BluFish Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 (edited) I recently graduated college and am fairly new to my accounting job. I work in a small office where everyone knows everyone. A few months ago, a fellow co-worker started to show interest in me. We met at a company fund raiser and he's about 6 years older than me. It started off small, simple texts, and then it became a daily thing. He would call me at work, text me at work, text me at home. He'd ask how I was and our conversations flowed. After a few weeks of communicating, he asked me what I was doing that weekend. Unfortunately, I had plans and said so. Since then, he's made the indication of wanting to see me outside work, but it was never conducive. I was either our of town or he was. One night, when I'm assuming he had too much to drink, he ended up texting me pretty frisky things. Me, being a little inexperienced (didn't really date much in college) played along. I figured it was harmless and flattering. It didn't lead to full-blown sexting, but it was defiantly a step above your flirtatious texting. From that night on, our conversations kept that sexual undertone. Mostly instigated by him. Like I said, I was flattered by them and figured it was just fun. In the back of my mind however, I was a little upset that he'd keep leading our conversations back to that kinky place. I just wanted to get to know him outside of that realm. This went on for a few weeks - but he never made the serious attempt to ask me out again. So I decided to ask him. About a week ago, I mustered up the courage to ask him out on a proper date. I figured this would be a good way to get to know him and decide if I wanted to keep this up. We made plans to go to a driving range. I jokingly said if he could beat me, he'd get a prize (a kiss in my mind). He said yes. The evening of the date, he showed up at my door with a bottle of wine and indicated that it was for later. This caught me off guard. To me, that was a clear sign of his intent. But we went anyway. From golf we went for a walk in the park and ended up sitting there for a few hours. Overall, the date was filled with sexual innuendos and comments from him. He ended up pretty much grabbing me and kissing me hard (with tongue)- not romantic. It took me by surprise and I commented on it, "you lead with tongue?" To which he said, "we're adults." He tried to get me to sit on his lap, which I playfully refused. He kept insisting that we go back to one of our apartments and crack open that wine. To which I said, "I don't think that's such a good idea, I don't know you like that." He seemed taken back and tried to explain that he wasn't like that - which I found hard to believe. He also seemed upset and called me out on some of the texts I sent saying I was all talk. I joked and told him good things come to those who wait - I wan't an office floosy. He did keep saying he was having a good time and did like me, but felt we didn't have to tell people in the office about it. He also mentioned that he was sorry for not asking me out and that I had to end up putting it together. After a while, he took me home and kissed me goodnight - a lot softer. He said he would think of something for us to do on our next date. The next day he texted me saying he had a great time and couldn't wait to do it again. However, since then he hasn't pursued a second date or even mentioned it and it's been over a week. We are both a part of a company blowing team with games late Friday night. Yesterday our games were cancelled and I said, "There goes my firday night!" To which he replied nothing. It would have been a great opportunity for him to say something. His contact with me has dwindled. It's not as strong and when he does text me, it's very limited and dry. But he does still contact me. Now, I believe that since I didn't put out, he's upset or uninterested. But here's where I'm unsure: did my responses to his texts cause him think he had a free pass? Did I unintentionally lead him on? When I reread his texts, many of them shout that he's hard up for sex and I did play along. But there's a difference with hinting at it during the date and then throwing it in my face - showing up with wine at my door. I don't penalize him for it, he's a man, he's human - but I can't help but feel I'm partly responsible. The best I can relate it to would be me telling him there's a sale at a store. So he goes, thinking he's going to get a great sale, and then I tell him, just kidding - I just wanted to get him there. Now, I'm not sure how to proceed. Part of me whats to chalk it up to an experience and a learning process. See it for what it maybe - he wanted sex, didn't get it, and pouted. That he didn't respect me enough to treat me like a lady - grabbing me to kiss, trying to run his hands over me (to which I told him he had to earn that if he wanted it). I mean, it was the first date. This was first time we had actually hung out alone together. If the fact that I didn't give it up on the first date turns him off, that's a clear sign of disinterest. The other part of me wants to bring it up with him. Tell him that if I sent the wrong message through my texts I was sorry and that I wasn't rejecting him - just sex as I wasn't ready. It's a lot easier to say things behind a screen when you're alone. I want to make it right because I do work with him and I am on the bowling league with him. Should I let it go or contact him? Edited September 7, 2013 by BluFish
HappyLove Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Let it go. Yes, you led him on texting sexy things. Thank your lucky stars that you dodged a bullet. He would have used and dumped you, probably tell the office all about it too. He definitely thought he was getting some. You need to check how you are handling yourself as well. Even with men you are casually dating you would be seen as a tease because your leading them on. I don't think it was smart to do this with a coworker. He's showing you he's not interested in dating you, just sleeping with you. He tested you to see if you were slutty thought he hit the jackpot. Good for you he was wrong. Just move on, he's a jerk. Live and learn.
truth_seeker Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Let him contact you. You did lead him on. He went aggressive with the texting, you didn't resist, he figured he had a shot at easy sex on the date - the date you asked him out on. You then resisted and now he figures, not worth it unless you contact him.
Author BluFish Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 So I shouldn't clarify it with him?
Divasu Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I'm not sure if your behavior was misleading given he seemed to be the main instigator within your interactions. But, you did go along with it to an extent... One night, when I'm assuming he had too much to drink, he ended up texting me pretty frisky things. Me, being a little inexperienced (didn't really date much in college) played along. I figured it was harmless and flattering. It didn't lead to full-blown sexting, but it was defiantly a step above your flirtatious texting. From that night on, our conversations kept that sexual undertone. Mostly instigated by him. What exactly did you say back that you believe is misleading? In any event, he seemed fairly pushy from what you're telling us, and, you aren't comfortable with it.
HappyLove Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 So I shouldn't clarify it with him? It sounds like he made his intentions clear. It doesn't sound like you're interested in being a booty call so I'd leave it alone. It's not like you're going to have this life changing conversation with him that will show him the light to how to become your man. He was looking for sex and didn't get it so now he's backed off. He didn't even ask you out, you asked HIM out. When people show you who they are, believe them~ Maya Angelou
Author BluFish Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 What exactly did you say back that you believe is misleading? . Mostly, I didn't tell him to stop or pull back is kinky texts. I went along for the ride. Fueling the fire. It wan't anything overbearing - like actions we'd preform, but it you could tell the texts were sexual in nature. I guess we saw this "date" from two different perspectives. I saw it as a means to get to know him. I mean, usually, I'll go on dates with a guy before I start texting them anything flirtatious. This was the other way around. I thought it was past due for a "get to know you" date to see what he was like. Guess he only saw it as one thing.
HappyLove Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Maybe I don't fully understand. What would be your purpose in contacting him? Is it to continue a possible dating relationship or just to clear the air for work?
Author BluFish Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Maybe I don't fully understand. What would be your purpose in contacting him? Is it to continue a possible dating relationship or just to clear the air for work? I guess I'd just want to tell him where I was coming from. And that I didn't deliberately lead him on to shut him down. If nothing comes from that - so be it.
Author BluFish Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Now I guess the question is, what do I do with that bottle of wine? Haha.
Divasu Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Mostly, I didn't tell him to stop or pull back is kinky texts. I went along for the ride. Fueling the fire. It wan't anything overbearing - like actions we'd preform, but it you could tell the texts were sexual in nature. I guess we saw this "date" from two different perspectives. I saw it as a means to get to know him. I mean, usually, I'll go on dates with a guy before I start texting them anything flirtatious. This was the other way around. I thought it was past due for a "get to know you" date to see what he was like. Guess he only saw it as one thing. Thanks for clarifying. I don't see any misleading on your part. He probably perceived your lack of opposition to it as a green light and when you did 'oppose' during the actual date, he backed off afterwards after you declined his advances. Doesn't sound like he's looking for a connection outside of going to your/his apartment and "cracking open a bottle of wine". So, no need to clear the air with him. You shouldn't feel the need to apologize to someone just because you're not ready to jump into bed with them on the first date.
Author BluFish Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 It's just difficult when you see the other side of them that' not sexually overbearing and see the potential there. I would have liked to get to know him. Sadly, he doesn't feel the same way.
Divasu Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 It's just difficult when you see the other side of them that' not sexually overbearing and see the potential there. I would have liked to get to know him. Sadly, he doesn't feel the same way. There will always be potential in some fashion. But, it's best to avoid investing in "potential" but rather, invest when you see some growth.
SubliminalSessions Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I don't understand people's recommendation to 'meet dates at work'. It's for these reasons...how can you go and try something with someone at work, it doesn't work out...then you have to go around all day feeling awkward? 1
StanMusial Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Now I guess the question is, what do I do with that bottle of wine? Haha. You down it in one. My advice is to drop the whole thing. Be polite and professional but that's all. It will blow over in a few weeks. He will probably come sniffing around again eventually so just have an excuse ready, like "I just got back with my ex" or "I'm seeing someone" etc. So far there is no harm no foul, you can keep it that way if you're so inclined.
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