rae_lana Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I can't stop thinking about him. I can't. I've been trying to see only his negatives.. And there is a lot. But I love him so much and it won't go away. I don't want to be in love with him at all, I want it to go back like it was before. I've been sick for a week and I'm sure it's from constantly thinking and obsessing. I look at people and am jealous that they don't have a huge secret. I wish I didn't.
psm04 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I'm so sorry. How long has it been since the end of your affair? You might think that you'll never get over this, but you will. I did too until I jumped back into the affair, so now I'm starting over with the healing process. Allow yourself to think and grieve. I think that helps rather than forcing yourself to not think about him. Don't worry about other people. They might have bigger skeletons in their closet. 1
Author rae_lana Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 I'm so sorry. How long has it been since the end of your affair? You might think that you'll never get over this, but you will. I did too until I jumped back into the affair, so now I'm starting over with the healing process. Allow yourself to think and grieve. I think that helps rather than forcing yourself to not think about him. Don't worry about other people. They might have bigger skeletons in their closet. It hasn't even ended. I'm in it. Although I do not instigate conversations anymore and as a result we talk a lot less. But we still do .. And I see him almost every day. We were physical last week for the first time in a couple months and h contacted me right after, and once since.. But other than that has been silent and smiling when I see him like nothing's happened. My situation is crazy because all of us know each other..our spouses and us are friends. He's not acting like a friend right now though because he knows I'm so lonely and he does not seem to care. I just want to be able to end it and I know if he says one nice thing to me Ill be right back in.
LBlanc Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 There's only one way to end your affair and you already know what that is...so let me just leave you with a quote from this guy... “I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen 3
Author rae_lana Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 There's only one way to end your affair and you already know what that is...so let me just leave you with a quote from this guy... “I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen I can't go no contact though because we all see each other everyday. I know for sure everyone would know exactly what happened. I just wish I could rewind a year and we could just be friends with sexual tension.. I screwed up the moment he said he had feelings and I said I did too.
psm04 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 It hasn't even ended. I'm in it. Although I do not instigate conversations anymore and as a result we talk a lot less. But we still do .. And I see him almost every day. We were physical last week for the first time in a couple months and h contacted me right after, and once since.. But other than that has been silent and smiling when I see him like nothing's happened. My situation is crazy because all of us know each other..our spouses and us are friends. He's not acting like a friend right now though because he knows I'm so lonely and he does not seem to care. I just want to be able to end it and I know if he says one nice thing to me Ill be right back in. You sound like me in the beginning stages of trying to end the A. He was a 'friend', but he really wasn't there for me like a friend should have been. And each time I backed off, something would happen, and I'd go right back in. He seems like a selfish guy, smiling away when he knows you are hurting. Trust me, there will come a day when you truly get sick of it, and you will want to end it for good. I'm not sure if you are there yet, but keep reading everything on here. A lot of it is motivational.
Red Wolverine Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I can't go no contact though because we all see each other everyday. I know for sure everyone would know exactly what happened. I just wish I could rewind a year and we could just be friends with sexual tension.. I screwed up the moment he said he had feelings and I said I did too. Wishing doesn't make anything so. If I remember your story correctly, wasn't he moving out of the neighborhood?
Author rae_lana Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Wishing doesn't make anything so. If I remember your story correctly, wasn't he moving out of the neighborhood? His moving plans seem to be thrown out. No idea if it was another game to test my reaction. I have no idea what he's thinking anymore it seems to change weekly.
cif Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 We all have secrets! Lol (((hugs))) you sound like you're hurting and i know that feeling is awful. But trust me the worst day is the day you decide to end it. It was for me. But the distance will help you see the situation from the outside and ease the pain. Although not sure the pain really ever goes away
thecharade Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I felt like you, missed my old self, my solid self. So I worked on going NC until it stuck. And every single day is now better than the day before, thoughts of him slowly disappearing altogether. It CAN be done. My AP wanted to continue the A until forever, abd I loved him so much that I took that as a compliment. It kind of was, but not nearly enough. I got smart and took back my limited time on this precious earth! For my fantabulous self! You can, too. Just go! Your brain knows what is right, and your heart will eventually agree. 3
psm04 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 AP wanted to continue the A until forever, abd I loved him so much that I took that as a compliment. My xOMM didn't say this explicitly, but I know that that would have been the ideal situation for him after the initial feelings of guilt went away . I remember one of our last conversations, when I said something about not being able to live in the two worlds, and how emotionally exhausting it was, and his response was something like 'why wouldn't you want to?' That itself shows that the kind of love he had for me wasn't something that was healthy.
Author rae_lana Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 My xOMM didn't say this explicitly, but I know that that would have been the ideal situation for him after the initial feelings of guilt went away . I remember one of our last conversations, when I said something about not being able to live in the two worlds, and how emotionally exhausting it was, and his response was something like 'why wouldn't you want to?' That itself shows that the kind of love he had for me wasn't something that was healthy. He wants it to go forever too. He's said that. But he says the pulling away is to keep his feelings in check .. I feel like the pulling away is to keep me thinking about him and its driving me insane. I told him from the start all I need is to know what he's thinking and it seems like what he's thinking constantly changes. I wonder if its all in my head.
randomwoman Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Your title is exactly how I feel at times. I think it's normal to feel hopeless when you start obsessing over something that has so much control over your thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I just sit and wonder..wow, what kind of things did I used to think about? Maybe I had more time to devote to self improvement or learning or even making my own spouse happy. It sometimes feels like you're shackled..prisoner to this thing that consumes all thoughts and feelings. I feel your pain and I wish I had advice!
Red Wolverine Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 He wants it to go forever too. He's said that. But he says the pulling away is to keep his feelings in check .. I feel like the pulling away is to keep me thinking about him and its driving me insane. I told him from the start all I need is to know what he's thinking and it seems like what he's thinking constantly changes. I wonder if its all in my head. Feelings, thoughts, and desires aren't the point here. Use your head.... You're playing with fire. His wife and/or your husband are going to find out. He will throw you under the bus. He will probably throw in you being bipolar to his advantage. He and his wife will move, your husband will divorce you, and then where will you be? You won't end up with OMM. His actions make it clear this is a game for him. You seem to want him to want you, even if it's just for sex. When you first started posting, you said he told you he'd leave to be with you if you choose that. Then he was going to move out of the neighborhood. Now it seems he's continuing to play games with limited contact. All the while, you're descending in crisis. He's enjoying the mind games in between the sex. He's in control and he's using it for his amusement. Essentially you're taking risks for nothing but disaster. 1
tiernan Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I feel the same. But for me everyday is worse than the other. All I see is a black emptiness ahead of me:(
Author rae_lana Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 Feelings, thoughts, and desires aren't the point here. Use your head.... You're playing with fire. His wife and/or your husband are going to find out. He will throw you under the bus. He will probably throw in you being bipolar to his advantage. He and his wife will move, your husband will divorce you, and then where will you be? You won't end up with OMM. His actions make it clear this is a game for him. You seem to want him to want you, even if it's just for sex. When you first started posting, you said he told you he'd leave to be with you if you choose that. Then he was going to move out of the neighborhood. Now it seems he's continuing to play games with limited contact. All the while, you're descending in crisis. He's enjoying the mind games in between the sex. He's in control and he's using it for his amusement. Essentially you're taking risks for nothing but disaster. I agree with everything you said. Everything. I am just not sure how to build my confidence back up to what it was before this. It wasn't great before get affair started, it was the highest it's ever been when it started and now it's almost the lowest it's been in years.. But only when I consider what he's thinking.. I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm valuable.. But I am willing to doubt all that every single time he goes silent, then he comes back telling me awesome things about how great I am.. Then nothing for a week.. But I know that I expecting too much. How do I get over him when no contact isn't an option? Why would he do this to a friend? Isn't it a huge risk for him? And I know major secrets he has.. I'd never tell but I'm just very shocked someone would risk a woman going crazy like this.
Author rae_lana Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 I guess what I mean is when he gives me attention I feel amazing and capable and beautiful and strong.. When he goes silent I feel fat ugly and useless and it's insane how quickly it can switch. The pattern is driving me nuts.
randomwoman Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I guess what I mean is when he gives me attention I feel amazing and capable and beautiful and strong.. When he goes silent I feel fat ugly and useless and it's insane how quickly it can switch. The pattern is driving me nuts. you should read a few articles on the site baggagereclaim if you haven't already. Being addicted to someone and being codependent will cause this. Unfortunately your mood will continue to take unpredictable swings when you base how you feel on one other person. The same thing happens to me at times and time has helped only a little. I think in order for it to stop, you have to work on breaking your addiction to this person with self help like this site and therapy.
zum1 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 There's only one way to end your affair and you already know what that is...so let me just leave you with a quote from this guy... “I demolish my bridges behind me...then there is no choice but to move forward” ― Fridtjof Nansen I like this quote!
Red Wolverine Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I agree with everything you said. Everything. I am just not sure how to build my confidence back up to what it was before this. It wasn't great before get affair started, it was the highest it's ever been when it started and now it's almost the lowest it's been in years.. But only when I consider what he's thinking.. I know I'm beautiful, I know I'm valuable.. But I am willing to doubt all that every single time he goes silent, then he comes back telling me awesome things about how great I am.. Then nothing for a week.. But I know that I expecting too much. How do I get over him when no contact isn't an option? Why would he do this to a friend? Isn't it a huge risk for him? And I know major secrets he has.. I'd never tell but I'm just very shocked someone would risk a woman going crazy like this. You can start to build your confidence by making a decision to end this and following through. These extreme highs and lows are the hallmarks of an affair. The fact that the highs and lows are specifically related to your self-confidence should tell you how much the affair has taken from you. You probably don't recognize yourself anymore. You're in a fog and have no idea how to undo this. The only way is to end it and ride the feelings out. Once you're living honestly, you will feel better. In fact, you'll probably grow to despise OMM. He's an opportunistic pig. You're realizing this is really about sex and it hurts. It will only get worse if you continue this. He's risking a lot of he also knows you're the perfect affair partner. You're not only married but you're married to one of his best friends and you're also a friend of his wife. He knows you have just as much to lose (probably more). 1
Red Wolverine Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I guess what I mean is when he gives me attention I feel amazing and capable and beautiful and strong.. When he goes silent I feel fat ugly and useless and it's insane how quickly it can switch. The pattern is driving me nuts. He knows this and is using it to his advantage. Control leads to power. Power is frequently abused. You're seeing and feeling the impacts now. 1
imfine Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Get pissed off! This doosh messes with your head & smiles at you like you should be satisfied with the nasty leftover crumbs he's dropping you. Forget that! He wants to play games? Here's a new one for him, "Go home to your wife because I want my marriage more than I want anything to do with you." Let anger propel you away from him. Fake it 'til you make it. Eventually you'll realize you should be mad & you will want nothing more to do with his measley scraps. 1
Author rae_lana Posted September 8, 2013 Author Posted September 8, 2013 Get pissed off! This doosh messes with your head & smiles at you like you should be satisfied with the nasty leftover crumbs he's dropping you. Forget that! He wants to play games? Here's a new one for him, "Go home to your wife because I want my marriage more than I want anything to do with you." Let anger propel you away from him. Fake it 'til you make it. Eventually you'll realize you should be mad & you will want nothing more to do with his measley scraps. I'm kind of scares if I piss him off he will throw me under the bus and say I came after him.. Which is the opposite of the truth but I know his wife would believe it. I am definitely seeing this for what it really is.
imfine Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 An affair is a huge risk. At this point you have two choices, continue to engage for his benefit and be miserable or you can stop and get back on track towards having your life back. Yes he could retaliate & throw you under the bus but if you continue you will get caught. Either way you are gambling. Why would he throw you under the bus with no DDay? Doesn't make sense. If you get caught, you are definitely getting ran over. The odds seem more in your favor to end it. Take the risk that will put you on the road to living fully again. 1
psm04 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 When he goes silent I feel fat ugly and useless and it's insane how quickly it can switch. The pattern is driving me nuts. Anyone who causes you to feel this way is not worthy of your love. Think about this - would your husband make you feel fat and ugly and useless? He is a jerk who knows that he can string you along. Until you stand up for yourself and put an end to his disrespectful behavior, he won't change. I am so angry for you. Please do not let him treat you this way. You are worth so much more. 2
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