khaleesi Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I've been with my husband for five years, married for three. He left me last Friday completely out of the blue. No warning. No discussion. He waited until my son from my first marriage got picked up by his dad and dropped it on me. The way he did everything was so cold. He packed up a few things and admitted that he had been talking to another girl for two weeks, but said that he was doing this for me, because he knew there were better guys out there for me??? I was completely in shock and had no idea what to think or say. I cried and asked him to talk to me, but he said he was afraid that I would get violent??? I am not a violent person, but he cited one time more than two years ago that I had thrown a bottle of water on the floor during an argument. Since then we have had nearly no contact, except for a few days ago when he came to get the rest of his things. Come to find out the day he left me, he went to hang out with his friends and completely bad mouthed me. Then he went to see his family the next day, and did the same. The day he came to get his things, I am very proud of myself for being calm. I've already been divorced once, and honestly, I just want to get through this with some dignity if that makes sense. At first he was nontalkative, standoffish but I think seeing me not upset got to him. He said he was very confused and made a rash decision. Then he laid some big sob story on me about how awful it's been sleeping on his friend's couch, that he hasn't gotten any sleep, etc. We talked for a moment about some of the problems we had been having, none of which he had ever mentioned out loud to me before. He hinted around that he wanted to sleep here, but continue to think about what he wanted to do. When I didn't bite, he said he would be staying in a hotel this weekend so he had some quiet time to think. Personally I just believe he wants a chance to see if things with this other girl work out, and I'm not willing to sit here on standby until he makes up his mind. The thing is, when we first met he was very overweight, and in the last two years he has lost a ton of weight, which I was very proud of him for. I think he is starting to get attention from women, and that's that... except he keeps trying to push it off on me. I wasn't affectionate enough. I didn't take interest in the things he was interested in, and my favorite, I'm too smart for him and I'd rather be with someone that I could have 'intellectual' conversations with. I hate so much that he is trying to push the blame on me, although in the grand scheme of things I guess it doesn't matter. Of all this I think the cruelest thing he did was tell me he still needed to think about what he wanted to do. Up until that point, it seemed like the decision was already made on his part. I had cried my eyes out all week and was finally starting to feel like I could go out in public without blubbering without warning. Now I am back to square one, missing him, remembering how sweet he was right up until the moment he told me he was leaving. I'm not really asking what I should do. I already know. I've deleted him from Facebook, told my son who he was very close with that he could email/call him. That is really the worst part. My son was closer to him that his own father, and I feel so guilty for bringing him into his life and now he's gone. I was so careful too. We dated for a long time before I introduced them because I didn't want my son getting attached to people if they weren't going to be around. I just don't understand how he could be so COLD about it. The only remorse he's shown so far is regarding his current living situation. It makes me question my own judgement, although I wasn't the only one fooled. None of my family or friends can believe it. My first husband cheated on me, repeatedly. I gave him a million chances and he blew every one. I'm not going to do that again. Now I'm starting to wonder what it is about me that makes men think it's okay to run around on me. Honestly, I think I'm still in shock. This happened just over a week ago. Has anyone else had this happen, their spouse of SO dropped a lot of weight and they did something so outside their normal character?
Misfortune Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I'm going through something similar with my "wife" of 6 months. I found out my wife was cheating with a girl and I got basically the same stories from her. I told her to stop her relationship and she said "it hasn't even been a week yet". She's now living with her gf, wants a divorce, made me out to be the bad guy and wants nothing to do with me. It's been 2 months since I've seen or heard from her. Last I heard from her, she was saying that she doesn't have enough money for a divorce. They're really selfish. They lead you on until they've got their new life in place and drop the bomb on you. They leave and shift all blame to the dumpees. It's really sick. They act as if they're doing you a favor and you need to let them water new pastures while you wait around. 2
Viro12 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 It used to be that I think it's harder for a couple to survive a difficult situation. But by reading this forum it seems like, people stick together when things are difficult. Problems starts when one of them gets a new life style, getting attention, and make them believe that they deserve better than the people who stuck around when things are hard. 3
hopefulfaerie Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 It used to be that I think it's harder for a couple to survive a difficult situation. But by reading this forum it seems like, people stick together when things are difficult. Problems starts when one of them gets a new life style, getting attention, and make them believe that they deserve better than the people who stuck around when things are hard. Never thought of it like that but now that you mention it, it seems to apply to a lot of people. 1
Misfortune Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 (edited) It used to be that I think it's harder for a couple to survive a difficult situation. But by reading this forum it seems like, people stick together when things are difficult. Problems starts when one of them gets a new life style, getting attention, and make them believe that they deserve better than the people who stuck around when things are hard. After reading relationship forums, it seems like one person tries while one pretends until they have their new life ready. The problems have always been there, they just come out when the deceiver is found out or they've already made their way to the other end of the monkey bars. Problems that probably could have been solved if they actually wanted to work on the relationship. Edited September 8, 2013 by Misfortune 3
Viro12 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 After reading relationship forums, it seems like one person tries while one pretends until they their new life ready. The problems have always been together, they just come out when the deceiver is found out or they've already made their way to the other end of the monkey bars. That seems like a more accurate representation. They "love" you out of the convenience not out of choice. It's easy to love someone when it seems like you're the only person interested in them. Kinda like if you and your partner are the last two people on earth kind of deal. You're kinda forced to make babies and love each other... 1
Author khaleesi Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 After reading relationship forums, it seems like one person tries while one pretends until they their new life ready. The problems have always been together, they just come out when the deceiver is found out or they've already made their way to the other end of the monkey bars. That's pretty much it I guess. Nothing else really makes sense. I know it's still early days for me, but I don't know how I'm ever going to trust my own judgement again. He was so good to me and my son, my family absolutely loved him, and even my dad who is a pretty taciturn guy warmed up to him. They spent a lot of time together working on cars and stuff. So it wasn't just me. He had absolutely everyone fooled.
Author khaleesi Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 I'm going through something similar with my "wife" of 6 months. I found out my wife was cheating with a girl and I got basically the same stories from her. I told her to stop her relationship and she said "it hasn't even been a week yet". She's now living with her gf, wants a divorce, made me out to be the bad guy and wants nothing to do with me. It's been 2 months since I've seen or heard from her. Last I heard from her, she was saying that she doesn't have enough money for a divorce. They're really selfish. They lead you on until they've got their new life in place and drop the bomb on you. They leave and shift all blame to the dumpees. It's really sick. They act as if they're doing you a favor and you need to let them water new pastures while you wait around. I'm mentally and emotionally preparing myself for what's going to happen next. I WILL NOT take him back, but he is broke, doesn't have much family, and unless this new girl takes him in, he'll be couch surfing for a while. I've already offered to pay for the divorce. I'm still in shock/hurting but I absolutely refuse to wait around.
Misfortune Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I'm mentally and emotionally preparing myself for what's going to happen next. I WILL NOT take him back, but he is broke, doesn't have much family, and unless this new girl takes him in, he'll be couch surfing for a while. I've already offered to pay for the divorce. I'm still in shock/hurting but I absolutely refuse to wait around. I can't afford to pay for a divorce, I lost my job because all of the depression and what not. She her masters and a job in her field so I know she has the money for it. It sucks that they trample on your heart and you have to pay to end it; something you didn't want have and have no say in. They fool everyone and keep it pushing.
Author khaleesi Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 I can't afford to pay for a divorce, I lost my job because all of the depression and what not. She her masters and a job in her field so I know she has the money for it. It sucks that they trample on your heart and you have to pay to end it; something you didn't want have and have no say in. They fool everyone and keep it pushing. I can't really afford it either at the moment, but my amazing, amazing parents have offered. They saw what it did to me with my first husband, waiting and getting trampled on, and they readily agreed that I should just get it over with. I know what you're going through though. When my first husband started cheating on me, I kept trying to forgive him and just got more and more depressed until I eventually lost my job. It really messes with your self-esteem and everything else. 1
Misfortune Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I wish it was that easy on my end. You have to love how they play the victim as if you're the one that betrayed them; it's my favorite part. At least you've had experience from your previous divorce and you're handling this well. My experience has turned me off to marriage forever and relationships for a few months.
Author khaleesi Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 I wish it was that easy on my end. You have to love how they play the victim as if you're the one that betrayed them; it's my favorite part. At least you've had experience from your previous divorce and you're handling this well. My experience has turned me off to marriage forever and relationships for a few months. Yes, he certainly tried to play the victim. I don't know. I think what's so hard is that i could never in a million years see myself treating someone this way, even someone I didn't like. It's hard for me to even get my brain to go there, trying to imagine it, or unravel all this. And I'm not really handling it well. I mean, I'm super emotional, but I know myself well enough by this point to know I can't ever forgive cheating.
Misfortune Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Yes, he certainly tried to play the victim. I don't know. I think what's so hard is that i could never in a million years see myself treating someone this way, even someone I didn't like. It's hard for me to even get my brain to go there, trying to imagine it, or unravel all this. And I'm not really handling it well. I mean, I'm super emotional, but I know myself well enough by this point to know I can't ever forgive cheating. I couldn't see myself treating anyone that way either and acting like the one that was done wrong on top of it all. Well yeah, you're emotional and what not but you haven't let your emotions cloud your mind too much. I didn't handle it near as well as you are currently. It sucks that cheating is so common place and rampant these days, that it seems like some people might end up alone after having let go of so many people; sucks.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 The coldness comes from the shame of his behavior. He is messing around with another woman and abandoning you. No matter what kind of piece of **** man he is, that is destroying his soul. So he masks it by numbing out. No feelings - no pain. He has no compassion for you because he'd have to get in touch with the "reality" of what his actions are. Im so sorry for your pain. I hope you have a good support group of people in your life. 3
Author khaleesi Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 I couldn't see myself treating anyone that way either and acting like the one that was done wrong on top of it all. Well yeah, you're emotional and what not but you haven't let your emotions cloud your mind too much. I didn't handle it near as well as you are currently. It sucks that cheating is so common place and rampant these days, that it seems like some people might end up alone after having let go of so many people; sucks. I am trying hard not to let my emotions control me. After the end of my first marriage I did, and truth be told, we tortured each other for a year under the guise of 'trying to make it work.' When I look back at that time, I am completely embarrassed at the way I acted. Not to say I don't have alternating moments where I want to either call my husband and say mean, nasty things, or beg him to give us another chance. I totally do. I just won't let myself. You live and learn I guess.
Author khaleesi Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 The coldness comes from the shame of his behavior. He is messing around with another woman and abandoning you. No matter what kind of piece of **** man he is, that is destroying his soul. So he masks it by numbing out. No feelings - no pain. He has no compassion for you because he'd have to get in touch with the "reality" of what his actions are. Im so sorry for your pain. I hope you have a good support group of people in your life. Thank you so much for the insight and compassion. I do have an amazing, supportive family and a few good, close friends. Just having a rough night and leaning on all you lovely people here.
spiderowl Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I'm really sorry to hear your story. I think you are doing the right thing by taking control of a divorce and not allowing him any leeway. Guys are so stupid sometimes, chasing another woman and not realising what they are losing until it's gone. My friend's husband betrayed her, she said she wanted a divorce, he decided he didn't want his marriage to break up. Too late! He begged, he became a wreck, he took up with the other woman again, but he's not happy. He was just stupid. I am sure his fling went to his head and he didn't think about what he was risking. I wish you strength to get over this. I'm sure your judgement was good and he has actually made a stupid mistake. His loss.
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