Ex moved to my city after our LDR ended. Should I contact him?

[Oneticket]

Here is my story. It was almost love at first sight. We met when I was studying in the States, and he just came back from Japan. Very early on we knew things were going to be hard: I was only there for a short time and would have to go back to Japan soon. But we were too attracted to each other, so we decided to try to work things out and not let distance become a problem.

 

After three months, I went back to Japan. We remained in a long distance relationship for another month. Then I finally decided that he was not the one for me. The distance and his emotional immaturity were too much for me to handle. We broke up peacefully--on webcam, which felt terrible. I just told him that LDR is too hard and that we argued too often. He said he never wanted to hear from me again, "not as friends," because being reminded of me will make him sad. And I agreed.

 

But after two weeks he contacted me again. It was just a friendly message asking me how I was doing so I replied in similar tone. We stayed in touch like friends for about 4 months, exchanging short e-mails very 2 weeks or so, until he suddenly told me that he was coming to Japan, and that he wanted to meet me. I replied that we can get all our friends together and have a party when he comes. He then explained that he wanted me back, that he had worked hard to improve his shortcoming, and that he already made long-term plans to stay in Japan, because he misinterpreted me previous messages. And even though I still liked him a lot, I responded briefly that I wanted to focus on my work and not think about relationships for a while.

 

Afterwards there had been no contact for another 3 months. And recently I heard from our mutual friend that he had postponed his flight and arrived in Japan last week. Now I am struggling to contact him. I still care for him, though I know he cannot be my bf again (I know I cannot stand his constant chauvinist remarks and bad temper). And I am worried about him. He only speaks basic Japanese, though he has lived here for 2 years before. He took care of me when I was in the States, and I feel I should do the same for him. I know when you are abroad, having a local friend makes a big difference. But like I said, I have already tried to be his friend just 3 months ago and realized that he wanted more than friendship. I don't know if 3 months of no contact is enough time for us to gain closure. It might still hurt when we see each other. If I have to be very honest, I think I still like him a lot. And the thought that if I don't see him while he is here in Japan I will never get to see him again scares me. Nevertheless, the last thing I want to do is to give him the wrong message and break his heart again. Should I let him know that I want to be his friend and help him while he is here? But how do I do that without giving him false hope or hurting his feelings? Or should I just do nothing and wait for him to contact me? (This is going to sound absurd but he seems to want me to contact him, because in the past week he has been posting my favorite things, which he never liked before we started dating, on his blog and liking our mutual friend's post about me).

 

Any response or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[NXS]

Hmm, this is a tough one to answer. It does sound like he's still interested in you and you want to meet him but don't want to cause undue pain. As you said it also means a lot to have someone local to help you when you're abroad. I don't know how you can let him know you're not interested besides being upfront about it and letting him decide if he wants to meet you on those terms. It's probably not going to stop him wanting more though. OTOH he did maintain NC for 3 months and didn't tell you directly when he was arriving so he may have got that message already.

 

Not sure if this is any help to you.

[Oneticket]

Thank you. This is indeed tough. I guess being upfront about it in the beginning is better than sending a overly friendly message that is misleading. I don't want to appear like a cold and calculative person. I want him to know that I am still willing to help him out while he is here, yet I don't want to make him feel rejected again and miserable.But if there is nothing I can do to make his life better I should do nothing.