I want a divorce from my wife

[Grumpybutfun]

OP- In your estimation, apparently looks and youth replace honor, loyalty, kindness and marriage vows. I hope your wife finds someone who can honor her and who can understand that love isn't butterfly feelings you have in your stomach when you are first married or dating, that would be the oxytocin which is a hormone that makes you feel all romantic. Love is an action and you decide if you love someone or not everyday of your marriage. If you value looks and youth and oxytocin more than loyalty and honor and if a stranger who works for you is more important to you than the caregiver of you and the mother of your child, then you need to move on and let your wife find someone who decides with integrity and respect to honor her.

Grumps

[Oberfeldwebel]

Your problems have very little to do with your wife and more to do with you. You can run from your wife and child, but you can't run from you. Your demons lie with you and you need to be in counseling to help you keep them at bay. Don't screw up one of the good things in your life for the fantasy of I'm not in love. It make a great plot for a Harlequin Romance novel, but has nothing to do with real life.

[2sunny]

How can you know the new, young gal isnt interested in you for your money?

[Moniq]

Would you be leaving your wife if you didn't have someone waiting on the side lines?

[eddieg]

Would you be leaving your wife if you didn't have someone waiting on the side lines?

 

Good question. I would say no I would not want to separate so urgently. I envisioned having more kids and a lifetime of fun family vacations before this new woman came into my life.

 

But deep down inside I think I would eventually would have sought out sexual encounters from different women, but not falling in love with another woman and separating from wife.

[eddieg]

Another important fact I left out about my wife. Years ago I discovered flirty emails from one of her co-workers, from another branch location. She said nothing ever happened between them and even said she'd be willing to take lie detector test I requested to prove there was nothing physical. I only seen emails, never seen the text, which I assume they were texting on their company cell phones. At this time we were not living together.

 

Around same time as flirty emails, we weren't living together and one day she showed unexpectedly to surprise me with lunch. Unfortunately I was in a bad mood and raised my voice at her for not calling beforehand. She left and ignored my phone calls and refused to get back with me for days. I think she was finding an excuse to break up.

 

So she's not the perfect angel. I was her first boyfirend, kiss,etc...However for years I lost my attraction to her. I felt I deserved something physically better. Yes she cooks, cleans, taught sunday catholic class for elementary kids, she takes my elderly grandparents shopping and is very attentive to my every need. Those are just a few things she does out of her goodness of heart. I would hate to think it was guilt.

 

At this moment she is at church with our kid.

 

 

OP, since you're apparently new to LS, we generally have a pretty strict rule regarding what 'cheating' is, as well as 'affairs', which may not align with your perception of those dynamics, and this disparity may result in answers which don't agree with your thought processes.

 

You've stated that you'd never cheat on your wife. Later, you mention another lady, evidently 10 years younger, whom you appear to have substantial interest in.

 

If I got that right, here's the test: Have you performed *any* behavior with her, or had *any* conversation with her that, if your wife were standing right there and taking it in, she would have disapproved of as an abrogation of your marital vows? If yes, and this has been withheld from your wife overtly, that would be classified as 'cheating'. If the behaviors are open and conspicuous, an 'affair', but not cheating, as cheating is defined by deception. Only you know what is in your mind. We can never possibly know. Reflect upon that and see how it goes.

 

If you are concerned about you wife's immigration status, any immigration attorney in your jurisdiction, or such an attorney in the law firm of your divorce lawyer, can give you the list of relevant facts to provide, as well as proper legal advice, in very little time. At my lawyer's rates, I'd pay around 150-200 bucks for that kind of advice, based on similar issues I dealt with along the divorce pathway. These guys/gals are pros and the competent ones work fast.

 

Think it through, make a decision and move forward. Since there is a third party in the picture, fence-sitting will only serve to worsen your position moving forward, IMO, predicated upon receiving no adverse advice from your legal counsel. If they make a case for waiting, then take a look at that.

 

The new girl works at my 9-5, not the side business I run with wife. So far we been in LA LA LAND with flirty emails and few lunches together at work. No kiss, no sexual advances. I also lied to the new girl and she has no idea I am married.

 

 

why are you ashamed to see with your wife in public ?

 

As cocky as this sounds I feel as though I am a 9/10 in looks and my wife is a 7. She has also gained an extra 30lbs during our years together.

 

Eddie,

 

I feel compelled to give you a reality check. First let me say, I don't believe all marriages are meant to last. And you appear to have started an affair and checked out of yours already. But you paint a fairly unrealistic rosey picture so lets get some real perspective into your ideal outcome.

 

When a marriage ends and there is an OW involved, your wife will likely be having incredibly hostile and hurt feelings for a very long time if not forever. I also assume that she will feel blindsided since you have not been working on resolving marital issues, she has stood by you in your illness, and you have a very young child.

 

You will likely have to split 50/50 the business (and personal) assets or one of you will have to buy the other out because your business cannot be run by to warring divorcing people, especially when the OW works there.

 

I don't know anything about immigration, but while your child is a citizen, your wife is not, so she may have to go back to her native country, taking your child back to live with her, at least 50% of the time, after the child is a couple years old.

 

You and your STBXW will likely have poor relationship for some time so I would not assume she will welcome your OW as a new step mother with open arms, nor will many of your family or hers, friends, and coworkers. It's possible, just not likely. Do not assume that anyone will not know that the relationship started as an affair. People will know and that will make people very angry.

 

Your new relationship has about a 1-3% chance of lasting, if you follow the general stastical pattern, so whether or not your hypochondria returns, you will likely be alone. But if your anxiety stays under control, you said you have good self esteem so you will likely find someone else, eventually.

 

I know you want your stbxw to find someone to love her in a way you cannot, but that really appears to be more to ease your guilt since you have never been attracted to her and feel you could do so much better (or am I reading that wrong?). So don't count on that solving the issue because while it does happen, it's just not common.

 

Eventually, when she starts to heal from your betrayal, she will likely find someone who will be good to her and will be a good parent to your child. At that point, they may be living in another country, your child will fly back and forth for visitation and holidays, and things will start to even out. It may take years and years before that happens.

 

If you want to avoid that you would have had to invest in working through your marital issues, without the third party soft place to land...but I think you have already missed that opportunity by starting an affair.

 

And before you say you aren't in an affair...read the definition above and add this...how do you know OW even likes you? The fact that you can answer that question means you are IN an affair.

 

But I could be wrong.

 

You're dead on with that post, like many others. I think if I did leave my relationship would have a much better chance 1-3%. This new girl at work is unlike the some of the promiscuous women who tried to hit on me before at work.

 

This new woman reminds me exactly like my wife. Very innocent, classy, traditional and a hard worker.

 

 

Yes, divorce her. Don't expect the new, younger gal to treat you right after all you aren't a happy man offering your happy self to anyone.

 

And her family? No - I wouldn't expect them to continue being kind and loving after you screw over your wife when she's been so good to you. They are likely to be flaming mad.

 

I just do not see her family hating my guts for a lifetime. I was a good husband and boyfriend for years. I felt forced to marriage due to my wife's urgent need to become citizen. I still wasn't ready to get married and felt rushed. I also helped her family get a loan on their home and co-signed for a vehicle for her mother. I did not feel used, it was genuine and I volunteered to do it, never asked.

 

Your problems have very little to do with your wife and more to do with you. You can run from your wife and child, but you can't run from you. Your demons lie with you and you need to be in counseling to help you keep them at bay. Don't screw up one of the good things in your life for the fantasy of I'm not in love. It make a great plot for a Harlequin Romance novel, but has nothing to do with real life.

 

Due to counseling my confidence is high and my anxiety is under control. Several years ago I refused any medication or counseling and dealt with my issues by talking to wife. She did help me through the rough times. However all along I needed professional help and medication. I know I can find someone who I desire and still be a great father.

Edited September 8, 2013 by eddieg

[eddieg]

How can you know the new, young gal isnt interested in you for your money?

 

No not at all. Other than having a high status position at our job (my 9-5, not the side business) I am not a flashy guy. She has no idea of financial status. I drive a prius. Most of my co-workers drive luxury or exotic cars.

[eddieg]

At the end of the day. I guess I want a separation, not a divorce.

 

It does sound very idiotic not to go through the LEGAL process for divorce, immigration, estate and business.

 

I just want to move on a good note, continue to run side business with minimal daily contact with wife. Our business consist of dealing with our team overseas, not directly with each other. It's a simple LLC.

 

Also I would like all of revenue go directly into my wife's account. My kid is priority so I want to see him on a daily basis and support him financially.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Eddie,

 

Sorry, but you are delusional if you think there will not be significant fallout. Delusional. Her family will Hate you...no matter what financial help you gave them when they were your family.

 

Significant, long term fallout.

 

And the girl at work? When she finds out you are married and a cheater? If she is a neat as you say she will kick you to the curb for being a liar.

 

You are ready to give up half your stuff,your 11 year relationship, 50% or more time with your kid for a young girl who you supposedly just flirt with? I don't believe it.

 

And what happens when she gains weight if she has your kids, she has some horrible accident or disease... you will dump her too? You really sound very egotistical stand superficial.

 

But I agree with the poster..this is an issue with you and your coping skills, and mental health.

 

Maybe your wife will be glad to get out from under the burden of caring for you? Who knows but don't expect it to be easy peasy.

 

You probably need to start to ready your wife for the divorce discussion so it doesn't blindside her.

 

I assume your emotional affair with the work girl will proceed to physical soon. She deserves to know she is having an affair with a married man. Will one of you lose your job if you have a relationship? Some companies are not cool with that, especially since you are still married.

 

What does your therapist say about your affair?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

At the end of the day. I guess I want a separation, not a divorce.

 

It does sound very idiotic not to go through the LEGAL process for divorce, immigration, estate and business.

 

I just want to move on a good note, continue to run side business with minimal daily contact with wife. Our business consist of dealing with our team overseas, not directly with each other. It's a simple LLC.

 

Also I would like all of revenue go directly into my wife's account. My kid is priority so I want to see him on a daily basis and support him financially.

 

This won't work. You would have to negotiate an open marriage and your GF has to be accepting of dating a married man who can never marry her?

 

Delusional.

[carhill]

At the end of the day. I guess I want a separation, not a divorce.

 

If you live in my jurisdiction, California, the two are essentially the same. Matters of asset division, support and custody are agreed upon or adjudicated prior to the legal order of separation being issued. Some issues can be bifurcated, just as with a divorce but, essentially, the legal separation is the same as a divorce, except the parties cannot legally remarry if separated. Check your jurisdiction or with legal counsel for more information on the process.

[eddieg]

I'm just going to say this one more time just to be sure you didn't miss it.

 

Trust me I hear you loud and clear. I'm still so confused and overwhelmed.

 

She'll lose the extra 30 lbs. But you will still be a class A jerkwad.

Take your 9/10 self on out the door sweet pea. You might think your a 9/10 the rest of the world might call you a 6.....just saying.

Go get that greener grass!

 

Ouch!

[eddieg]

If you live in my jurisdiction, California, the two are essentially the same. Matters of asset division, support and custody are agreed upon or adjudicated prior to the legal order of separation being issued. Some issues can be bifurcated, just as with a divorce but, essentially, the legal separation is the same as a divorce, except the parties cannot legally remarry if separated. Check your jurisdiction or with legal counsel for more information on the process.

 

Thanks for this advice. I happen to live in California as well.

[carhill]

Thanks for this advice. I happen to live in California as well.

Thanks. While a lawyer is your best source of information, I figured I could save you some of the ~10 grand I spent on them. My best advice is to make a decision, move forward and, if choosing to divorce/separate legally, make the process as accommodating and amicable as possible. This, even if costing some cash, can mitigate legal fees, which as you know can be horrendous, as well as helps with the emotional process of ending this partnership. As part and parcel, be proactive in assuaging any concerns about immigration status of your wife with current and competent information.

 

On LoveShack, we often hear stories from women who love, but are not in love with their man, husband or boyfriend, and the question of 'stay or go' is often debated. I tend to side with posters for married couples with children to really think it through but, at the end, one must make the decision which is in one's self interest, respectful of the impact on the dependents (children). People do this every day, as the divorce rate indicates.

 

In California, if you filed for divorce tomorrow, there is a mandatory six month 'cooling off' period where, even if amicable and all documents prepared, the court will not dissolve the marriage legally until that period has run. If you choose to reconcile, it's easy to discontinue prosecution and/or rescind key documents to that prosecution. The court doesn't care. It's your lawsuit. If you want it to rule, it will. Good luck.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I just do not see her family hating my guts for a lifetime. I was a good husband and boyfriend for years. I felt forced to marriage due to my wife's urgent need to become citizen. I still wasn't ready to get married and felt rushed. I also helped her family get a loan on their home and co-signed for a vehicle for her mother. I did not feel used, it was genuine and I volunteered to do it, never asked.

 

Anyone who hurt my son or daughter the way you are doing would be my enemy forever.

 

You could hurt me and I might get over it, but you hurt my kid?

 

No Eddie...they will not forgive you.

[Misfortune]

I'm just going to say this one more time just to be sure you didn't miss it.

 

You get what you deserve my friend.

 

You take your 9/10 behind on out the door and find another woman to put up with your BS. Go on! Do it NOW.

 

Your wife deserves so much better!

She'll lose the extra 30 lbs. But you will still be a class A jerkwad.

Take your 9/10 self on out the door sweet pea. You might think your a 9/10 the rest of the world might call you a 6.....just saying.

Go get that greener grass!

 

If I could bag that greener grass up and sell it....just the best sh*t in the world.

[2sunny]

So you've eliminated important info to the young gal?

 

Being married is important...and ommiting your truth says a lot about your further lack of character.

 

You aren't investing emotionally in the M - and frankly I find your posts to be ego filled which is never attractive.

 

You intend to hurt your wife - go ahead and just get it over with so she can find a man who is invested in considering how SHE feels and understands the beauty she has.get it over as quickly as possible so it hurts her as little as possible.

 

And be honest with her - tell her you intend to cheat but decided to divorce her first instead.

[eddieg]

Eddie,

 

 

What does your therapist say about your affair?

 

I never spoke to therapist about this issue, yet. For months we were focused on my health anxiety/hypochondriac issues. Now that my treatment is going strong I no longer worry about those issues. So tomorrow will be the first time the separation issue will be brought up.

 

 

And the girl at work? When she finds out you are married and a cheater? If she is a neat as you say she will kick you to the curb for being a liar.

 

Most likely. I cant imagine her accepting it.

 

 

 

I assume your emotional affair with the work girl will proceed to physical soon. She deserves to know she is having an affair with a married man. Will one of you lose your job if you have a relationship? Some companies are not cool with that, especially since you are still married.

 

 

I'm actually close to my boss/ceo, I have been his right hand man for over 5 years. He runs a huge successful PI law firm. I think if he found out, he would most likely have that 'father and son' type of talk and I would never lose my job.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

In your own words...

 

I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for my health anxiety issues. It's worked so well that my confidence is at in all time high and I fear nothing. I've been working out, improving my looks and my anxiety has decreased dramatically. So Monday's CBT session will be the first time I will bring up the issues of separating with wife.

 

My wife is an excellent mother, business partner, active in church and great to me and my family. However I am no longer in love with her both on emotional and physical level.

 

I'm not attracted to her anymore physically and sexually after living with each other for 3 years. I have no desire to make love to her to anymore.

 

For years I felt ashamed to be seen with wife in public.

 

I always made sure to invite loads of other family members, since going on vacation with just my wife would not be pleasurable or fun. She always asked why we never go places alone for years now.

 

For years I lost my attraction to her. I felt I deserved something physically better.

 

As cocky as this sounds I feel as though I am a 9/10 in looks and my wife is a 7. She has also gained an extra 30lbs during our years together.

 

 

About the greener grass.....

 

I want to start a new life with a girl who is almost 10 years younger than me.

 

This new woman reminds me exactly like my wife. Very innocent, classy, traditional and a hard worker.

 

You're dead on with that post, like many others. I think if I did leave my relationship would have a much better chance 1-3%. This new girl at work is unlike the some of the promiscuous women who tried to hit on me before at work.

 

You want to trade in your old wife for a new younger model exactly like her...because your wife is not good looking enough for you?

 

I do really think you would be doing your wife a favor to divorce her.

 

You will be miserable I an almost guarantee that, but she's going to be much happier with someone less superficial and neurotic.

 

Oh and the 1-3% chance of success...everyone things they are the exception, clearly they are not.

[eddieg]

@It-Is-what-it-is

 

What I meant by "my confidence is at in all time high and I fear nothing" is that I no longer have these unfounded fears of diseases.

 

I would spend a lot of time researching diseases I thought I had. Had several blood test, genetic test, scans, ER visits and each time I was fine. Doctors always lectured me about controlling my anxiety and do something productive with my life instead of constantly requesting test for reassurance. This went on for almost a decade. Finally I've been doing great for 4 months straight.

[Dolphono]

If I could bag that greener grass up and sell it....just the best sh*t in the world.

 

Yeah, I would love to bag that up too and generate a cash flow, I'll be Microsoft to your Apple. Lol

[Dolphono]

@It-Is-what-it-is

 

What I meant by "my confidence is at in all time high and I fear nothing

 

Enjoy the "HIGH" brother because you'll be riding very low in the near future. Hurry up and destroy your beautiful family...

[2sunny]

So you also haven't been honest yet - with your therapist.

 

Are you seeing YOUR pattern of deceit? Lying by ommission is still lying.

 

You aren't getting things the way you prefer because you don't know how to be honest. Speak your truth by having a voice. Tell your wife EXACTLY how you feel - no one needs a counselor for that!

[carhill]

OP, since you're apparently in IC, another aspect to consider is the focus of that type of counseling, in that you are the client and the counseling is directed to whatever resolutions which are in your best interest, exclusive of other dynamics. The difference between this type of counseling and MC is that, in MC, the marriage is the client and the counselor is charged with directing therapy in the best interests of the marriage, no matter the outcome. Not so in IC, where your best outcome is the counselors primary work. The marriage is secondary or irrelevant.

 

I mention this as a caution, because it's quite normal and commonplace to become very confident in oneself from counseling and then proceed to make regretful, when reflecting upon them in the futre, decisions simply because the counseling was focused totally on self without regard to others. IMO, a more balanced approach is required when one is married and has a family. Thanks for your consideration.

[eddieg]

So you also haven't been honest yet - with your therapist.

 

 

I haven't seen therapist for over 3 weeks, so this new 'interest' of mines is fairly new, only about 2 weeks.

 

I will bring up these interesting tidbits:

 

1. My mother cheated on my father while he was away on business trip and I walked in on it when I was only 5. They were never married.

 

2. My mother eventually left my father and I the same year. Never visited, called or wrote. She was still living in same city. She eventually came around when I was around 14 and tried to make up for it by spoiling me rotten.

 

3. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at 42 and died a year later. Before she passed she told me she had 3 other kids who live in Texas. She had all 3 kids before she was 22. Not sure why my father never told me this. She kept this a secret from my father during their relationship and he found out from cousin in law.

 

I'm not going to blame on poor lil mommy issue...blah blah blah.

 

But I feel like my current marriage as a caretaker/mother who I never had. Someone who would take care of me and watch over me.