AleksandraLane Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Hello this is my first post here, and I was not sure which category to post this thread in because it encompasses many aspects and perspectives. So, I am in an exclusive relationship with a man. We love each other dearly and have a deep connection which has surpassed every problem we have encountered both as a couple and as individuals. We met nearly five years ago and I fell for him before I discovered that he had a girlfriend. I was quite young at the time and found it near impossible to let go of him; what we shared had always lent me an unwavering hope. He continued to date and grow with his girlfriend for four years, whilst we fell deeper in love with each other and I remained on the sidelines. These were difficult years, constantly feeling confused, second-best, despondent and hurt. Guilty, too, of course. But we couldn't let go of each other. Moreover, his relationship was riddled with problems - the girl was vindictive and manipulative from the start, and she had caught him in a place where he couldn't resist going back to her despite all the heartbreak she caused him. During this time, I was, in a way, a crutch for him to lean on, although I know that is not the sole reason he stayed with me. I loved and supported him unconditionally, but the pain and uncertainty about where I stood really crushed my heart for a long time. About a year and a half ago, he told me that he had regretted his original decision to be with her and not me. He said he realised that she was no good for him, and that if he stayed in that relationship, he would end up killing himself. He wanted to let her go and dedicate himself to me, but needed to wait for a time when she would be able to handle the loss. Knowing that I experienced a lot of damage through their relationship, he told me that he would wait for me even if I gave up. Eventually, in december, he gathered enough courage to break up with her. He also told her that he could not keep lying to himself and her about how deeply he really loved me. She took it surprisingly well, there were no hard feelings, and we felt safe to proceed in building a stable relationship together. However... they had a very strong bond and felt that they needed to discuss and gain closure about the problems they had together, meaning that he would still be in contact with her. I wasn't wholly comfortable with this as I'd seen for myself how they behave around each other (granted, I'd seen this only a month after their breakup but it still made me jealous and uneasy). One thing that really irked me was how they had to consciously create boundaries between them, that being no physical intimacy or flirting. I thought, doesn't a breakup automatically come with new boundaries? Why would you have to set them up? Anyway, I told him that I felt that separation was necessary for all of us to heal, especially he and I, because her presence had really done a lot of damage to both of us. He refused. I let it be. 3 months ago, there was a festival happening in the town he had moved to and I went to visit him. One of his roommates is his ex's best friend, so she came along as well, arriving a couple of days before I did. It was a bit awkward having her so near for a week, and although they didn't talk very much and he wasn't quite as friendly to her as I was used to seeing, I did often catch her gazing at him when she thought neither of us were looking. When the three of us went somewhere together, she would hijack the conversation and I felt like I was the third wheel. My inferiority complex towards her had been developing for years, and this made it worse. All in all though, it was bearable and she left a week later, while I went on to stay for a month longer, living with him in his cottage and creating our own space together. During this time, she called him and spoke to him on facebook. It was a bit annoying and I asked him what they spoke about; he said it was innocent conversation. My suspicion got the better of me one day and I checked his inbox only to discover that they had done something inappropriate before I had arrived; he said how he was still very much attracted to her and she said something like "Why do you keep messing up with me if you love her so much?" and that she wouldn't stop him if he tried to do it again. Heartbroken, I confronted him and he told me that she had come to sleep in his bed and they kissed when they woke up. Not sure if that's all that happened... I pestered him and he said that they had slept together shortly after breaking up. Is that normal? I don't know. He was genuinely sorry and said that he couldn't forgive himself or excuse his actions, and that he couldn't tell me because it would ruin the magic of the preceding few weeks together. My reaction to the news made him realise that separation really was the right thing to do, and keeping contact with her was not worth the hurt and insecurity it caused me. Of his own accord, he told her that we needed space. I think that he had been so used to walking on eggshells in his relationship with her that he wasn't sure how to go about telling me. Like I said, our connection has surpassed every problem and we have grown stronger together through every hurdle. He was not used to having someone who forgave and loved unconditionally. He also still retained a sense of vulnerability towards her, and this, he says, is why he kissed her. The vulnerability is what had always made him go back to her. Now, lines of communication have been very open between us. Since I came back home, he has recounted every insulting message she sent to him, as well as his replies, without me even having to ask. He has stated many times that he would never even think of going back to her, and that while he loves her as a person, he will never be in love with her again. After throwing tantrums and accusing him of deliberately hurting her by asking for space (and a variety of other self-absorbed vulgarities), she blocked him on facebook... Then later unblocked him to say "eff you" and blocked him again :/ The thing is that I can't stop obsessing over her. She seems to have a lot more to offer than I do, and I've always felt very small compared to her. I know that I am the one perpetuating this delusion, but I've gone through her facebook and what I see there makes me so furious.. She posts provocative statuses about how she is so in love with him, and that he is killing her, and that he and I are horrible people who are intentionally punishing her, even posting pictures of her crying (?!) I mean, wtf? Her twisted perceptions are messing with my own. I know that they have no contact but she is doing a great job at playing the victim. I used to have a great deal of empathy for her, but she never bothered to have an ounce of the understanding she claims to have to much of. What annoys me most is that for months after the breakup, she was fine and moving on. Then, bam, a mistaken kiss and she's all clingy and heartbroken again. It seems that if she can't get her way with him, she will demonise, pester, accuse, threaten to kill herself and garner all the support she can from our friends. She cannot understand that he left her for many reasons, that he loves me and wants space to grow securely with me. She cannot understand that he is sacrificing their friendship because I am more important to him. It took me a long time to realise this myself, but with her... I don't know. It still hurts to read detailed statuses about the good times with him that she misses. It hurts to feel as though our relationship will never compare, even though theirs was not all good. It hurts that she continues with her attempts at her usual vindictiveness and pity-garnering. I am not over these insecurities and it has honestly messed me up a great deal; I don't know how to get rid of them. Lord knows I try. I know that it bothers my lover, and he feels guilty and responsible for it, and really tries his best to change my perception of myself.. and to abate my suspicions and fears. I'll be okay one day, and the next, something triggers and I'm back down in the pit. I realise that this is the price to pay for having once been the second woman. I realise that I'll never fully trust him. I realise how much pain this causes him; he tells me that he has moved on, that it is ME who won't let her go, not him. I know. But there is only so much reassurance he can give. I have to heal myself... But how? I kind of want to rant a little more about this, haha. There's a lot more to this than can be said. Do I deserve the insecurity? Do I deserve the depression? Is this some form of karma, some reality in which I will never be truly happy because I feel like she's always there, even though she's not? Please give your opinion on any matter I've stated in this tediously long post (sorry, heh). Perspectives keep playing with my mind and I feel like I'm reaching breaking point. Thank you <3 much love.
Philosoraptor Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I'm sorry for your pain, but you're both showing signs of codependency (you for him, and he for his ex) and as much as he's being tough now, he was cheating on her with you and went back and cheated on you with her. He may be complaining about walking on eggshells, but everything about this scenario says that it is indeed he that is the manipulator. He was having his cake and eating it too, all while using you as an emotional crutch and gaining your sympathy while you condoned his cheating ways. You are in control of what you do from here. While you seem to want to cast him as a helpless person in a positive light; he has shown his true colors as a liar, manipulator, and cheater. I'd gamble before too long he will sleep with her again because he knows you're just going to roll over and accept more of his lies. Sorry for the hard truth here, but he's using your "insecurity" to get away with doing whatever, and whomever, he wants.
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