affairaddict Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I feel suicidal. Or most days question whether I want to be here anymore. I don't, but I have kids whom I love so I must. If I didn't have kids and my dad still alive I would want out without question. But instead I feel I have to suffer living. When my children live with their father over weekends I sit at home and cry, sob in fact. My life is awful actually a joke. I had cancer and an operation this year and now have a year long gruelling treatment plan in the middle of. This had severely impacted on my life I don't want to live life worrying I'm going to die every day I now have to live knowing I have a non curable disease technically. Yes it may go away for good but it's scary. I had an affair last year with a friend and I know it was wrong. It wasn't really sexual more emotional but I grew attached and confided in him and I guess he made my life a little happier. Tried to end it a few times but we kept communicating like a drug and he listened to me when I was having treatment and frightened. Weeks ago I called it off for good and said I needed to love someone who could be with me properly as me and him can't be together while he has a girlfriend/family. He said he understood and would respect my wishes and he's stayed away. I miss him and our conversations. Like there's this void now neither of us have friends we can talk to like we did . I've tried to date but my hearts not fully in it the guy I'm currently dating said I looked bored last night. I guess I must appear vacant. I have no loving partner and I'm so lonely. Everyone posts about their lovely boyfriend/girlfriend and I have no one to cuddle or confide in. I'm only in my early 30s. I'm funny very attractive and have a lot going for me but I feel so alone and depressed. I feel like this is my life now. Deep unhappiness and sorrow and im going to possibly die and my last years would have been miserable. I don't know how to be happy Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear what you are going thru. I can only imagine the fear and anguish that cancer must bring on. It does sound have you have bright spots though: kids, being attractive, and someone who want(ed) to be with you. I don't feel that I have any business offering advice or critiquing given that I cannot identify with the particular of your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolphono Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Well, you've come to the right place. Check with your Doctor and inform him of the depression you are experiencing, it may be a side effect of your treatment medications. Your in a tough situation health and dating wise. I would recommend you search out a support group. Who knows? Perhaps a person there, may be your soulmate. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear what you are going thru. I can only imagine the fear and anguish that cancer must bring on. It does sound have you have bright spots though: kids, being attractive, and someone who want(ed) to be with you. I don't feel that I have any business offering advice or critiquing given that I cannot identify with the particular of your situation. No comment really. Just dig your signature. Floyd!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 (edited) What does your screenname mean? Affairaddict? Also, watch what you write about yourself in regard to being "suicidal". It sounds like you have primary custody of your kid(s). Info less severe than that has been used to take custody from parents. Hopefully your ex doesn't know you write here. (Just speaking from experience with my ex wife and her false accusations and motions.) Edited September 9, 2013 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
Dude420 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I hope this post will be positive so here goes... affairaddict, are you an extremely busy person? Or do you really sit at home most of the time? If you can, you should start to get out there more and meet new people. I don't have cancer, but my mom did as she found out last year and had to go through a major operation, which involved cutting part of the tongue and replacing it with a muscle from her wrist. She can finally talk clearly now, but it's still a bit impaired, you can see her scars on the face and the arm. While she was on recovery for over a month, at some point even she wanted to die because she didn't want to take the suffering anymore. This is the kind of talk that emotionally hurts her family even more, who love her and want her to stay strong. In the aftermath of the recovery, there was a lot of thinking and talking with doctors, nurses etc... my mom realized that no matter what the circumstances, we must carry on with life and make the most of it we can. Any one of us can pass away at any day, for whatever reason. The point is to get out there and enjoy yourself. If you truly love your children, then you must show them that no matter what happens, you must stay positive and live on. Maybe you should consider taking dancing lessons? It's a lot of fun and a great way to meet people. For the record, my mom is undergoing chemo, but she's still full of life and takes care of herself via exercise, eating well and seeing friends. Link to post Share on other sites
mea_M Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Affair, My heart goes out to you. I've seen cancer in my world and I've seen what it can do. If it helps you to know this, I have an incurable disease myself. Lyme. Its been a battle. And many days I felt like throwing in the towel, but I could not do that. I started to realize that we all only go around once. And even while in the midst of the horrific, we have a choice to make the most of our time here. By changing my thoughts it helped me to see things in a much more positive light and enjoy each day. Even if that means just looking for something little that can make you smile. Can you do that? And by all means don't forget hope. Hope is good. My best to you. Mea:) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rbrock2323 Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 What would make you happy? Are your children happy? Do you enjoy seeing them happy? For most parents, that's the biggest joy in the world. I am single, very alone, and no hope or chance at even a date...but I'm not sad, I'm happy. Not happy to be alone or lonely, but happy that I can still make my own choices as to how I can fulfill my life to my own personal satisfaction. I hate hearing you had cancer, especially at such a young age. I hope you make a full recovery and come out stronger than before. But I wouldn't play games with myself like you're doing, because your playing games you can't win when it's you vs. you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookUp Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 I don't blame you for the affair. You had a guy to confide in during your moments of need, and like you said, provided you a bit of happiness--something that you want. How often do you find yourself thinking about the loneliness? At the end, you say you don't know how to be happy. But have you ever given yourself permission to be happy? If you haven't, now is a start. You're strong to keep going, and it's very unselfish of you to think about your kids and keep going for them too. Now it's about moving forward. You want happiness, and you want someone to love. What will help you achieve this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 I feel like this is my life now. Deep unhappiness and sorrow and im going to possibly die and my last years would have been miserable. I don't know how to be happy You need to see a doc right away. I've been where you are now. You can fix it if you're willing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author affairaddict Posted September 14, 2013 Author Share Posted September 14, 2013 I'm not an affair addict I was addicted to one person sorry username is confusing. I'm not busy enough, but please don't compare how I feel with your mum or aunt etc.. All chemo is different. With an operation depression and chemo I'm exhausted. I still look after two kids and try and keep a house, there's no need to make me feel guilty for being tired. It's not a competition. FYI I think I'm doing pretty well. As for constructive advice, thank you. I feel a little better this week. I've noticed alcohol makes me feel more depressed so that's off the menu. I've started therapy now and looking in to doing some volunteering work . My kids do make me happy but it's a long time sometimes when they aren't with me. Trying to be more positive. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 14, 2013 Share Posted September 14, 2013 I am sorry you are facing real trials , when i read posts like your i realize how small my trials are, i feel for you i really do........ i have depression clinical and i am schizo affective so even though my trials that i go through are ones i can handle always have been able to handle, when i am depressed i dont think rationally, and i feel suicidal which brings out my schizo affective disorder that feeds on my depression giving me paranoia and delusion hallucinations which in turn regurgitates past trauma......fun fun fun...its a cycle...that is predictable....luckily....when i am in the worst stages .....and life is getting almost impossible....i live for others.......my family my friends who would be devastated if i killed myself...i am not on meds so i am at risk......of it getting too much......in saying that....you are so brave, i read your story and tears sting the back of my eyeball......you have courage to have surpassed what you have already i can read it, i read that you are tired unsure a bit scared...been there.....sucks big time...... i just wantto say to you i admire your strength...to admit you arent feeling that strong, that you have come through some operations that would drain anyone and you are not to proud to say hey what do i do...... there was a quote somewhere i read that said...if you cant live for yourself live for others.....its actually giving and sacrificing........ that is what you are doing..for now..but one day , you will feel the need to live for you too, might not be tomorrow but tomorrow is always one day closer than yesterday....i hear you i read your pain and i validate what you feel from personal experience.....like me...you have to keep going.... i have five kids......i have to keep going too......if you ever feel really close.......call the hospital.....do that for your kids.......and do it......because your future self is going to be grateful you did.......this is just something you have to go through ...like everything else you have gone through.......you are never alone...god bless you and give you peace in that heart of yours with the strength to arrive at where peace is...huge hugs from me to you............deb Link to post Share on other sites
Dude420 Posted September 14, 2013 Share Posted September 14, 2013 Affairaddict, I'm not trying to compare you to my mom, not at all and I'm not judging you on your behavior. After seeing my mom going through the suffering, I can see why cancer is so terrible, so I thought I'd give you a positive story. I deeply apologize if I offended you, but I hope you get better and manage to get through it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yum yum Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 You need to talk to your Doctor, some of what you are feeling is natural for what you are going through. Are you based in UK because if so you can get support from MacMillan, not just for you but for your family. If you are across the pond then sorry I am unfamiliar with services that are available. Also someone independent to vent at is a good thing as you need to be able to find a way to deal with the feelings, and it also means you will not upset your children, which I am sure is the last thing you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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