LaLune Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I'm not really sure if I'm posting this in the right place, but I do know I'm in need of some helpful advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1,5 years now. When we first started dating, everything was perfect. At first we had a long-distance relationship, where we wrote love-letters to each other and everything was so romantic, just like a fairytale. Whenever one of us came visiting, we always did fun, spontaneous things like going to cafés, shopping, going to the movies and so on. After a while I moved to his town (since I was going to study there either way), and since then we've basically been living together. Our minds think so alike, and he's just the sweetest and smartest guy I've ever met. However, my boyfriend has been feeling kind of down lately, being burnt out by his career and social life. Nowadays he's focusing all his energy on his career (which is really important to him), and it's come to the degree where all he wants when he comes home is to cuddle in bed and watch some tv show, before we go to sleep. Even though I'm constantly trying to plan spontaneous and romantic things to do (like we used to), he hasn't got either the energy or desire to - and the few times I manage to do something with him, he does it for my sake and not his own. This saddens me a lot (which I also have told him), but none of us can really seem to come up with a solution to this. The biggest problem for me though, is that we almost never have sex anymore. We went from having sex at least three times a week, to maybe three times a month! All we ever do is cuddle, and to tell the truth, I haven't even felt any kind of attraction towards him lately. However, I've found myself unconsciously checking out other guys and almost flirting with them, which in turn makes me feel so ashamed! It's not a matter of love, since we both love each other so much, but I just feel so lost in this whole situation. Can I save this, or is it a lost cause? Any advice is deeply appreciated.
CherryT Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 It is a matter of love. You have expectations that he isn't meeting and you're falling "out of love" with him. You have to understand that there are up's and down's in a relationship. You cannot expect the romantic fairytale all the time - because life does get in the way. I don't believe you should ever stop "dating" and trying to keep the fire going... but at the same time, balance your expectations so it doesn't weigh on him all the time. If he just graduated and trying to get his career off the ground, it's a crucial time for him and he may not be able to split his attention. You should have a conversation with him on how you both can meet half way. If he can give you a little more affection you can give him a little more support in his career and less pressure on being that romantic prince charming he once was. He can be that again... he just probably doesn't feel that in himself right now either if his career isn't taking off.
soccerrprp Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 It's salvageable, imho. But, and the but is where it really matters, but if his career is the cause of the burn out in all aspects of your life, then he needs to make a decision to get out or make a greater effort to balance. I mean, really, when you were dating he was not as committed to his career, right? He comes home tired? Exhausted? What about the weekends? When you do make love, is there the energy and excitement you used to have? Is he coming home late? Is he depressed? You are doing what you are supposed to from what you've said. It's really up to him.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Welcome to the end of the honeymoon phase...where shet starts to get real and consequently monotonous, where the whirlwind of excitement no longer distracts you from the reality of your life. He's got his own personal issues to face and deal with, just like everyone else...the difference with men and women is for men there's a selfish journey and endeavors which much be accomplished outside of the relationship...meaning you can't be his all and everything, the key to his life and happiness. You can't fix or repair the relationship because what needs to be fixed is within himself. The likeliness of this romance was perpetuated in consequence because he was having these personal issues in his life to deal with, you looked liked an escape and something that may compensate for that lack of fulfillment. If he follows the standard flow, then he'll continue to detach and disconnect from his personal home life with you...seeking another distraction and excitement outside the relationship, if he's not "one of those guys" then he'll simply lose himself in something, bury his head somewhere else until he overcomes the real problems in his life. Until then you're kind of just a side-thing, a support system but as much as he may love you it's likely he's not in-love with you...because of the circumstances in his personal life If I am properly receiving the mood of this relationship based on what you have said. Men will usually withdraw and detach when they're also looking for a way out of a relationship, the vast majority of men want things to regress into a situation of natural disconnect rather than express and communicate how they really feel in fear of a backlash and emotional blackmail (well you said this, you felt this way and that...you wrote me love letters, visited my dying granny and told her you'd take care of me, etc etc) If he's checked out of the relationship and is not investing, communicating or motivated in sustaining it then his actions are showing you he's not present and interested in this relationship progressing....the fun romantic whirlwind might have reached its impending end...your vision of what love is like many women is a fantasy...most of the time women are choosing to be with men because of their own internal issues. Love is a just a good way of masking all the problems hoping they'll go away.
soccerrprp Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Welcome to the end of the honeymoon phase...where shet starts to get real and consequently monotonous, where the whirlwind of excitement no longer distracts you from the reality of your life. He's got his own personal issues to face and deal with, just like everyone else...the difference with men and women is for men there's a selfish journey and endeavors which much be accomplished outside of the relationship...meaning you can't be his all and everything, the key to his life and happiness. You can't fix or repair the relationship because what needs to be fixed is within himself. The likeliness of this romance was perpetuated in consequence because he was having these personal issues in his life to deal with, you looked liked an escape and something that may compensate for that lack of fulfillment. If he follows the standard flow, then he'll continue to detach and disconnect from his personal home life with you...seeking another distraction and excitement outside the relationship, if he's not "one of those guys" then he'll simply lose himself in something, bury his head somewhere else until he overcomes the real problems in his life. Until then you're kind of just a side-thing, a support system but as much as he may love you it's likely he's not in-love with you...because of the circumstances in his personal life If I am properly receiving the mood of this relationship based on what you have said. Men will usually withdraw and detach when they're also looking for a way out of a relationship, the vast majority of men want things to regress into a situation of natural disconnect rather than express and communicate how they really feel in fear of a backlash and emotional blackmail (well you said this, you felt this way and that...you wrote me love letters, visited my dying granny and told her you'd take care of me, etc etc) If he's checked out of the relationship and is not investing, communicating or motivated in sustaining it then his actions are showing you he's not present and interested in this relationship progressing....the fun romantic whirlwind might have reached its impending end...your vision of what love is like many women is a fantasy...most of the time women are choosing to be with men because of their own internal issues. Love is a just a good way of masking all the problems hoping they'll go away. Geez, man, how gloomy. OP, delve a little deeper and find out what's really going on. I'm not saying that Ninjainpajamas is way off on his thoughts on the matter, but we don't know all the details and you do or can find out. Be prepared for some sour news, unfortunately. Good luck.
ChessPieceFace Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Work can drain you. After working full-time I certainly don't want to do anything. Maybe sit down with him and try to talk about how his career is affecting your relationship, whether it's the career he really wants after all, etc. Also, maybe multivitamins / better diet would give him more energy to not just collapse after work like I do.
Recommended Posts