My boyfriend deciding to hang out with his best friend's girlfriend......

[genuinegal31]

I'd be interested to know from the guys firstly...... however i would really appreciate the girl's help because i dont know whether I have genuine cause for concern.

 

How would you feel, if your girlfriend text your best mate (who had just moved to the area and didn't know anyone), whilst you were away, and asked to chill out/go the pub with her?

 

My boyfriend has recently moved to Bristol, where his best mate of ten years lives, and doesn't have any other friend aside from him. He spends a lot of time with his best mate and his girlfriend (who live together), which is cool, it cant be helped if she's there. So my boyfriend moved into this houseshare 6 days ago, doesnt know anyone yet, but prob because he's spent nearly every night at his best mates flat.

 

My boyfriend's best mate went away for the weekend with his uni mates, and my boyfriend couldn't go for financial reasons as it was too last minute. So my boyfriend is sitting on his own in this new house, and his best mate's girlfriend text's and asks if he is in town. She said would he like to go around to hers (his best mate's) and chill out/go the pub.

 

They have only spent time together when his best mate is around, because she obv lives there, socializes with them.

 

How would you feel if your best mate went around to your girlfriends to chill out whilst you were away? Bare in mind you dont get on brilliantly with her, you just accept her because she's your best mate's girlfriend.

 

I found this out tonight, that my boyfriend was cycling to hers and I don't know whether I over reacted or not, because this is the first time they have hung out on their own of a night, and he is staying over. I wonder if his best mate knows? Is she hot? No, she isn't (dont mean to be nasty), I wouldn;t even say pretty, but obv he didnt want to stay in this new houseshare of his and try and get to know his housemates better, he'd rather cycle 3 miles to hang out with her.

 

My boyfriend is very good looking guy, works out, a charmer, so its easy for any girl to be attracted to him. I've met her a couple of times, she's alright like, nice enough, not rude or anything, but just feels a bit weird if you know what i mean.....

 

Girls, do you think that's weird?

 

We've just gone long distance (been together 3 years), hes had to move away to do this access course for ten months then coming back nxt July

[CherryT]

I think you're overreacting. Could her boyfriend ask her to keep him company, because he's in a city where he knows NOBODY? And he knows his buddy will be away?

 

I am close friends with my boyfriends friends and likewise. We've been in a long distance relationship for a long time and are only now starting to make steps in closing the distance. There's been times that I've come down where he's had to work or help his family with things... leaving me in his city for a few hours. He'd ask his friends to take me out or keep me company. Just so I don't have to sit there alone and doing nothing until he returns.

 

Does your BF give you any reason for you not to trust him? Or give you a reason to be insecure? My boyfriend has gone out for a catch up dinners with old school friends (females and one on one). Why dinner? because we all have day jobs. I don't mind and it doesn't happen often, I just trust him and he tells me where he's going to be and what he's doing without me even having to ask him.

[veggirl]

I'd feel uncomfortable. I'm not really okay with one-on-one opposite sex hang outs when in a relationship, esp if that is involving alcohol and sleeping over! I think that is crossing a line. He could stay home and get to know his roommates...?

[hotpotato]

He really did that? Wow. Just wow.

[almond]

I personally am very close to my boyfriend's best friend, and we catch up as a group, as well as one on one often. It's not a problem for my partner, he encourages this and likes the fact that I get along with his friends so well.

 

I've slept at my boyfriend's best friend's house before, and it's not an issue for us. However, alcohol + a sleepover may make some uncomfortable, and if this is a boundary for you, then he should respect it.

 

You should communicate that the alcohol and the sleepover aspect of it has made you feel uncomfortable. Advise him that it is not because you do not trust him, but that you feel it is inappropriate. He should be allowed to catch up with this girl as friends, but I can appreciate that this situation may be a little too far for some.

 

Speak to him without attacking. Try and use "I" and "me" statements instead of "you." For example, "it makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't feel it is appropriate, I would like..." instead of "you did this, you should do that" and so on. Try not to attack him, rather, get your opinion across in a way that he can understand, and that will not immediately have him get defensive. Try and converse and resolve, not argue.

[gaius]

I would feel annoyed, since I'd have to get an STD test and a new girlfriend. There's a billion people in the world to hang out with and it has to be a male friend of mine? That's just slob behavior.

[genuinegal31]

Thank you for all your responses, I appreciate it.

 

That's what I thought was weird, the fact that there was NO ONE else she could have contacted for company, but chose my boyfriend? I know she spends alot of time in his company, because my boyfriend is always around at theirs, but id think to myself 'im glad to have the weekend to myself because he's been here the last 5 nights...'.

 

Plus, he pretty much always used to moan about her, because sometimes she would have a hissy fit when my boyfriend is around (she obviously feels hes around there ALOT), and my boyfriend would say she is a pain in the backside and its better if she is not around so he can just relax with his best mate. So for him to suddenly like her company so much, to cycle over their and chill out with her, is weird for me.....

 

The alcohol aspect does worry because well it does not favour his behaviour at all. She has been there (aswell as I) when he's been a d**ck drunk, and spilled stuff on their carpet etc and is just a bit wild.

 

I couldn't picture texting my bf's best mate and saying 'wanna come around and chill or go the pub' because well, if id already seen the previous 5 nights, why would i want him to go around again?

 

I believe she has hardly any friends either, for whatever reason. She works full time, so that makes me thing why doesnt she get in touch with work colleagues?

 

I know there is the 'bro code' and all that, lol, but when alcohol comes into it, that code isn't really thought about is it?

 

One poster said that his best mate could have said to his girlfriend to invite my byfriend around for company, thats a fair point. He's a grown man of 26, just started college, moved into a houseshare with 4 other people, so he's not helping himself get to know new people by not being at home.

 

I don't know.... i know men and women can be friends, but only if both parties do not remotely find the other person attractive. My bf is a very good looking guy, good fun, and very charming, so i can see how any woman would enjoy his company.

[genuinegal31]

I personally am very close to my boyfriend's best friend, and we catch up as a group, as well as one on one often. It's not a problem for my partner, he encourages this and likes the fact that I get along with his friends so well.

 

I've slept at my boyfriend's best friend's house before, and it's not an issue for us. However, alcohol + a sleepover may make some uncomfortable, and if this is a boundary for you, then he should respect it.

 

You should communicate that the alcohol and the sleepover aspect of it has made you feel uncomfortable. Advise him that it is not because you do not trust him, but that you feel it is inappropriate. He should be allowed to catch up with this girl as friends, but I can appreciate that this situation may be a little too far for some.

 

Speak to him without attacking. Try and use "I" and "me" statements instead of "you." For example, "it makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't feel it is appropriate, I would like..." instead of "you did this, you should do that" and so on. Try not to attack him, rather, get your opinion across in a way that he can understand, and that will not immediately have him get defensive. Try and converse and resolve, not argue.

 

I do feel it is inappropriate, the alcohol plus sleep over are factors which I consider risky. Irrespective whether she is his best mates gfriend or not. To be honest with you, my bf's best friend is a good looking bloke and i can see how one can be attracted to him, so NOT that i wouldn't trust myself, but why would i want to spend time with another guy who i find attractive, ply myself with drink, and then my emotions get a little weyward? I'm an incredibly loyal person, and not a big drinker, i never hardly get drunk, so this situation would never happen.

[StanMusial]

I wouldn't seriously date a girl who would do what you described. It's not going to kill him to stay at home for pete's sake. Rent a movie or read a book or catch up on some homework or something. Hell have a pint and post on LS all night.

[genuinegal31]

I wouldn't seriously date a girl who would do what you described. It's not going to kill him to stay at home for pete's sake. Rent a movie or read a book or catch up on some homework or something. Hell have a pint and post on LS all night.

 

 

I agree, it wouldn't kill him to stay at home. He spent the first 4 nights at his best mate's, then Friday night on his own at the house, then obviously didnt want to stay there again, so went to his best mates house - to see his girlfriend. He obviously doesn't like spending a lot of time alone, particularly in a house he's just moved in to. This is a guy who loves searching youtube, playing PC games and watching movies, but clearly her invitation was more appealing.....

 

Am I wrong in all this? He thinks Im being silly. Are my emotions viable?

[StanMusial]

I agree, it wouldn't kill him to stay at home. He spent the first 4 nights at his best mate's, then Friday night on his own at the house, then obviously didnt want to stay there again, so went to his best mates house - to see his girlfriend. He obviously doesn't like spending a lot of time alone, particularly in a house he's just moved in to. This is a guy who loves searching youtube, playing PC games and watching movies, but clearly her invitation was more appealing.....

 

Am I wrong in all this? He thinks Im being silly. Are my emotions viable?

 

I think your concerns are reasonable. I am certain if I did something like that I would catch hell from my gf. I catch enough as it is.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I

Am I wrong in all this? He thinks Im being silly. Are my emotions viable?

 

It is certainly possible that she invited him over cause he was alone and so was she, and that it is all innocent.

 

But

 

I don't love that his reaction to your discomfort is to say you are being silly. It sounds as though he was completely dismissive of your feelings?

 

If I understand correctly...you two have been dating for a couple years and are just moving into a LDR. The rules and adjustments when that happens means that he may need to work through with you each of your feelings to keep the relationship working.

 

I am assuming then that he is ok with you having out with guys and having sleepovers?

 

I think that it is very much ok for you to have feelings, and for those feelings to be discussed and addressed as valid as part of a mature relationship.

 

And feeling uncomfortable with a 1:1 outing, drinking and sleepover with a girl I assume would be one of those things.

 

IIWII

[genuinegal31]

It is certainly possible that she invited him over cause he was alone and so was she, and that it is all innocent.

 

But

 

I don't love that his reaction to your discomfort is to say you are being silly. It sounds as though he was completely dismissive of your feelings?

 

If I understand correctly...you two have been dating for a couple years and are just moving into a LDR. The rules and adjustments when that happens means that he may need to work through with you each of your feelings to keep the relationship working.

 

I am assuming then that he is ok with you having out with guys and having sleepovers?

 

I think that it is very much ok for you to have feelings, and for those feelings to be discussed and addressed as valid as part of a mature relationship.

 

And feeling uncomfortable with a 1:1 outing, drinking and sleepover with a girl I assume would be one of those things.

 

IIWII

 

Ha that would be an interesting one. I do have one male friend. He is my university friend and I have known him 3 years. He is 21. An incredibly respectful young man who values my company In those 3 years i have known him, i have never hugged him nor kissed him in any capacity. Simply because it feels wrong to me personally. If he were gay, maybe lol. Plus, i suspect he may have some, and i say some, feelings there for me, so i have to be careful not to give him any ideas that i am interested. I see him as a brother, and i respect him enormously. I visited him Friday evening - we watched Harry Potter and I think there was a suggestion i could stay over (he lives with his mum and brother), BUT i felt uncomfortable at that idea because its another guy, irrespective whether there was NO RISK whatsoever, i just didnt want to, felt wrong. So i left at 10pm to make an hour's journey home by bus.

 

My boyfriend knows about him and has been jealous subsequently when i mention him (hes very mature for his age my friend). So it would be very interesting indeed if i said i was staying over at his, and we were gonna have some drinks. Will have to make that point actually.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Let us know how it fleshes out.