see again for the duration of my life. And now I don't have to. I just wish my daughter didn't have to either. I've heard her innocently say this man's name a few times and it sickens me.

Your daughter will be fine as long as you are. Don't worry about them, teach her to think for herself.

Wow that's a rant. But it's relevant... and cathartic

 

 

Also truth is so powerful when told. Have you guys seen Office Space? Where the main character gets hypnotized and then tells his boss' the ultimate truth? He gets promoted! LOL I lived that! When my life went to ****, I told my boss he should fire me. I told my manager's manager he should fire me. They....promoted me! Unbelievable. I lost that promotion...probably because I didn't deserve it or want it, but it goes to show...[/qwaQUOTE]

 

Jump to conclusions mat. Needed 10 char

[whatatangledweb]

You're welcome. Everyone deserves to know . It's just when I see "tell her/him" that my stomach drops because I know the pain they are going to go through when they find out. And it kills me that people have to suffer due to other's selfish choices.

[ChooseTruth]

I'm nonbold...textually speaking that is

ok.. which one? I already have a virtual loveshack crush on you, don't leave me hanging, dude

 

I don't consider myself disorganized. The crush is the best news I've heard all day! I think you just became an OW. Time to switch forums.

 

It's a double edged sword I think... My first preference would have been to not have to deal with any of these issues in the first place (obviously...) It sucks ass to face the reality that my own choices led me into the very situation that bit me in the ass. My choices are all I have control over. I'm glad I knew what happened. I do wish it never happened because seriously, what the f???

 

Definitely a double edged sword. What I really wish is that some chick had cheated on my in high school or college. Maybe I would have learned my lesson in an easier way...instead of this way. There's a poster here named NoFool4U who had that experience. I envy him. He's one of the most hard ass BSs on this site I think. He's NoFool4U or anyone else that's 4 sure.

 

yeah that too

 

hahahha

 

I remember that! I never got a satisfactory answer in that particular thread either. And the mystery poster is on vacation from this thread. Or probably thinks I'm stupid or something. Whatever.

 

 

Read the thing about Ted Bundy's "black hole" brain. Just google, you will find it

 

Yuck, I read some...but stopped. I don't want nightmares!

 

That is unimaginable pain

I can't even type words, there aren't any. It doesn't matter how many times you have told that story it never gets easier. All I can say is I'm sorry which is ridiculous and doesn't even... I don't even know. I am so, so sorry that is part of your reality

 

Thanks, there's not much more to say really.

The miscarriage was horrible, but the pain I was describing was mostly my WW's hell. I had been with her for 17 years at that point, and I had never seen her that hysterical with grief before.

As far as my pain, everyone here has been through awful stuff I think. I never could grieve over the child very well. It's sad to say but as she was crying I felt relief, and I did my best to hide it...but I think she knew. She said, "I don't want you to be glad". I wasn't glad and said so..but.. still. It was surreal. I had given up on a second child some time before that. I had only known about the affair and pregnancy for a week, I was in major denial. Nothing had really had time to sink in yet. I hadn't even had a major breakdown from the affair at that point. Those floods opened a couple days after that.

 

get the f*ck out of here. I can't deal with this **** are you serious?????????????????????

 

The email he sent still burns me up every time I think about it. Twisted values.

 

Your daughter will be fine as long as you are. Don't worry about them, teach her to think for herself.

 

Thanks. I'm definitely doing my best

 

Jump to conclusions mat. Needed 10 char <----recycling this