danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Hi all, I had 4 dates with a girl recently, I really liked her, and thought we were getting on well until she said she didn't want to take things further (she said I was a lovely person and really enjoyed our dates but didn't feel that connection). Obviously I was totally gutted and was quite down for a few days. Anyway, its her birthday next week and I would like to send a card, but I don't know if its appropriate. I know where she lives because I picked her up a couple of times. I would post the card. There are two reasons for me wanting to do this. The first is that I would like to put a smile on her face by sending her a birthday card, and the second is that I'd like her to know I still think about her (I really did like her alot). So I need a female opinion or two please? Would this be appropriate or not? Thanks
PlumPrincess Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 ABSOLUTELY NOT. Unless it was clear that you would continue being friends, which I don't think is the case. If you send her the card despite her telling you that she was not interested in you, you will look like someone who doesn't get the message.
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Being friends was sort of mentioned during the break up phone call, but not specifically agreed upon. Anyway being 'friends' after dating means nothing anyway its just a polite way of getting rid of someone isn't it. I was thinking of putting my email address in the card and saying something along the lines of 'it would be nice to keep in touch, i'm on facebook with this email...'. Tomtucker, i don't understand why this isn't just a nice thing to do for someone you liked and went on a few dates with?
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! I hope that answers your question. Not really. WHY?? Quit being the nice guy! Can't do it. Its my nature i'm afraid. Maybe one day I'll find someone who actually appreciates that.
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 This girl will not appreciate the gesture. She will either not respond at all or may even be rude about it. I went out with her a few times. I think she would be the kind of person who would appreciate the gesture. That's why I liked her so much, she came across as very kind, honest. So there is no point in sinking further time and resources into this (in fact, I think you should be slightly annoyed here since she wasted a lot of your time already, only to reject you in the end). I suppose I was annoyed at that yes. Thats the rejection isn't it. However she was genuinely nice and I liked her as a person (not just romantically). Also, I don't believe that you are simply doing this out of the goodness of your heart. You are hoping she comes around (whether you will admit this to yourself or not). Chances are she won't. And even if this possibility is still there, sending her gifts to not be the thing to make that happen. Yes this has occured to me. The answer is yes, I guess I would like to have some continued line of communication open in the future, even if its only via facebook. Maybe in a year's time I can get back in touch and say hello. If I parted by doing a nice thing like sending a birthday card then how could this possibly be a bad thing.
PlumPrincess Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Do not send her a birthday card. And, just for the sake of your mindset and future success with women, never say (or even think) the bolded ever again unless you are in a relationship with the girl already and it is clear that she is crazy about you. I'm a woman and I think the second part is the worrisome one!
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Please head over to the "separation and divorce" section. If you continue to act like this, you will be posting there 5-10 years down the line. I'm not trying to bust your balls here. I'm trying to save you before it's too late. Already divorced once. Its too late already.
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 You know what. This is ridiculous. I'm so f**king insecure I'm asking a bunch of strangers whether I should send a birthday card to someone I cared about. I just want to do a nice thing. Maybe if more people in the world did nice things for each other it wouldn't be so f**king hurtful all the time. I'm sending the card and if she don't like it then tough. I took her out on 4 dates she liked me enough to let me buy her drinks and food. I had a great time and met someone who I could have had a relationship with, I'm sending her a card as a way of saying thankyou for a great time. And if our paths ever cross again maybe she'll remember the nice gesture I made. 1
pyramid Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 The thing is, it's not going to put a smile on her face. It's going to make her feel uncomfortable. 3
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 The thing is, it's not going to put a smile on her face. It's going to make her feel uncomfortable. But why? If this was in reverse, and someone who I had some nice dates with sent me a card I'd take it as a nice gesture and send a text back saying thanks or something. I wouldn't be offended by it unless I kept getting unwanted contact day in day out.
Dallers Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Although this says girls only, I am gonna chime in here as well and give a man's point of view on the situation.... The ladies are right NO WAY. It gives off very beta signals and it is clear that you still have feelings for the girl as you are thinking about doing this and will either make her uncomfortable as above or just boost her ego and make her less interested in you. You wouldn't even care it was her birthday if you didn't still have feelings for her as you would be too busy not giving a s**t about her anymore and carrying on with your life. I know, I still have those girls but we have to just move on. Even when we don't want to. No Card.
henderson14 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 You sound like Mr. Nice Guy, which is probably why she dumped you. Grow a pair will you.
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Although this says girls only, I am gonna chime in here as well and give a man's point of view on the situation.... The ladies are right NO WAY. It gives off very beta signals and it is clear that you still have feelings for the girl as you are thinking about doing this and will either make her uncomfortable as above or just boost her ego and make her less interested in you. You wouldn't even care it was her birthday if you didn't still have feelings for her as you would be too busy not giving a s**t about her anymore and carrying on with your life. I know, I still have those girls but we have to just move on. Even when we don't want to. No Card. I still have feelings for this girl yes, I'm not denying that. If I didn't care about her a little I wouldn't be doing this, I agree with that also. I don't see what difference this makes. I want to do a nice thing for her, because I like her. I don't expect anything to come of it.
PlumPrincess Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 But why? If this was in reverse, and someone who I had some nice dates with sent me a card I'd take it as a nice gesture and send a text back saying thanks or something. I wouldn't be offended by it unless I kept getting unwanted contact day in day out. So, you think that it's just going to stay with one birthday card? If she is a nice person, she will thank you for the card. You in return will think that because she answered she continues liking you and you will start sending her messages, because you are "friends" and that's what friends do, sending each other messages every day. Initially she might reply, but as time goes on, her messages will get fewer and fewer and you will start wondering what is wrong with you and why she stopped sending you messages.
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 You sound like Mr. Nice Guy, which is probably why she dumped you. Grow a pair will you. Explain to me why girls dump nice guys please because I don't understand that at all. Maybe if you explain that to me, then I'll have a better idea why this is bad idea? I feel **** enough already getting dumped by someone i liked, you don't think i've been through it all in my mind already?
Dallers Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I still have feelings for this girl yes, I'm not denying that. If I didn't care about her a little I wouldn't be doing this, I agree with that also. I don't see what difference this makes. I want to do a nice thing for her, because I like her. I don't expect anything to come of it. BETA Male. This is what signals it will give her, it makes you look desperate and needy trying to get her attention again. It is like adding an ex on Facebook you give off the signal you are thinking about them and you must have had a girl you just didn't like before and wanted to get rid of right? imagine if she sent you a yucky Birthday card you would be like, ah man I don't need this. The truth hurts and you are obviously a young guy. This is why you experience this because it makes you stronger and woman like strong confident men. That card will do nothing good for you or her and you will not hear back from her anyway so it is a pointless thought.
henderson14 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I still have feelings for this girl yes, I'm not denying that. If I didn't care about her a little I wouldn't be doing this, I agree with that also. I don't see what difference this makes. I want to do a nice thing for her, because I like her. I don't expect anything to come of it. So what are you hoping to gain from this? You "want to do a nice thing for her" as if your doing her a favor (in your mind). Is it for you or for her? I think you just want her to think about you and you want to keep yourself in her mind. You basically are looking to buy her affection and attention by giving her a card. She is going to roll her eyes and she WILL lose even more respect and admiration for you than she did during your dating process. She doesn't need a card from you or probably want one. She will probably feel neutral about it. More on Mr Nice guy. Nice Guys finish last. 1
fanine Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Explain to me why girls dump nice guys please because I don't understand that at all. Maybe if you explain that to me, then I'll have a better idea why this is bad idea? I feel **** enough already getting dumped by someone i liked, you don't think i've been through it all in my mind already? It may not have been because you are nice. Maybe the chemistry just wasn't there for her? You just weren't the right man for her. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong about you.
Dallers Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 So what are you hoping to gain from this? You "want to do a nice thing for her" as if your doing her a favor (in your mind). Is it for you or for her? I think you just want her to think about you and you want to keep yourself in her mind. You basically are looking to buy her affection and attention by giving her a card. She is going to roll her eyes and she WILL lose even more respect and admiration for you than she did during your dating process. She doesn't need a card from you or probably want one. She will probably feel neutral about it. More on Mr Nice guy. Nice Guys finish last. I hate that nice guy, who the hell does he think he is anyway. I beat that nice guy out of me! I cut onions in front of my eyes every night until every tear had gone! Screw that nice guy.
fanine Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 And yes I would feel uncomfortable to receive a birthday card from someone I had dated and broken it off with. I would be thinking, hmm oh ****, why has he done this? I would feel uncomfortable you were somehow trying to get back in my good books so to speak and looking for another chance. People only really give cards to their closest friends, if any at all. It would just seem odd to me. 1
henderson14 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 It may not have been because you are nice. Maybe the chemistry just wasn't there for her? You just weren't the right man for her. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong about you. You are NOT helping this man by feeding him this BS. Just do a google search OP and do some reading. 12 Reasons Women Don't Date Nice Guys | YourTango Can guys be too nice? - Yahoo! Answers What women really thing.
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 People only really give cards to their closest friends, if any at all. I guess I agree with this statement at last. What if i tone it down to a text message?
fanine Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 You are NOT helping this man by feeding him this BS. Just do a google search OP and do some reading. 12 Reasons Women Don't Date Nice Guys | YourTango Can guys be too nice? - Yahoo! Answers What women really thing. My first boyfriend was a nice guy. We were together nine years in the end. There are plenty of nice men who have a good relationship with the right woman. I don't believe everything written on the Internet. I'm a journalist myself and know half the time they do these kind of articles is to fill column inches and just feed people's ever demanding needs to have to read somewhere how to have a relationship etc rather than go with the flow. Yep my first boyfriend and I parted in the end but nothing to do with the fact he is a nice guy. We were 17 when we met and it just ran its course. We parted as friends and now 15 years later we are on good terms. I went to his wedding, he has met my current partner. I certainly have never wanted to date a bad boy. Just one who shows me respect and love that I have had a connection with. One who doesnt play games and is faithful. There are bad boys and nice guys, bad women and nice women. I do thInk sending the card is one step too far, but certainly the OP shouldn't be made to think he has to stop being himself and act like a dick in order to be successful with women. 1
Author danlightbulb Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 You are NOT helping this man by feeding him this BS. Just do a google search OP and do some reading. 12 Reasons Women Don't Date Nice Guys | YourTango Can guys be too nice? - Yahoo! Answers What women really thing. Come on have you actually read that crap? I respect women and am not going to play games with them. Its just not me. I have things to offer that don't need me to pretend I don't care or treat them 'mean'. The women that like that aren't the women for me, they are just as bad as the bad boys they date, then they wonder why they get treated like scum. 1
Dallers Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Ok I'll try to explain it. It's in our DNA as women to go for the MANLY MAN type. Now, what exactly is the MANLY man? Well.......He's good looking, He's confident. Quite frankly he gives off a vibe of "why should I consider you?" He's a challenge! He's a prize that only wants a woman that is his match or better. He makes a woman want him by oozing out sexiness. I know it's stupid! We women sit around bitching our heads off about just wanting a nice guy but when we meet one there is just no fire in it. We can't make ourselves like a guy we are not attracted to. Exactly! As a woman, I want the ALPHA male. The one I can't control, the one who I can't push around. The one that has his **** together and knows it. The one that makes me want to give. I told you it was stupid! and it's hard to explain because we are just hard wired that way. We always want the bad boy, the jerk, the Alpha. If you pay too much attention to a girl she won't like you. Sometimes you just have to be a dick. Now if you are unavailable, busy all the time living your fun life and can maybe squeeze her in for a few hours on a Tuesday....she'll fall at your feet If you look at her like you are wondering why you should consider her......she'll bend over backwards to please you. If you think you can have any woman on the planet and can replace her in a minute....she'll be head over heels in love with you. Of Course this only my opinion and my deduction after seeing it a million times. Woah, that is the most truthful answer I have ever seen a girl give. Read this, read it again and then read it one more time. Then get your sh*t together, hit the gym and arrange a night on the town.
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