Well, I know. Now what?

[Betterthanthis13]

This is a spinoff from a different thread that got chopped up and moved around, but this quote was still available to copy and paste so I hope I am not breaking any LS policies by continuing the discussion here.

 

 

Quote:

They surely 'want' to know... who wouldn't? But then they end up torturing themselves with it for the rest of their lives.

 

My question:

 

I do not want to be bitter and torture myself for the rest of my life with feeling angry and humiliated from being the recipient of atrocious lies and serial cheating.

I am trying to move on with my life, use LS, therapy, books, etc to get over it. I am going to take some time to myself and then probably start dating again. I have no interest in torturing myself with bitterness. It's not really fun. So this question is specifically for the people who advocate not telling a BS about infidelity.

 

What advice would you give me? Would I have been better off not knowing about xbfs serial cheating? The escorts, the ONS, the massage parlors, the ashley madison hookups? Getting married to him and having kids with him?

 

Now that I do know, am I better off for knowing or am I doomed to a life of self torture as was suggested by another poster?

 

Discuss.

[Speakingofwhich]

Betterthanthis, when my XH told me he was leaving the first thing I asked him was, "Is there someone else?" He told me there wasn't and I believed him. I found out several years later that there was indeed an OW involved in our marriage at the end of it. His second W (2nd W was not OW) told me this after he left her!

 

I was really glad I hadn't known about OW when he was leaving me and during the divorce. I don't think I could have stood the pain. I was already devastated that he was leaving me. By the time I discovered he'd had OW in our marriage, years after our divorce, it really didn't hurt. And hasn't really bothered me since.

 

If there's going to be a divorce, I just can't understand why someone would want to be tortured with images of the one they love, who is leaving, making love to another person when they're already feeling the pain of rejection.

 

However, it would help with getting a better financial settlement I guess.

[Betterthanthis13]

Betterthanthis, when my XH told me he was leaving the first thing I asked him was, "Is there someone else?" He told me there wasn't and I believed him. I found out several years later that there was indeed an OW involved in our marriage at the end of it. His second W (2nd W was not OW) told me this after he left her!

 

I was really glad I hadn't known about OW when he was leaving me and during the divorce. I don't think I could have stood the pain. I was already devastated that he was leaving me. By the time I discovered he'd had OW in our marriage, years after our divorce, it really didn't hurt. And hasn't really bothered me since.

 

If there's going to be a divorce, I just can't understand why someone would want to be tortured with images of the one they love, who is leaving, making love to another person when they're already feeling the pain of rejection.

 

However, it would help with getting a better financial settlement I guess.

 

Ok- in that case, it definitely makes sense NOT to tell. That seem like it was the humane choice. To tell would be unnecessary roughness- you were already getting out of the situation.

[Betterthanthis13]

Ok- in that case, it definitely makes sense NOT to tell. That seem like it was the humane choice. To tell would be unnecessary roughness- you were already getting out of the situation.

 

I am surprised I just said that. Hmm...

[Speakingofwhich]

I am surprised I just said that. Hmm...

 

It's interesting how perspective, and listening to the experiences of others, can change our opinions and the comments we make as a result of them.

[BetrayedH]

This is a spinoff from a different thread that got chopped up and moved around, but this quote was still available to copy and paste so I hope I am not breaking any LS policies by continuing the discussion here.

 

 

Quote:

They surely 'want' to know... who wouldn't? But then they end up torturing themselves with it for the rest of their lives.

 

My question:

 

I do not want to be bitter and torture myself for the rest of my life with feeling angry and humiliated from being the recipient of atrocious lies and serial cheating.

I am trying to move on with my life, use LS, therapy, books, etc to get over it. I am going to take some time to myself and then probably start dating again. I have no interest in torturing myself with bitterness. It's not really fun. So this question is specifically for the people who advocate not telling a BS about infidelity.

 

What advice would you give me? Would I have been better off not knowing about xbfs serial cheating? The escorts, the ONS, the massage parlors, the ashley madison hookups? Getting married to him and having kids with him?

 

Now that I do know, am I better off for knowing or am I doomed to a life of self torture as was suggested by another poster?

 

Discuss.

 

I've many times read threads citing the reasons to expose to a BS. In a previous thread, I asked if there were any decent reasons not to tell a BS.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/378994-reasons-not-tell

 

Might be worth a read.

[Betterthanthis13]

I've many times read threads citing the reasons to expose to a BS. In a previous thread, I asked if there were any decent reasons not to tell a BS.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/378994-reasons-not-tell

 

Might be worth a read.

 

I'm up to page 6 so far... Some funny stuff in this one LOL

[Spark1111]

Well, IF denial is bliss, and it most certainly is, who in their right minds would want to know?

 

No one who wants to move on EASILY from rejection and a broken heart. That's a no brainier.

 

Who doesn't want emotional easy? we all do.

 

But is the hard that makes it ( and us) great. We only grow, become stronger and forge ourselves in iron when we know, then embrace, then enact change when we know the truth.

 

Easy is easy. Hard forces us to change for the better.

 

our choice.

[Betterthanthis13]

I've many times read threads citing the reasons to expose to a BS. In a previous thread, I asked if there were any decent reasons not to tell a BS.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/378994-reasons-not-tell

 

Might be worth a read.

 

Well, that read was interesting. I am trying to see all sides. I think I can concede that perhaps there are some situations where it worked out "better" for a BS not to know... 1 in a million.

 

I still feel very strongly that for any healthy person, (or person desiring to be healthy), having the truth is a vital necessity.

 

In the example above where they were getting divorced anyway-- it was sort of a moot point. The divorce was already in progress. But what if the BS had been informed earlier? Maybe BS wouldn't have had to wait around to be left by the cheater, who they didn't even know was cheating in the first place... But, they weren't given the option to make their own decisions. So after review, nope, I can not agree that there is ever a valid reason to not tell a BS about infidelity.

[Betterthanthis13]

Maybe my situation is just an anomaly. I'd still love to hear advice on my personal situation by the advocates of NOT telling.

 

If you, posters of LS, (in general) advocate not telling a BS, what would you have advised my xbf to do? Tell me or not tell me?

 

I'm sensing tumble weeds rolling up through this thread...

[BetrayedH]

So after review, nope, I can not agree that there is ever a valid reason to not tell a BS about infidelity.

 

Interesting conclusion (although you might meet the definition of someone who "waffles").

 

When it comes to a pending divorce, you also have to consider how much time the BS might waste thinking they were at fault (perhaps never having the truth about an affair).

[Betterthanthis13]

Interesting conclusion (although you might meet the definition of someone who "waffles").

 

When it comes to a pending divorce, you also have to consider how much time the BS might waste thinking they were at fault (perhaps never having the truth about an affair).

 

I'm definitely waffling. In fact, it's almost Sunday morning, and waffles with maple syrup sound delicious.

 

All kidding aside, I am trying very hard to understand the opposing POV, and I can see the roads of thought one must go down to reach the conclusion that not telling is beneficial. The roads appear tempting from time to time, but ultimately are all dead ends....

[threelaurels]

I would advocate not telling in situations where the BS is very ill and on their deathbed. Many WS begin to look outside the marriage once their spouse falls ill for a number of reasons. They may not be getting their own their needs met because their spouse is simply unable to fulfill them. They may come to resent their spouse because they have to sacrifice so much time and energy caring for them while receiving little in return. They may even fear being alone and are simply looking for something to fall back on when their spouse passes.

 

In this situation, I think the 'ignorance is bliss' approach is reasonable. Telling the BS would only cause unnecessary pain and make the little time they have left miserable. The WS should have to live with the guilt of knowing that there will never be forgiveness while they are alive. It's the least they can do.

 

Additionally, there are certain situations where I would advocate waiting a period of time to tell the BS. For example, the late stages of a (female) BS's pregnancy. In these cases, abortion is no longer an option, and telling the BS will only interfere with the pregnancy and cause potential complications for the mother and child. In the earlier stages of pregnancy, the BS should absolutely be told. She would then have the option of having an abortion if she does not want to have a child with the person who betrayed her.

[Trimmer]

I know the OP wanted to hear from advocates of NOT telling, but...

Interesting conclusion (although you might meet the definition of someone who "waffles").

 

When it comes to a pending divorce, you also have to consider how much time the BS might waste thinking they were at fault (perhaps never having the truth about an affair).

I agree with this last part. Yes, if the BS knows the truth, it is painful, but they know the truth and can recover based on an honest view of the world.

 

If the BS doesn't know the truth, then what conclusion is there other than: I did something terribly wrong that destroyed this marriage, and that's why my spouse left me. You think that bearing the burden of a failed marriage is really much less painful, and any less damaging to one's psyche?

 

And incidentally, a leaving spouse who is hiding an affair can say the old, vague, "It's about me, not about you" over and over again, but without more clear guidance, most BS's can sense that's not the whole story, and thus still think they failed.

[Zenstudent]

I read both threads now, and I think it's quite telling that those who defend reasons for the BS to not know are the same persons who make up valid justifications for cheating.

 

I find it funny that the initial betrayal is often justified with "I deserve better" while the second betrayal (not telling) is justified with "BS deserves better".

 

Isn't it just an extension of the logic one uses to justify cheating? "I know it's in general wrong to cheat, but I'll do it any way because x,y,z, which is good for ME, so I'll make up justifications" followed by "Since I know I've done wrong, there will be consequences if my loyal spouse finds out, and I don't like negative consequences of MY actions, so I'll make up justifications".

[Steadfast]

It may be an over-simplification, but to me there's a world of difference between telling and exposing.

 

No loving person would enjoy passing on bad news. Yet, even knowing what you're about to say is going to hurt them, people really should know the circumstances of their own lives. Especially if they're being deceived.

 

Exposure is (seemingly) justified to blow up affairs and punish the participants. Many feel it's a useful method to save the marriage by forcing the betrayer back into the marriage with shock and awe. In my opinion, to expose or not expose is the choice of the betrayed. As a tool used for destroying affairs it is brutally effective. Not so much for saving marriages, IMO, because the action alone probably isn't touching the root cause.

 

Talking to cheaters is a waste of breath. You'll have better luck talking a faithful person into it than a cheater out of it. Everyone knows it's wrong. What's more pathetic than stating the obvious? The key is desire.

[carhill]

What advice would you give me? Would I have been better off not knowing about xbfs serial cheating?

 

I don't know the entirety of your story but I can share what worked great for my exW. As soon as I completed the purchase and rehab of the house she got in the divorce, she moved the guy in that she was dating during our divorce and they've been living together, apparently quite happily, for a couple years now. Essentially, once I disclosed my EA to her, she 'moved on' and it worked out real well. Living well is the best revenge and, while I have zero love for my exW, I admire her for how effectively she moved on. My best friend recently opined that she's about 'self-preservation' and perhaps you can take away something from that observation. I agreed with it.

 

I'll never know for sure if the guy she's living with was in her life before my EA. I do know that I've pondered it and put together circumstantial evidence of it and feel no strong emotions when doing so, so IMO being told or not has little relevance to my current, or past, feelings on the matter. I think the key is indifference. MC helped with that, processing the essential hurt of the unhealthy parts of the M to a neutral place, where acceptance of those parts, and any other parts revealed or unrevealed, are accepted as real and finished. The relationship died, the autopsy was performed, the body buried and we move on.

 

I don't know if this speaks to you, but offer it as one path. If you find yourself getting 'stuck', I heartily suggest spending some time with a skilled counselor. It worked great for me. Unknown how it impacted my exW. Good luck.

[Betterthanthis13]

I would advocate not telling in situations where the BS is very ill and on their deathbed. Many WS begin to look outside the marriage once their spouse falls ill for a number of reasons. They may not be getting their own their needs met because their spouse is simply unable to fulfill them. They may come to resent their spouse because they have to sacrifice so much time and energy caring for them while receiving little in return. They may even fear being alone and are simply looking for something to fall back on when their spouse passes.

 

In this situation, I think the 'ignorance is bliss' approach is reasonable. Telling the BS would only cause unnecessary pain and make the little time they have left miserable. The WS should have to live with the guilt of knowing that there will never be forgiveness while they are alive. It's the least they can do.

 

Additionally, there are certain situations where I would advocate waiting a period of time to tell the BS. For example, the late stages of a (female) BS's pregnancy. In these cases, abortion is no longer an option, and telling the BS will only interfere with the pregnancy and cause potential complications for the mother and child. In the earlier stages of pregnancy, the BS should absolutely be told. She would then have the option of having an abortion if she does not want to have a child with the person who betrayed her.

 

I appreciate your reply. All these reasons were discussed in BH's thread, and I can understand how someone would come to the conclusion that in certain extreme situations involving terminal illness, etc, they might be making a humane choice not to tell... Though I would add the caveat of it being situational, based on the BS's actual personality, and circumstances of the betrayal.

 

If it came to light that my best friend's husband was having an affair while she was dying on hospice with a month to live, would I encourage him to tell her? I don't know. It seems preposterous that he would do that in the first place, knowing both of them very well, but people sometimes behave in unpredictable ways under extreme stress.

 

But those deathbed cases are not really my concern at the moment.. Unless i get hit by a bus, its likely I will live at least another 50 or 60 years.

 

The pregnant woman example is a very touchy subject too, also got a lot of coverage in BH's thread. While I can understand the reasoning behind not wanting to tell a pregnant woman about the fact she is being betrayed, when I apply that logic to my own situation I'd still definitely want to know. I'm curious, would you have given my xbf the advice not to tell me about his serial cheating ways back in June, if I had been 7 moths pregnant?

 

In that case, right about now I'd be giving birth to a baby, thinking he was going to be a good partner.

 

In case you aren't familiar, my ex was very good at concealing his activities which included unprotected sex with prostitutes, one night stands with MOW's, and things like that. He was faithful for about a year but all evidence points to him getting ready to start back up with the serial cheating in June, when I forced a Dday.

 

I know this is a hard question, I'm not trying to argue or prove any point, I'm trying to discuss so I get a better understanding of how people who think differently from me think.

[dichotomy]

You need to know so you can avoid picking the same mess of a man you picked last time and how establish boundaries.

 

 

Then you can pick an entirely different mess of a man next time:lmao:.

[Betterthanthis13]

You need to know so you can avoid picking the same mess of a man you picked last time and how establish boundaries.

 

 

Then you can pick an entirely different mess of a man next time:lmao:.

 

Lol. Yes, I plan to go back to the messes I am familiar with and can tolerate. Qualities my other ex's had like no fashion sense, disorganized, nerdy, forgetful, gets lost in their work.... No problemo

 

Serial cheating.... Errr I'm all set

[BetrayedH]

Then you can pick an entirely different mess of a man next time:lmao:.

 

I got a laugh out of this, too. How true.

[solostand]

Yesterday I had this fantasy of just driving up BS's driveway, knocking on the door, and then telling her everything. EVERYTHING.

 

I don't know why I felt like this - certainly not revenge for my MM is very much in love with me at the moment. Maybe I'm just getting tired of it all.

 

And she is being betrayed in so many ways - emotional, sexual, and more - she has no idea that it is even happening let alone how serious it is - how ILY is being said daily and with feeling. . .

 

Anyway, I have read its not the OWs job to tell - so I guess I'll wait for someone else to tell. . .or for her to catch us.

[BetrayedH]

Yesterday I had this fantasy of just driving up BS's driveway, knocking on the door, and then telling her everything. EVERYTHING.

 

I don't know why I felt like this - certainly not revenge for my MM is very much in love with me at the moment. Maybe I'm just getting tired of it all.

 

And she is being betrayed in so many ways - emotional, sexual, and more - she has no idea that it is even happening let alone how serious it is - how ILY is being said daily and with feeling. . .

 

Anyway, I have read its not the OWs job to tell - so I guess I'll wait for someone else to tell. . .or for her to catch us.

 

It's not your job to do the right thing?

[Betterthanthis13]

Yesterday I had this fantasy of just driving up BS's driveway, knocking on the door, and then telling her everything. EVERYTHING.

 

I don't know why I felt like this - certainly not revenge for my MM is very much in love with me at the moment. Maybe I'm just getting tired of it all.

 

And she is being betrayed in so many ways - emotional, sexual, and more - she has no idea that it is even happening let alone how serious it is - how ILY is being said daily and with feeling. . .

 

Anyway, I have read its not the OWs job to tell - so I guess I'll wait for someone else to tell. . .or for her to catch us.

 

What are your MM's reasons for not telling her?

[Betterthanthis13]

I don't know the entirety of your story but I can share what worked great for my exW. As soon as I completed the purchase and rehab of the house she got in the divorce, she moved the guy in that she was dating during our divorce and they've been living together, apparently quite happily, for a couple years now. Essentially, once I disclosed my EA to her, she 'moved on' and it worked out real well. Living well is the best revenge and, while I have zero love for my exW, I admire her for how effectively she moved on. My best friend recently opined that she's about 'self-preservation' and perhaps you can take away something from that observation. I agreed with it.

 

I'll never know for sure if the guy she's living with was in her life before my EA. I do know that I've pondered it and put together circumstantial evidence of it and feel no strong emotions when doing so, so IMO being told or not has little relevance to my current, or past, feelings on the matter. I think the key is indifference. MC helped with that, processing the essential hurt of the unhealthy parts of the M to a neutral place, where acceptance of those parts, and any other parts revealed or unrevealed, are accepted as real and finished. The relationship died, the autopsy was performed, the body buried and we move on.

 

I don't know if this speaks to you, but offer it as one path. If you find yourself getting 'stuck', I heartily suggest spending some time with a skilled counselor. It worked great for me. Unknown how it impacted my exW. Good luck.

 

Self preservation, indifference, and living well are my current goals. Thank you for the succinct wording- I like it!

 

"burying the body" is proving somewhat difficult for me, which is probably a function of my battered ego. I think I'm still in autopsy mode.... The dead body is starting to stink though. Might be time to go ahead and cremate.

 

One mistake I made was switching therapists in the aftermath of Dday, I opted to start seeing one who specializes in treating the spouses of "sex addicts". I've since ditched her dumb ass and went back to the regular guy, who makes sense and actually helps me.